Getting the “ick” over money

[OreganoOregano]

Named changed as I’ve spoken to a couple of friends about this.

DP and I have been together around 8 months - were friends for around a year prior to being in a relationship. We met through work and clicked immediately. I had left exH 6 months prior to meeting him. I have a DD who is 3.5. ExH was financially abusive and contributes a minimal amount to her life.

I didn’t initially fancy DP - not my type on paper at all and genuinely saw us as friends but the more I got to know him, the more I found attractive. My main concern before getting together, which we discussed at length before anything happened, was money and finances. I am 10 years into my career, am senior management and a high earner. He retrained to move into his role and took a pay cut. He has the potential to be where I am in around 3-5 years. I told him that for us to realistically work long term, he needs to be earning more.

He is currently earning c£25k. I earn around 4 times that.

We both work in a commission based environment and he has the opportunity to earn good money fairly quickly but you do need to put in hours/graft to be successful.

Initially he was spurred on by me and was working harder to earn money and be successful however, the further into our relationship we get, he isn’t, IMO, doing what is necessary to be successful in this industry.

He has minimal disposal income and I’m naturally picking up the tab for 99% of things including paying for a holiday, paying for all meals out, he will always stay at mine. I’ve even paid for lunches out with his parents however noticing that his work ethic is dying off, I’m beginning to get the ick.

He is genuinely the loveliest, kindest person, is fantastic with my daughter, all my friends and family love him and I genuinely cannot rate him highly enough however I’ve worked really hard to come back from financial ruin after my ex and I need things to be 50:50 or at least on track to be.

We’ve had a conversation about this and he is in agreement with me/has vowed to do more and in his defence, is, but I cannot help feeling less attracted to him because of this.

What would you do in this situation? Head is saying end things. Heart is begging me to give him a chance.

After 8 months you should still be in your honeymoon period, if he’s giving you the ick already then it’s a sign.

He sounds grabby and so do his family.

Invest your money in yourself and your daughter on move forward.

I don't mind him earning less but don’t like the take take take attitude. I would explain this to him and state that you feel used and want to go halves or take turns providing the meals from now on. His response will tell you everything you need to know.

He sounds like a freeloader.

No way he can't offer to pay for a meal every now and then on 25K.

And him suggesting an upscale restaurant that he can't himself afford and then run for the toilet is beyond cringey.

I'm actually wondering if this isn't a situation that's 'just happened', but rather if he planned it all along. He might be relatively new at the company, but he could still have had an idea of your salary, perhaps you drive a very nice car or whatever. He may have preyed on you deliberately to set you up as his meal ticket and ATM. (With added shagging rights - bonus.)

Obviously he had to say and do all the right things at the beginning or you'd have binned him off straight away. But once he thought he'd got his feet under the table he stopped pretending and started to live the way he'd always intended to.

He is genuinely the loveliest, kindest person, is fantastic with my daughter, all my friends and family love him
Con merchants are good at showing whatever face they need to to keep their victims onside. But the sense here is that his mask is slipping and you're seeing past it. It's only been eight months. Think how much further it could slip if you don't get rid now.

When I first met my husband he was digging graves. I started earning whilst he went to uni, then once he started working he has got up to twice your salary whilst I’m now earning nothing because of kids and retraining.

Things change don’t they? If he’s got the potential to earn four times what he is then this is a temporary thing. However if it’s all about money quickly and not waiting then I don’t think your heart is in it, so you may as well end things.

Going by your first post, I thought this was a case of someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. However, your subsequent posts clearly indicate he is someone with aspirations towards a certain lifestyle that they can't afford and are seeing you as a meal ticket. His ambition, if it was ever even genuine, has died off with your generosity, taking with it your respect and love for him.

I think time to send him back to his HMO and put the relationship back on a friends footing. You can even say that you feel the comfy lifestyle he's enjoying at no cost to himself is killing his ambition and work ethic and you would hate to be the cause of him not reaching his full potential.

In my younger days I dated people who had tonnes more money than me and I didn't take the piss like this guy.

I agree with previous posters that it's not about the money. It's about his attitude, to your money, to his work, to everything. If you'd led with "too big slippers and Tupperware" the thread would have been pretty unanimous.

The later updates are more revealing than the op, I think your gut is right and if you're struggling to trust it maybe the previous abusive relationship has messed with your perceptions.
Think carefully how to end this one though as you have work connections, you need to be a bit mindful of that.
Really sorry he is talking the p out of your generosity, that's not at all a pleasant feeling. He doesn't deserve you and I don't mean in a financial way!

I would have the ick over this too. He sounds so tight! To suggest going for meals then scampering off when the bill comes yuck.

I had an ex that earned twice my wage but never dipped his hand in his pocket. He was living with his parents while doing his house up miles away. Would come over every night expecting dinner and wine. He drank red, I drank white. Eventually I stopped buying red and said he'd have to bring his own. One night he was rooting around my cupboards looking for some. I reminded him I couldn't afford to keep buying it and he said 'ah not to worry I'll just have some of your white'.

That was the deciding moment for me!

In future relationships I would be very vague about your earnings. Just say you work your butt off and any extra you might have at the end of the month goes into savings for your daughter.

My opinion on this thread also changed with the updates (though I always wonder with that kind of drip-feed... why didn't the OP lead with those issues and what else are they leaving out).

But the answer is the same regardless. It initially seemed to me that the OP was being unreasonable in demanding her partner fit her idea of career/financial progression after only eight months. It's fine to earn less, to progress at your own pace, to be motivated by things other than money. But if you want someone who's ambitious and a financial equal, that's just financial incompatibility.

The updates make him seem like the dick rather than the OP, though I'm not sure why she's letting herself pay for so many things. Letting someone freeload off you is a choice unless they have your actual PIN. However the resolution is the same. You're financially incompatible and this isn't the relationship for you.

OK with your updates this isn't about you at all wanting someone equally well off (tbf your OP sounded more that way). He's a tight, lazy git and a piss taker. Who suggests someone else buying them a takeaway as a favour?! Or scuttles off when the Bill comes at a restaurant of their choosing?! As for Christmas... for your part, you've tolerated this for 8 months but christ, is he a freeloader or what. Get rid. Tell him why.

Wow. He expected you to buy the takeaway and wouldn’t even stand you to one.

although honestly I still can’t get past him and his parents having you pay for lunch.

I would end it now . He doesn’t feel he needs to work harder as he thinks you pay to be with him. What does he need more money for. Your money is his. He’s not a kind decent man.

Yes, if the sexes were reversed, the woman would be called a gold digger. Apparently that’s perfectly acceptable behaviour coming from a man though, to some people here.

I didn't intend to drip feed. I thought my OP was quite clear - apologies if that has not been the case.

I rank thoughtfulness over anything. He did show himself to be thoughtful when we first got together (else I'd have never stuck around this long...) and it's only been the past 3 months where we've spent more time together and he's let me pick up the tab on everything.

If he'd have picked up the ingredients for beans on toast on his way to mine, I'd have genuinely been grateful.

It's a shame as he is very well liked and has a huge friendship circle, with lots of mutual friends, who all rate him highly. I think it's past the stage of having a chat about this.

I'm away with DD and friends this weekend so will perhaps take the weekend to reflect but realistically my decision has been made.

Again, it's very much not about how much he earns. I appreciate I earn well, it's just feeling like he's constantly taking the piss.

Clearly he's not happy with what he earns because he wants to spend her wages.

I’m a female and was the lesser earner.
I don’t spend my DH’s money. I contribute tot he bills, look after the kids and sort all they need. I paid clubs, brought shoes etc and went without a lot of the time so they had what they needed. Don’t get me wrong DH is generous and pays for the bulk of the bills. Bit quite often I was scraping by.
I never suggested posh restaurant’s, we had picnics, walks in the woods, beach day, cheap farm days etc £1 play dates -

So agree he enjoys spending your money, nice to offer a Chinese but won’t pay? He’s still raking in £2K a month! Same as me!!

Typically I pay for a few takeaways (there’s 5/6 of us depends on friends being round) I buy birthday presents, kids petrol and car insurance, tv license, clothes, lunch money, etc -

You are being taken for a ride here and you know it!

PS set up a pension saving scheme for your DD - much better than a savings account!

Have you actually read what she said? And you still believe this? Unbelievable.

Why don't you read what she said? She covered all that and said she wouldn't mind at all.

Catching up this morning and this struck me.

HE didn't get "the ick" after that conversation. He didn't leave, his feelings hurt, ego insulted. He chose to stay, to make some effort and then to stop that effort... and still he stays. His choice.

Oregano obviously fulfils something for him. Companionship and cold hard cash. He can obviously stomach the financial imbalance. It isn't a secret, unspoken between them.

This only really underlines how their relationship will go forward. And if a single mum with one unhelpful male in her life chooses to dump the second one because he cannot, will no,t step up financially, why would anyone find that odd?

...it's just feeling like he's constantly taking the piss.

Once you think that way there is probably no going back. You just need some space now, to try and work out how you want to end it. Gently, stereotypically with a "It's not working for me" or with something more honest about feeling he has been freeloading and, frankly, that' just not attractive. That will depend on just how angry you become whilst considering it.

Whichever way... don't dwell on it. You had some good times, you said he makes you feel safe, valued etc. Take that as a win and move on.

Again, it's very much not about how much he earns. I appreciate I earn well, it's just feeling like he's constantly taking the piss.

Yup, this.

I don't know how you are going to tell him that it's not working for you. However, it will be interesting to see how he reacts. Especially if the subject of money comes up. He might come right out and say, 'well, you're loaded, you can afford it.' He's going to be hard to get rid of. He won't appreciate being ditched from the gravy train.

Especially as he's been taking you for a mug.

The Chinese take away thing. So, did he mean that you phone the take away, make the order, pay for it, then he would, 'grab a takeaway'. Jeez !

Would he have been interested in a relationship with you if you earned the same as him ?

Ultimately, when he realises his free ticket has ended he's going to end up calling you tight fisted etc. He'll have the gall to describe you as being obsessed with money. I wait for him to tell you that you were only really good for one thing and that's you're salary.

I have always out earned dh. When we were dating, he spent his last £100 on a pair of boots he knew I desperately wanted. When I lived alone and he just visited, he would buy bread and milk, and other basics and he bought a series of thoughtful housewarming gifts when i moved in. He never ever sponged.off me. Its about attitude and yes, this guy is a sponger.

Oh, and just remember the word, 'grab' from the other night. OK, in context, but just remember the word 'grab' as far as he's concerned.

He makes you feel safe, valued. Yup, of course he does. He know how to give you what you need to get what he needs i.e. a never ending money supply.

He's canny to the point of creepy.

Do.not.let.him.talk.you.around

The episode of you paying for lunch with his parents leaves me speechless !

Oh, and also, he's testing you. Look back over the eight months. What's the betting the spending, on him not you, has escalated ?

When is he going to ask you to buy him a car so he can get to an important job interview ? Yeah ? And so it will go on and on.

This isn't a man you have a future with.

that feeling in the pit of your stomach is warning you, trust it.

Say you married him, then in 5 years time you got sick and couldn't work but still had a mortgage and bills to pay. Do you really think he would step up and take any job going to keep putting food on the table? That drive, that work ethic is what I always looked for in a man. My DH is a healthcare worker so not a high earner but he would get a low skilled min wage job or 3 in a heartbeat if he had to to keep things going for us.