Pregnant by (unknown married) partner-handhold

[Desertislanddreamer]

So I met this guy through work, known of him for over 5 years but started seeing him a year ago. We both decided to keep it private due to where we work, but a few friends/family know of us. It was going so well, he was such a lovely guy and I fell for him pretty fast. He was separated from his wife and living with his parents sharing custody of his son until he could find a place of his own, not ideal but they are a lovely family and due to circumstances with his disabled son it helped with the caring aspect and juggling a very demanding job. Just before Christmas I found out I was pregnant. He was shocked but very supportive to begin with, promising everything under the sun and wanting to have the baby and be a family. I decided to have a private scan to find out how far I was and got the shock of my life when two little blobs appeared on the screen…yes twins! it unfortunately all went downhill from there.
I didn’t hear from him that night, or the next day or a week later. When I messaged or tried to call him all I got was, ‘I’m busy’
turns out he is still married to his wife and they are all living with his parents (his family have a pretty huge house). I then get a letter from them both stating that they have decided to stay together as a family and once I give birth he will of course be financially responsible for the children but that will be the extent of his involvement.
Im absolutely devastated, having to see him in work (which he has absolutely ignored me, it’s like I no longer exist)
I don’t know how to move on. I don’t know how to get over this.

have you managed to discuss this with people in your real life op.i think this would be incredibly important right now. they no of you and your life and can help you in thinking exactly on the context you need to make this decision. even your older dd? she might have better advice than you might think.
we read,presume,learn,read,think from what you write.from what we think and from what we project from our own experiences.
only you no.
you were so excited it seemed to do this. so dont let him take that away if there is any way you want this. you seem to have agreat head on you.a steady job. and a steady head. i wreckon youd rock it.
but its is your decision. just dont let him make it for you by his shittiness. dont let him cause you more pain. act completely on what you want no and your future.becasue it sounds like this twins would be bloody lucky to have you fighting for them.

@whumpthereitis ...she 'doesn't have any ties to the man?'

Having a man's baby is pretty much the most significant 'tie' you can have! Just because they are not married does not mean that she has no 'ties' to the man.

Even though he's a scumbag, she can't just pretend he doesn't exist or that she doesn't have ties to him.

She's a lawyer, so she'll probably be able to work out what's best for herself and the twins... but your suggestion that she 'doesn't have any ties to the man' is just... wrong.

@ShakespearesBlister - I'm sorry, but you're making a whole lot of wild assumptions about the wife in that statement. Deranged, deluded... there is absolutely no evidence to support such extreme claims.

The wife and the other son are a victim of this jerk, too. Obviously we have no idea what she was thinking or what she knows... but it's entirely possible that she doesn't KNOW about the affair, the child, or the letter that the husband sent.

Just because he TOLD the OP that he told his wife the truth, they decided to stay together and pretend she and her twins do not exist, and that he has her full support on his cowardice doesn't mean that he didn't just fake her signature on the letter!

Anyone can write a letter and claim it's from multiple people, but the reality is that the other people know nothing at all about it!

BUT... if she actually does know the full story and approves of her husband ditching his own twin children with another woman, then that would make her a jerk, yes.

But the claim that she is 'deranged' is way out of line. For all we know, they had an open marriage, but the only condition was that he would not get any of the women pregnant, or if he DID, would not have contact with them!

Who really know what she knows, thinks or wants?

I can feel only enormous sympathy and compassion for his wife.

She has a severely incapacitated child and is no doubt just trying to keep her head above water and survive a very difficult path.

Until you are in her shoes one cannot imagine the pressure she is under.

He's scum and I bet she knows it well and likely does despise him.

But I would think with the daily load she carries she cannot be arsed to go there, so puts her own feelings aside, as she focuses utterly on what is best for her son.

In her place, I would probably make the same practical choices.

He's slime and I sincerely hope the OP follows through and puts this whole episode behind her and moves forward with her life.

His wife is to be pitied, she can't get away from him while her child lives.

absolutely spot on!

The OP knew he had a severely disabled son that was being cared for jointly by his wife and by him. So whether or not he told the OP that he was living with his wife, it must have been obvious the OP that his little boy needed to be his first priority.
Did she really think that her having a baby would result it him neglecting the care of his severely disabled little boy ?

@dogmandu sorry where did I say I wanted him to neglect his son? His son is not the issue. The fact he blatantly lied and is still in a marriage IS.

For him, I’m not going to tell him my decision, he’s going to have to sweat it out for a few months wondering what I decided"

I disagree with this type of behavior. It's childish and vindictive tbh. He may well deserve it but that's by the by. This is not the time to play games.

I said if she decides to terminate she won’t have any ties to the man.

Oh sod off with your condescending lecture.

OP is in turmoil, & you reckon it's your job to scold her like you are Head Girl For The Day?

she 'doesn't have any ties to the man?

I would imagine the poster meant marriage, finances, family etc.

Currently she had been relegated to his short-ish term ex girlfriend (if he and his wife were really separated, it looks like not) or unknowing mistress; who is pregnant by him (and he's declared the only involvement he'll have if she continues the pregnancy is obligatory child maintenance).

The only good thing about this situation re child maintenance is that, with a lucrative job in a practice his Dad is involved in, and a disabled child with his wife at home to care for; this man is going nowhere and will, probably, pay the maintenance.

Unlike many others who could fk off to anywhere with no CM reciprocal arrangements with the UK (or go self employed or unemployed).

He could still become "self employed" if he's not already and fkl about with the books to look like he earns a lot less though.

@Desertislanddreamer

I think this is where we differ. In my opinion his son is the issue. The others have choices but the son and his mother don't.

OP, you are sounding so much stronger!

Presumably you wouldn’t even have had a sexual relationship with him had he told you the truth at the beginning. So his total dishonesty has landed you here, and he has the arrogance to demand that you ‘respect his decision’ while not offering any apology for having a relationship under false pretences.

His lying is actually a way of acting without consent. Did you consent to sex with full knowledge that he was in a live-in marriage? No.

Get your life back. Your own life. I would not be having my future dictated by an unethical act by this man.

You have everything going for you: a fantastic career, a fantastic relationship with a lovely Dd who is doing well… and a life no longer involved with a serial cheat and liar.

Hold your head high.

I like the idea of him sweating for a bit. Hah!

You have your independent life back now, do you want to live it alone with twins? Financial support will be all you get, if that even happens. The pregnancy was an accident.
I know what I would do in a heartbeat. Not to say it would be easy though.
xx

@KettrickenSmiled

It's not a condescending lecture, it's called being grown up and mature.

😂😂😂When an adult has to make special claims to being grown up & mature it's a sure bet they are talking out of their arse ...

Or one partner is abusive. Ive known several women who were posting on their profile on FB how amazing their relationship was and same time posting about DV, affairs and so on in our private group chat. One posted her engagement on FB then a month later they were seperated. One got married in the middle of all sorts of issues then split less than a year later.

@WhatDoesItSay He told me to leave him alone in the letter. He wants no contact, so I’m doing exactly what he is asking for.

@EyesOnThePies thank you very much, I feel a lot stronger.
Not a chance in hell I would have got involved with him if I knew his wife was still on the scene. He would talk about finalising the divorce and how important it was to him to keep it civilised and friendly for the sake of their child. There was no red flags. Lesson learned.

If he really, truly wanted to, he could divorce and arrange 50-50 residence, coparent fairly and constructively. If people were critical he could point out they they each have their son 50%.

There must be something else he gets from his marriage to stay.

He was cheating even before their son was conceived, at least one affair op now knows of .. ... People are getting red herringed by his family /childcare situation; he's just a common garden cheater. He was doing it before his son even arrived.

Who knows what his wife's response would have been if she hadn't been pregnant when she found out about that affair ..... But it's irrelevant because she's stayed through two now and clearly is (voluntarily) going nowhere.

Have you come to a decision on the pregnancy?

@WhatDoesItSay He told me to leave him alone in the letter. He wants no contact, so I’m doing exactly what he is asking for.

You mentioned that he would 'have to sweat it out' when you said you weren't
Going to tell him what your decision was earlier in the thread. It didn't sound like you were not telling him because you were respecting his wishes. This is the guy that you may well end up sharing custody of your children with.

Oh wow I had no idea he’s pulling the harassment thing in you of ‘cease and desist’. Fucking hell. Did he do this out if the blue or were you actually contacting him too much?

This must be worst thing of it all, that should you do two contacts, that’s all it takes, and he can report you to the police for Harassment section 2. And with a cease and desist you can not play ignorance.

Fors this mean you would have to get an agency to contact him to pay child maintenance? I mean WTF?

He was not clear with you but now the babies are on the way, he’s remembered he’s in peril and can not be contacted. Wow.

I think holding off contacting him is all the choice you have. Just in case you do need to keep the right to exercise the one time you can make contact, as the second one can land you with a warning on yr DBS record.

@Coolheadedbird it was out of the blue. We haven’t had contact in over a week before he sent the letter, it was more a pre warning.
I know the legislation regarding harassment and nothing I have done remotely falls within that category. DBS is a service for England and Wales, we don’t live there.

I have seen him in court today, no discussion. He wouldn’t even look in my direction. I am done wasting anymore time on him.

I've got to say @Desertislanddreamer you are 10 times the woman I am because there is no way on earth I could have been in the same room as him and had him treat me like that. I think I'd have gone fully beserk. You are so strong.