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Original poster

Getting the “ick” over money

530 replies

OreganoOregano · 19/01/2023 15:58

Named changed as I’ve spoken to a couple of friends about this.

DP and I have been together around 8 months - were friends for around a year prior to being in a relationship. We met through work and clicked immediately. I had left exH 6 months prior to meeting him. I have a DD who is 3.5. ExH was financially abusive and contributes a minimal amount to her life.

I didn’t initially fancy DP - not my type on paper at all and genuinely saw us as friends but the more I got to know him, the more I found attractive. My main concern before getting together, which we discussed at length before anything happened, was money and finances. I am 10 years into my career, am senior management and a high earner. He retrained to move into his role and took a pay cut. He has the potential to be where I am in around 3-5 years. I told him that for us to realistically work long term, he needs to be earning more.

He is currently earning c£25k. I earn around 4 times that.

We both work in a commission based environment and he has the opportunity to earn good money fairly quickly but you do need to put in hours/graft to be successful.

Initially he was spurred on by me and was working harder to earn money and be successful however, the further into our relationship we get, he isn’t, IMO, doing what is necessary to be successful in this industry.

He has minimal disposal income and I’m naturally picking up the tab for 99% of things including paying for a holiday, paying for all meals out, he will always stay at mine. I’ve even paid for lunches out with his parents however noticing that his work ethic is dying off, I’m beginning to get the ick.

He is genuinely the loveliest, kindest person, is fantastic with my daughter, all my friends and family love him and I genuinely cannot rate him highly enough however I’ve worked really hard to come back from financial ruin after my ex and I need things to be 50:50 or at least on track to be.

We’ve had a conversation about this and he is in agreement with me/has vowed to do more and in his defence, is, but I cannot help feeling less attracted to him because of this.

What would you do in this situation? Head is saying end things. Heart is begging me to give him a chance.

OP posts:
tara66 · 19/01/2023 23:16

Re. the slippers - have you thought they were originally bought for himself but then he gave them to you? Do they fit him?

bowlingalleyblues · 19/01/2023 23:19

It sounds like you resent him not being a high earner or you as a high earner having to contribute more to the relationship. Not everyone can be a high earner, it’s fine to want well off and driven - but your partner doesn’t sound like he has the same motivation as you.

I don’t understand why you wouldn’t be able to have a maternity leave…don’t you have maternity benefits as part of your job? And I assume he can’t contribute much because he is paying rent on his own home - he would be paying his way if you were living together as a family wouldn’t he? Those things sound like excuses, he earns enough just not enough for the lifestyle you want to have.

fuggyatmosphere · 19/01/2023 23:22

Yeah,? I’d ditch him as well.

iamjustwinginglife · 19/01/2023 23:29

tara66 · 19/01/2023 23:16

Re. the slippers - have you thought they were originally bought for himself but then he gave them to you? Do they fit him?

I think you're probably right...

StClare101 · 20/01/2023 00:01

I would ditch him. It’s the fact he’s not even attempting to contribute. I’d not be remotely attracted to him.

You are only just divorced. Take your time and set yourself a higher bar.

skeemee · 20/01/2023 00:19

tara66 · 19/01/2023 23:16

Re. the slippers - have you thought they were originally bought for himself but then he gave them to you? Do they fit him?

Yeah. His mum bought them for his Xmas. He realised he hadn’t bought you anything so regifted them along with some Tupperware from the back of his mum’s pantry.

Catnary · 20/01/2023 00:19

This is all further complicated by the fact that you actually work together. You sound like his line manager, setting him objectives, not his girlfriend. You know too much about his job so he can’t bullshit you about how much effort he needs to put in.

This is not a healthy combination. Jobs and personal life should not be so closely linked. Partners need to trust each other to get on with their jobs on their own terms. End it and date someone who does not do the same job as you.

womblesofwimbledon5 · 20/01/2023 00:39

He bought you Tupperware so he could take “leftovers” back to his houseshare to save him buying his own food which costs money! Also he’s hoping you’ll rustle him up delicious packed lunches to put in them too!
Seriously though how does it end up you paying every time, especially when out with his parents- do they just sit there staring at the bill? They have some front to let a single parent pay, just be honest with him and ask why he never pays and that you want to end the relationship

caringcarer · 20/01/2023 01:12

@Lordofthebutterfloofs, who said anything about earning more that OP? It is about attitude to working hard. They are incompatible. OP pushes herself to work hard but partner does minimum.

lamaze1 · 20/01/2023 01:21

Op don't apologise for being a higher earner. I totally get what you mean re lack of ambition. To be frank both of these issues are red herrings. From what you've posted and in light of tonight's texts re the Chinese he is knowingly taking advantage of you. I wouldn't even see him as a friend. Friends wouldn't behave as he is either.

lamaze1 · 20/01/2023 01:21

Spend the money on you and your daughter, not this leech.

StarsSand · 20/01/2023 01:25

I don't understand the takeaway thing. Was he going to pick it up and then have you reimburse him?

If he was planning to 'grab' it, then how would you pay for it logistically? Does he have your credit card?

StarsSand · 20/01/2023 01:26

I can't believe his idea of helping you out was making you pay for his Chinese takeaway.

MidnightMeltdown · 20/01/2023 01:30

As harsh as it sounds, I think you need to get rid. If salary is important to you, then you can't date someone on the chance that they might one day earn more, you have to date them based on what they are now.

I wouldn't date someone who earned significantly less than me either as I want someone who can be my equal, not someone that I have to support financially. Also, someone with ambition and drive.

StarsSand · 20/01/2023 01:36

It's not just salary though is it, it's that is is motivated by money and status- OPs!

If he didn't aspire to the finer things and was happy making spaghetti at home for you because that's what he can afford, that's probably another matter.

But he's frolicking about in his nice coat at trendy restaurants while his single mother girlfriend is picking up the bill. He should be ashamed of himself.

If he wants nice things he should earn them. Not expect his girlfriend to fund him.

Rainbowqueeen · 20/01/2023 01:42

The root of the problem is not money, it’s attitude.

You can be the lower earner but still buy thoughtful personal Christmas presents, take your partner on nice dates that celebrate their interests, pull your weight by offering to cook, clean up etc.

Dont try and change him OP. He knows exactly what he is doing and he doesn’t care. End it. Do the freedom programme and have a happy life. Staying with him will mean you are overthinking everything he does and will grown increasingly bitter.

AutumnCrow · 20/01/2023 01:55

StarsSand · 20/01/2023 01:25

I don't understand the takeaway thing. Was he going to pick it up and then have you reimburse him?

If he was planning to 'grab' it, then how would you pay for it logistically? Does he have your credit card?

Yeah this ^^

I've read all your posts, @OreganoOregano and this is some serious cheeky fucker territory.

emptythelitterbox · 20/01/2023 02:21

Have you dumped this freeloading wanna be cocklodger yet?

This weekend would be the perfect time.

ninjasnap · 20/01/2023 02:34

You are absolutely not in the wrong here. For those saying about gender role reverse etc, I earn a quarter of my husband's salary, and was made redundant during covid and out of work for a year. Worst time of my life, I hated it. But I supported my partner emotionally throughout (he lost a parent, had work stress) so I feel like emotionally I contributed to the relationship. However financially I absolutely did not, and would expect to have been kicked to the curb in a lesser relationship, if that makes sense? I was uncomfortable being that supported by someone, and I'm guessing it's that attitude you are at odds with? That he doesn't care? Every day I didn't work I hated, despite having a partner who happily gave me his bank card to use as I wanted. I used it for essential items only, as I respected him too much to buy make up or slippers as he suggested. Not saying I'm completely right, but maybe it's the mindset you object to? The entitlement?

ninjasnap · 20/01/2023 02:37

Rainbowqueeen · 20/01/2023 01:42

The root of the problem is not money, it’s attitude.

You can be the lower earner but still buy thoughtful personal Christmas presents, take your partner on nice dates that celebrate their interests, pull your weight by offering to cook, clean up etc.

Dont try and change him OP. He knows exactly what he is doing and he doesn’t care. End it. Do the freedom programme and have a happy life. Staying with him will mean you are overthinking everything he does and will grown increasingly bitter.

All of this.

AutumnCrow · 20/01/2023 02:40

How many of the men in these rather fanciful ‘reverse the sexes’ scenarios are the single parent, the primary carer of a young child, with a fairly useless Ex?

pinkpotatoez · 20/01/2023 02:48

I don't think you can expect someone earning 25k to earn 100k as quickly as you want him to, you have to date people with similar positions to you. It won't work if your not prepared to be the sole breadwinner for the foreseeable future

StalkedByASpider · 20/01/2023 03:13

Have to be honest OP, I've done a complete about-turn on my opinion through your updates.

Initially I wondered if it was a case of him trying to match your expectations because some people are just happy to drift along and don't crave promotions, or to rise through the promotions. And there's nothing wrong with that. I thought maybe he'd initially been trying to prove himself to you and now was settling into his more natural frame of mind.

However, your updates have made it clear that it's not the case.

You can get the ick for any reason you want. It doesn't have to be rational.

But I did originally think you were being a bit materialistic because he has a decent job, and brings a lot of other qualities to the relationship. For me, there's a value in other things such as kindness, thoughtfulness, and time - it's not just about pound signs.

There is a very big caveat to all of the above.

If he earns less than you and/or lacks ambition, I'd expect him to still offer to pay occasionally. I'd also expect him to check that you're OK to pay, rather than taking it for granted. I'd expect him to show his appreciation in other ways if he's not able to pull his weight equally financially. Plus, you can still be thoughtful - small gestures don't cost much.

So the example re the Chinese takeaway - you said you couldn't afford it. If he'd replied and said "Ahh bugger, I'm a bit skint too at the moment post-Christmas. I tell you what, let me come and cook for you instead as you've had a shit day and sounds like you need a break xx"

That would have melted my heart because I'm a sucker for kind, thoughtful gestures. But his response was terrible.

Money doesn't matter in the slightest to me, but attitude does. And I would really, really resent being taken for granted. I actually don't blame you at all OP. You've mentioned wanting another child - I wouldn't waste time on something that isn't going to work.

The only slight thing I would say is that in your OP you mentioned that it HAS to be 50:50 - that sounds a bit rigid to me. What if you met a bloke was a high-earner and you couldn't quite match his contribution? You'd feel hard done-by if he binned you because you weren't quite 50:50. I would say you should have the same flexible approach for men. Look for someone who's earning roughly around your bracket but if they have the right attitude, I don't think it necessarily matters if it's not strictly 50:50.

StarsSand · 20/01/2023 04:04

pinkpotatoez · 20/01/2023 02:48

I don't think you can expect someone earning 25k to earn 100k as quickly as you want him to, you have to date people with similar positions to you. It won't work if your not prepared to be the sole breadwinner for the foreseeable future

Someone earning 25k and living in a share house could still say 'let me come over and cook you some pasta since you've had a hard day.' Not offer to spend their money for them on a takeaway.

Someone on 25k could also cut their cloth accordingly, not expect the finer things to be paid for by someone else.

I wouldn't date anyone who expected me to cover the cost of every date. I've been the richer and the poorer person in that scenario, and the romantic and considerate thing to do is for the poorer person to arrange lower cost but still thoughtful days and pay for those.

Relationships require reciprocity.

This guy missed that memo.

HandsOffMyCarrierBags · 20/01/2023 04:32

ninjasnap · 20/01/2023 02:34

You are absolutely not in the wrong here. For those saying about gender role reverse etc, I earn a quarter of my husband's salary, and was made redundant during covid and out of work for a year. Worst time of my life, I hated it. But I supported my partner emotionally throughout (he lost a parent, had work stress) so I feel like emotionally I contributed to the relationship. However financially I absolutely did not, and would expect to have been kicked to the curb in a lesser relationship, if that makes sense? I was uncomfortable being that supported by someone, and I'm guessing it's that attitude you are at odds with? That he doesn't care? Every day I didn't work I hated, despite having a partner who happily gave me his bank card to use as I wanted. I used it for essential items only, as I respected him too much to buy make up or slippers as he suggested. Not saying I'm completely right, but maybe it's the mindset you object to? The entitlement?

He is earning and working full time …