Pregnant by (unknown married) partner-handhold

[Desertislanddreamer]

So I met this guy through work, known of him for over 5 years but started seeing him a year ago. We both decided to keep it private due to where we work, but a few friends/family know of us. It was going so well, he was such a lovely guy and I fell for him pretty fast. He was separated from his wife and living with his parents sharing custody of his son until he could find a place of his own, not ideal but they are a lovely family and due to circumstances with his disabled son it helped with the caring aspect and juggling a very demanding job. Just before Christmas I found out I was pregnant. He was shocked but very supportive to begin with, promising everything under the sun and wanting to have the baby and be a family. I decided to have a private scan to find out how far I was and got the shock of my life when two little blobs appeared on the screen…yes twins! it unfortunately all went downhill from there.
I didn’t hear from him that night, or the next day or a week later. When I messaged or tried to call him all I got was, ‘I’m busy’
turns out he is still married to his wife and they are all living with his parents (his family have a pretty huge house). I then get a letter from them both stating that they have decided to stay together as a family and once I give birth he will of course be financially responsible for the children but that will be the extent of his involvement.
Im absolutely devastated, having to see him in work (which he has absolutely ignored me, it’s like I no longer exist)
I don’t know how to move on. I don’t know how to get over this.

at 39/40, depending on how you look at it, it’s either a last shot at motherhood

She already is a mother,

I don't understand this line of thought.

It's like a baby is a commodity, something you 'want' like a new handbag or a new car.

Surely a baby is best if it's the outcome of a loving partnership, not some horrible affair where the father runs away and you are left, literally, holding his baby for life, a constant reminder of what a knob he was.

I had twins and a 3 year old.
DH was often away working. Yes it’s a juggling act but it’s doable!

I really don’t like people trying to get you to have an abortion - you have been thrown a curve ball and you need to rationalize your situation and what you want for your future.

Many women do it alone.

He’s an arse.

You don’t have to justify yourself to him or his wife on your decisions.

Wht do you want?

But they absolutely can. All he’s required to do is pay child support, beyond that they can both opt out of anything else. OP isn’t in a position where she can demand anything else.

Yep, whenever I see anyone suddenly start to post stuff like that on FB I always assume the marriage is on the rocks, one of them has had an affair or similar. It's not a sign of happiness.

Having a dh who works away is not the same as being a single mum.

Apart from one antiabortionist poster, no one is trying to get the OP to do anything. They’re advising what they’d do in this awful situation.

Also your own, very different situation with twins, is colouring your judgement @GoldilockMom.

Not true . 22 weeks possible - as per BAPM extreme preterm guidelines 30% of those resuscitated at 22 weeks do survive but 33% of those who survive would have a severe disability. So yes the odds aren’t in your favour at 22 weeks but we do resuscitate at this gestation and do have surviving babies

Sorry below message a response to St Clare :
Not true . 22 weeks possible - as per BAPM extreme preterm guidelines 30% of those resuscitated at 22 weeks do survive but 33% of those who survive would have a severe disability. So yes the odds aren’t in your favour at 22 weeks but we do resuscitate at this gestation and do have surviving babies

Hate to say it but being a single mum to twins is different to a DH who works away a lot... sorry to say.

But as a single mum to twins it is doable. But the sacrifices are large and it will be a very different parenting experience to what you had with your older DC. (I have friends who had a single ton and then twins who have confirmed this)

I presume from your job you are paid a decent salary but childcare for twins is extortionate. Again, anything is doable but there is a lot to consider here.

The twins trust charity are good and may be able to point you in the direction of specific support. Also establishing a network of local twin mum groups will help a lot, ours meet every week. I hardly ever make it to be fair! But the WhatsApp group is helpful.

Oh OP im so sorry - what a bloody awful situation.

I really don’t want to add anything to your situation but feel I should be honest about the reality of twins. It’s really, really hard, particularly when they’re babies. Even with two of you.

Childcare for two is extortionate and someone is always ill meaning we’ve missed so much work.

Really glad to hear you’ve got lots of support around you x

We have 30% survival of 22weekers (of those resuscitated , if unfavourable risk factors then wouldn’t necessarily be resuscitated) too :)

so this bit could def be true but equally agree who knows if someone is a massive liar

You'd be better off not stalking the wife's SM, but ... you're only human.
So see those posts for what they are - desperation.
He's not Her Love, he's a cheating arsehole who the wife is clinging onto by the skin of her teeth, thinking she's just won the Pick-Me Dance.
www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/

If you haven't come across the brilliant Chump Lady yet, follow the link above, then browse the archives - you NEED her wisdom, hard-bitten experience, & above all snark.

This man is on a strict regime at home & his wife knows she can't trust him to have so much as an unsupervised phone call with you:
If you would like to discuss any of this in a phone call we can arrange to do that, but only on the understanding that firstly, I will not change my decision, and secondly, X (my wife) will be present during any discussion that takes place.

She will never trust him again, she will spend every evening he's 'working late' wondering what he's up to, if she's smart she's got all the humiliating joy of an STD test, & her confidence will be at rock bottom.
She hasn't won any prizes here. So don't wind yourself up about what she's posting on SM, she's as devastated as you are, & kidding herself that 'saving' her marriage to a cheat is something to celebrate.

None of us can advise you what to do about your pregnancy.
Just make sure you base your decision on what YOU want & what will make YOUR life better for the next 20 years.

I'm so sorry this man lied to you. You mentioned his lawyer-cold wording in his letter & how you dread that this will be the cold persona he presents to you at work now, saying that it's a complete turnaround from how he used to be with you. Bear in mind that the cold persona is the real him. The other guy, the one who was warm etc etc etc to you ... that was just a style he adopted to get what he wanted from you. It's a construct, it wasn't real. So don't you go pining for it. You are better off without this shit (& so would his wife be, but she, like you, has her own long term decisions to make).

Agree with @KettrickenSmiled

You didn’t say ‘I think…”. You spewed a hateful comment stating that she ‘would’ regret it. That’s a typical anti abortionist ploy.

If it were me I'd hate to be linked to this man and for any child to have him as their father. I know he doesn't want anything to do with any child but you don't know what will happy. If you work together so much then you are going to be bumping into him for a long time and presumably live in the same area.

I'm not sure why some posters seem to be be revelling in the sad position that the guys wife is in. It wasn't her fault he cheated. If the guy decides to want to see the kids she is going to be the kids step mother 🫤

OP … your DD is off to Uni so soon not tied to a particular school , in time could you relocate to a different area and a different firm . Could you look for a new role whilst on maternity ? Have you looked into the cost of childcare . Lots to think about . You have done nothing wrong so hold your head high and think about what you want and how you are going to get there

yupp, make it harder for her to delude herself.

Be like ''so when you said you were separated and ready for a relationship, what you meant was................... I just want to deceive two women''. That kind of thing.

So when you asked me not to tell x, y and z at work, what you meant was ''they know I'm still married.

List off all of the people who know that he cheated on his wife.

There’s an increased risk of premature birth with twins and also an increased risk of premature birth for older mothers (although the risk ramps up after age 40), and he already has a traumatic experience of a baby being born prematurely, so he will no doubt be hyper aware of that. I’m not surprised he’s suddenly gone cold. You were his fantasy escape life, but are now looking considerably more like the reality he found so depressing that he needed a fantasy to escape to in order to cope with it.

I don’t think he is getting away scot free at all, I think getting away with it stopped when you got pregnant, and his life, your life, his wife’s life, and potentially his disabled child’s life, are now infinitely worse as a result of his fantasies being exposed and more obligations and responsibilities being created. The wife’s posts on social media are just evidence of how much suffering this has created for everyone. She didn’t feel the need to post like this before. You are a massive threat to her child’s future security as her son sounds like a child who may never live independently. You and twins will be a huge drain on resources.

He's saying he doesn't want to have anything to do with the children. Now. But who knows what will happen in the future. Like if his wife finally wises up, "gets her ducks in a row" and gets rid of him, he may come looking for his other children to start a relationship with. To do the things he can't do with his disabled son. He has the means and money to make that happen. You've seen how cold he can be. You should be very wary about tying yourself to someone like that for the rest of your life.

For goodness sake with these answers. Focusing on the wife and how much she knows like it’s amusing gossip.

op, he will not be with you nor will he be involved. If he is a solicitor you will know what he earns, you can work out maintenance. The decision is now fo you wish to proceed with the pregnancy and raise these babies as a single parent.

everything else is Just noise.

Why are you encouraging her to stick it to his wife. For gods sake

I would disregard the father and his wife and focus on the practicalities. Will you be able to afford two more children? How would you afford child care after mat leave? Even with his contribution, it's likely to run into thousands.

If you want the babies have them op, you sound like you have a great support network. Sounds like he won’t mess you around financially.
I had a baby at 40 with a teen (not an intended gap but earlier attempts unsuccessful and then a massive surprise) and it’s been the best thing I ever did, brings me joy every day. Yes going back to work felt awful but I think it always does and we have a good routine now.

Good luck op

sorry you’ve had to deal with such a dick

@Desertislanddreamer hard as it is, make the decision on what is best for you and don't be swayed by the wife and the man who got you pregnant. I don't normally advocate termination, but if it enables you to walk away then might be best. Being a single parent to twins is forever.