I asked DH of 9 years if he can name anything he actually likes about me

[acidreign]

I would genuinely welcome any opinions on this conversation I had with DH a few days ago, as I've been ruminating on it since and don't know whether I'm right to feel as sad as I do about it.

This was after an argument but when we were calm again and making up. I was feeling quite low and told him that sometimes it feels like he really despises me and I have often felt like he simply doesn't like me, and isn't that quite sad after being together for so long? I asked him if he could even name one thing he likes about me. He cuddled me, told me to shush (as if he was trying to soothe me), told me he loved me. I asked him again and told him it was a serious question. He responded after a few seconds "I like it when you're happy, and I like all the things you do for me". Then told me I'm beautiful. I asked if there was anything about my personality he actually liked, and he said "I just told you, I like you when you're happy". I've been feeling a bit down about this ever since as I could write a long list of things I like about him.

Do I have any right to be sad? Is this just me trying to make a big deal out of nothing or would you also be sad at this response?

Can we stop telling OP that this is how men are?
Men are extremely good at identifying special qualities of a woman they love - this is usually why they fall in love in a first place and commit rather then chasing all pretty faces!

I believe OP's husband is a good person and deserves huge benefit of a doubt but OP has a right to be upset and they should have a deeper conversation about it.

I actually suffered with mental health problems so don't lecture me on that OK?

The example that she gives would make a healthy person upset and a bit disappointed depending on what they want out of the relationship. And that example is what she wanted opinions on.

Stop invalidating her just because she has mental problems.

You’re very brave for posting this on MN!

I'm not lecturing you, I'm calling it as I see it, just like you did.

One thing I'm trying very hard is empowering the OP. She is struggling with confidence because she thinks her mental health is an issue in the relationship, which is not, specially if you've read her last post.

Mental health issues are difficult to navigate, and so are men. Marriages are difficult to maintain, there are too many individual conflicts, finances, kids and difficult emotional issues that few times are acknowledged. When you put together mental health with a long marriage (9 years is a long time), the OP needs to know her marriage is doing well, because it is.

Yeah, same. It feels like a test he was never going to pass. I'd be angry if someone did this to me.

I realised after going to Relate that there wasn't a single thing I liked about my H. Not one thing. So I divorced him and life is so much better.

People have different expectations of relationships, marriage etc.
Many people would not be upset at his response because they're more interested in practicalities of marriage or they have different needs and that's fine.
But it's also OK to be disappointed. Perfectly valid.
She wanted reassurance and she didn't get it even tho she specifically explained what she needed and she says it is an example of wider pattern in her relationship.

It doesn't mean that her marriage is bad and that she needs to LTB, I would never suggest that but it does mean that she has an important need that is not being met in a relationship. That fact should be acknowledged in non - accusatory manner and steps should be taken to improve this situation or find ways to accept it and getting more support outside of marriage etc.

This is way more empowering attitude then telling someone it's all in their head and only jumping at someone's mental health issues. Majority of people did just that and OP left.

Of course mental illness is a serious problem and it can affect our self worth, the way we see the world and make our emotions more painful. And yes it's true that OP probably has a lot of work to do on herself BUT non of that negates the fact that her husband's response was disappointing and they should be working together to improve their marriage.

@QueefQueen80s a bit harsh! there's nothing wrong with that gap! The problem here isn't the age gap.

@ELL2478 Sorry I disagree as do many on this thread and in life away from this forum.

"And yes it's true that OP probably has a lot of work to do on herself"

No. The OP doesn't need to work on herself just like a heart or liver patient doesn't need to work on themselves. This is her reality and diminishing her reality is not supporting her.

I would never suggest that but it does mean that she has an important need that is not being met in a relationship. That fact should be acknowledged in non - accusatory manner and steps should be taken to improve this situation or find ways to accept it and getting more support outside of marriage etc.

The OP has said that her Dh is caring and supports her. Because of her mental health, she also needs a very structural life. It'd be great if she has genuine support from friends and family, we have no idea if she does. It'd be fabulous if her DH could give her the validation she needs, but few husbands do so in a marriage. Not because they don't want to but because they have no idea how to. Men and women are driven by opposite hormones and biology and she needs to understand and accept this. Her need for validation is not solely on her, it's on his biology as well.

I admit, the OP's last post, not her initial one, made a huge impression on me
.

I have caught up on all the responses since I 'left' earlier this morning. I am immensely grateful for all of them, and some of you are really too kind. Some have been painful to read, but necessary.

I don't idolise my husband or think he is perfect (obviously!), but I also don't think he is a bad man who I shouldn't be with. Clearly, though, after such a long time he isn't suddenly going to have the eureka moment I have often wished for - the one that makes him understand me - and it's not fair of me to keep trying to have these kinds of conversations every few months hoping for a different outcome.

@Onnabugeisha I have wondered about autism at times, and it would make sense of a lot of things, but I've never been sure what good it could do me to know. I hadn't considered that different therapeutic techniques could be more or less effective in people with ASD, even though it seems quite obvious now I have thought about it. I'm not currently in treatment of any kind - after finding the treatments on offer when I was in my teens/twenties seemed to do more harm than good, I just set about finding my own ways to cope and get through the days. It has worked fairly well but obviously in only a 'sticking plaster' kind of way.

I found school and adolescence extremely difficult - I wasn't bullied and had friends, but both school and my parents had very very high expectations of me. I couldn't cope with the pressure at all, and it manifested in eating disorders from about age 14. I'm very close with my family but my mental health problems are very much the elephant in the room. I don't have any friends anymore, as I mostly ghosted them all after university. I had never felt like they liked me anyway (mostly because I knew I was having to put on a big act with them all, so I surmised that if they liked the fake me they wouldn't like the real me, because they were so different), and I always found socialising a huge exhausting struggle. When I met my husband it seemed easier to just shrink my world to be more manageable.

Logically, my husband is successful, handsome, charismatic and has friends and hobbies. He is also very capable of looking after himself, and is a great cook who kept a lovely home before he even met me. He could do better than me, so the fact that he doesn't seem to want to should actually reassure me that he must genuinely love me, even if the 'reasons' aren't tangible or easy to put into words.

Do you really have to read into everything I write and make into something it's not? Everyone has to work on themselves. It's just a figure of speach.

And I don't agree with this idea that men and women are from different planet. The differences are just a matter of degree.

She told him exactly how she needs to be validated, he didn't need to figure it out.

Most people regardless of gender should be able to list some qualities they like in their partner when asked. It's really not some complicated emotional support only people with ovaries are capable of.

My primary age son could easily answer that question if he was being asked.

It's fine if others have different expectations but OP asked if her feelings are valid and I think they are.

@Lili132
She told him exactly how she needs to be validated

Forgive me but “name one thing you like about me* isn’t exact at all, it’s vague and as general as you can get. Especially, when she didn’t mean any thing he liked, but specifically wanted inherent personality traits he liked about her.

You give the example of your primary son listing “qualities” they like in a partner, well OP didn’t specify qualities either.

There are expectations and then there are unrealistic expectations due to poor communication.

I was going to say the same.

I don't think it's a personal reflection of how he feels about you. Men (typically) don't analyse the words use. He's just translated that as "say something nice about me"

Gas lighting at its finest.

Liking her when she's happy isn't the same as looking a quality.

Liking her looks is something but very shallow and not a personality trait.

Liking the things she does for him is not liking something about her.

Obviously she was hoping to hear qualities - her sense of humour, warmth, empathy, patience etc.

OP
Ah, I feel so much for you. I think getting an ASD assessment would be super helpful for you as then you could access depression therapies for people with autism. It’s heartbreaking to read the therapy you had did more harm than good. I’m amazed you are coping as well as you are. It would also help your partner understand you better…how your mind works, the ways he can adjust to accommodate, and honestly it helps both of you to know what you can’t help about yourself.

The feeling like a fake, the exhaustion from socialising..those are more ASD traits. ASD isn’t a bad thing or a problem with you, it’s simply being a different kind of human being. My DD who has ASD pretty severely said humans need autistic humans because no neurotypical human would have tested berries or mushrooms obsessively to determine which ones were delicious food and which were poisonous. Only a human with ASD would have the passion plus determination to discover new foods. She also had the example of making fire…as in no neurotypical human would go around bashing two rocks together to discover that a lump of ironite and a lump of flint give off sparks. Only a human with autism would spend probably a lifetime searching out and bashing different rocks together to see what would happen and then discover fire. So her theory is that humanity needs humans with ASD, always has and always will.

Even if you are not autistic, it’s a good point in that no matter how unique or quirky we may be, we are still needed as human beings and valuable.

Please don’t use gaslighting, that is most unfair and not true at all.

It’s not obvious to me or other posters that she was looking for qualities or personality traits. Beauty is more than looks imho too.

She said “name one thing”- it’s not her partners fault if he took her words at face value.

Yes my primary age son had a lovely project at school in reception where they had to list some nice qualities about their class mates. All the boys and girls had no problems with listing a few. It's really not a rocket science.

Now I do accept some people may struggle with that - fine. But OP asked if she was right to feel a bit upset or if it was all in her head and my point is and always was - yes it's normal she's a bit upset. It's not just in her head. And the reason I'm going to say that over and over on this thread is that I know how mental issues can affect our self worth and make us question ourselves all the time and what OP really needed is some validation. That's all.

I feel like you put him to the test, a trap almost, and he failed and now you are nurturing your sadness and holding it against him

To me, having a partner so emotionally needy would be very tough, it seems your partner is coping fairly well though, fair play to him

But can't you even see that asking this kind of question, in a very sad way, is such a strange thing to do? Or is that just me? It's like being extremely emotionally needy.

Can you get some kind of help to deal with this? It seems such a destructive way to confuse relationship to me

@Lili132 I was just using one sentence out of your whole thread

You can't cherrypick one sentence out of a comment that was structured as 'On the one hand ... on the other hand'. It was explicitly designed to be taken as a whole.

Make the points you want to make independently, without setting them up as falsely oppositional replies to other posters.

@acidreign

Sorry to play 'armchair therapist', but I think you are looking to him to validate things that you want to see and validate in yourself.

Feeling good needs to come from within. I'm not talking about 'being happy', I'm talking about the deep feeling of satisfaction with 'who we are' that 'lives' within us, whether we're happy or unhappy at a given time. I can be very unhappy with something, but yet I still feel good about 'who I am'.

I know you said that you don't want engage with 'help' but unless you do you'll continue to feel that your husband doesn't value you, but that's because you don't value yourself.

Our 'issues' can be scary as hell. They can even feel so huge and so horrible that we don't think we can face them without destroying ourselves. But we can, with a good therapist, courage, and hard work get to a place where we value ourselves enough to face them down. Our issues may never disappear entirely, but they can be 'shrunk' and made manageable. They can be examined and 'put where they belong' in our minds.

I encourage you to consider reengaging with therapy. Remember that sometimes you have to 'interview' more than one therapist before you find the right 'fit.

whaaaaaaaaaaaat

@AcrossthePond55 Beautifully expressed.

I think it depends on the context - if he's treating her like he doesn't like anything about her, it's a fair question.

I am a credulous fool OP, please accept my apologies for completely misreading your original post. I hope things improve for you.