Getting the “ick” over money

[OreganoOregano]

Named changed as I’ve spoken to a couple of friends about this.

DP and I have been together around 8 months - were friends for around a year prior to being in a relationship. We met through work and clicked immediately. I had left exH 6 months prior to meeting him. I have a DD who is 3.5. ExH was financially abusive and contributes a minimal amount to her life.

I didn’t initially fancy DP - not my type on paper at all and genuinely saw us as friends but the more I got to know him, the more I found attractive. My main concern before getting together, which we discussed at length before anything happened, was money and finances. I am 10 years into my career, am senior management and a high earner. He retrained to move into his role and took a pay cut. He has the potential to be where I am in around 3-5 years. I told him that for us to realistically work long term, he needs to be earning more.

He is currently earning c£25k. I earn around 4 times that.

We both work in a commission based environment and he has the opportunity to earn good money fairly quickly but you do need to put in hours/graft to be successful.

Initially he was spurred on by me and was working harder to earn money and be successful however, the further into our relationship we get, he isn’t, IMO, doing what is necessary to be successful in this industry.

He has minimal disposal income and I’m naturally picking up the tab for 99% of things including paying for a holiday, paying for all meals out, he will always stay at mine. I’ve even paid for lunches out with his parents however noticing that his work ethic is dying off, I’m beginning to get the ick.

He is genuinely the loveliest, kindest person, is fantastic with my daughter, all my friends and family love him and I genuinely cannot rate him highly enough however I’ve worked really hard to come back from financial ruin after my ex and I need things to be 50:50 or at least on track to be.

We’ve had a conversation about this and he is in agreement with me/has vowed to do more and in his defence, is, but I cannot help feeling less attracted to him because of this.

What would you do in this situation? Head is saying end things. Heart is begging me to give him a chance.

That's right, OP. You just settle.

OMG he is one of life's takers and now you realise that it will just enrage you every single day. I literally can't believe it about the Chinese, he was going to "grab" it and you were going to pay him back? Or you were going to phone it in and pay? He sounds absolutely awful and has totally abused your generosity. Glad you have seen the light.

Also - he is not paying for another man's daughter. Far from it?? We obviously do not live together...

Not at the moment, but you talk as if moving in together was in your plans for the future.

Sorry, I'm still catching up on the thread from that point, you may have addressed that further along.

Well this is uncomfortable isn’t it

You are a grown up with responsibilities and it shows

He is not in the same life stage as you. I think you are making a mistake calling him DP and treating him like the partner you dream of because he is not that person yet. If you relationship progresses and you marry compatible financial attitudes are important..

Take a step back to dating. On alternate dates work to his budget - even a walk and a coffee or ice cream and stand back when it’s time to pay. See how it goes. Is he still as keen on you and lovely?
Stay at his house share as much as he stays at yours as that is how he is living. See if that is motivating for him (or deciding factor for you).

I wouldn’t get into managing him to be someone he isn’t, therein lies a lot of dissatisfaction.

He is a cocklodger. A “nice" one.
How is he being helpful by helping you to spend your money? Good grief.
You are a hardworking mother that has enough on her plate without a grown man expecting you to fund him. He is giving ME the ick.
If you have a baby with him then you will be funding another person alone on top of that. He will probably stop working altogether.
Just because he's not as abusive as your ex doesn't mean he's partner material.

Actually, I've just read some more of your posts (didn't read the full thread before) - his actions aren't really matching up to your description of him as the "loveliest, kindest man". And not because of his lack of ambition, but because he seems to be consciously and consistently exploiting you as the passport to the lifestyle he wants. Suggesting expensive restaurants and then sneaking off to the toilet when the bill comes is not "lovely, kind" behaviour.

You've already got form for "settling".

You stated he's "not your type" such basically means Mr average. Mr Beta. 0 sexual attraction at all.

Many women do this after 30 when you're past your best, the mental gymnastics to justify settling.. "he's really nice" "he's really good with kids" etc etc.

If there's no burning sexual desire, no butterfly's it will never last. Never. You'll resent him and regret wasting your 30s with a Tom Hanks lookalike.

And I would agree to PP saying stop paying for ANYTHING and see what happens. Tell him the money train has closed.

I see two sides to this situation. Yes, he seems a complete sponger and is taking the piss, I get that.

But on the other hand I'd hate to be in a relationship where I had to constantly prove my "ambition", or improve my "earning potential". I'd feel like I'd have to give a powerpoint presentation to my other half outlining my sales figures for the month. Fuck that, we get enough pressure in work, don't need it in a relationship too!

If he is that much of a freeloader as you say I don't understand how it's gotten to 8 months like this. What was the conversation when you paid for the whole family's lunch? Do you not suggest to him to split the bill whenever you go out or do you just get your card out automatically? You don't seem to be sharing what his explanation is.

It seems like you are harbouring resentment but are not actually expressing to him that he does need to pay for things. He is the loveliest kindest man but the same person also looks at your blankly when the bill comes. This doesn't seem right. The Tupperware is such a odd thing to buy a partner that i feel like there must be some backstory there..

Clearly you are highly ambitious and you want him to also be. Different values and incompatible.

I'm a research psychologist and this is my field 🤷🏼‍♀️ It obviously doesn't apply to everyone, but the majority I'm afraid. It's not something people are conscious of or they would admit even to themselves.

And to the people who are saying that OP is being difficult and judging him just because he isn't a high earner. No.
It's the absolute cheek of EXPECTING her to pay! Suggesting things she can pay for. Buying her slippers that don't fit and then accepting an expensive gift from her.
That's not a partner, that's treating her like a sugar daddy and if you accept that from a “partner" then more fool you.

If your research is based on "it's true whether people 'admit' it or not" either you are fudging, or your parameters are not based on solid data.

I've worked hard enough in my career that I have full flexibility and am able to do all pick up and drop offs and can afford a cleaner. If she's ill, they trust me to have her at home and make up bits where I can

Sorry, OP, I know this is not the point of the thread, but I bet there are women (and indeed men) on here longing to know what industry you're in where you can earn so much but still do pick ups and drop off and work around your ill child. Are you an influencer by any chance? I'm curious because when mine were little, my DH earned nothing like you but it was still a reasonable salary. However he worked damned hard for that, often 70 h+ a week to earn overtime.

My income is about 3x DH and it all goes on the family. But he does a vast amount of things that improve our lives and allow us to live in a beautiful home in large part built by him. So it feels fair. We compliment each other in terms of tasks. Does you arrangement feel fair? It doesn't sound like it.

What the fuck?!!

True colours right there.

Kindly OP, you are a mug and are being completely used here AGAIN.

Get rid of this lazy loser who sees you as his meal ticket.

Unbelievable that he has practically lived off you for 8 months.

Give that head a wobble and dump.

Have you ever spoken openly to him about how much you earn?

If he took a pay cut to get into the role he is in now and only makes ends meet with barely any cash left over, then he probably thinks you can afford to cover meals out etc if you've told him your earnings which are so much above his.

Doesn't make it right, but also if this was other way around and a man a high earner, no one would bat an eyelid at a gf/wife expecting him to cover more than his share...

I personally feel you are obviously highly financially motivated which is fine, but you also seem to expect him to be the same, there is more to life than Money and if he's working and earning and contributing in some way, great with your daughter and seems to make you happy beside money then I think you are judging him on the basis that he earns less than you therefore is inferior and that turns you off. If that's the case, it will never work as you are attracted to status/money that potentially he might never reach.

Absolutely expect him to contribute but to expect him to earn same as you or more and live to your standards is unreasonable. You've basically given him an ultimatum that he must earn more in the next 3-5 years for it to work for you, if he agrees that now then it doesn't work out that way, then what? You'll resent him for it.

Sounds to me like you have some trauma related to your ex and finances that you are trying to prevent happening again in your future relationships which is understandable, but that's your own insecurities around money that you need to address. Reason I say this is not to be mean but because I have been there. Wrecked financially by an ex partner, rebuilt my life and finances and for a long time didn't trust anyone with money and felt the need to control others in my life and their money to ensure it wouldn't happen again. It's impossible.

I can see it both ways.

I am not motivated by work or money. I work enough to give me enough money to do what DOES motivate me outside of work. That doesn't cost that much. I value my free time way more. If I met someone who expected me to earn even £50k, it would be best to end things. If you're only willing to date people who earn at least 100k that rules out a lot of men.

On the other hand, my friend married a man and was always picking up the tab. She thought it was because he was made redundant and once he got a job it would be more equal. It wasn't. He was a sponger and she divorced him. He fought her for everything.

Are you fucking crazy or unable to read? 🤨

OP, stop justifying yourself. You don't see the value in this partner. You don't think he will be the support you need, but will drain you. So move on.

Everyone has their wants and criteria of who is attractive. Most people wouldn't take on a bludger who didn't work, so not sure why everyone is giving you a hard time. I personally think he'd eventually stop work altogether & live off of you.

I kid you not he's just text me saying "shall I grab a Chinese this evening? It sounds like you've had a tough day"

You, quite rightly said you couldn't afford it. That put the kibosh on the takeaway. The way he phrased it made it sound like he was going to pay the for takeaway or is there something I've missed here ?

Anyway, you've made the right decision regarding ending things. He's taking the piss and frankly freeloading off you for a smile.

The speed at which the take away wasn't going to materialise if you weren't paying for it was very telling.

I can't believe he wouldn't offer to shout you a takeaway!!!

OP, if it's otherwise a good relationship, talk to him about money. Say you're not going to continue to fund everything. You expect it to be equal, it's not like you're married! Why are you subsidising him?

If he's apologetic and willing to contribute then I'd give him another chance. I'd make it clear the next few dates will be on him, and then it will be taken in turns.

If not, drop him.

"I appreciate I probably sound shallow but it's not even the amount he's earning, it's the expectation that everything falls to me. He does not offer at all. He will suggest places to eat/do and then look awkward when the bill comes. We live in the south where bills are high and he lives in a house share."

Oof! "He will suggest places to eat/do and then look awkward when the bill comes". No, this one is definitely not a keeper. To never offer, to always want to go to the fancy new place when you suggest Wagamama - no, he's a freeloader. Not attractive at all.

Hey@OreganoOregano - you need to go easier on yourself here. You don’t need to justify or explain yourself to anyone. Please don’t take responsibility for his behaviour - that’s his bag. You’ve been through a lot. I reckon a good investment of your time right now would be focusing on processing what happened with your ex husband. You just don’t deserve the self criticism that you’re levelling at yourself and I suspect this is at least partly a hangover from your previous relationship. Be kind to yourself. You’ve got this! x