Pregnant by (unknown married) partner-handhold

[Desertislanddreamer]

So I met this guy through work, known of him for over 5 years but started seeing him a year ago. We both decided to keep it private due to where we work, but a few friends/family know of us. It was going so well, he was such a lovely guy and I fell for him pretty fast. He was separated from his wife and living with his parents sharing custody of his son until he could find a place of his own, not ideal but they are a lovely family and due to circumstances with his disabled son it helped with the caring aspect and juggling a very demanding job. Just before Christmas I found out I was pregnant. He was shocked but very supportive to begin with, promising everything under the sun and wanting to have the baby and be a family. I decided to have a private scan to find out how far I was and got the shock of my life when two little blobs appeared on the screen…yes twins! it unfortunately all went downhill from there.
I didn’t hear from him that night, or the next day or a week later. When I messaged or tried to call him all I got was, ‘I’m busy’
turns out he is still married to his wife and they are all living with his parents (his family have a pretty huge house). I then get a letter from them both stating that they have decided to stay together as a family and once I give birth he will of course be financially responsible for the children but that will be the extent of his involvement.
Im absolutely devastated, having to see him in work (which he has absolutely ignored me, it’s like I no longer exist)
I don’t know how to move on. I don’t know how to get over this.

Why cant you look for another job? Whether you keep the babies or ot you're still going to have to see him every day and thats going to be no good for you.

And don't believe what you see on socials, it's all bullshit.

No. Do not do this.

Hi everyone - thanks for the reports. We're taking this down while we contact the OP off the boards.

I don't think his wife can possibly have had time to get her head around this.

Also manipulative people like him manipulate everyone. So I very much doubt she's been told the truth.

I think it's pretty clear he wants you to terminate. I guess whatever you decide make sure you aren't being manipulated.

I don’t think anyone is trying to get OP to have an abortion, we are saying what we would do. Following ‘heart’ isn’t always the best course of action, and can make your life significantly harder and indeed worse.

Equally, there are posters who are saying she could manage twins. it’s for OP to make her mind up, she’s the one that’s going to be the one actually living it, after all.

What an awful situation to be in OP, I really feel for you. I am a single parent to 2 dc with additional needs, I wouldn’t ever chose to be in that position. If you continue with the pregnancy you will be raising them alone, of course it depends on what support you have in the way of family and friends but it won’t be easy, plus’s you will have to deal with this twat and his wife for the next 18+ years. If you chose not to go ahead with the pregnancy you will never have to have anything to do with him again and your life will be much easier not having to raise 2 dc single handedly.

I know it’s hard for anyone to tell you what to do, none of us are in your position so the advice we give could be much different to what we would actually do if it was us.

I hope you manage to come to a decision and that it’s the right one for you.

I have no idea if this is possible, but can you get a pre-birth agreement he will be paying for childcare to enable you to continue your career (and stay sane on maternity leave)?

Make sure you go through CMS if you do decide to keep the babies.

I don't think this would work.

I’m angry at myself for being so weak. I’m much stronger than I’m coming across.

You are not the weak one. Trust me.

Typical. Fucking. Man.

@Dibbydoos what you said about us being an escape from his life and the choices he has had to make really struck a cord. I’m in no way defending him but I know his situation is not as black and white as it seems.
Thank you for everyone’s own experiences, especially those that have twins and what daily life is like.

@IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 oh yes, I have thousands of messages, photos. The lot. I have them hidden in an album so I don’t have to see them in my photos and I have archived our WhatsApp chat, but it’s still there. Proof we happened.

Sorry but I'm absolutely seething for you. I'd be too angry to let him get away with this. I'd want his wife to know everything. It's obvious he's lied to her about you and filled her head with stories. That would make me even more angry. If you decide to go ahead I'd be screwing him for everything and making sure his wife knows the truth. How can you actually believe what he told you about the child? What the hell did she think he was doing while he was away with you? God I feel angry at the pair of them for the joint reaction in that letter. But then I suppose you won't know how he coerced her into writing it. Maybe write to her and tell her exactly what went on so that he can't influence what gets said by being present.

Send her the WhatsApp history and everything else. He's probably told her the most vile things about how you seduced him when he was vulnerable.

I half agree with this. I think she only knows part of the truth, what he's decided is safe enough to tell her. For example, how you're a seductress who poked holes in his condoms. It's unlikely he's been upfront.
I do on one hand think she is entitled to know the whole truth in order to make an informed decision.
On the other hand, as a Pp mentioned she may feel trapped, caring for her disabled DS living in her in laws home, who knows if she can financially afford to leave him. If this was the case, knowing all the ins and outs would only serve to make her shitty situation even worse.

It's a really hard one. I feel for you.

A few months ago he started taking depression and anxiety medication, he’s never spoke about feeling depressed or struggling in life before so it was rather a shock that these pills were on the go. I have a sneaky suspicion that part of the story he’s spun to his wife was he was in a vulnerable state, he wasn’t thinking clearly etc. Maybe that’s just my mind overthinking as per.

I do feel she should know the full truth, and being honest we all know he’s just going to be admitting the bare minimum, but I don’t want to hurt her anymore than she already is. Yes she is getting my goat up with posting on social media, but I get it’s just a show. She might be getting all her ducks in a row and copies of all our messages/photos will help her leave or she might just be accepting that she is trapped in this hell for the foreseeable and I don’t want to go and cause her even more pain seeing what we had.

Hmm. Maybe if you meet them then say directly to her "if you want to know the full truth and would like to see copies of messages between us, please get in touch". Then the balls in her court?

Well she’s in a shit situation. Living with her husbands parents with her child - she’ll be the one expected to move out - and then end up paying rent - so not a great situation … she’d lose everything.

OP, you have my sympathy, what an absolute turd burger of a man.

No one here or IRL can tell you or advise you on what to do and nor should they, but they can support your decisions totally.

As far as his wife goes, I can pretty much guarantee he won't be working with you for much longer. That's if she knows you work with him - not a chance will she let him be anywhere near you so I would stick with work for a bit and see how it pans out and of course, even if he doesn't leave then why the fuck should you? Don't gift yourself even more upheaval.

I think it's a good idea to have a phone call with him, or better still a face to face conversation with them both. It will be hard but you deserve to be heard and I think she needs to hear you. Of course, she deserves no animosity but it's her husband that's going around inseminating people and she's chosen (at least for now) to stick with it so she needs to know you mean business if you do choose to keep the twins.

Babies can be hard, multiples more so, but people manage, you sound like a woman with love, empathy and strength and you would do an amazing job but the choice is yours, neither option is wrong.

For those saying that the OP should involve HR or that the wife won’t let him continue to work with her for long, have you missed the fact that OP and the man are not employed by the same company?

They are both solicitors working for different companies but in the same geographical location and therefore they run across each other frequently at court. Short of one of them moving to a completely different part of the country and starting to build up their practice from scratch, there is nothing to be done about the work situation.

The wife is likely to double down behind him. Not only is he the one she is emotionally tied to, but he’s the provider for her and their child. In her eyes you’re the enemy and a threat to that. Tbh I wouldn’t be surprised if they have another child in the next year or two, to cement themselves as the family.

Hi OP
ive been there unfortunately, my ex of two years had a secret fiancée he’s from a different community with strict laws. We were living together, I got pregnant and he ran they married when our son was just a few months old. I didn’t know he was engaged until after I’d had our son whilst going through post natal depression. It’s taken so much to get to where I am now but having my son has been the making of me and luckily I have a close support network and supportive job. To say I was devastated, furious, angry is an understatement he also hasn’t told anyone but I took him to the cms and he continues to ask about our son and my dating life(!!) without her knowing. He also turns up every few months unannounced behind her back and I despise him. I know how unfair it is but please block them on social media and do not buy into that facade.

@Desertislanddreamer

Yeah, 'don't shit where you eat' became my mantra. Not just mine because I wasn't the only one this guy pulled his 'office romance' shit on. He wasn't married (just a real shit), and it was 'successive' entanglements but he kept one completely secret from the other and on the string til the next 'conquest' was made so there was 'overlapping'. Thrill of the chase, I guess. Bastard. Not hard to keep secret because this was long ago and a 'no office dating policy' was a thing. A couple of them eventually did put 2+2 together after I left and it got back to me. We actually communicated with each other for a bit then drifted apart as we each healed. I later passed up a couple of work colleague 'possibilities' because of my mantra, but in the end found Mr Right outside the workplace so the mantra was the right decision.

On another subject, as far as 'that man' and his wife go, I think you need to get them out of your head. Just my 2 pence, but I've found that focusing on the 'facts' and not the 'reasons' behind someone else's decision has served me well when I've had difficult or life changing decisions of my own to make. How, what, and why they (together and separately) made their decision to stay together and 'cut you/the babies out' isn't something to dwell on. It's not really relevant to your decision and your future life because you have no control nor ability to change it. Neither is who the 'driving factor' is in telling you that he will not be involved. The FACT of the decision is important, but not the reasoning behind it. Devoting time to it takes emotional and mental energy away from the decision you need to make and serves as a distraction from making that decision. I can see where this might seem odd to a criminal lawyer, where the whys and wherefores can play a big part in both a prosecution and the defense. But you aren't in a courtroom trying to convince a judge or a jury. This is just you making a decision.

Very well put.
The unfathomable are hindering you
Had you fallen pregnant after a random relationship, would you throw your life & security into upheaval ?