Pregnant by (unknown married) partner-handhold

[Desertislanddreamer]

So I met this guy through work, known of him for over 5 years but started seeing him a year ago. We both decided to keep it private due to where we work, but a few friends/family know of us. It was going so well, he was such a lovely guy and I fell for him pretty fast. He was separated from his wife and living with his parents sharing custody of his son until he could find a place of his own, not ideal but they are a lovely family and due to circumstances with his disabled son it helped with the caring aspect and juggling a very demanding job. Just before Christmas I found out I was pregnant. He was shocked but very supportive to begin with, promising everything under the sun and wanting to have the baby and be a family. I decided to have a private scan to find out how far I was and got the shock of my life when two little blobs appeared on the screen…yes twins! it unfortunately all went downhill from there.
I didn’t hear from him that night, or the next day or a week later. When I messaged or tried to call him all I got was, ‘I’m busy’
turns out he is still married to his wife and they are all living with his parents (his family have a pretty huge house). I then get a letter from them both stating that they have decided to stay together as a family and once I give birth he will of course be financially responsible for the children but that will be the extent of his involvement.
Im absolutely devastated, having to see him in work (which he has absolutely ignored me, it’s like I no longer exist)
I don’t know how to move on. I don’t know how to get over this.

@Rockingcloggs ha thank you but I don’t feel strong! Trying to be though, faking it in public and crumbling in private is how today has went. Every time I have seen him he has his head down, looking to the floor. No jokes or talking to any other agent, just business as quickly as possible then leaving as fast as his feet will rush him out of the building.
He’s ashamed of how he’s treated me, I know he is. Changes nothing though.

It's not his first rodeo though.

Just the first one he's gotten his (unknowing) other woman pregnant on.

Why the fuck doesn't he just use condoms when he knows he's lying about his marriage and isn't going to leave. (I don't understand his family's behaviour if they weren't separated).

He's a piece of work.

Oh dear I honestly did not tweak the whole harassment pre warning cease and desist till you mentioned the no contact part of the letter, but that is the essence of rubbing his hands off you and any further children.

He’s playing a psychological game whereby he thinks he’ll manipulate you into feeling alone and terminating. You need to 🏃‍♀️ from that whole pool of negativity, do what you want to do and screw his manipulative behaviour.

Don't know if it was subconscious or conscious, but it's actually clever of him to dabble with women who have things to lose (eg professional reputation) if they go scorched earth and publicly shame him. Hugs OP. If you do have the twins, I hope you do press for the maximum of what you're legally entitled to for the sake of their future.

He’s a real piece of work, isn’t he! Cheating on his wife repeatedly and protected by daddy at work. You’ve swerved a bullet there.

deos he feel bad or has he not shit wheres hes worked so bad before? so is avoiding you and others and making a noise at all costs becasue he actually knows with a bit of umph behind you you could now make real trouble for him at his workplace.
i dont doubt the misogynistic way of the world will still side with him and blame " the woman" somehow but enough noise.enough trickle dont talk and it could still make the office really unpleasant or uncomfrotable at least for a while.
does anyone know do you think at work?
doesnt his parents have any idea?

so feel bad or just a bit unsure right now of how your going to blow his life aapart or not. becasue the letter and his actions since dont speak of someone who feels bad at all.

The wife is just trying to save face. She won't be loved up with her husband when he's told so many lies and got another woman pregnant!

Being a single mum to one baby is hard. Seriously consider your options before having two!!!

Oh I don’t know, I think the wife’s forgiveness may be due to entirely different reasons for this guy.
a) she’s unaware
b) having to deal with disability can break you down but also connect you in ways we can only imagine
c) he’s made out that this is what he’s committed to as he sees it as his primary relationship
d) it’s also an easier and more noble way of making out you don’t want more kids on the way
e) the pregnancy was not planned and he’s now trying to take control of what he can

or their child needs so much care she is willing to overlook his behaviour because the thought of being sole carer even 50per cent of the time is incomprehensible

Many men stray but only 5% leave a marriage on their own unless they get thrown out by the wife. I can imagine that most of them don’t advertise being married but quite the opposite to lure people into the bedroom.

It would also be relevant in the 'blame' assigning going on here, to know if one of them took birth control less seriously.
Could be neither of them were particularly bothered.

@dogmandu oh do fuck off.

😂😂😂

That's the spirit OP.

@dogmandu - not sure what point you reckon you were making, but all it's done is show everybody what a judgemental twat you are being. Did you think OP isn't hurting enough, so needed you to stick the boot in to make sure she really suffers?

The point isn't to make here suffer, but to get a true picture of what happened., and from that to try to guess the motives behind it. Only then can we make a fair judgement. The OP has come on here for sympathy and advice. It's no good being friendly and nice to her and giving crap advice on something whereby we don' know what happened and why.

Are you of the mind that we have to decide who we want to support regardless of what happened and then go for it without finding out the true facts? You may think this is right for you but for me I need to find out facts before I make a judgement or offer advice.

If OP just wanted sympathy and a trashing of her BF (which may well have been deserved, we just don't know) then that's what she has got, and we all feel nice and warm and fuzzy for having been nice. Only she knows the real facts and knows whether what she has received on here as feedback is justified or not. Pretty pointless really isn't it.

@dogmandu who pissed on your cornflakes?

OP, I'm sorry. This man is clearly a very disloyal partner and you wouldn't want him in your life. Once you have grieved, you will be fine. This is survivable.

I do pity this man, however. And far more so, his wife. Their relationship is probably not quite what either wants in an ideal world and they are tied together in their love for a disabled child who requires a huge amount of care. It sounds as if a divorce would be tricky for both - she would be raising child in significantly less comfort and/or he would possibly be handing over money or assets that might make his life materially more difficult in order to provide for more round the clock care for his child - there is a reason both are living with his parents after all. Their union may be a pragmatic one and, if his wife is making the best of this in the view she projects to the outside world, I think you probably need to let this go in your mind - she has a tough enough life as it is.

I'm assuming we would have got a hint at what your saying being the case with op by now no? Nothing she's posted tells us of your thinking?
And if it was? How would you no advise,post act towards a woman clearly in pain with the biggest decision to make?

You can’t get cms if you don’t name them on birth certificate

You can’t get cms if you don’t name them on birth certificate

You can.

I was thinking that what is the life span likely to be of the first child ?
What happens if the son dies, the the chances of their marriage surviving are small.
He may come looking for contact with his children later, once you have done all the work, made all the sacrifices.
Tthen, In walks this charismatic big guy, looking for a new family,

The other thing that is questionable, is how much money does he plan to give you? who knows if this dries up at any time he gets fed up with it?
You need him to pay off your mortgage or another lump sum up front...

No, what's pointless is your daft notion that you are here as a judge.

What's pointless is deciding you need to know who to blame for a pregnancy that is already underway, as if that makes any odds whatsoever to OP's predicament.

But you do you, Solomon. It's twins, so you won't actually need to order their mother to cut them in half with a sword. She can drop one off at the father's home, & just keep one for herself. Sorted! <<<gavel >>>

@BigBabyCooker
I do pity this man, however. And far more so, his wife. Their relationship is probably not quite what either wants in an ideal world and they are tied together in their love for a disabled child who requires a huge amount of care

It's not the adults that matter though is it. It's the children. The one who already exists and the potential new ones who are going to be bought into this really shitty situation. It's going to be like a soap opera playing out in real life with the OP and the dead beat Dad standing across the courtroom - How does the OP picture this all turning out in the long run? The Dad has rights to see his children. Why would you take a risk like that.

It too complicated and has much to much potential to impact on all the children (existing and potential) involved

That’s untrue . Please if you don’t know legal facts then do not give out legal advice . Not only is the OP a solicitor but your advice is completou wrong .

I doubt that OP wanted to trap this Romeo, but it is a tactic used by women all over. She’s not said anything to suggest or disprove this was the case.

See the thread title.

She's asking for a handhold, not a 'plausibly-deniable' character assassination.
Your weasel phraseology isn't fooling anybody.