Dating Thread 238 - Sex, Beer and Sausage Rolls (for the lucky ones!)

[OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss]

Hi All welcome to a shiny new thread as we proceed into 2023 with support for those riding the rollercoasters of the world of dating.

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@NoDatingForOldMen
My record is 28 first dates in a year. << I seriously doubt I’ve had that many in my entire life, that’s genuinely fucking depressing.
I think that number of first dates is more a reflection of my desperation than anything else. And it probably includes quite a few from Fab as I was using that as a distraction. And for some fun.
I'm more fussy now about who I agree to meet. I try and filter at the message stage, if anyone actual replies!

the women were so boring, hardly any had anything interesting to say.
Some of my male friends have also said this. And a common complaint is filters. Or using camera angles to hide their size.
So when they arrange a date, the woman they meet isn't anything like their photos.

Probably where I'm going wrong. My photos are unfiltered and honest.

@NellyTheCake at least you were getting replies & chats & dates etc, when nobody ever responds it makes you feel like something is wrong with me, it’s pretty depressing.

Some of my male friends have also said this. And a common complaint is filters. Or using camera angles to hide their size.

So when they arrange a date, the woman they meet isn't anything like their photos.

Yeah, I know you are supposed to present the best version of yourself on OLD , and women do this better than men, but I think some women might show a slightly unrealistic version of themselves , so I (personally) think honest pics are the best

Thanks so much for the kind words,

Maybe my profile is crap I'm not a travel junkie so I don't have pictures of me skiing or scuba diving! But at least I'm not flashing my 6 pack or holding a fish!

It's funny I see the same women who were on match and tinder too.

Some profiles are just bizarre one woman just had pictures of ambulances as her photos!

Another loads of pictures of babies, I actually reported that as it just made every alarm bell in my head go off

I'm glad for the women and men having some success. Fingers crossed it will work out for you all.

it's actually strangely comforting to hear women are also having similar experiences.

I think a lot of men falsely assume women hold all the cards with OLD

I know a guy from my arts club who was on Hinge for 3 year's before he met his partner.

He's in his 30's, a damn good looking former NBA professional basketball player from San Francisco and works for Facebook, or is it Meta.

I'm starting to doubt if I stand any chance at all!

I've never been lucky in love, the three women who I really loved all left me for some else.

I walked in on my first girlfriend having sex with my best friend, it damaged me so much I was single for most of my 20's

But recently it's like all these familiar feelings of loneliness, and low self esteem have emerged.

A lot of it has to do with the my last relationship

I overheard my other half on the phone having an affair with a colleague.it was pretty obvious that was not a business call from Tokyo. It was even more insulting to think she thought I was so stupid I wouldn't notice her flirty chats in the kitchen and bedroom.
I confronted her, she said I haven't slept with him yet, my 1st response was do you love him her reply was, that's none of your business. I told her she had until the following morning to move out.

I'm worried I'll turn into my mum! She went through a similar experience at my age and never had any relationship again

I suppose I should count myself lucky as I was fortunate enough to be in a relationship for 17 years. It's like the equivalent of 3 marriage's

But that's what worries me, I'm not the needy type. I'm usually the one helping others and being the anchor point. The confident assertive guy. My friends and family kind of admire me for having my shit together. I

I just can't figure out why I'm feeling this way all of a sudden.

I wonder if its the dating app

I think a lot of men falsely assume women hold all the cards with OLD

noones winning at OLD

the men probably face more rejection

the women face probably more overt sexual advances ‘are you 🪒 ‘ was a special second message i got once

both suck

NellyTheCake

when you say ‘desperation ‘ I hope you didn’t really mean that (I say that gently )
what are you seeking ?
i noticed you said you are on fab
how different was it there to say a more normal app ?
anyway sorry your having a shit time of it

make sure to have non OLD weeks and evenings
ita brutal and MH destroying

take a break 💔

Thisisworsethananticpated
Thanks for your concern, I was refering to my year of 28 first dates which was about 4years ago. Possibly, desperation was the wrong word to use.

I was 6mths out of an intense relationship that I thought would last forever. And I'd not long turned 50 and overnight became the invisible woman on OLD. So I decided to meet anyone who seemed normal and vaguely interesting as I was trying to be less fussy about who I dated.

Some dates were dreadful. Some were lovely but not for me. I'm still friends with one of the men I met. I wouldn't recommend it but it got me out of the house and I regained some of my confidence that I'd lost after being dumped.

I'm no longer on Fab. It took me 3 attempts to set up a profile because I found it so intimidating at first. You have to set strict rules for yourself and ignore 99.9% of the messages.
I was looking for a fwb. And met some lovely men who wanted the same. But then covid happened.
I found Fab 'easier' than the normal apps because everyone is open about what they want. No one is pretending they want a relationship when they're really just after a hook-up.

NellyTheCake

good to know
I’m too scared to even Look at fab !
I’ve drafted one for FEELD but also not ready to go live

I literally don’t know what I want right now
actually I want mental peace - hence staying off and lurking here

anyway I hope you ok , after sending all those messages x

NellyTheCake I agree about FAB, I went in their briefly when I wasn’t looking for a relationship, I met a lovely guy and we had a great time as FWB, he still occasionally messages me now (years later). I found it much easier than dating apps as people are more honest. On dating apps most people say they want a relationship when they don’t and have also had guys saying they didn’t want anything serious and then love bombing me.

I still haven’t heard from Mr Cherry, it’s making me a little angry but obviously I don’t want him to know that. He is active on social media and hasn’t blocked me or anything. I really don’t know how to react? I pulled him up on his behaviour and now he’s totally ignoring me. I am worried as I have some of his things here that at some point he will ask for. Luckily I don’t have anything at his. If he had apologised straight away and admitted he was wrong I may have given him a 2nd chance but the longer the silence goes on the angrier I am getting. Luckily I have another busy day today which will stop me thinking about him and stop me from texting him a angry message.

Yes it seems OLD is quite brutal. Men are their own worst enemies. I'd never ask if a woman was shaved! I can't imagine how any man could think that approach would be remotely attractive to any woman is beyond me?

Many of my female friends on dating apps said they were bombarded with similar revolting messages from sleazebags.

My previous partner was 9 year's older than me, I don't mind daring older women. I got my age settings on 40-58!

I think my problems also stem from dyslexia. I'm really crap at texting I probably come across as a bit thick.

Thisisworsethananticpated
I haven't come acros FEELD. I guess it's like Fab?
You have to be in the right place mentally to deal with apps like Fab. And be very assertive about not compromising on what you're looking for.

I'm not doing great today. Still trying to get over my breakup with Mr MindReader and he keeps popping up on all the sites I'm using. I know he'll have lots of interest because he looks great for his age. But I feel sorry for anyone who ends up dating him.

NellyTheCake

nooooo
right now I’d be devastated to see my ex on a a dating site
it would kill me I’m not even joking

can you get him 1000% blocked to avoid this happening ?

If you're on Hinge go to the top right corner there's an X hit that and say I'm not interested in this person and it prevents you from seeing them again.

If you're on Hinge go to the top right corner there's an X hit that and say I'm not interested in this person and it prevents you from seeing them again.

My warped logic goes that if I can see him on there then I know he hasn't found someone else.

Discontinued

fortunately I met him on hinge so unmatched him when I froze profile

but Feeld and tinder ? Risky

anyway it’s spurious as not going online for a while , by which time I’ll hopefully care less !

NellyTheCake

what happened with mind and then did you split ?

@Thisisworsethananticpated on Tinder you can add phone numbers on a block list so their profile won't show up

I stupidly searched for STBXH on a dating site using his location. He didn't come up but I think if he had I would have been floored. I don't know why I do it to myself 😞

I don't think any of us are in a position to comment tbh.

We all like very different things. And thank god for it.

Thisisworsethananticpated
Mr MindReader dumped me at the end of last year. We'd been together 18months. Planned to moved in together etc etc.

He said he felt I was excluding him from my life. My mum had been seriously ill in hospital for 6mths. Nearly died twice. My stress levels were through the roof.
He was supportive, said he understood what I was going through.

Then just before Christmas he ended it because I was spending Christmas with my mum and not him. He said he'd been feeling left out of my life for months.

I can understand how he felt. I was a nightmare to deal with. But, I knew he wasn't happy and I asked him multiple times to talk to me about it. Each time he shut down the conversation and said he was fine. I was just stressed, overthinking, tired...

When I asked why he hadn't talked to me about how he felt, he said I should've known and should've changed my behaviour to make him feel more included. Hence his name, Mr MindReader

As someone else has said, we like different things, but I will say maybe swap your second photo if it's on your dating profile. The room looks dingy and no one can see your face.

You also mentioned covid hero. If I saw this on app, I would swipe left.
Good luck with the search! The right person will come along..

Thanks for the tip, very kind. I had to Google swipe left. I'm such a novice at OLD. I changed a couple of things based on your advice!
Always happy to return the favour if anyone needs any tips.

All the best Eddie

NellyTheCake

I remember now
this is a really tough one to get over I imagine as you were together so long and ended for such life related reasons (as opposed to cheating , or other such issues )

and you had plans 😞

that said , he ended it
I assume you tried to discuss
and he made his decision
still sounds rather sad , can see why your upset

mine ended early jan but I’m taking a break

he wasn’t bad but in hindsight I didn’t assert boundaries early enough
I want some time out to reflect so next time
I address early or walk early
I’m properly ❤️‍🩹💔 and lost a year to this

Discontinued

gently you are sharing a lot of personal information
be cautious ! Mumsnet is read a lot and used by papers

we all tread with varying degrees of caution ⛔️