Getting the “ick” over money

[OreganoOregano]

Named changed as I’ve spoken to a couple of friends about this.

DP and I have been together around 8 months - were friends for around a year prior to being in a relationship. We met through work and clicked immediately. I had left exH 6 months prior to meeting him. I have a DD who is 3.5. ExH was financially abusive and contributes a minimal amount to her life.

I didn’t initially fancy DP - not my type on paper at all and genuinely saw us as friends but the more I got to know him, the more I found attractive. My main concern before getting together, which we discussed at length before anything happened, was money and finances. I am 10 years into my career, am senior management and a high earner. He retrained to move into his role and took a pay cut. He has the potential to be where I am in around 3-5 years. I told him that for us to realistically work long term, he needs to be earning more.

He is currently earning c£25k. I earn around 4 times that.

We both work in a commission based environment and he has the opportunity to earn good money fairly quickly but you do need to put in hours/graft to be successful.

Initially he was spurred on by me and was working harder to earn money and be successful however, the further into our relationship we get, he isn’t, IMO, doing what is necessary to be successful in this industry.

He has minimal disposal income and I’m naturally picking up the tab for 99% of things including paying for a holiday, paying for all meals out, he will always stay at mine. I’ve even paid for lunches out with his parents however noticing that his work ethic is dying off, I’m beginning to get the ick.

He is genuinely the loveliest, kindest person, is fantastic with my daughter, all my friends and family love him and I genuinely cannot rate him highly enough however I’ve worked really hard to come back from financial ruin after my ex and I need things to be 50:50 or at least on track to be.

We’ve had a conversation about this and he is in agreement with me/has vowed to do more and in his defence, is, but I cannot help feeling less attracted to him because of this.

What would you do in this situation? Head is saying end things. Heart is begging me to give him a chance.

I’d be concerned that he doesn’t offer to buy food for cooking/milk/supplies etc. if it was me I wouldn’t be suggested expensive places to eat unless I was going to at least split the bill.
I earn peanuts compared to my oh but I still treat him to lunch or tea if we’re out. I don’t expect him to pay for everything.
Id be worried too that he is enjoying the lifestyle you are providing,
You don’t sound materialistic at all to me you sound sensible.

He is the rebound guy. You’ve had fun together and being with him has helped you to see what is important to you in a relationship. Being fair in finances (however that may divided) is important as is someone who is passionate about work and is realistic about the lifestyle their financial situation can provide.

good luck with it. If you do finish with him. Don’t feel bad, he’s just not the one for you xxx

Let's take current finances out of the equation for a moment...is he still the man you see your and your DC with for the long game?

Incomes can change almost in an instant (I went from earning significantly higher than DH, was then made redundant, he became higher, indeed only, earner) ...

We spent a few days between Christmas and new Year together and we spent new year together (at mine, after my daughter had gone to bed).

I feel like such a mug. I got him a coat that he's been wanting for ages. £150. Plus a few little sentimental bits.

He bought my daughter a sweet present, which I cannot imagine would've cost more than £10, but was a really kind, thoughtful present and I really appreciated that.

I got him a coat that he's been wanting for ages. £150.

bloody hell he’s no shame at all

@Fullsomefrenchie again, this is it. I've worked hard enough in my career that I have full flexibility and am able to do all pick up and drop offs and can afford a cleaner. If she's ill, they trust me to have her at home and make up bits where I can. I genuinely do not need "help" in any domestic aspect.

Ooh. No thank you. Put him in the bin

Genuinely, I thought I did until recently but the money situation has massively thrown me. He makes all the right noises but it's becoming apparent that his actions just don't match.

@Beck2023 no offer for food. We spent a few days at mine between Christmas and New Year and we did an online shop - cheeses, nice meats, a few nice bottles of wine and he did not offer a penny.

No matter his pluses, I don't think there is anyway back from the ick.

He will suggest places to eat/do and then look awkward when the bill comes

enough said

I do appreciate how my posts may come across but I promise I'm not materialistic in the slightest. I'm incredibly ambitious, I work bloody hard (as I appreciate those in other professions to do!) and genuinely want the best possible life for my daughter and I.

Oh god no, bin.

He’s not going to be able to financially match you in affording the lifestyle you both want. Instead, you’ll spend your life footing the bill whilst he looks at you expectantly.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting a lifestyle that costs money when you can afford it. There is something wrong with what he’s doing though, wanting the lifestyle when he can’t afford it, and wanting you to pay for it.

I didn’t date men that couldn’t match me financially. Even if it doesn’t seem like something that should matter when you’re into someone, it can breed resentment for both parties long term. Yes there may be great men on a lower wage, but there are also great men on a higher one capable of paying their own way.

I think your past and your hang ups are giving him a hard time. He’s earning a pretty average salary while you are not. It all boils down to values. If your main value is money, then split but if it’s kindness, quality of relationships then stay together. As long as he’s pulling his weight in other ways and not a cocklodger it would be fine. People bring different quality’s to partnerships.

can you imagine dating a man on 400k who was in two minds about commitment solely due to your lesser 100k income?

This has nothing at all to do with earning potential. He’s tight. Extremely. Also a cock lodger.

I think if you should reframe things for a while, cut back the spending and see how he and you react. If you feel.bored of him in that situation, or he doesn't make an effort, you have your answer. If he does and clearly you both want to be together regardless of spending, maybe talk through him doing more at home to balance out and make sure you are a genuine team.
Alternatively if you enjoy being with him I would keep it at arms length, don't become financially entwined, date him/ see him but don't have a child with him. You could probably enjoy the relationship if the financial pressure isn't there at all

I kid you not he's just text me saying "shall I grab a Chinese this evening? It sounds like you've had a tough day"

Jesus Christ OP. I can't believe he let you pay out for all the Christmas food shop and accept a £150 coat in return for giving you slippers that are four sizes too big. And here we are in the middle of January and you're only just thinking about dumping him now?!

He is shameless. Did he not even have the decency to be embarrassed when he saw your gift and then his gift to you was so obviously shit?

There’s nothing wrong with wanting a lifestyle that more money gives you access to. It also doesn’t mean it’s the only thing you care about. It’s not either/or where you either have to choose money or a fulfilling life/relationship, even though some try to pretend that it is

Op
stop trying to justify yourself
you are quite right ,
I have read the full thread
you have gained an extra child to feed and clothe .

i wouldn’t even bother staying friends with him
he is blatantly using you

it's just the financials.

its not just financial though as his priority to earn isn't in line with yours and for a while there he has red to please you by doing as you suggest - don't we all try and please at the begging of a relationship in some way. Now though a few months in, he is backing off.

Money is your thing, thats fine but its not going to work with this man if it annoys you that money and doing well finically isn't his thing.

Your dd is young and of course she is going to be your priority, it just sound like you two are not compatible as you want and strive for different things in life

I couldn't see where you were coming from from your OP at all, but when you explain it all it really doesn't sound good!

I think the key thing here is it doesn't sound like he's making up for his lack of ability to contribute financially by doing other things.

I earn pretty well but if I were in a relationship with a financially mismatched partner I might do things like:

• make sure my presents were really carefully chosen if inexpensive (like he did for your daughter)
• offer to bring food over and cook a lovely dinner
• plan romantic but inexpensive dates - a walk an a picnic in the summer with a bottle of wine and a beautiful location say
• I like baking and crafting so I might make homemade gifts - that's not everyone's cup of tea but it is mine
• make sure I suggest things I can affod to treat someone for - like a takeaway, or making sure I at least get the bill when we go out for lunch instead of dinner or whatever

I actually earn pretty well but don't have a mega extravagant lifestyle but I'd still want someone to be putting the effort in so it was clear they might not be able to contribute as much in money terms but that they appreciated my contribution, and contributed in different ways.

8 months, I honestly think you need to be wary, I'm probably way off base, but he sounds like he is playing a waiting game.

I would hope and assume he's paying??

He’s not going to want his meal ticket to end
so be careful he doesn’t get wind of u wanting to end it
as he may get in first and ask u to marry him

This alone would have given me the ick. I’m sure this was your eureka moment when all of the little things started to add up in your head.

one lunch
one dinner
slippers that don’t fit
tupperware

versus

staying at yours with food and drinks included
nice jacket
cheese n wine
weekly lunches
regular dinners out
paying for his parents

hmm. He’s not as nice as you think/thought he was. But that’s ok, you’ve only known him for a year and a bit. He’s not for you regardless of salary/earning potential. He has no qualms about sponging off you. Ick ick ick!