Dating Thread 238 - Sex, Beer and Sausage Rolls (for the lucky ones!)

[OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss]

Hi All welcome to a shiny new thread as we proceed into 2023 with support for those riding the rollercoasters of the world of dating.

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

I was probably the better partner in terms of availability / flexibility and was the one who could afford to pay for trips out that she probably couldn’t afford, but who knows.

Howlongy , this is mean. Many of us have kids and are not that flexible. Men and women. MrEx has always paid a lot more than me because he can and could. That doesn’t make him the better partner

@Mila14 its not a lack of love, it’s his living arrangements and lack of available time. The problem for him is that he’s a natural ‘serious relationship’ type and was falling over himself to be able to say we were boyfriend/girlfriend. He writes regular lovelorn letters and we have a very loving and sexual connection. So it’s not that 😉

I’ve suggested he reins that stuff in a bit and we just live in the moment without so many big declarations. We shall see how that goes; in the meantime he’s now more aware that this is an open situation. I can’t be monogamous to someone I only see once a fortnight (if that sometimes) and he is acceptant of that. Meanwhile the MrM friendship grows deeper and is in its own way very loving - just not romantically. Like I say, it’s not perfect at all but it does feel very open and grown up to be having such civilised and honest conversations with decent men and where friendship and respect is at the core of it.

You are amazing @ibelieveinmirrorballs …I really admire you. Hopefully you can stay happy with the situation as it is 🥰

In what was it mean?
It’s simply the truth, I’m was more flexible in terms of availability / dates / time free & I put more into the relationship, her son was 17, he didn’t need a sitter and was often not there,

she was essentially single

I definitely don’t have all the answers here, but I think for me it’s about realising that how they feel about someone else is a completely separate thing to how they feel about me. The strange thing that is emerging slightly for me is the dawning realisation that my relationship with MrM is completely independent of others and therefore never needs to end, it will mutate no doubt, but it leads to a new regard for it as being something that just “is” rather than something that might have to end if either of us meets someone else or changes their mind.

It needs discussion though and I think you both have to be able to have hard talks - as I say the distance thing made me realise I would find it hard if he was seeing a lot of someone else and I also know I wouldn’t want to ever feel secondary to a main partner. MrM is different, he’s not bothered about being secondary.

Those must be some truly tricky conversations,
so what would happen if either guys started seeing another person who became their “main “ partner, would you end that relationship/ friendship ?

Mila14

i also agree that the next few months will ascertain if things have legs with MrEx
you know some people and men do get the black dog
me ex did , my ex ex did
my best friends husband does
my son has but he’s working on it

I just think communicating is key , and then working on it . And also you not being at affect of it. It’s ok to have mental health issues , but it’s very hard with the male female interface

you’ll figure it out

NoDatingForOldMen

hmm . It’s a damm shame it happened at such a bad time for you personally . I think it shows a lack of empathy and kindness at her end .
yes , disappointing . Can see why your upset

and your next relationship would be nice to have someone who does some running 🏃‍♀️

time is a healer , right now you can’t imagine meeting a nice kind woman . But you most likely will at some stage

she just dumped me really, felt like out of the blue, but reflecting on it & maybe she had enough of me

@NoDatingForOldMenthought you dumped her🤷‍♀️

You were busy with your mum and she suggested you didn't have time for your relationship and you agreed.

That sounds like you dumped her....i know you sent messages and rung and she didn't respond but you did call it first.

It is a real shame as I thought you had something good developing.

How is your mum?

I think I would, not because they were doing anything ‘wrong’ but because it would make me feel anxious to be iIn that position.

I’m trying to listen to how situations make me feel rather then have prescriptive rules. I’m quite an anxious person in relationships so anything that triggers that anxiety won’t work for me. I get it sometimes with MrM and sometimes think I do need to end it.

@Stayingstrongish
i guess you are right, I think I was looking for some extra support form her in someways , she must think I’m a right cunt.

mum is okayish, was her birthday last week, she can hardly walk now, took her out for lunch , she was clinging onto me, was getting confused about the days called me by me dad’s name

Newbie here! Just wanted to share a potentially positive story 😄 and say there is hope. Had some really bad experiences last year or so, flaky blokes and one outright possessive narcissist, anyway was about to give up and just got chatting to a guy on the past few weeks, we live in the same town and already been on a 2 dates! Went for a few drinks last week and the latest was coffee and a bike ride, and a walk on the beach (was very romantic) if unconventional and cold lol but we're both into cycling and thought why not? He's smitten, and so am I, already got another date planned this week as he has some space in his diary, he seems super keen and we just click. He's also a very good kisser 🤗 The motto is don't give up! There are good ones out there!
He's coming over to mine one evening this week, will keep you updated but it's already quite passionate 😍

There is a lot of depression about at the moment.
So sorry about Mr Ex's state @Mila14 -you two just seem so good together - it is really tough.
My insomnia has returned -thought I had fixed it but basically waking up at 2am and worrying about divorce matters then not being able to get back to sleep which then impacts work /aaaargh.
Mr Serb is being hugely affectionate and when he left this evening after a lovely day out and then dinner and movie at mine he actually arranged for us to meet in Wednesday and on Friday which is unprecedented. If this works out after all our ups and downs and being teobverybemotionslly damaged people then there is definitely hope for everyone.

@NoDatingForOldMen think maybe you meant to tag @SortingItOut

sounds like there may have been a misunderstanding between you both which is a shame, you wanted extra support deep down but she took from it that you wanted space. Has this kind of misunderstanding happened in other relationships you’ve had? It may be something you’re doing without realising

Must be hard seeing your mum so confused.

@NoDatingForOldMen I'm pleased to read you took your mum out for a birthday lunch, bet she enjoyed it.

Is the confusion from a UTI or are her cognitive abilities going downhill?

what support do you have? You sound really low🤗

Jangolina…divorce is a MASSIVE issue for most of us. Especially because the biggest chunk of our productive career and money/property ladder is embedded on it. It will get better but I also had countless sleepless nights and it took me almost 5 years of fighting back and fourth after we were already divorced to claw back and get a better settlement as he hid/diverted assets and much more. In the se hard years also helped me to focus on rebuilding my economy. It did help MrEx gave me many romantic and lovely moments when I most needed it. I was crazy busy then so not sleeping was bad.
What really really work for me is training almost daily. Going to bed physically tired did wonders for me.Stay strong lovely and enjoy your time with Serb

Thank you Worsy , I think the problem is that it affects me and perhaps we need to sit down and talk about it. The problem is I already live with teenagers and they occupy a huge chunk of angst/hormone/craziness/ nerves etc. I provide A LOT of support to people around me. It’s nice getting a bit of uncomplicated fun too 😊
I work at my health and fitness and my mental issues too. I think we all need to. And we also need to be ready to make the right choices.

Apologies, wasn’t wearing my glasses last night

@JangolinaPitt I agree with @Mila14 about training every day. I need to do it for sleep and health reasons - especially as we all have so much going on in our heads with separation/divorce/dating/rebuilding and refreshing our lives.

I had a couple of dates and calls this weekend. Nobody made my soul sing but sometimes it takes time to get to know people and I have no idea how to sift through profiles and make any decisions. It might be also due to mr accidental. I did sort of vaguely ask him on a phone date but then I got mega busy with work (9pm finishes and straight to bed), he had his kids all weekend and there have been various other unexpected stuff going on. Still messaging daily and interesting chat. Both had some family stuff going on recently. I'm also a hopeless messager - it's either lots when I'm in the mood or not at all (neuro diverse). I'm just going to let things pan out and see where that takes me with him and the others.

I'm not one of those people with a game plan who is ruthless, focussed and has a set of rules about deleting if no message after 24 hours (I fail on that a lot) etc. Maybe that makes the thing easier?

Have a read of this.

healthyframework.com/dating/blog/what-is-online-dating-like-for-men/

you probably need to more looking and sending yourself

I totally agree with @NoDatingForOldMen

Men don't get approached.

But I approach men I like. I just can't see why you wouldn't 🤷‍♀️

I have first date number 7 this evening 🙄
I was hopeful but again, is it just me?, the emphasis is on sex.

Is that what happens when you message first? Are you seen as easy?

Oh well, we go again, he has great potential but there's something not quite right.

I have first date number 8 on Wednesday. Older man, going out for lunch, hasn't mentioned sex once.

Oh and @Ilovemycatalot I'm 56 so I hope to god you're not past it at 43!!!

Deffy…I do understand it re the sex thing without even having met. I’d ditch him straight really. Saves you time going on a date with a moron. Date with nr8 looks good on Wednesday. Fingers crossed lovely

Thank you.

I mean I miss the physical side but I've come to terms with the fact that I can't do hookups or one night stands.

I appreciate men being open and I'd never feel otherwise. But, unless I swoon over a guy, it's not what I want. And In fact I did try it with one guy I fancied so much. Felt awful after. Truly awful.

See I'm not even giving them names now.

Oh and on messages -so many guys just answer your question and that's it. No conversation at all. Those I just drop very quickly as need chat. I need someone who has opinions.

I obviously need something that just doesn't exist 🤷‍♀️

You are doing fine and having dates. That’s what it is about. I know luck is an issue here but I believe in getting out there and actually dating!