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Original poster

Pregnant by (unknown married) partner-handhold

623 replies

Desertislanddreamer · 20/01/2023 18:44

So I met this guy through work, known of him for over 5 years but started seeing him a year ago. We both decided to keep it private due to where we work, but a few friends/family know of us. It was going so well, he was such a lovely guy and I fell for him pretty fast. He was separated from his wife and living with his parents sharing custody of his son until he could find a place of his own, not ideal but they are a lovely family and due to circumstances with his disabled son it helped with the caring aspect and juggling a very demanding job. Just before Christmas I found out I was pregnant. He was shocked but very supportive to begin with, promising everything under the sun and wanting to have the baby and be a family. I decided to have a private scan to find out how far I was and got the shock of my life when two little blobs appeared on the screen…yes twins! it unfortunately all went downhill from there.
I didn’t hear from him that night, or the next day or a week later. When I messaged or tried to call him all I got was, ‘I’m busy’
turns out he is still married to his wife and they are all living with his parents (his family have a pretty huge house). I then get a letter from them both stating that they have decided to stay together as a family and once I give birth he will of course be financially responsible for the children but that will be the extent of his involvement.
Im absolutely devastated, having to see him in work (which he has absolutely ignored me, it’s like I no longer exist)
I don’t know how to move on. I don’t know how to get over this.

OP posts:
whumpthereitis · 22/01/2023 12:29

SpaceshiptoMars · 22/01/2023 12:02

That’s something for OP to consider as well, is she going to be watching them raise their family and him being an involved father to kids possibly younger than hers, while hers get the bare minimum? Are her children going to watching that?

But how is she going to be watching that? Unless the children go to the same school, it won't come up. There is no compulsion to follow people on social media, and any joint friends will hopefully be circumspect in what they say to both of them.

If she continues to follow them on social media, or even check on them occasionally. Ideally she wouldn’t for her own sake, but people do.

the kids would see it if they find out who their father is and investigate, presumably as teenagers. Such revelations can be devastating for the rejected child, and it’s OP that would be the one having to pick up the pieces.

KettrickenSmiled · 22/01/2023 12:31

Soothsayer1 · 22/01/2023 12:20

I'm sorry if this is already been covered but reading the first post again I see that he was initially happy about the pregnancy but turned when he found out it was twins, this suggests to me that he was considering abandoning his first family in favour of this new pregnancy but on finding out it was twins decided that was too much for him and he wanted to stick with the first family?

See the most recent OP update - he's already impregnated another affair partner & walked away from her. His wife knew all about it, & chose to bury her head in the sand that time too. Not an altogether surprising choice by the wife, considering her child is so severely incapacitated he apparently cannot be parented/cared for solo.

CinnamonCoffee · 22/01/2023 12:37

I've been on my own since I was pregnant with twins as he was up to no good.
Promised me the world in regards to being the best dad and supporting them with child support.
He went self employed and stopped paying towards them and hasn't seen them in years! They are 6 now and have no clue who he is
If you decide to keep the pregnancy then it's hard but amazing too! Loads of twin groups online with tips but if you want any advice then you can inbox me.

Don't rely on any child support

whumpthereitis · 22/01/2023 12:48

Soothsayer1 · 22/01/2023 12:20

I'm sorry if this is already been covered but reading the first post again I see that he was initially happy about the pregnancy but turned when he found out it was twins, this suggests to me that he was considering abandoning his first family in favour of this new pregnancy but on finding out it was twins decided that was too much for him and he wanted to stick with the first family?

More likely that he wasn’t thrilled with the original announcement, but he didn’t want to give OP the impression that anything was wrong before he could sort out everything his end and present OP with a fait accompli. He bought himself time to get himself into a stronger position before it blew up.

Soothsayer1 · 22/01/2023 13:12

KettrickenSmiled · 22/01/2023 12:31

See the most recent OP update - he's already impregnated another affair partner & walked away from her. His wife knew all about it, & chose to bury her head in the sand that time too. Not an altogether surprising choice by the wife, considering her child is so severely incapacitated he apparently cannot be parented/cared for solo.

Show quote history

😲

ShakespearesBlister · 22/01/2023 13:32

Desertislanddreamer · 22/01/2023 11:55

So bit of an Update. Last night I went out for a lovely meal with a mutual friend and it all came to a head. Turns out he had an affair on his wife years ago. It was around the time they were TTC and once his wife fell pregnant he had to tell the other woman. He spun her lines of his marriage isn’t working/I’m not in a good place etc etc but had to come clean when she announced her pregnancy. OW sent screenshots of the 4 month affair to the wife to be told fuck off and leave her alone and the mutual friend said all was forgiven. That was it, no kicking him out or screaming matches. She just forgave him and moved on. I know the OW so I messaged her on social media last night and she clarified the whole thing and said she isn’t at all surprised he’s acting like nothing’s happening and has left me to pick up the pieces.
Mutual friend also said they were told by him they were separated, but she reached out to his wife after all this came to light and his wife said they’ve never been off. Still very much married and she has no interest whatsoever to meet/talk to me or find out anything her husband has done. He promised her honesty and she believes what he has told her. She also said she wants absolutely nothing to do with the twins and never will. To her they and me don’t exist.

She really sounds quite desperate and delusional. I wish people like that would sort their own shit out and stop dragging everyone else into their messed up relationships. Why on earth would she keep putting up with it and believing him and dispising his victims? She seems to be wielding power over him no matter how much he cheats on her. Sadly I think if you decide to go ahead you're going to have to protect yourself and the twins by only having contact via legal representatives and keeping her well away from them as you just can't trust either of them to behave in a sane way. It sounds like she only blames you and the unborn babies for his behaviour but then I suppose if you look at her situation there must be a lot of resentment at the thought of another woman potentially having healthy children to him. I actually think she sounds quite dangerously delusional.

Original poster
Desertislanddreamer · 22/01/2023 13:39

No sorry bit of a misunderstanding. They were TTC and he was having an affair on the side, once the wife fell pregnant he had to admit it to the OW who then in turn told everything to the wife, but she just forgave it all anyway.
In regards to school etc we wouldn’t cross paths. I live in a different area to him, about 30 minutes drive.

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 22/01/2023 13:41

Oh i AM sorry OP - obviously misread your update, apologies for confusing the issues.

Longdarkcloud · 22/01/2023 13:55

I think the arrival of 2 healthy babies would stir up jealousy in the ex and his DW, which would massively antagonise the situation.
So much pain caused by this man’s deception.

Bowbellsx · 22/01/2023 13:55

Well there’s lots of years to come before you need to worry about school enjoy your pregnancy x

Soothsayer1 · 22/01/2023 14:19

Longdarkcloud · 22/01/2023 13:55

I think the arrival of 2 healthy babies would stir up jealousy in the ex and his DW, which would massively antagonise the situation.
So much pain caused by this man’s deception.

I agree, I think a psychoanalyst would say the reason he is creating babies with other women is because he wants to punish his wife for producing a disabled child, and also as a way to try and compensate himself for the existence of his disabled child.

goody2shooz · 22/01/2023 14:20

@Desertislanddreamer everyone assumes the YOU will sail through this pregnancy and birth, despite being an older mum. That both babies will be healthy, and your dc will be delighted with new siblings, that your home is spacious enough, your job and future childcare suitably flexible for the possibility that it’s not all perfect health and babies who sleep! Forget anything to do with the amoral wretch who helped you into this situation, and do only what works best for YOU and your DC. Forget nonsense statements like a pp ‘twins are a delight’, and ‘if you want more children go for it’. You’ll be doing the grunt work, and potentially shelling out for uni fees for twins when you’re 60. Detach from the emotional stuff as much as you can and think of the real practicality of the situation.

Nanny0gg · 22/01/2023 14:25

goody2shooz · 22/01/2023 14:20

@Desertislanddreamer everyone assumes the YOU will sail through this pregnancy and birth, despite being an older mum. That both babies will be healthy, and your dc will be delighted with new siblings, that your home is spacious enough, your job and future childcare suitably flexible for the possibility that it’s not all perfect health and babies who sleep! Forget anything to do with the amoral wretch who helped you into this situation, and do only what works best for YOU and your DC. Forget nonsense statements like a pp ‘twins are a delight’, and ‘if you want more children go for it’. You’ll be doing the grunt work, and potentially shelling out for uni fees for twins when you’re 60. Detach from the emotional stuff as much as you can and think of the real practicality of the situation.

^^This

And bear in mind, these children will never have a relationship with their father or step-siblings (you may think that's a good thing, but it isn't really) as his wife is going to make you 'not exist' beyond the fact he'll have to pay CMS

Coolheadedbird · 22/01/2023 14:25

OMG how can anyone make comments regards this guys wife or disabled child. Please refrain guys, it’s far too low. Neither of them asked this guy to behave like an idiot. OP you should have checked his credentials for real, not just relied on what he was telling you as truth. Worst of all he has a reach record of cheating, huge red flag that his self esteem is crap and that he needs it for stimulation of his EGO and that he never meant you, his wife, of past affair partner. He told you this. You should have believed him. Alarm bells should have been ringin’ from the start.

BadNomad · 22/01/2023 14:29

Soothsayer1 · 22/01/2023 14:19

I agree, I think a psychoanalyst would say the reason he is creating babies with other women is because he wants to punish his wife for producing a disabled child, and also as a way to try and compensate himself for the existence of his disabled child.

Show quote history

That's nonsense. He's not out "creating babies". He's having affairs. He was having affairs before his disabled child was even born. He's just a selfish dick.

Coolheadedbird · 22/01/2023 14:30

Twins are more common after 36 as our bodies start to ditch eggs out of the system. So are chances of congenital defects. I know of two pairs, both had something horrific, one baby find - other cleft pallete and another dreadful heart thing.

People Making comparisons that these babies are fine and mocking his first child and it’s disability is cruel.

The only thing cruel in here is the situation OP finds herself in.

Coolheadedbird · 22/01/2023 14:31

But I have a feeling disabled child is an excuse for him not wanting to get out.

I think you might find the child is fine and he’s bullshiting you with this as much as regards separation.

AthenaPopodopolous · 22/01/2023 14:37

Have your babies and forget about him. Don’t put him on the birth certificate but you can claim child maintenance. Sorry this happened to you, but you can be a good parent in your own with family support.
Goodness knows what he was playing at but he isn’t the trustworthy type.

Original poster
Desertislanddreamer · 22/01/2023 14:39

Coolheadedbird · 22/01/2023 14:25

OMG how can anyone make comments regards this guys wife or disabled child. Please refrain guys, it’s far too low. Neither of them asked this guy to behave like an idiot. OP you should have checked his credentials for real, not just relied on what he was telling you as truth. Worst of all he has a reach record of cheating, huge red flag that his self esteem is crap and that he needs it for stimulation of his EGO and that he never meant you, his wife, of past affair partner. He told you this. You should have believed him. Alarm bells should have been ringin’ from the start.

I did not know about his past affair, I found out last night and I shouldn’t have to check a man’s credentials. He should have been truthful from the start. I knew him for five years, he has a brilliant reputation within our field and honesty is something we all expect from each other.
His child is severely disabled, that’s probably the only thing he hasn’t lied about.

OP posts:
ShakespearesBlister · 22/01/2023 14:43

Desertislanddreamer · 22/01/2023 14:39

I did not know about his past affair, I found out last night and I shouldn’t have to check a man’s credentials. He should have been truthful from the start. I knew him for five years, he has a brilliant reputation within our field and honesty is something we all expect from each other.
His child is severely disabled, that’s probably the only thing he hasn’t lied about.

Show quote history

Will his behaviour not bring his professional integrity into question? I certainly would hope so. It just seems so wrong that you get treated like this while he carries on like nothing happened and she just pretends women he has sex with don't exist. They both sound pretty messed up.

dottiedodah · 22/01/2023 15:17

Its not OP fault this man is a low life cheat.No One would be able to 100 percent know for sure anyway even if they checked this guys credentials .They work together ,and he has a good reputation on his field (How!) The main problem is how he keeps getting away with it and his wife believes him! OP has difficult decisions to make .As usual the man walks away having had a good time and poor OP left high and dry

BadNomad · 22/01/2023 15:27

How do you check someone's "credentials" anyway? I mean, the OP spoke to his parents and they corroborated his story, so what was she supposed to do? Interview his ex-wife? 🤔

dollytot · 22/01/2023 15:50

OP - I think you need to speak to a counsellor about what has happened and decide what is right for you.

I expect most people at work will get wind of what this POS has done and think he is a total scumbag for it. His reputation for being a decent human being will will be in tatters, even if he is a good solicitor/lawyer.

AcrossthePond55 · 22/01/2023 15:59

ShakespearesBlister · 22/01/2023 14:43

Will his behaviour not bring his professional integrity into question? I certainly would hope so. It just seems so wrong that you get treated like this while he carries on like nothing happened and she just pretends women he has sex with don't exist. They both sound pretty messed up.

Show quote history

I doubt it. Seems to me these days that unless you're in a 'moral' position like a clergy person or it compromises professional ethics, like a physician having an affair with a patient, then infidelity doesn't mean a thing. Colleagues and superiors may disapprove or 'side eye' but usually one's professional integrity isn't affected. I guess they figure infidelity doesn't affect your ability to do your job.

I think the days of the 'morals clause' is dead in employment. I think the only professions that still have them may be sports or entertainment. And that's not about morality, it's about ruining one's chances of endorsements.

Coolheadedbird · 22/01/2023 16:00

I would have visited his home, met his parents in person at their home, you would have pretty quickly gathered that either that’s not a possibility or the energy that things are not over. I take it you guys weren’t trying for a baby/ies so I would have had him wear a condom and not have assisted in heightening his pleasure and giving over my body life career. But all that’s in the past and not useful to u whatsoever…sorry but narcs often are at the top of their profession and they do profess quite a lot of shite, evidently.