Pregnant by (unknown married) partner-handhold

[Desertislanddreamer]

So I met this guy through work, known of him for over 5 years but started seeing him a year ago. We both decided to keep it private due to where we work, but a few friends/family know of us. It was going so well, he was such a lovely guy and I fell for him pretty fast. He was separated from his wife and living with his parents sharing custody of his son until he could find a place of his own, not ideal but they are a lovely family and due to circumstances with his disabled son it helped with the caring aspect and juggling a very demanding job. Just before Christmas I found out I was pregnant. He was shocked but very supportive to begin with, promising everything under the sun and wanting to have the baby and be a family. I decided to have a private scan to find out how far I was and got the shock of my life when two little blobs appeared on the screen…yes twins! it unfortunately all went downhill from there.
I didn’t hear from him that night, or the next day or a week later. When I messaged or tried to call him all I got was, ‘I’m busy’
turns out he is still married to his wife and they are all living with his parents (his family have a pretty huge house). I then get a letter from them both stating that they have decided to stay together as a family and once I give birth he will of course be financially responsible for the children but that will be the extent of his involvement.
Im absolutely devastated, having to see him in work (which he has absolutely ignored me, it’s like I no longer exist)
I don’t know how to move on. I don’t know how to get over this.

you need to get an abortion

Jesus fucking christ.

Looking at raising hopefully two healthy babies in detail.

Childcare.
Sick children childcare.
Years of primary school
Childcare during the school year.
Illness.
Holidays
Secondary school.
The teen years.

These are long hard years and that is hoping you have children without any issues.

This is not a good decent man.

You can walk away now and have nothing further to do with him or be connected and at his mercy for 20 years.

He was a mistake.
Having his children is just 20 years of punishment for you.

I think you can and should put this behind you.

My friend is 39 and has 18 month old twins and split with her shit partner in early pregnancy. She kept the babies. She has an early teen as well from another shit partner. It was - is - very tough, but her parents have helped a lot (although they are in their late 60s, early 70s). My friend’s other child was delIghted not to be an only, and adores the twins (and also was smarter than the mother - always disliked the latest shit partner).

The father is a baddie, but the baby twins are a joy. I think my friend always wanted to have more children, so maybe that is why she never seriously considered a termination, despite the difficulty of her situation.

What I am saying is that if you want the babies, don’t let anyone convince you that your life will be miserable for 18 years. My friend still struggles (and I am guessing she is less affluent than you). The ongoing relationship through the babies with the ex shit is unpleasant, but the babies are a blessing and a joy that daily trumps all.

You have a choice, of course. But please don’t think that if you choose to keep the babies you will be miserable forever (or at least for years and years). I think my friend really wanted to be a mother again. If that’s what you also want, you can do it and though it will be hard, it won’t be awful, because you will have the babies that you chose and you will surely love.

The other choice will be just as good for you, but only if that is what you are sure you want: your career, financial independence, the freedom of an almost grown up child leaving home, and a decade of dating and enjoying still being almost young and getting to the peak of your career.

Beyond all that (which no one can really advise you on, because you have to go with your gut), under no circumstances agree to have a conversation where you are ganged up on by that shit guy and his wife. That may have been his nastiest suggestion yet.

under no circumstances agree to have a conversation where you are ganged up on by that shit guy and his wife. That may have been his nastiest suggestion yet.

Bring a friend maybe. The most shit hot lawyer friend you know! Even if you have to pay them.

"I don’t want to go and cause her even more pain seeing what we had."

You need to stop this mad train of thought right now. You didn't have some kind of 'fated lovers' relationship or something that was 'better' than she had because he was lying to her AND YOU at the same time.

Her reasons for staying in the relationship are hers alone. You will never know what he told her , you can second guess it all you like.

Your consideration now is whether or not you want to raise twins alone and be tied to him for the entire life of your twins ( it doesn't just stop when they're 18, although it gets easier) or terminate, and if you really have decided that you want more children, use a donor with whom you have a much clearer contract.

These are a summary :

He has treated you and his wife badly.. He will have fed her anything she wanted to hear- she us reassred or trapped.. These aren't your issues. You have far more going on in your world to worry about them.

You currently are pregnant at an age it isn't likely ( though not) impossible to happen again in the future.

The decision how you proceed is yours to decide.. it is your body your choice

At this point you need to decide if you want to do raise these children more than likely on your own. You will get financial support but at this point assume no emotional support.

Decide what is right for you..

under no circumstances agree to have a conversation where you are ganged up on by that shit guy and his wife. That may have been his nastiest suggestion yet
I agree with this, do not allow them any access to you, keep them at a very far distance. Any contact with you gives them information about how you feel which they will want to use to manipulate you, even if you say very little and keep a poker face they will read you and it will give them some sense of power over you.

I know it’s late in the day but why have unprotected or iffy sex with a guy that did not show true commitment and remained separated rather than got a divorce to honour your union. I think you jumped into this somewhat naively.

So he is a dickhead that’s for sure but don’t be so trusting and play with your life with future partners. Insist on transparency and clear commitment.

the more shes posting the more she is either covering or hurting.
maybe get in touch. and ask her what hes told her happened? and does she want to know from your side and or the truth with proof. that way the balls in her court. but also youve said your bit and let her know hes a lying shit. so youve let your word be said in a way and got that load of your shoulder and no longer have to sit here thinking your being portryaed in a certain wya without your say. but also youve not said too much and need to feel bad for hurting her more.she can no more or not.

Helpful 🙄

How are you feeling @Desertislanddreamer? I've been thinking of you

@Coolheadedbird really?! For God's sake pipe down, what OP doesn't need right now is a lecture.

"Honour your union"? Middle ages came knocking and asking for their marriage vows back.

I think I found your anger for you. I feel so angry on your behalf. Although the wife's knowledge is controlled and limited by him, they have both treated you appallingly with that letter and I can't imagine the lies he must have told her about you. I certainly think she needs to know their friends and family were aware of you and said nothing. Unless of course he was lying to them too. What a cowardly piece of scum. Unbelievable that he would treat you so shabbily then hide behind his fake marriage and gullible wife. He just doesn't deserve any mercy for the way he's treated you. I'd honesty be going for the maximum damage I could possibly cause to him. It's the only way I would be able to move on with any sense of justice.

Anger but at what?

Whether the guy was married or not, an unplanned pregnancy is not always welcome especially if both of you have had kids before. He could have behaved in the same way and retreated, whether married or not.

Even if you did get back together you need him to show commitment and secure your children’s future by giving you financial security of a marriage.

If it helps other readers of this thread, why not state the elephant in the room.

It is true that an intelligent, seemingly sensible , woman shouldn't actually find herself pregnant by a less than year relationship man who lives with his parents, with a very involved childcare situation, and is neither divorced nor officially separated, nor a couple of years past his marriage "separation". And that was before the latest reconciliation with his wife.

Neither of them should have been having sex without a primary and back up form of contraception (and emergency if relevant). Children are the ultimate consequence carriers of "decision making" like this. It's always worth pointing out.

Yes, relationships can break down and kids end up in single parent families, blended families etc. But this is bringing them into a relatively young relationship with one partner not even extricated fully from his marriage, and with a complicated, onerous parenting situation on his side. Ultimately all 3 has meant he's recommitted to his marriage and thrown op under a bus. They are all worth significant caution and iron clad contraception.

Anyway .... Posted have done a an excellent job at pointing out the pros and cons of ops situation going forward. Only op can weigh up what matters to her most/what her guy tells her etc.

*what her gut tells her

*officially separated

Sorry I meant legally separated

He just doesn't deserve any mercy for the way he's treated you. I'd honesty be going for the maximum damage I could possibly cause to him. It's the only way I would be able to move on with any sense of justice.

I think the problem is not the guy and his actions. It’s the situation. And whether you feel you want to bring kids into the world where the father is sending solicitors letters to disown them, whilst being financially supportive. Resolving that is way more important than discussing the fact he did not let you know it was an affair.

Having said that, you are in control of how much they see him. Till the day he changes his mind and you have to share the kids with him and his wife EOW.

But if you want a bigger family his actions would not stop me. Nor would I feel vengeance. I would put a positive spin on it by making it my choice. And there is a lot of power to be gained when you realise he does not get a choice in affecting your life. You are loving it by choosing it, and they can bring you true happiness and peace.

She's being controlled by her husband and his lies. He will have told her OP is deranged and wouldn't leave him alone, is crazy and mentally unstable, he was vulnerable and she took advantage of him etc. She isn't going to listen to anything OP says. The only way would be to just send everything without asking if she wants to know, then she will not be able to Instantly block OP and her husband won't be able to continue his damage limitation and smear campaign against OP which is obviously what he is doing if the wife is so delusional. Personally I wouldn't be holding anything back and would expose it all in a way she will see everything and he can't control what she sees, but I'm not OP. His wife is going to get hurt anyway if she's dumb enough to have been roped into writing a letter with him. What does she think happened? He accidentally fell over and his erect penis fell into a passing vagina by mistake? She was clearly already in denial about the state of her marriage if he can do something like this and she still stays with him. Either that or she's incredibly stupid.

Fake marriage?

It really depends if op feels fully up for 18 + years of single parenting of twins, with an uninvolved father.

Guys whether their marriage is fake or not, it’s on. Right now. And as a third party you will always be in the outside looking in.

Unless you forget about it and other people’s actions.

Choose to have or not have babies in your own terms. Regardless of him or his actions.

You get financial support anyhow. You have options and they are not all bad.

Interesting that's the only word you pick up on. Yes fake. You know, like a farce. Not real to him. Pretending everything is rosy when it's not.

All are possible but maybe she's also being expedient.

She doesn't want him swanning off with op and investing in his new family of twins and leaving her pretty much 100% responsible for a significantly disabled child. Maybe she's using whatever leverage she has to make sure she has a co parent.