Pregnant by (unknown married) partner-handhold

[Desertislanddreamer]

So I met this guy through work, known of him for over 5 years but started seeing him a year ago. We both decided to keep it private due to where we work, but a few friends/family know of us. It was going so well, he was such a lovely guy and I fell for him pretty fast. He was separated from his wife and living with his parents sharing custody of his son until he could find a place of his own, not ideal but they are a lovely family and due to circumstances with his disabled son it helped with the caring aspect and juggling a very demanding job. Just before Christmas I found out I was pregnant. He was shocked but very supportive to begin with, promising everything under the sun and wanting to have the baby and be a family. I decided to have a private scan to find out how far I was and got the shock of my life when two little blobs appeared on the screen…yes twins! it unfortunately all went downhill from there.
I didn’t hear from him that night, or the next day or a week later. When I messaged or tried to call him all I got was, ‘I’m busy’
turns out he is still married to his wife and they are all living with his parents (his family have a pretty huge house). I then get a letter from them both stating that they have decided to stay together as a family and once I give birth he will of course be financially responsible for the children but that will be the extent of his involvement.
Im absolutely devastated, having to see him in work (which he has absolutely ignored me, it’s like I no longer exist)
I don’t know how to move on. I don’t know how to get over this.

Eitherway it's probably doomed to failure.

When people stay in marriages long-term, and choose them when they have other options ..... sometimes the lack of feelings and lack of sex life etc etc is not the thing that matters. Its the commitment that matters. They're not fake per se, they're expedient/practical. In this situation he had chosen to recommit to his marriage and not commit to op; "fake" or not.

Maybe it is, but it's what he's chosen when the shit hit the fan.
He probably has a long history with his wife and that matters.

Who knows when it will break down fully and they will actually move on for real. Their child could be an older adult by then. In the meantime these are the circumstances for the op to make her decisions in.

@ShakespearesBlister I just wondered if I'd missed something it's a long thread. So I asked a question.

Couldn't read and run.
God I feel terrible for you sending huge hugs.
Really think you need a face to face with him and his wife. See how he comes across. It sounds like the wife rules to roost whilst really this man probably does have very strong feelings for you and maybe in different circumstances (ie lived on own / son didn't need care), then he would jump ship to be with you.
However, he has burnt all bridges now with his behaviour. You need to get proper understanding of how he will support you and the twins. If you really want more babies then you can do this. 40isnt that old. Twins are a delight. Could you manage to go back to work full time post maternity leave to support them?
There is the worry one or both might be emotionally or physically compromised given your age / like you said possible genetic condition given their son. You need to find out if their son has a genetic condition so you can make your decision with all information.
I'm so sorry this has happened, however face up to these horrible people, say what you think/want and then decide what is best for you, your existing child and your life x Good luck x

Doesn’t help OP though

Just a thought OP, Harmony testing allows you to determine if there are any genetic abnormalities in the foetus. It is not a risk score like the NHS screening, it's an actual test of the baby dna, but non invasive. They do the standard downs/edwards/pattau testing but you can also have screening for other abnormalities.

Oh good grief. The last bloody thing OP needs is a face to face meeting with this couple. The best response she can make to That Letter is to ignore it completely until she has taken the time she needs to decide whether she is continuing with her pregnancy or not.

It sounds like the wife rules to roost whilst really this man probably does have very strong feelings for you and maybe in different circumstances (ie lived on own / son didn't need care), then he would jump ship to be with you.
FFS the Pick-Me Dance is strong in this one.
Wicked, wicked wife! Must. Beat. Her. To. The. Prize.
Must stage a meeting with her, must decide that she's a horrible person.
Must view her as a competitor for the glowing prize of dick.

OP - right now, you have power in silence & not responding. I urge you to use it, & not play into this man's hands with any emotion, or any reply AT ALL until you are good & ready.

I’m not sure what sitting down with them will achieve. She’s not in a fight here, there’s no prize for her to gain. They’ve closed ranks against her and presented her with the facts: he’ll pay the amount of child maintenance he legally has to (once he’s done what he can to minimise it, I imagine), and that’s it. The rest is on OP.

Having said that, you are in control of how much they see him. Till the day he changes his mind and you have to share the kids with him and his wife EOW.

Nah, not going to happen. This man and his wife have a child that seems to require 24/7 care. Where are they going to fit in looking after a pair of active twins? The wife will be permaknackered, and bringing twins into this would set off world war 3 between them.

Don't worry about this@Desertislanddreamer . There's a faint possibility he might want to meet the 18yr old them, when there is no chance of being roped in for childcare, but if he does, he'll have to have his wallet out for uni fees!

Hmm it’s hard to predict

He might decide that having those kids over means he has to pay less child support
He might like the idea of having other kids around to make a more fun environment for their autistic child; or for them to get to know that child so they can look out for him long term
If he is a narcissist then he might like the image of caring dad having all his kids together EOW or more

@Whatsrheday This is how the op described the older child:

"When he spoke about his son he said neither of them can parent alone with him as he has no mobility/speech/understanding etc"

How would the twins interact with a child who has no speech, no ability to walk, crawl or use a wheelchair, and no understanding of what is said or signed to them? They could only be used as childcare. And that only for minutes at time, because this disabled child cannot be safely left alone.

Sooooo.... would he wait until the twins are, say, 14 or 15 - and then demand their presence every Saturday as respite childcare for the wife????? I'm sure their lawyer mother would be straight back to court to rebuff this!

Just an odd question considering the actual context of the thread.

I won’t go into details as don’t want to hijack thread but am in an opposite but similar situation as the left behind spouse with a child with SEN, where a second family has been created with an OW now GF and it’s playing out as I described above
I just mentioned as OP can’t be sure he won’t want access to her twins and if she plans what to do thinking he doesn’t it might skew her decision making

By 14/5 it’s what the kids themselves want in terms of contact that counts

@ShakespearesBlister I'm sorry if I've offended you. I am autistic and I can come across as blunt.

She can’t be sure, but history, and the present, is littered with discarded ‘outside’ children. If he does keep to his word then something OP may have to deal with is two children looking to have a relationship with their father/siblings and being roundly rejected. While they may want a relationship, he’s at liberty to shut the door in their face. Beyond maintenance, there’s no ‘he has to…’ here.

If OP goes ahead she will have two children by him, his wife will have one. I genuinely would not be surprised if he and his wife have further children, and possibly soon. That’s something for OP to consider as well, is she going to be watching them raise their family and him being an involved father to kids possibly younger than hers, while hers get the bare minimum? Are her children going to watching that?

So bit of an Update. Last night I went out for a lovely meal with a mutual friend and it all came to a head. Turns out he had an affair on his wife years ago. It was around the time they were TTC and once his wife fell pregnant he had to tell the other woman. He spun her lines of his marriage isn’t working/I’m not in a good place etc etc but had to come clean when she announced her pregnancy. OW sent screenshots of the 4 month affair to the wife to be told fuck off and leave her alone and the mutual friend said all was forgiven. That was it, no kicking him out or screaming matches. She just forgave him and moved on. I know the OW so I messaged her on social media last night and she clarified the whole thing and said she isn’t at all surprised he’s acting like nothing’s happening and has left me to pick up the pieces.
Mutual friend also said they were told by him they were separated, but she reached out to his wife after all this came to light and his wife said they’ve never been off. Still very much married and she has no interest whatsoever to meet/talk to me or find out anything her husband has done. He promised her honesty and she believes what he has told her. She also said she wants absolutely nothing to do with the twins and never will. To her they and me don’t exist.

Yes, this, if she is careful and strategic it will be easy for OP to have the upper hand in this situation, the man's default assumption will be that she is less clever capable and able to be strategic than he is..... Best she lets him go on believing that, does not show her hand and let him run with his default assumption.
Or give the appearance of someone who is in chaos and crisis and can't cope whilst privately coolly and calmly getting everything organised

That’s something for OP to consider as well, is she going to be watching them raise their family and him being an involved father to kids possibly younger than hers, while hers get the bare minimum? Are her children going to watching that?

But how is she going to be watching that? Unless the children go to the same school, it won't come up. There is no compulsion to follow people on social media, and any joint friends will hopefully be circumspect in what they say to both of them.

I think it more likely that the older child will die prematurely. Lots of children like this died of Covid - they are very prone to respiratory infections. So much sadness in these situations.

I wonder what you would do now if he did a complete turn around and decided he wanted to be with you and raise the twins together. Would you feel like second best or that he was with you due to guilt or a feeling of obligation? Maybe his wife will chuck him out and he has nowhere else to go. Personally, having shown his true colours I would not trust him and would not want him in my life apart from what you think is best for the children.
It really is a tough decision and one only you can make. Terminate and regret or feel relieved, or keep the babies, struggle but feel that was the right decision.
Whatever you decide, this man does not seem like long term partner material and certainly not a good, potential full time father for your children.
I wish you well in your decision.

@gingergiraffe oh there is not a hope in hell I would ever take him back regardless of my feelings for him. I am worth way more than the way he has treated me.

He's utter scum OP.

Think long and very hard what 20 years of involvement with scum can look like.

No matter what you will want contact wise, you will be putting yourself at the mercy of a scumbag that has zero moral compass.

Don't do that to yourself.

Protect yourself, your daughter and the life you have now.

As for the suggestion to have a face-to-face with these people, absolutely not!
You cannot level with these people you cannot let them see how you really feel, they are not in your corner they are your opponent.
They may pretend to form an alliance with you but there is too much conflict of interest for this to be anything other than a facade which they will use to exploit you. Or the man will use it it as a vehicle with which to control and exploit both women

I'm sorry if this is already been covered but reading the first post again I see that he was initially happy about the pregnancy but turned when he found out it was twins, this suggests to me that he was considering abandoning his first family in favour of this new pregnancy but on finding out it was twins decided that was too much for him and he wanted to stick with the first family?