Pregnant by (unknown married) partner-handhold

[Desertislanddreamer]

So I met this guy through work, known of him for over 5 years but started seeing him a year ago. We both decided to keep it private due to where we work, but a few friends/family know of us. It was going so well, he was such a lovely guy and I fell for him pretty fast. He was separated from his wife and living with his parents sharing custody of his son until he could find a place of his own, not ideal but they are a lovely family and due to circumstances with his disabled son it helped with the caring aspect and juggling a very demanding job. Just before Christmas I found out I was pregnant. He was shocked but very supportive to begin with, promising everything under the sun and wanting to have the baby and be a family. I decided to have a private scan to find out how far I was and got the shock of my life when two little blobs appeared on the screen…yes twins! it unfortunately all went downhill from there.
I didn’t hear from him that night, or the next day or a week later. When I messaged or tried to call him all I got was, ‘I’m busy’
turns out he is still married to his wife and they are all living with his parents (his family have a pretty huge house). I then get a letter from them both stating that they have decided to stay together as a family and once I give birth he will of course be financially responsible for the children but that will be the extent of his involvement.
Im absolutely devastated, having to see him in work (which he has absolutely ignored me, it’s like I no longer exist)
I don’t know how to move on. I don’t know how to get over this.

He didnt impregnant another OW, he came clean to his wife when SHE got pregnant, and then told the OW that he is staying with the pregnant wife- at least that's how I read it?

She did meet his parents and did visit their home briefly.

not have assisted in heightening his pleasure and giving over my body life career

Whut?

You read it right Vampire - I had a brain fart, & got it wrong. Have apologised to OP, as I don't want PP to think my idiotic misreading was correct ...

Unlikely. He works in a field where affairs are rife.

His professional reputation is dependent on his ability to win cases. That’s all his firm, and his clients, need him to do. As long as he’s a decent solicitor no one is going to care what he does in regards to his personal life. At most it will be office gossip, which means it will be OP’s life that is discussed as entertainment, not just his.

as unfair as it is that he just gets to wash his hands of the situation and walk away, it is nonetheless what he gets to do (barring maintenance).

So he is a serial cheating bastard and his wife is a serial forgiver of a cheating bastard.

I am sorry you are going through this. At least you know now that you absolutely cannot depend on him for anything. Maybe he will give you money, I guess he might have to due to his job. He will not support you emotionally or practically. You need to decide if you want to start the baby /children years again, by yourself. I know I wouldn't be able to but I am sure you will decide what is right for you and your family x

Awful situation, I'm sorry OP.

I really wish you well, whatever decision you make.

I'm so sorry you are in this position OP.

I think he started doing the sums and realised how much money he will lose in a divorce. Half his life savings, half the house etc. Maybe more than half if she's been a SAHM. He would also lose his reputation as the jerk who cheated on his wife, impregnated his girlfriend, and left his wife alone with his severely disabled son.

It will be seen by the wider community as just a smudge on his reputation to have had an affair, especially if you terminate and nobody ever knows about the pregnancy. I think him and his wife are hoping you will terminate if you know he won't be involved in any way. She may be saying she will divorce him if he wants contact and then he's back to losing half of everything and not even having you anymore.

You have to do what's right for you. Best of luck op.

You hit the nail on the head.
He is a brilliant solicitor and they will not want to lose him, plus his father is a partner in the firm so that will never happen, all it will amount to is office gossip and some raised eyebrows.
That’s what stings the most, the fact he is just able to walk away and I’m stuck making the worst decision of my life.

I think I know what I am going to do, I have spent the weekend going over and over it, making numerous pro and con lists (doesn’t help that my brain automatically argues the opposite point at every thought)

I’m not getting in touch with either of them. If his wife wants details or to corroborate his story then she knows how to get in touch with me, however from what was said she is happy enough to live in blissful ignorance of her husbands affairs.
Well more fool her.

For him, I’m not going to tell him my decision, he’s going to have to sweat it out for a few months wondering what I decided.
I have nothing to be ashamed of and I’ll hold my head up high when I’m in court.
He had an affair before me, and he’ll have an affair after me.
I pity them being stuck in a miserable hell of a marriage out of duty and responsibility, whereas I’ll draw a line under this mistake and move on, loving and kicking the ass out of life like I was before.
Thanks for all your support, it’s honestly been invaluable.

I worked at a law firm, I’ve seen how it goes. It’s not fair, but it is the reality. He’s gone either way. If you went ahead you’d be the one carrying the entire can.

he’s not worth keeping ties to. The best thing you can do it draw a line under it and move on. Leave his games and the drama in the rear view mirror. You’ve clearly spent years working hard and building yourself up. Don’t let this situation hold you back and make your life harder. You wouldn’t be hurting him if you did, because he doesn’t care. You would only be hurting yourself.

You will be okay.

Wow people are so negative on this thread . OP you clearly were happy enough with the pregnancy to start with . Do not let a men ( a waste of one ) take your positiveness away . If you want the babies keep them , your child will probably gain a lot from siblings , you have a secure stable job . I’m sure your friends and your family will be happy for you too . Just forget that waste of oxygen . None of this is on you . Those criticising you for not doing a full background on him , the by would you ? You have done nothing wrong . Hold your head high

@Desertislanddreamer sorry you've come across such an absolute shit who has acted like this, I'm only posting to say I worked with a woman who had twins at 40 with her husband who turned out to be a complete and utter prick and has had nothing to do with the boys. She has said that given her time again she wishes she never had them, not that she doesn't love them, but it's so much harder than you could imagine being a full time working mum with a teen and small babies. I hope you make the right decision for you and wish you well.

He was already having an affair with the previous affair partner when his wife fell pregnant.

his wife is a serial forgiver of a cheating bastard

Many people would be if it meant ending up resident parent and main/sole career or a child with significant disabilities.... He's not going to give up his high flying career, is he?

And she probably realises, financially, it's best he doesn't.

It's just all so cold and callous. I don't think I'd ever be able to get my head round it. He's a serial cheat and she's so blind that it doesn't matter what he does because she doesn't believe a word the other women say anyway and repeatedly forgives him. Where on earth did she get the idea that she has his honesty? It all sounds so warped. Like some kind of sick game other people get routinely dragged into and spat out because neither of them can sort their own marriage problems out like adults. I think we all know what we would be saying to the wife if she was posting on here about what her husband is doing while they have a son so severely disabled he has next to no quality of life. She almost seems to be actively supporting his behaviour. Is denial really this powerful?

I wish you well OP. I'm sure you're making the right decision for you and your daughter. You sound very grounded and level headed. You'll be ok. He has to live with the fact that he's a diseased dicksplash every day of his life, which might not seem like much of a penance now, but those chickens will come home to roost at some point.

She’s not necessarily in denial at all. She may be well aware of exactly who he is, and while she doesn’t have his honesty, she doesn’t care to. He plays away, but he keeps her and their child in a comfortable lifestyle. As long as that isn’t threatened, he can do what he likes.

DesertIslandDreamer I think your plan not to contact him and let him wait while you make your decision is spot on. For me, finding out about the other affair would help me get in a 'no regrets, better to find out what a w⚓️ he is sooner rather than later' mindset.

This

Circumstances change, and people are quite sensible to consider the impact of said changes.

People are being honest with OP, from our own perspectives. Anyway, what constitutes a negative, and indeed a positive, can vary wildly from person to person.

Imo she’s in the incredibly positive position where, as awful as this situation is, she doesn’t have to have any ties to this man and his wife going forward.

Oh christ no. Are you kidding?

if you’re going to be kicked out as a lawyer for having an affair then there wouldn’t be many left!

Whatever you decide, none of this was your fault and I wish you all the very best.

I think him ultimately choosing his wife is a reflection of him realising the reality of supporting 3 kids + 2 women in the go, with his assets halved. Sorry but that would be a prison sentence for anyone who was not actually trying to conceive more kids.

Only about 5% of men having affairs leave their marital partner though 88% of the OWs wish for them to make the choice/ sacrifice. Him staying with his son means he’s probably not a total shit.

He’s shown how much he cares about either of his women. But he’s saving his own bacon. I also would not be surprised if he is actually good friends with his wife despite going off the rails with stress of work, disability of a child etc and looking for something anything else to make his reality less grim.

Point is I am sure he enjoyed your company and the relief of being wanted but did not want extra commitments.

I would not be surprised if his old man advised him of the letter. It sounds so old school. Who knows he might have screwed half his staff back in the day and yr hubby may have half siblings.

im sorry but in this sitaution is clearly not as black and white.
for one the new and constant posting is clearly showing something.
the ltter in itself your right is bonkers.
but here is where its not and why her reasoning might differ.
yes she could be doing all you say. but she has a severely disabled son. i think this could be wa woman trapped.she has no home otherwsie why the hell would you choose to move back with your in laws. she has a son who she needs help with or a son whos been so very very ill and so there is way more to this than a woman choosing to stay or beleiving his lies. she might see him for all his true colours and hate every f' pore of him. but what can she do? can she really leave. with her son as he is with her life like it is?
so she might want to hear. hse might beleive. or it might be she knows enough already and pouring more shit on an already trapped and hurting woman would only harm two injured parties more here and leave that bastard scot free.again.

Hi @Desertislanddreamer.

I'm sorry - I did not know you were a lawyer. I suppose you mentioned it in another post, but this is the only one of yours I have seen.
I didn't mean to... I don't know... come across like I was talking down to you or anything like that.
I often give this advice to people who post on social media when the commenters spout off - sometimes quite frankly silly advice - about how to screw someone over in the legal system as revenge for someone having hurt them. Plus, the commenter may not live in the same area as the OP of the post, so even if the advice works for THEIR state or country, it may be irrelevant to the OP. So I suggest to people to ALWAYS check with a local lawyer, and not just trust people off the internet... just in case they are incorrect.

Good luck with this situation. It sounds really hard - I really cannot even imagine how it feels to be pregnant to such a scumbag!
But I'm sure that you will at least be able to use your legal skills to come to a fair agreement about all the facets of the situation which is best for yourself and your child, and give he or she a great future.

So true @kateandme

@ShakespearesBlister clearly hasn't though this through