Dating Thread 238 - Sex, Beer and Sausage Rolls (for the lucky ones!)

[OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss]

Hi All welcome to a shiny new thread as we proceed into 2023 with support for those riding the rollercoasters of the world of dating.

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Lovemusic33

my ex (also a cave man ) went three weeks once
yes
my ex ex could go longer

so cherry 🍒 might be that way inclined also , esp if he’s anxious

not an attractive or enjoyable character trait

mydogissexierthanme77
yeah , I did that a bit when I had covid
i was so annoyed with myself the next day

remember potential isn’t actual
never will be

He apparently suffers with anxiety, I would say he’s on the spectrum also which makes things tricky. I guess I am just a bit annoyed that he’s not even arguing with me, just ignoring me. How long does he expect me to sit around for? Is he expecting me to apologise even though I haven’t done anything wrong? A part of me just wants to block him to teach him a lesson, but maybe that’s what he wants?

I have 1 out 4 (motorbike),
bur not very fit, over 50 and not ex military

I’m up to about a month, so pretty sure it’s over for me

He can be a bit blunt towards women

@NoDatingForOldMen 🏍️🚲🚀… ah, they do exist then. Well, you’ve made me smile at least today! Thank you.

@Lovemusic33
Mine was like this but is being trained… We have had some sticky patches (well -outright rows -the worst two weeks ago) but he has got the message that he has to apologise and that I will happily accept and we move on. Last night we were supposed to meet -he was busy with work but did not tell me till nearly 7pm he couldn’t make it. I didn’t respond then he messaged 10th so later to apologise for not letting me know sooner and asking if I could do tonight. I was tempted to say stuff that, but just said okay then. Later (when I was actually in bed asleep) he went for a run past my house and messaged to so if I wanted to go for a late drink. I had my phone switched off so didn’t see till this morning. He has messaged a couples of times today. This would have been unprecedented a few months ago. Progressing.

Maybe I could sneak in another 1/2 point, I was brought up in a military family, some people think I’m ex military, but my street is pure civvie.

this is the problem…he does not think he’s done anything wrong. You are still young and lovely and want a long term partner…can you see yourself growing older with this guy???

JangolinaPitt

wow . Serbs really upping his game . He’s learning his cave avoidant ways aren’t the best

gives me hope actually 😂

Nooooooo @beepbeepme I was loving the tales of loved up fabulousness 3 or 4 weeks in with MrBike and now there's a mental strange coincidence with the diacritics aspects of @Dailywarning date! But I thought you'd found your person

The fact that you are questioning him must mean you seriously think he's up to tricks.

I'm so sorry if I've got the wrong end of the stick but also very sorry if you are suffering and in anguish after such heady heights of romance and a week away with your daughter. 😔

@Lovemusic33 i have no patience with sulking - zero. Not from any adult. Silent treatment is abuse and so is controlling behaviour. Just don’t play his game, put him in the bin. You don’t need to tell him he’s in the bin as I’m sure he can work it out for himself! It’s disappointing but once someone shows you who they are you must believe them.

I wouldn't be able to look past extended sulking or silent treatment - my tolerance for poor behaviour is very low though

Well I'm home from my date. Nice enough evening but unfortunately no spark so text has been sent

You're very good with letting them know @Slothmomma with your texts I think this is where I've gone wrong in the past being too nice to stop seeing those nice enough men and then roll into a thing with people with whom I have no spark (f. Gallops?)

I tired to catch up with thread in hairdressers yesterday but then got talking to an interesting woman...

@Mila14 I read that MrEx was being maudlin and depression was getting the better of him with no plans for Valentines Day and you were recognising this wasn't what you needed. How are things with you and him now? Does he recognise he needs to up his fun and frolics game for you to stay?

@Definitelycross you had a fantastic 8th first date I think. What's the latest with you?

@5thWisdom lacklustre swiping and fruitless or have you got any promising irons now?

@JangolinaPitt you had a rollercoaster needing processing was this with MrSerb

@Thisisworsethananticpated any more steaminess with men younger or otherwise or is their not being MrBalkan too tricky.

@Eeksteek and @ibelieveinmirrorballs are you in relationships with blokes who were previously irons and first dates? Sorry my brain is all of a muddle.

@Mollymolloy are you back on the apps after your disappointing post-DTD performance from shirty MrP (I hate it when it's all going well then suddenly their text content and frequency changes and they deny it but you know they're sliding away. It's a head f*ck).

And our rep from the other side @NoDatingForOldMen how's life trundling over to see your mum? Is there an option to get her nearer to you? How's her health. I haven't phoned mine this week. Deliberately not being her go-to support worker.

I had a 3 hour video call with my new iron last night (I can't think of a name as he's into so many things) - ok have decided to call him MrMaker. A lot of laughing and we have identical taste in comedy, films, music and books. We are very similar in many ways. He's very keen and said 'I'd really like to see you again very soon and do more kissing' so we're off to the cinema tomorrow after work with Friday scheduled for 'something' which could in theory be at his house which is an hour from mine. Not sure if I'm ok with moving that fast but on the other hand you only live once and only so many days of relative youthfulness remain. We'll see.

@Lovemusic33 it's hard to recover from that kind of horrible ghostly behaviour. Some people do (ref @JangolinaPitt) but now I look back from a 50 year old vantage point with a 25 year marriage to a fella who should me who he was with this kind of behaviour (pre mobiles so actually different but the same sulking). If you bin him off and tell him so when/if he comes back to you you have the opportunity to meet some decent fellas. If you stick with him it will forever be pandering to his fragile ego and putting up with this crazy-inducing behaviour.

How long have you been with him? Another thing Matthew Hussey says (dating guru) is ignore the 'sunk cost' of how long you've been with them. If they start treating you badly after weeks, months or years the reaction should be the same - 'Ok bye 👋 Thanks for the good times. Have a nice rest of your life'

@OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss Good to hear about your video call. This all sounds very positive.

Thanks for checking in.

I'm ok. I'm not on the apps, trying to muster the mental strength required to navigate the murkiness. I'm not sure I'm ready. I'm in a bit of a funk and ideally should be putting myself out there, just not sure I feel strong enough yet. Especially after last year's disastrous run.

I really do think it will be impossible for me to meet anyone other than via OLD though.

Daffodils are in the shops, spring is on its way thankfully.

I'm following everyone's stories though - @beepbeepme I really hope he's not doing the dirty on you.

Great news about MrMaker @OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss .. keeping everything crossed for you.

Loving Matthew Hussey. So many things make sense now! Definitely the advice that I needed.

Off all the apps for a bit of a break, at the moment. Once I have got the enthusiasm back, I will give it another go…

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss we have known each other for a year, he vanished once before but for no reason. I guess I am just annoyed that there’s no real closure. I prefer to have an argument and talk things through but he obviously isn’t capable of this. Tomorrow will be a week that he has ignored me, he’s actively posting on Facebook, I admin his group for him. I am tempted to remove myself from the group. He’s being so bloody childish, if he had listened to me instead of having a meltdown and sulking we wouldn’t be here now. I have been in a relationship with a narcissist before and Mr Cherry doesn’t really tick the boxes, or he didn’t until now, the relationship has been very slow (no love bombing etc..), we didn’t DTD for ages and he has been very considerate and caring, though not overly affectionate. The last couple of weeks I have witnessed him have several meltdowns where he’s not been able to control his emotions and he has been paranoid but last Monday was the first time it was aimed at me.
Anyway, I am going to go out today (we usually spend today together), I will try and meet up with friends and try not to think about him.

@Lovemusic33 personally for me the silent treatment is a deal breaker. One day to clear his head etc is fine. A week? That's a cruel punishment- he is deliberately witholding his time, affection and communication from you.
conflict or disagreements are normal, the way someone who cares about you tries to resolve them is vital.

5thWisdom

im on the bench with you !
I think I’ve said this but IF you are in a funk don’t OLD ! Will make you feel much worse

what’s the funk around specifically ?
how can we (you !) get our mojo back ?

as time passes I get more freaked (if that’s the word ) how I didn’t express boundaries and then how it’s turned me into someone I didn’t like as I was soooo anxious and insecure 😟

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss

i did join FEELD then was like WTF and froze profile ! I’ve messaged one chap who paid for a ping and he seems nice . But it’s too soon and I explained to him
so other than gazing at Pilates it’s a fat NOTHING

@Lovemusic33 What was the last form of communication with him and what was said?

This is extremely cruel. I've been on the receiving end. It messes so much with your head, which is what he wants. That was with someone who had absolutely zero coping mechanisms to deal with me being unhappy or raising issues of any kind. So just ran away and waited until I apologised for being so selfish for actually having feelings of my own.

I've also thought about times where I've gone into hiding, away from someone, no contact. That was a toxic relationship where I was trying to protect myself.

That's different to training someone not to call you out on behaviours/words etc. which is what he's doing.

Last message was sent by me. I sent him a long message when I got home Monday saying that his paranoia was getting out of hand and was scaring me, I also told him he doesn’t get to s who I talk to or who I am friends with. He replied saying he didn’t tell me I couldn’t talk to my friends, so I quoted what he had said “I don’t think you should talk to xxxx anymore” and he hasn’t replied. So I sent the last message and he has chosen to ignore. I have been totally open with him from the start, he knows I have male friends that I share a hobby with. The person he got funny about was someone I had met in Tinder during lockdown so I get why he felt a bit funny about it but he wouldn’t listen to anything I said and the paranoia wants about me having any kind of feelings for this guy, it was about him being paranoid that this guy wasn’t who he said he was.

Lovemusic33

my ex did this and it really fucked my head up and made me so anxious and insecure

every time he caved I’d stalk him on social media which made things 100 times worse

seeing him online when he’s ghosted you is horrible

so what’s to do ? I don’t know
listen to the wise women here x

Oh bless you. I think it's just a bit of getting older, jaded, having too many failed relationships to look back on. Realising where I keep going wrong but not knowing how to fix.

The dread of starting from scratch all over again, I'm not sure I have the emotional energy.

All the complications of a relationship to navigate and not actually being sure it's worth all the hassle.

I couldn't even get a man to actually meet up with me in person, if you remember?!

I hope you're feeling ok and less vulnerable and the heartbreak is easing as more time passes. Stay strong and you will get through this.