Page 11 | Dating Thread 238 - Sex, Beer and Sausage Rolls (for the lucky ones!)

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss · 2023-01-20T09:57:36+00:00

Hi All welcome to a shiny new thread as we proceed into 2023 with support for those riding the rollercoasters of the world of dating. The Rules: 1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating. 2. Develop a thick skin. 3. Do not invest emotionally too soon. 4. It's all BS until it actually happens. 5. Trust your gut instinct. 6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault. 7. Know your worth. 8. If it's not fun, stop. 9. Loo update is mandatory. 10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy. Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Mila14 · 31/01/2023 19:11

OLDstolemybrain · 31/01/2023 17:19

Sorry to just jump in, I need to catch up with the thread but…..How do people cope with self sabotage and low self esteem in a relationship?

MrF and I have been together about 3.5 months now and things are going very well. We’ve dropped the L word to each other and he honestly makes me feel like I am the most amazing woman he’s met. He’s very clear about how he feels, communicates all of the time. The man is a walking green flag.

However I can’t stop that feeling of wanting to run away, he must be bullshitting me, I can’t be better than his ex’s etc etc and I run the risk of ruining it. I haven’t said any of this to him but I can feel anxiety running through me. We went away for the weekend and had such a lovely time but I struggled to sleep because I just kept thinking about how much it will hurt when it ends

Any advice please?? My ex was very emotionally abusive, everything was my fault and my self confidence was on the floor by the end of our relationship. It’s like I can’t escape him ☹️

Totally understandable and we all relate to you. I can only say one thing…in my experience of feeling crazy in love with MrEx when I met him and feeling super insecure and anxious a long time… the answer is TIME… the more time you are together the more stable you will feel. Don’t worry. It’s completely normal

Mila14 · 31/01/2023 19:15

Lovemusic33 · 31/01/2023 19:00

I think I maybe back on the dating shelf again soon, though I won’t be in a hurry to date again.

Things with Mr Cherry took a turn for the worst yesterday but small red flags had been popping up for a few weeks. At first I just thought they were small quirks but it’s become more obvious that he’s not the person I wanted him to be. He seems to fall out with people easily due to his strong opinions, he doesn’t have many friends, occasionally he mentions that he would like more friends but he also mentions people he fell out with because they said something or did something he doesn’t agree with. I have witnessed him have several meltdowns in the last 2 weeks, he had a few stressful things to deal with (just mundane things) and he didn’t deal with them well at all. Then yesterday he had a meltdown about me talking to friends, he said he didn’t like the sound of my friend and he would prefer it if I didn’t speak the them (he has never met any of my friends). I was taken a back. I drove home raging and then messaged him telling him his behaviour and his paranoia are not acceptable and he had no right to tell me who I can and can’t be friends with. I haven’t really heard from him since 😬. He sounds narcissistic doesn’t he?

Oh dear…I don’t like the sound of that at all…😳

OLDstolemybrain · 31/01/2023 20:19

Mila14 · 31/01/2023 19:11

Totally understandable and we all relate to you. I can only say one thing…in my experience of feeling crazy in love with MrEx when I met him and feeling super insecure and anxious a long time… the answer is TIME… the more time you are together the more stable you will feel. Don’t worry. It’s completely normal

Show quote history

Thank you so much. You always give such good advice.

I’m very conscious of not tarring MrF with the same brush because he’s shown me nothing but love. Trying to live more in the present too 😊

OLDstolemybrain · 31/01/2023 20:21

Definitelycross · 31/01/2023 16:02

He said he is separated but I actually don't think he is. I just get that feeling. When I asked him about it he got very defensive by text and told me I was out of order asking and basically goodbye.

He also did something that my STBXH used to do to put me in my box. Massive red flag.

But because I'd felt a really strong physical attraction I went back to him.

But this morning I woke up, the dopamine hit was gone, I could see clearly so I said I wasn't for him.

I'm only going on my intuition tbh. But he let me go really easily when I contacted him. I think sex was the priority and tbh it was for me last night. I hadn't felt that way in a very long time - it was very heady.

But I'm not prepared to be anyone's other woman.

Show quote history

Well done for knowing your worth!

OLDstolemybrain · 31/01/2023 20:23

Lovemusic33 · 31/01/2023 19:00

I think I maybe back on the dating shelf again soon, though I won’t be in a hurry to date again.

Things with Mr Cherry took a turn for the worst yesterday but small red flags had been popping up for a few weeks. At first I just thought they were small quirks but it’s become more obvious that he’s not the person I wanted him to be. He seems to fall out with people easily due to his strong opinions, he doesn’t have many friends, occasionally he mentions that he would like more friends but he also mentions people he fell out with because they said something or did something he doesn’t agree with. I have witnessed him have several meltdowns in the last 2 weeks, he had a few stressful things to deal with (just mundane things) and he didn’t deal with them well at all. Then yesterday he had a meltdown about me talking to friends, he said he didn’t like the sound of my friend and he would prefer it if I didn’t speak the them (he has never met any of my friends). I was taken a back. I drove home raging and then messaged him telling him his behaviour and his paranoia are not acceptable and he had no right to tell me who I can and can’t be friends with. I haven’t really heard from him since 😬. He sounds narcissistic doesn’t he?

Oh dear this doesn’t sound good but kudos to you for not standing for him telling you who you can be friends with!

Mollymolloy · 31/01/2023 20:28

Be kind to yourself @OLDstolemybrain. Your feelings are understandable but, try take each day as it comes. It sounds as if it is all going really well for you…

Definitelycross · 31/01/2023 20:56

Thisisworsethananticpated · 31/01/2023 18:01

Definitelycross

given that you fancied him I’m spectacularly impressed with your boundaries of steel !

and it’s good you fancied someone and had that spark

Trust me I was sooo tempted as it was great. But I won't be anyone's other woman.

Definitelycross · 31/01/2023 21:00

OLDstolemybrain · 31/01/2023 17:19

Sorry to just jump in, I need to catch up with the thread but…..How do people cope with self sabotage and low self esteem in a relationship?

MrF and I have been together about 3.5 months now and things are going very well. We’ve dropped the L word to each other and he honestly makes me feel like I am the most amazing woman he’s met. He’s very clear about how he feels, communicates all of the time. The man is a walking green flag.

However I can’t stop that feeling of wanting to run away, he must be bullshitting me, I can’t be better than his ex’s etc etc and I run the risk of ruining it. I haven’t said any of this to him but I can feel anxiety running through me. We went away for the weekend and had such a lovely time but I struggled to sleep because I just kept thinking about how much it will hurt when it ends

Any advice please?? My ex was very emotionally abusive, everything was my fault and my self confidence was on the floor by the end of our relationship. It’s like I can’t escape him ☹️

Oh my love 🤗🤗

I totally understand where you're coming from. But you are very much worth it all and more 🤗🤗🤗

I am a huge overthinker, especially when things seem to be going well.

I wish I knew how to help

Thisisworsethananticpated · 31/01/2023 21:54

Definitelycross

you see if I really fancied them I’d probably shag them
as I have a warped sense of logic
so impressed !

Thisisworsethananticpated · 31/01/2023 21:56

Lovemusic33

oh dear . I’m sorry it’s turned to shit somewhat

how are you feeling abiut it ?

Thisisworsethananticpated · 31/01/2023 21:58

OLDstolemybrain

i wish I had some advice too
maybe you need to remind yourself that you will survive whatever happens and that you are a prize
it’s annoying how our brains 🧠 do this

Undecidedandtorn · 31/01/2023 22:05

@OLDstolemybrain - I can be a bit like you. I found reading up on attachment styles useful www.attachmentproject.com/blog/four-attachment-styles/ - might be worth a shot.

Definitelycross · 31/01/2023 22:10

Thisisworsethananticpated · 31/01/2023 21:54

Definitelycross

you see if I really fancied them I’d probably shag them
as I have a warped sense of logic
so impressed !

Believe me I was so close. But I did something I now do before all first dates. Or rather don't do. I don't shave my legs.

That way I know I won't want to get down and dirty as I'm not quite bed-ready.

Does that make sense? Or am I weird?

NoDatingForOldMen · 31/01/2023 22:36

Or rather don't do. I don't shave my legs.

me neither 🤷🏼 (would that make me weird? )

Thisisworsethananticpated · 31/01/2023 22:55

Definitelycross

smart 😂

Definitelycross · 31/01/2023 23:33

NoDatingForOldMen · 31/01/2023 22:36

Or rather don't do. I don't shave my legs.

me neither 🤷🏼 (would that make me weird? )

😂😂

NoDatingForOldMen · 31/01/2023 23:49

When I was younger I used to indulge in a bit of Just For Men as I went prematurely grey.

I’ve been thinking about getting the beard one as that’s almost grey as well

Definitelycross · 01/02/2023 01:08

NoDatingForOldMen · 31/01/2023 23:49

When I was younger I used to indulge in a bit of Just For Men as I went prematurely grey.

I’ve been thinking about getting the beard one as that’s almost grey as well

Well my marriage breakdown had one wonderful benefit. My hair is now a lovely grey all over.

It's fabulous and looks like it's been done on purpose. Saves me a fortune on colouring it too.

@NoDatingForOldMen I would embrace the grey. I have a very soft spot for silver, bearded men. Exactly like the one I'm meeting tomorrow.

Well, obviously, do what makes you happiest.

Lovemusic33 · 01/02/2023 07:46

Thisisworsethananticpated · 31/01/2023 21:56

Lovemusic33

oh dear . I’m sorry it’s turned to shit somewhat

how are you feeling abiut it ?

I am feeling angry, he’s not even attempted to say sorry and is just ignoring me. He has stuff at my house and we had been doing some work together so he can’t just ignore me forever. He’s obviously sulking that I have pulled him up on his shitty behaviour and is probably hoping I will just message him like nothing has happened? Other than him doing this and the falling out with people easily he has been ok, we had been taking things slow (mainly my choice) and just seeing each other once or twice a week, he seems caring and kind, just a few odd quirks.
I shall keep busy today and take my anger out on digging the allotment (something we were supposed to be doing together). I am just angry how someone can change so quickly and start telling me who I can and can’t talk too. Most of my friends are male (my best friend is a male) and he doesn’t like this, which is odd as he has a couple female friends.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 01/02/2023 07:52

Lovemusic33

one of you js going to have to break the silence
maybe take some time and exercise at the allotment

such a pain this is

Lovemusic33 · 01/02/2023 07:59

Thisisworsethananticpated · 01/02/2023 07:52

Lovemusic33

one of you js going to have to break the silence
maybe take some time and exercise at the allotment

such a pain this is

I sent the last message, he has ignored it. He claimed that he didn’t tell me who I could be friends with so I quoted him with exactly what he said to me “I don’t think you should talk to xxxx anymore” and that he said “I can’t trust you”. He has not replied. I can’t really say anything else if he won’t admit to what he said? I kind of thought he would just as it what he said, apologise and say “it wasn’t expectable” but he’s said nothing. It’s been 24 hours since I sent the message.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 01/02/2023 08:10

Then leave him to stew a bit
he will come out of his miserable cave at some stage x

which I know leaves you in a place of uncertainty

Lovemusic33 · 01/02/2023 08:24

Thisisworsethananticpated · 01/02/2023 08:10

Then leave him to stew a bit
he will come out of his miserable cave at some stage x

which I know leaves you in a place of uncertainty

That’s all I can do. I shall keep busy and try not to think about him. Luckily I have plenty to do.

Definitelycross · 01/02/2023 08:33

@Lovemusic33 well done. There's nothing people like that hate more than you using their very words to back up your argument.

I am really sorry you're going through this but I think if someone is putting on a pretence they can't keep it up forever.

My STBXH began unravelling when I directly quoted his messages, emails etc. especially if I'd remain calm when I did it.

Sadly their behaviour towards others is very often a glimpse of the real person.

But yep it's horrible 🤗

Definitelycross · 01/02/2023 08:39

Well I have first date #8 today. Is that some sort of record??

Anyway, he is older than me and, on paper, just what I'm looking for.

I won't say too much else but will update after.

Oh and I have TWO men messaging on POF that are just answering my questions in my messages- nothing more. No, how about you? It makes me irrationally angry tbh. Pure laziness. I've just replied to one with one word.

Why go on there? These are guys I've specifically chosen because they say they want a relationship.

Aaaarrrrggghhh (apologies @NoDatingForOldMen) but men! 🙄🙄🙄