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Original poster

I asked DH of 9 years if he can name anything he actually likes about me

131 replies

acidreign · 18/01/2023 22:54

I would genuinely welcome any opinions on this conversation I had with DH a few days ago, as I've been ruminating on it since and don't know whether I'm right to feel as sad as I do about it.

This was after an argument but when we were calm again and making up. I was feeling quite low and told him that sometimes it feels like he really despises me and I have often felt like he simply doesn't like me, and isn't that quite sad after being together for so long? I asked him if he could even name one thing he likes about me. He cuddled me, told me to shush (as if he was trying to soothe me), told me he loved me. I asked him again and told him it was a serious question. He responded after a few seconds "I like it when you're happy, and I like all the things you do for me". Then told me I'm beautiful. I asked if there was anything about my personality he actually liked, and he said "I just told you, I like you when you're happy". I've been feeling a bit down about this ever since as I could write a long list of things I like about him.

Do I have any right to be sad? Is this just me trying to make a big deal out of nothing or would you also be sad at this response?

OP posts:
VictoriaBun · 18/01/2023 22:57

I've asked mine the same question a few years ago - he answered I make nice meals
I'm amazed I'm still with him !

newnamethanks · 18/01/2023 23:01

I hope this tale isn't true. If it is, you need some parenting advice. He is NINE years old. Stop guilt tripping him, he's your son not a prospective lover. Get counselling or you'll have even more problems sooner than you think.

Original poster
acidreign · 18/01/2023 23:01

Relationship context is as follows, if anybody wants it before commenting.

I've struggled with my mental health on and off for much of my life and was quite unwell when we first met (I was 24, he was 39). Although I function pretty well now, my mood can be quick to change and I can find it hard to cope with even fairly minor unexpected problems in life. My life hasn't exactly gone as planned in a lot of ways - I'm very educated but I've had to accept that my career will never be as stellar as everybody expected of me and I'll not have children. In a lot of ways I'm very similar to when we first met, so it could be argued I haven't achieved a lot of milestones peers of mine have. To look at it another way, though, I suppose I'm still very much the person he fell in love with.

I am very content with our simple but comfortable life. I suppose he supports me financially to a degree, and I support him practically. I enjoy looking after him and our home and pets, and I do have a decent job that I don't love but it keeps me in a healthy routine and isn't too stressful. I would be happy for life to continue as it is and don't yearn for more. He is somebody who has always had extremely robust mental health and we have over the years argued because he simply doesn't and can't understand mental illness at all - perhaps theoretically, as he is very intelligent, but he doesn't understand how I can be so powerless to control it at times.

Essentially I'm sad that he couldn't name anything he actually likes about me inherently, but also not sure if there's anything else I could reasonably have expected him to say.

OP posts:
Purplelemons123 · 18/01/2023 23:03

newnamethanks · 18/01/2023 23:01

I hope this tale isn't true. If it is, you need some parenting advice. He is NINE years old. Stop guilt tripping him, he's your son not a prospective lover. Get counselling or you'll have even more problems sooner than you think.

He's her husband for the last 9 years. Not her son!!

loobylou10 · 18/01/2023 23:04

@newnamethanks It's husband of 9 years, not son aged 9

Bertha21 · 18/01/2023 23:04

It could be that you caught him off guard. I asked my then husband what marriage meant to him. We were having a tough time. He didn’t know. That kind of summed it up tbh. Maybe ask him to think about it/write it down and you could do the same?

Onnabugeisha · 18/01/2023 23:09

Essentially I'm sad that he couldn't name anything he actually likes about me inherently

Hang on. You wrote that he said

I like it when you're happy, and I like all the things you do for me". Then told me I'm beautiful.

Thats THREE things, and you’d only asked him to name ONE thing! What do possibly have to be sad about?

Im sorry but asking
I asked him if he could even name one thing he likes about me.
He names three things…while being affectionate…
Im sad that he couldn't name anything…

This means you need professional help for your MH because your perceptions are way off kilter.

catinboots123 · 18/01/2023 23:11

I've spent 15 years with someone who can't even pretend to like me. Get out while you can. You deserve better.

Rogue1001MNer · 18/01/2023 23:12

newnamethanks · 18/01/2023 23:01

I hope this tale isn't true. If it is, you need some parenting advice. He is NINE years old. Stop guilt tripping him, he's your son not a prospective lover. Get counselling or you'll have even more problems sooner than you think.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

I'm cringing for you

growinggreyer · 18/01/2023 23:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Rogue1001MNer · 18/01/2023 23:14

OP, sorry, I didn't respond to you.

I would also be hurt, but maybe his mind just went blank.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/01/2023 23:15

Tbf @Onnabugeisha , being happy, doing stuff for him and being sexually attractive aren't really "things about my personality" and as it goes "when you're not miserable so you do stuff for me and you're hot" isn't massively a list I'd want.

However @acidreign i think lots of men can be a bit shit when put on the spot like this. DH said "hard to choose, you're funny, wouldn't know where to start, hahaha" and left it and we're happy

Phrenologistsfinger · 18/01/2023 23:15

At least he said some nice things to you! My DP, when I asked him this question, took ten minutes to think and then said “you filled out the mortgage application form efficiently”…. Nice, thanks!

SleepingStandingUp · 18/01/2023 23:15

catinboots123 · 18/01/2023 23:11

I've spent 15 years with someone who can't even pretend to like me. Get out while you can. You deserve better.

So do you

Onnabugeisha · 18/01/2023 23:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WTAF? You need professional help too. Massively weird distortion of the OP.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/01/2023 23:17

Onnabugeisha · 18/01/2023 23:16

WTAF? You need professional help too. Massively weird distortion of the OP.

Show quote history

Are you the DP Oona? who likes a happy, pretty wife who does stuff for him?

Onnabugeisha · 18/01/2023 23:17

SleepingStandingUp · 18/01/2023 23:15

Tbf @Onnabugeisha , being happy, doing stuff for him and being sexually attractive aren't really "things about my personality" and as it goes "when you're not miserable so you do stuff for me and you're hot" isn't massively a list I'd want.

However @acidreign i think lots of men can be a bit shit when put on the spot like this. DH said "hard to choose, you're funny, wouldn't know where to start, hahaha" and left it and we're happy

She didn’t ask for “things about my personality” though did she?

I asked him if he could even name one thing he likes about me.

One thing= any thing he likes about her.

Onnabugeisha · 18/01/2023 23:20

SleepingStandingUp · 18/01/2023 23:17

Are you the DP Oona? who likes a happy, pretty wife who does stuff for him?

Show quote history

No, I’m a woman who’s DH tells her she is beautiful every day and I know that beauty is on the inside and the outside. And saying that you like when someone is happy is about the most selfless thing you can say…that you want them to be happy, and you don’t like it when they are unhappy. The doing things for me is saying she is generous and loving.

I don’t appreciate being called a troll. I feel like you lot ate from another planet to interpret what he said in such a way.

AutumnCrow · 18/01/2023 23:20

I get what the OP is saying.

Userwoozer · 18/01/2023 23:33

I think that liking the OP when she's happy is okay. Being nice to be with is a positive attribute. If OP is often depressed, that must be hard on her OH. And appreciating her beauty is okay. And I think he tried to say that he appreciates what OP does for him - that he notices it and doesn't take it for granted. That's okay too. It does sound as though things are difficult due to the MH issues.

Thesonglastslonger · 18/01/2023 23:44

I asked the same question and after some thought DH said he likes that I’m good at looking after the DC.

🙄

Dummycrusher · 18/01/2023 23:52

Yeah, I'd be disappointed with that list OP. I'd also note thougg that some people just aren't romantic and good at expressing themselves. I know people who could gush for England about their spouses, and others who would really struggle to articulate why they like them. @Onnabugeisha given the context i think you're way off the mark here. The partner doesn't say he wants OP to be happy, he said he likes it when she is happy, the implication being that he doesn't like her when she isn't happy. It's conditional on something that may not be within OP's control due to her MH issues. That's such a slap in the face as there is such a misconception that if you just try harder you can buck up and stop being miserable, but you would hope that having been together so long the partner would understand and accept her struggles.

Op, I hope you have good support with your MH from other sources? I'm guessing you've tried medication? I stubbornly refused antidepressants for over a decade but felt SO much better after only 2 weeks of taking them...

piedbeauty · 18/01/2023 23:53

Onnabugeisha · 18/01/2023 23:09

Essentially I'm sad that he couldn't name anything he actually likes about me inherently

Hang on. You wrote that he said

I like it when you're happy, and I like all the things you do for me". Then told me I'm beautiful.

Thats THREE things, and you’d only asked him to name ONE thing! What do possibly have to be sad about?

Im sorry but asking
I asked him if he could even name one thing he likes about me.
He names three things…while being affectionate…
Im sad that he couldn't name anything…

This means you need professional help for your MH because your perceptions are way off kilter.

Christ. These are NOT OP's characteristics. They're not things about the OP that her h likes.

If I had to list things about my h, I'd say 'he's funny, he's unselfish, he's great at making people laugh, he's good at reassuring me when I'm sad, he's great at supporting the Dc with with their hobbies, he's hard working, he's a good provider...

Can't you see the difference?! 🙄

Perfectpeace · 18/01/2023 23:54

newnamethanks · 18/01/2023 23:01

I hope this tale isn't true. If it is, you need some parenting advice. He is NINE years old. Stop guilt tripping him, he's your son not a prospective lover. Get counselling or you'll have even more problems sooner than you think.

What?????

CandidClarisse · 18/01/2023 23:54

Honestly I think most men are absolutely shite at this question as a lot of them just aren't that deep! Some of the examples on this thread sum it up!