Getting the “ick” over money

[OreganoOregano]

Named changed as I’ve spoken to a couple of friends about this.

DP and I have been together around 8 months - were friends for around a year prior to being in a relationship. We met through work and clicked immediately. I had left exH 6 months prior to meeting him. I have a DD who is 3.5. ExH was financially abusive and contributes a minimal amount to her life.

I didn’t initially fancy DP - not my type on paper at all and genuinely saw us as friends but the more I got to know him, the more I found attractive. My main concern before getting together, which we discussed at length before anything happened, was money and finances. I am 10 years into my career, am senior management and a high earner. He retrained to move into his role and took a pay cut. He has the potential to be where I am in around 3-5 years. I told him that for us to realistically work long term, he needs to be earning more.

He is currently earning c£25k. I earn around 4 times that.

We both work in a commission based environment and he has the opportunity to earn good money fairly quickly but you do need to put in hours/graft to be successful.

Initially he was spurred on by me and was working harder to earn money and be successful however, the further into our relationship we get, he isn’t, IMO, doing what is necessary to be successful in this industry.

He has minimal disposal income and I’m naturally picking up the tab for 99% of things including paying for a holiday, paying for all meals out, he will always stay at mine. I’ve even paid for lunches out with his parents however noticing that his work ethic is dying off, I’m beginning to get the ick.

He is genuinely the loveliest, kindest person, is fantastic with my daughter, all my friends and family love him and I genuinely cannot rate him highly enough however I’ve worked really hard to come back from financial ruin after my ex and I need things to be 50:50 or at least on track to be.

We’ve had a conversation about this and he is in agreement with me/has vowed to do more and in his defence, is, but I cannot help feeling less attracted to him because of this.

What would you do in this situation? Head is saying end things. Heart is begging me to give him a chance.

He doesn’t sound very lovely or kind of he bought you slippers 4 sizes to big and Tupperware for Xmas. He sounds pretty clueless and horrible to me.

Even if he only had £10 to spend he could have bought bubble bath/book/candle/cosy sucks or whatever.

tale off your rise tinted specs and get rid. You and your daughter deserve better

I would open a joint account. He puts in 1k. You put in 1.5k. All bills shopping and household stuff comes out of that account. Anything you want for you and your DC can come from your own account and he can use his for things for him. If you go out or do things as a family it comes from the joint account. It doesn't solve your problem long term but means you don't feel being taken for a ride for now. If he isn't on board with this that might be your answer.

Yep.

He’s not kind and lovely at all. He’s a selfish sponger.

As@CiderJolly writes "......I don't think he can be that kind and lovely if he is happy to let a single mum pay for everything."

He will suggest places to eat/do and then look awkward when the bill comes.

No no no no no. That's not ok.
I earn similar to him but would never land a bill on someone. I would be paying for what I could, and if high earning partner wanted to splash out that's their choice, but I wouldn't be putting them in the position of coughing up on a call I made!
Apart from anything else my own self respect wouldn't allow it.
If I was in a steady relationship with a high earner and a conversation has been had like 'i want to enjoy going out without having to stop and think about the cost, so eating out is on me', maybe then .. but I'd be buying nice food and cooking for them on other occasions...

I think he's got a bit comfy and is taking things for granted. Maybe he hasn't done it on purpose, but the relationship is unbalanced because if it and that can't work.
If he can't put the money in he could at least put the effort in... But he's not.

He's very much had his "freedom" and made it clear to me that he wanted a "serious career."

He will sit and lust over watches for sale online... and then be late to work. He will follow top chefs and restaurants on Instagram. He's very much about "that" lifestyle, he just does not have the work ethic to fund it.

I would have the utmost respect for him if he was a teacher or a nurse for example on that salary and he absolutely was devoted to his job. It's the freeloading that is scaring me.

You sound like his line manager not his partner.

He sounds like a nice guy who deserves better than you and your materialistic requirements

Let him go.

when I met my DH I easily earned double what he earned. His is not a high earning career but he does work hard, so its a little different. After children, when I was part time, we earned roughly the same. At one point I stopped working and we lived on his salary. Now we approach retirement, his not great earning job will provide a good pension for us in a few years. The point is, the money situation might change and be manageable over a lifetime.
I wonder if your ick might be more in regard to him not working as hard as you do? Earning different amounts is just what life brings us, but to be happy together couple usually need to have the same level of work ethic. If you can see that he works hard in what he does, then I would say that is good enough. If you think he is not working hard, then the question is why isn't he? It that temporary (under the weather? changes at work?) or long term (just the way he is?).
If it were me I would be more concerned about what kind of man he is than what he earns.

No you can't make that assumption. How do you know that OP has not said to him "What should we do at the weekend?" And he has suggested the kind of thing that he knows she likes. That said, he should be paying for himself, and if he can't afford to, he should be explaining that and suggesting a cost-free activity (if OP likes those).

OP, I'm not sure he was right for you from the start. Doesn't sound like you even fancied him much. You are both at totally different stages in life. You can't automatically assume that he sees you as a meal ticket because it's a very complicated situation. I mentioned that his parents may be wary about their son taking on responsibility and costs for another man's child - maybe him sitting back and letting you pay for a meal out with his parents was his cack-handed way of showing them that you aren't just looking to use HIM. Maybe they are thinking that you are spurring him on to earn more so you can sit back a bit more yourself? Maybe there IS an age gap (sounds like it) and they would prefer him to be with someone who is at the same life stage as him, without any "baggage". Who knows.....

It just doesn't sound like it's right all round really.

Oh dear.

As others say, it's not the fact that he earns £25k it's just that he clearly expects the OP to fund everything and he can't even buy her a nice Christmas present. And DO NOT open a joint bank account with him ... why on earth would the OP want to do that ? .

For your next date, suggest meeting for a coffee .. no meal or drinks .. no going back to your place for sex ... and see what he says?

Ah. That puts a different spin on everything. He DOES sound like a freeloader.

Sounds like a wannabe cocklodger. You are quite rightly judging him on his actions not his words.

Time to throw this one back.

Does he want to earn more or is he satisfied in his lifestyle? Does he expect to do things and for you to pay for them or is he just going along with you?

God, I've got the ick now and I've never even met him.

He's in a house share, says he wants to earn a lot but doing fuck all to achieve that, despite the fact you could help direct him, buys you slippers that are the wrong size and TUPPERWARE??? for Christmas, has only paid for dinner once, lunch once.

And looking awkward when the bill comes? He's looking awkward because he knows that he should be taking it in turns but is sponging off you. Otherwise he'd say, "I can't afford to eat out, I'll bring something round to yours". No, he and his parents (talk about apples and trees here) sit and watch you pay. He watches you pay again and again and again.

Do something for yourself here: when you have a minute, go onto your online banking and add up every time you've paid for the two of you to eat out. Add up the cost, but that isn't the main thing, it's the number of times you've paid that's important. How many lunches? How many dinners? How many takeaways? How many nights away or whatever else there is.

Now think about what you got him for Christmas. Imagine his face if you'd bought him Tupperware and slippers that didn't fit.

This man acts all nice but he's all for himself. He's not thinking of you at all, just himself. When he's all sheepish in the restaurant, that tells you he's thinking of himself.

Latest update is so telling op!!!
Pull. The. Plug.

His earnings aren't the issue... His attitude is!!!

If she was his line manager she would have fired him by now.

This 💯

Yanbu to resent paying for everything.

Yabu to judge him for his 'work ethic'. Not everyone wants to be a high flyer. It doesn't make them less of a person.

That said, if he wants that sort of lifestyle he needs to start contributing and not expecting you to provide handouts.

It's frustrating as I have 10 years industry experience. I can massively help him and I genuinely do try. He talks about the type of house he wants to live in - I cannot stress enough that he is not "satisfied" on £25k and initially the ambition was attractive but he's not putting his money where his mouth is. Literally.

Also - he is not paying for another man's daughter. Far from it?? We obviously do not live together...

Why are you paying for his parents meal, if he cannot afford it then go someplace cheaper as he should pay for that. Do things that do not cost so much and just tell him you cannot keep paying all the time and see how that goes. Have you talked to him about it at all.

This

Your first Christmas together and he buys you slippers that don’t fit and Tupperware!
After everything you have spent on him the last eight months!
He may not earn a lot of money, but if he is in a house share with no dependents, he could have found some money to treat you to something nice. awful.
What did you get him out of interest? And how did you spend Christmas?

You are definitely incompatible.

It’s crap if he’s great in other ways but there are just some things that you can’t compromise on and this is obviously one of them.

I would personally go back to bring friends, stay single for a good year at least and focus on yourself and DD.
Then when you are ready to date, only go for men who are high earners

Agree, men are usually more amenable to it when it means they don’t need to do child care or clean the house. They are less amenable later in life in many cases. Unless it’s the new shiny younger model.

op, once you start getting the ick there is no way back . I earn double what my husband does, but he’s a high earner in his own right and when we first got together he put earned me.

I wouldn’t wish to be with someone I had to pay for and who had a poor work ethic . I didn’t need someone to do my childcare or clean my house, I outsourced and was there for school pick up and drop offs.

I think you need to end it, or accept this is it and you will pay for him forever.

Getting you to pay for lunch with his parents though. Fuck me that apple didn’t fall far from the tree.😱