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Original poster

Getting the “ick” over money

530 replies

OreganoOregano · 19/01/2023 15:58

Named changed as I’ve spoken to a couple of friends about this.

DP and I have been together around 8 months - were friends for around a year prior to being in a relationship. We met through work and clicked immediately. I had left exH 6 months prior to meeting him. I have a DD who is 3.5. ExH was financially abusive and contributes a minimal amount to her life.

I didn’t initially fancy DP - not my type on paper at all and genuinely saw us as friends but the more I got to know him, the more I found attractive. My main concern before getting together, which we discussed at length before anything happened, was money and finances. I am 10 years into my career, am senior management and a high earner. He retrained to move into his role and took a pay cut. He has the potential to be where I am in around 3-5 years. I told him that for us to realistically work long term, he needs to be earning more.

He is currently earning c£25k. I earn around 4 times that.

We both work in a commission based environment and he has the opportunity to earn good money fairly quickly but you do need to put in hours/graft to be successful.

Initially he was spurred on by me and was working harder to earn money and be successful however, the further into our relationship we get, he isn’t, IMO, doing what is necessary to be successful in this industry.

He has minimal disposal income and I’m naturally picking up the tab for 99% of things including paying for a holiday, paying for all meals out, he will always stay at mine. I’ve even paid for lunches out with his parents however noticing that his work ethic is dying off, I’m beginning to get the ick.

He is genuinely the loveliest, kindest person, is fantastic with my daughter, all my friends and family love him and I genuinely cannot rate him highly enough however I’ve worked really hard to come back from financial ruin after my ex and I need things to be 50:50 or at least on track to be.

We’ve had a conversation about this and he is in agreement with me/has vowed to do more and in his defence, is, but I cannot help feeling less attracted to him because of this.

What would you do in this situation? Head is saying end things. Heart is begging me to give him a chance.

OP posts:
purpledalmation · 19/01/2023 20:41

If this was reversed and a man was the higher earner (usually the case) I wonder if her would be thinking, this woman is unattractive to me now because of her lack of earning power.

Do him a favour and dump him.

JudgeRinderonTinder · 19/01/2023 20:42

MoirasSaggyBundles · 19/01/2023 20:37

Not only fine with spongers, but probably spongers themselves. I hope you listen to all the people on your side, OP. You do not need an excuse to end a relationship that is not working for you, but you do have every excuse in the case of this repulsive man. I hope this takeaway incident is the straw that breaks the camel's back.

Show quote history

I’m not a sponger at all. That’s one hell of an assumption about a stranger from an anonymous internet forum, isn’t it? Weird. Just because I had a different view point to you based on the opening post, you jump to the conclusion I must be a sponger, ha ha! Hilarious.

Would help if the OP didn’t drip feed - then my opinion would have been very different, as it is now.

Whatsssupppeurgh · 19/01/2023 20:42

I think it’s weird that he didn’t pay when it was his parents or that they didn’t and were fine with you paying 😬
Also, even if he’s at yours, why can’t he pay for the takeaway sometimes?
I’d be okay with someone earning less, but wouldn’t like someone not paying for parts like this

FOTTFSOFTFOASM · 19/01/2023 20:43

OP, you already know the answer to this one. He's a sponger, whatever he says.

Plus 6 months after ending your relationship with your DD's father is a very, very short time before getting involved with someone else. I'd hold off entirely on relationships and focus on making a fabulous life for yourself and your DD.

EmmaEmerald · 19/01/2023 20:43

SueVineer · 19/01/2023 20:39

To be fair if the sexes were reversed I think there would be some quite different responses.

I don't
but that may be moot after I explained I have been the low earner.

and moot after the OP did so much drip feeding!

Stravaig · 19/01/2023 20:49

Bit tangential, but what on earth is he doing with his £25K a year if he lives in a house share but still can't contribute to groceries or shout a takeaway?! Is he frittering money in a worrying way eg. gambling; or squirrelling away pension or savings purely for himself while you subsidise him, OP?

MoirasSaggyBundles · 19/01/2023 20:50

I didn't say you were @JudgeRinderonTinder . I was replying to Daffodils.

FetchezLaVache · 19/01/2023 20:50

How did you know he wanted that particular coat for Christmas, OP? Had he been dropping hints perchance?

JudgeRinderonTinder · 19/01/2023 20:52

MoirasSaggyBundles · 19/01/2023 20:50

I didn't say you were @JudgeRinderonTinder . I was replying to Daffodils.

daffodils post was having a dig at me 😂 never mind it’s fine 🙂

Gymnopedie · 19/01/2023 20:52

purpledalmation · 19/01/2023 20:41

If this was reversed and a man was the higher earner (usually the case) I wonder if her would be thinking, this woman is unattractive to me now because of her lack of earning power.

Do him a favour and dump him.

I'm sure a lot of men would think exactly like that.

Some men won't mind such a disparity, just as some women don't (there are examples of PPs on this thread). Some men would be happy to take it if the gf/DP/wife was a trophy and looked good when they went out together. Some are traditional and see it as their 'job' to pay. Some - again like PPs - will be happy because they love their partner. Some rate the value of the job - nursing, teaching, etc - just as the OP has said that she'd be fine with his work ethic if he was in one of those jobs and working hard.

What she's not fine with is him doing the bare minimum and expecting that she'll bankroll his lifestyle. He's a gold digger and I wouldn't have any sympathy for a woman who tried to be the same.

Sunsetintheeast · 19/01/2023 20:56

This reply has been deleted

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louderthan · 19/01/2023 20:58

What if he worked very hard in a low-paid but important public sector role, without bonuses, commission or much prospect of promotion for a few years?
Would you still feel the same?

FetchezLaVache · 19/01/2023 21:01

Clearly, commission-based earning is not for him. Out of interest, what did he earn, roughly, before deciding to change jobs?

SchoolQuestionnaire · 19/01/2023 21:01

OreganoOregano · 19/01/2023 20:10

Perhaps it's my fault, genuinely. Not long after we first got together a restaurant opened that we really wanted to try and he was upfront that he couldn't afford it, I offered to pay.

Since then it's literally been take, take, take.

No amount of love and kindness can mask this for me now.

I wouldn’t say it’s your fault but I would say that in your next relationship you need to start as you mean to go on.

My dear departed dm always said that if a man didn’t offer to pay when dating then walk away because they are either stingy or not that bothered. I’ve always found it to be good advice.

louderthan · 19/01/2023 21:03

louderthan · 19/01/2023 20:58

What if he worked very hard in a low-paid but important public sector role, without bonuses, commission or much prospect of promotion for a few years?
Would you still feel the same?

Sorry, I see you have answered this!

OPTIMUMMY · 19/01/2023 21:05

It sounds like it’s not so much that he doesn’t earn as much as you but that he isn’t contributing and is costing you. He could take you out to cheaper places or save up and take you somewhere fancy just less often, or pick up some food to make you if he can’t afford takeaway. There are lots of ways to put in an effort without a lot of money. It’s the expectation that you will pay for fancy restaurants that he picks out etc that’s really ick to me, and lusting after fancy watches just sounds like massive hint dropping. I’d start saying you can’t afford things and match what he contributes, see if it makes a difference- will he step up and show he is willing to contribute or do things that are cheap but fun, will it motivate him more at work because you’re not paying for him, or will he step away because you’re no longer funding him?

Sotiredmjmmy · 19/01/2023 21:05

Just stop paying for a week or so and see what happens. It sounds like it’s slipped into a pattern of you paying. On £25k there is going to be a limit to what he can do compared to you, significantly less disposable income but it may be its snowballed over time and now he may well feel awkward and be well aware but you have continued to pay, just stop paying and then discuss it

SpareHeirOverThere · 19/01/2023 21:06

It's been 8 months. He's your boyfriend, not your partner. And most people do not see a significant rise in salary over any given 8 month period.

How would you feel if he was a teacher or a nurse - incredibly hard working but relatively poorly paid? Is the work ethic the problem or the earnings?

If a partner's salary is one of your main criteria, fair enough. Let him go. It sounds a bit shallow to me, but you have your reasons and it's a perfectly valid viewpoint.

Ridemeginger · 19/01/2023 21:07

louderthan · 19/01/2023 20:58

What if he worked very hard in a low-paid but important public sector role, without bonuses, commission or much prospect of promotion for a few years?
Would you still feel the same?

Read the OP's responses. She's already said she would be fine with this.

Samedaysameshit · 19/01/2023 21:09

You need to find someone earning at least the same or preferably more than you as you wil not feel they are your equal.
is it not generally true women date across and up on earning and men date across and down.
Unfortunately that limits you to men earning over100k which I think is about 3% of the population.

Boroladuk · 19/01/2023 21:12

This could be last chance saloon at happiness OP.

Do you envision meeting a nice man in real life what earns 100k+?

You certainly won't find that on OLD..apps are a cesspit of losers and deadbeats.

You could be back on here in 10 years making a "lonely and depressed" thread. Or maybe even a " will I ever find anyone" thread.

KettrickenSmiled · 19/01/2023 21:16

Boroladuk · 19/01/2023 21:12

This could be last chance saloon at happiness OP.

Do you envision meeting a nice man in real life what earns 100k+?

You certainly won't find that on OLD..apps are a cesspit of losers and deadbeats.

You could be back on here in 10 years making a "lonely and depressed" thread. Or maybe even a " will I ever find anyone" thread.

That's right OP - you need to keep paying, & even better invite this man to live with you as a cocklodger, or you will be LEFT ON THE SHELF.
And as we all know, every woman alive would rather be hung, drawn & quartered than face the horror of being .... single Shock - where there is no happiness to be found.

GentlySobbing · 19/01/2023 21:17

If you had the same salary as him (ie, £25,000), then your household income would be in the top 26% of UK households (ifs.org.uk/tools_and_resources/where_do_you_fit_in).

So as a household you would cope.

You aren't after a partner who you can jointly build a financially viable household with (because you've already got that), you are looking for someone who can jointly contribute to a very wealthy household with an unusually high standard of living. And if that's what you want to prioritise, then that's fine. You are completely entitled to make your own decisions on what you want things are important to you.

All I can really say is that my priorities would be different. I am also a high earner, with a lower earning partner. If he earned more, then we would have a life with more fripperies. But there are only so many fripperies that you can really have before they just blur into one big frip (and like I said, I'm a high earner, so it's not like our life is devoid of fripperies anyway). The relationship and companionship that I have with my partner, and the knowledge that my children are safe with him, is worth so, so much more to me than upgrading holidays and restaurants to the best of the best.

And anyway, for ambitious women there are advantages to having non-ambitious partners. You know all the senior career men who are able to commit everything to their careers because they have a partner at home who has time to take care of the daily grind? There's a reason why that is a thing.

Ridemeginger · 19/01/2023 21:18

Last chance saloon? She's 33, ffs! She's already said she'll be happy with a bloke who earns less but who has a decent work ethic and is prepared to pay his fair share. Her current P has neither, and doesn't deserve her at all. Who gives her too big slippers and Tupperware for their first Christmas. She'd be better off alone than with this cocklodger whom she already has serious doubts about during what should be the honeymoon period. Jesus, I can't believe so many women have such low standards

Chocbuttonsandredwine · 19/01/2023 21:18

A wise person on MN once said if someone shows you who they are then you should believe them.

Hes showing you. Just seen the update re Chinese. That’s actually beyond embarrassing. I’ve been on £25k a year… I had a mortgage and a child to support too… I could still afford an occasional take away.

hes actuallly giving me the ick!