Getting the “ick” over money

[OreganoOregano]

Named changed as I’ve spoken to a couple of friends about this.

DP and I have been together around 8 months - were friends for around a year prior to being in a relationship. We met through work and clicked immediately. I had left exH 6 months prior to meeting him. I have a DD who is 3.5. ExH was financially abusive and contributes a minimal amount to her life.

I didn’t initially fancy DP - not my type on paper at all and genuinely saw us as friends but the more I got to know him, the more I found attractive. My main concern before getting together, which we discussed at length before anything happened, was money and finances. I am 10 years into my career, am senior management and a high earner. He retrained to move into his role and took a pay cut. He has the potential to be where I am in around 3-5 years. I told him that for us to realistically work long term, he needs to be earning more.

He is currently earning c£25k. I earn around 4 times that.

We both work in a commission based environment and he has the opportunity to earn good money fairly quickly but you do need to put in hours/graft to be successful.

Initially he was spurred on by me and was working harder to earn money and be successful however, the further into our relationship we get, he isn’t, IMO, doing what is necessary to be successful in this industry.

He has minimal disposal income and I’m naturally picking up the tab for 99% of things including paying for a holiday, paying for all meals out, he will always stay at mine. I’ve even paid for lunches out with his parents however noticing that his work ethic is dying off, I’m beginning to get the ick.

He is genuinely the loveliest, kindest person, is fantastic with my daughter, all my friends and family love him and I genuinely cannot rate him highly enough however I’ve worked really hard to come back from financial ruin after my ex and I need things to be 50:50 or at least on track to be.

We’ve had a conversation about this and he is in agreement with me/has vowed to do more and in his defence, is, but I cannot help feeling less attracted to him because of this.

What would you do in this situation? Head is saying end things. Heart is begging me to give him a chance.

I really do think you are having to justify yourself needlessly here btw, your perspective is completely justified. Ive read your later updates and he sounds like he wants the good life but isn't actually going to work for it, I really don't see how it has a future. You've already lost your dds father as a team and contributer, don't add another man in the mix that is useless! You will definitely resent him

I'd be testing him on this by saying something like "great, let me know how much' and see how he responds

I get it. I used to date someone who was totally unmotivated. Hated his job but wouldn't do anything about it (like look for another one), had no desire to learn to drive (I offered many times to help teach him/use my car), and even took his washing to his mums every week.

Was a super bloke otherwise, fun to be around etc. But the lack of drive was so unattractive.

Sounds you two arent really compatible. Date someone who is more on par with you financially.

PLEEEEEASE respond with "that's such a lovely offer, thanks I'd love you to get us a Chinese. Order me x." And make zero effort to pay.

Oh and lusting after expensive watches he can’t afford was a hint for you to buy him one!

i initially wasn’t sure if you were a bit of a workaholic and he was just average but your updates make it clear he’s a freeloader and sounds a bit lazy too. So cheeky to actually suggest restaurants and then expect you to pay!

does he ever do non money based things for you like cooking etc?

I dated a guy for 4 months who ended up coming to my house, eating my food and drinking my wine all weekend apart from a couple of his beers he had brought. He then took the remaining 2 beers with him when he went home! And he was living rent free with parents. Then one weekend he put a “order” in for what he’d like me to cook (he had seen some meat in my freezer) and then when we were eating it complained that the bread was a bit overdone 🤦🏻‍♀️. I said “I think the phrase you’re looking for is thank you for this lovely meal…”. He did look a bit sheepish. That was the last straw for me.

Anyway, I totally get where you’re coming from - you should definitely set him free at this point, he’s not for you.

I think it's pretty clear you are not compatible.

Why does he have to earn
more? Because you were in an abusive relationship re money? Many many people have this where one is the higher earner etc and they get ways around it.
i met my husband and we got a house fairy quickly because I had the deposit and he didn’t the house was in my name.
he still contributed of course but earnt less.

poor bloke maybe he’s happy earning what he earns.

You have the ick because he is a freeloader. A single lunch in eight months, Christmas presents that are so thoughtless they are insulting, just no.
Also, I spent years living of 22k a year in a house share in a very expensive town in the south and I still managed to treat my boyfriends. He will be trying to move in with soon-I bet the house share falls through.

He’s another financial abuser isn’t he? Just more subtle about it.

I understand. I was going to say you sound shallow because I've always worked hard and don't mind that DH earns less than me. But to sit there and let you pay for everything this early in the relationship is a red flag.

I spent 3 years with a man who never took me for a meal and bought me a teapot for my 30th birthday. I wish I'd got the ick 8 months in and left.

You just seem to have different values and expectations. If you need your man to have a strong work ethic and high salary, look for one that matches that expectation. You just seem to be from different worlds to me.

Please DON'T say this. He'll take it as you saying you'll pay him back. And if he starts hinting that you should then you need to tell him you thought this was on him. And see how he responds.

I get where you are coming from OP, it sounds like he wants an luxury lifestyle on someone else's dime.

Some people are fine earning a lower wage, nothing wrong with that at all, but they can't expect someone else to fund them while they coast it, unless this is agreed by both people.

Obviously, this is different in long term relationships. Finances change, stay at home parents etc.

But this is a new relationship. I would have the major ick.

And even happier sponging off the OP by the sounds of things.

Yeah it's not his wage, most people earn that wage....if you restrict your dating pool to £100k earners like yourself, you maybe single for a very long time. In the sexiest world we live some high earning men prefer significantly younger, child free women, thinking of the 'Andrew Tate' and Donald Trump types. Obviously not all high earning men are like this.

Its more his freeloading attitude, and lack of very strong work ethic.

It's the fact that he doesn't suggest cheap/free activities to do together that he could afford to go 50/50 on, and suggest you go on expensive activities with your high earning friends instead.

Or the fact he isn't doing training courses/extra job to increase his income, not because your instruction btw, but because you said he himself has expressed he wants the expensive watches and holidays and he said he wants to earn more himself to afford that lifestyle.

Instruction to earn more should never come from a partner, unless you're on the breadline, choosing between heating or eating in your household.

At least he has made it clear what you're really looking for, dump him gently, and find someone with the ambition, drive, work ethic, earning power and lifestyle that you want. Just remember though, it's rare to find someone perfect. The ambitions high earner might not have much time to spend with you, as they're too busy working, and too exhausted by the time they get home to you, they also might have more expectations from you in terms of appearance, youthful looks, slim weight, etc. Also, the high earner will put their career and earning power before you and your daughter every time; it's what got them this far. This is a massive generalisation, but it's what I see often.

No one is perfect, but in future be clear on what you're willing or not willing to compromise on.

You can be sure it's the cocklodger who fancies the Chinese, he's not thinking of the OP. Please do not offer to pay for it.

I can definitely relate to this. Kindest guy ever, emotionally supportive and great in bed BUT - would happily let me pay for everything. I had to constantly ask him to contribute to groceries etc as he would stay at mine because I have a child and he lives at his parents. I tried for two years with no luck - it's just him and he doesn't have the same work ethic. I've finally ended it and while it's sad as he has a good heart, he finances we're getting me down and causes arguments and I just don't respect him anymore.

Now I'm not settling for anything less! Im a single mum so shouldn't have to subsidise a grown man who is already being subsidised by his parents!

Ditch him - he likely won't change! Put that money and emotional energy into yourself and your child.

Fair point.

"shall I grab a Chinese this evening? It sounds like you've had a tough day"

i.e. "I fancy a Chinese tonight. You order and pay for it, and I'll pick it up on my way over for a feed and a shag".

Ick.

FFS it's not an assumption.
You obviously still haven't bothered to fact-check by RTFT, because OP has SAID SO HERSELF.

Some of the reductive posts about high earners on this thread are ridiculous. You clearly don't know any very well.

It sounds like he’d like to be ambitious but it’s too hard work. He’s seen you as an example of what success looks like and has now realised how bloody hard it is to achieve! You can still be a nice person and a bit of a piss taker - which he is doing. He’s doing the bare minimum but getting maximum benefit from your efforts. His mismatch in ambition will kill anything ‘nice’ he may do for you in the future. He’s a grown man and you do not need to tell him to pay for things. He managed that perfectly well before being in a relationship with you. I know this because I lived it! Take more time. ‘Anything better’ than what you had previously is not a great measure of a good relationship.