I asked DH of 9 years if he can name anything he actually likes about me

[acidreign]

I would genuinely welcome any opinions on this conversation I had with DH a few days ago, as I've been ruminating on it since and don't know whether I'm right to feel as sad as I do about it.

This was after an argument but when we were calm again and making up. I was feeling quite low and told him that sometimes it feels like he really despises me and I have often felt like he simply doesn't like me, and isn't that quite sad after being together for so long? I asked him if he could even name one thing he likes about me. He cuddled me, told me to shush (as if he was trying to soothe me), told me he loved me. I asked him again and told him it was a serious question. He responded after a few seconds "I like it when you're happy, and I like all the things you do for me". Then told me I'm beautiful. I asked if there was anything about my personality he actually liked, and he said "I just told you, I like you when you're happy". I've been feeling a bit down about this ever since as I could write a long list of things I like about him.

Do I have any right to be sad? Is this just me trying to make a big deal out of nothing or would you also be sad at this response?

Is he good with words? can he normally articulate his feelings? If so then yes maybe he doesnt like you. If not then you are asking for something that's really hard for him to put into words.

For example my husband would probably give a response similar to yours. But he is absolutely awful at describing things. For example if I cant go to a parents evening and ask him how it went 'it went fine', I ask yes but what did the teacher actually say, strengths and weaknesses etc 'they said it's all fine'. Or if we have something new to eat and I ask what he thinks about it he will say something random like 'yes', I'll ask what specifically he likes and he he will say 'it's good'. It drives me mental. So it's not surprising that he cant articulate what he likes about me

Your daughter may find this article very interesting. Quite old now but subsequent research has supported and provided more evidence for this. Though focused on genes that are associated with depression, it equally applies to differences such as ASD which were also seen traditionally only in terms of disadvantage, without any thought for the upsides (on a societal level) and why those genetic profiles would be so prevalent if there wasn't a significant upside.

www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2009/12/the-science-of-success/307761/

@NocturnalClocks Oh this is illuminating! Thanks for posting.

I thought it might help OP, too. It certainly helped me to understand myself in a different way, when I read it all those years ago. It stuck with me and I've tracked the research in this area since with great interest.

It also goes to show that with greater understanding in society of how differences benefit everyone and society supporting those - rather than making people feel like they're a problem or a burden - everyone will flourish more. Orchids just need more care than dandelions, and we should all facilitate that even out of selfishness, if we lack altruism.

If you look back historically at regimes that discouraged/ punished difference, demanded conformity (and indeed in present times, also) they don't exactly make much progress in anything that matters do they? Science, ethics, philosophy, art, literature... so I think anthropology also aligns with the genetic evidence.

Really hope it helps you OP.

It definitely doesn't create problems, although you do need to be willing to approach the conversations with an open mind, and with willingness to listen to each other's perspectives. Sending you my love.