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Original poster

I asked DH of 9 years if he can name anything he actually likes about me

131 replies

acidreign · 18/01/2023 22:54

I would genuinely welcome any opinions on this conversation I had with DH a few days ago, as I've been ruminating on it since and don't know whether I'm right to feel as sad as I do about it.

This was after an argument but when we were calm again and making up. I was feeling quite low and told him that sometimes it feels like he really despises me and I have often felt like he simply doesn't like me, and isn't that quite sad after being together for so long? I asked him if he could even name one thing he likes about me. He cuddled me, told me to shush (as if he was trying to soothe me), told me he loved me. I asked him again and told him it was a serious question. He responded after a few seconds "I like it when you're happy, and I like all the things you do for me". Then told me I'm beautiful. I asked if there was anything about my personality he actually liked, and he said "I just told you, I like you when you're happy". I've been feeling a bit down about this ever since as I could write a long list of things I like about him.

Do I have any right to be sad? Is this just me trying to make a big deal out of nothing or would you also be sad at this response?

OP posts:
PerpetualFailure · 19/01/2023 07:07

Do you take steps to improve your MH where you can? That is the root of the issue isn't it?

Original poster
acidreign · 19/01/2023 07:09

Merlott · 19/01/2023 00:12

You sound unhappy OP.

Reading between the lines, all this talk of "mental health" just sounds like when you feel down he withdraws and punishes you instead of caring for you and making you feel safe?

That's not right. No wonder you are miserable. But begging him for more scraps isn't going to help.

It's a big age gap and makes me wonder how vulnerable you were when you met him.

In any case contact GP and self refer for CBT. Put yourself first.

Thank you for this reply. Funnily enough I would have said I'm the happiest I've been in many years. Most days I manage to find plenty of joy (albeit often in ways DH doesn't understand or approve of) and I can honestly say that if my life stayed this way forever I would die quite content. I feel quite stable mostly - although depression, anxiety and eating disorders are still big parts of my life, it is in a less dramatic/chaotic way. I hide it all well.

I tried various treatments in my early-twenties, including CBT (though I didn't properly engage with it). I'm scared to actually put effort into reengaging with any meaningful treatment, even though DH would probably love me to, as long as he didn't have to be too involved in the process. I wish I could be brave enough to try, but it's so daunting when life is ok now. The me before I met DH would never have believed I would make it to thirty, let alone be functioning most days.

OP posts:
Tricolette · 19/01/2023 07:11

My dsis has mh problems and I prefer her when she's happy. Because it means her mh is not quite as bad.
Her dh is older too and I really don't know how he lives with her constant need for reassurance.

@acidreign I'm sure your dh does love you but if you're an overthinker then whatever he says you'll analyse it.
If I asked dh what he liked about me he would probably say my bum.
But I would laugh because I know that he thinks I'm smart and a good person.

Your dh probably is frustrated and exhausted.
Do you have other family that will talk sometimes when your mh is bad ? Dsis often rings me and it gives her dh a break.

BunchHarman · 19/01/2023 07:28

newnamethanks · 18/01/2023 23:01

I hope this tale isn't true. If it is, you need some parenting advice. He is NINE years old. Stop guilt tripping him, he's your son not a prospective lover. Get counselling or you'll have even more problems sooner than you think.

😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆

Nosleepforthismum · 19/01/2023 07:34

I think your MH is clouding your views on this a little. Your DH was put on the spot and he gave a decent answer. From the other side of this, it’s extremely difficult being in a relationship with someone with mental health issues and being required to provide constant reassurance while knowing that every little thing you say or do is likely to be picked apart and overanalysed. I’ve been there. It can be detrimental to the other person’s mental health as well but that’s never really acknowledged within the relationship.

arethereanyleftatall · 19/01/2023 07:36

I'm sorry op, I also think that's a rubbish response. Coupled with the age difference, I'd be wondering if he saw you as a trophy.

I think a lot of people on this thread should raise their bar.

Aozora13 · 19/01/2023 07:47

On the face of it, I can see why you are disappointed with his answers but in my experience that type of question is a bit of a fishing expedition and people rarely respond how you want them too. So I wouldn’t read too much into that particular incident. But it does sound like there are wider issues in the relationship - what gives you joy that your DP doesn’t approve of? I’m assuming it’s not dancing naked in the back garden or eyeing up the pool boy?

smallseacreatures · 19/01/2023 07:53

I understand this. I asked my H this ( now Ex) and he replied similarly. He said two things which were things he benefited from, from me. As the years progressed it became painfully clear that he was incapable of seeing me outside of what I gave to them. I simply didn’t have an existence outside of that. So no, he couldn’t see my personality, behaviours, interests and passions outside of where they intersected with gains for him.
He was later diagnosed with autism and the more I read about autism, the more all of his behaviours started to make sense.

Boomboom22 · 19/01/2023 08:03

This reply has been deleted

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OriGanOver · 19/01/2023 08:04

I had a H like this OP. I knew he saw me as something that slotted in with him rather than me. So he liked it that I was beautiful, did things for him, but couldn't ever name personality traits that he liked about me. When I didn't slot in to where he thought I should fit, when I had my own opinion, he didn't like it!

So much happier without him!

But, your H might not be like my exh. He might just have been a bit thoughtless in his response.

mincedtart · 19/01/2023 08:15

newnamethanks · 18/01/2023 23:01

I hope this tale isn't true. If it is, you need some parenting advice. He is NINE years old. Stop guilt tripping him, he's your son not a prospective lover. Get counselling or you'll have even more problems sooner than you think.

You’re gonna need a new name again buddy

AngelinaFibres · 19/01/2023 08:29

I asked my exhusband if he loved me. I thought he would say "Of course I do". He didn't. He thought for a bit and said " I esteem you highly and regard you with great warmth, but, no I don't love you ". It kind of died after that. We have been divorced for 26 years.

Onnabugeisha · 19/01/2023 08:31

Kanaloa · 19/01/2023 00:15

He didn’t say he felt gratitude. He said he likes it when she’s happy, does things for him, and is beautiful. Those are the things he could think of that he likes about the woman he has been with for almost and decade. All he could think of when asked what he likes is ‘when you don’t complain, when you serve me, and when you are physically attractive.’

Although I remember you from the other thread - you’re the one who obsessively shows up on threads where women are at the end of their tether with men who refuse to contribute in any useful way to the running of the home and pick faults at the woman and what she should be doing to support a man who won’t cook, clean, or raise his kids. So hardly surprising that you think women should jump for joy when a man who she feels despises her says she does things for him.

Show quote history

You have a go at me for extrapolating a feeling from what he actually said, and then you write something completely from what he actually said and pretend that is what he meant. That’s incredibly hypocritical of you to do.

I like it when you are happy is nothing like I like it when you don’t complain
I like the things you do for me is nothing like I like it when you serve me
And beauty means a hell of a lot more than “physically attractive” (though I see you threw a “when you are” which he did not say at all)

I never said she should “jump for joy” how dare you. I’m pointing out she asked for one thing, and he gave her three. She struggles with depression and probably doesn’t even realise the question itself asked in the context of passive aggressive “it feels like you don’t even like me. Name one thing you like about me” is emotionally abusive of her…

She says she’s the happiest she has ever been in her life with her partner, yet you and others are ignoring that she is probably going through a depressive episode and no matter what her partner says nice, her mind will dismiss it. You are helping her depression make her feel worse about herself and her partner.

Its a bit low of you to refer to a thread where a man was obviously showing numerous symptoms of ADHD and my advice was to get him assessed for ADHD. You gave the armchair diagnosis of lazy fucker LTB. When the OP was specifically asking for help. She was asking to be told oh, it’s futile, give up, just LTB. The thread was split as well, numerous other posters with experience of ADHD both in their partners and themselves also recommended the same advice of get him assessed.

Calmdown14 · 19/01/2023 08:32

Only you know your husband. If he is the type to send long flowery texts or declare his love in articulate ways then you have a problem.

If he's a quiet kind of soul and not very expressive then you are probably reading too much into it.

Does he show his love and care for you in ways other than words? Is he a kind and supportive partner? That's what matters most.

My own husband would answer this badly and I'd probably say 'you bring me cups of tea in bed ' if he asked it of me.

Onnabugeisha · 19/01/2023 08:35

My dsis has mh problems and I prefer her when she's happy. Because it means her mh is not quite as bad.

Exactly, my partner struggles with depression and I also like it when he is happy because it means his MH is better and he’s not suffering horribly.

Newyearnewmeow · 19/01/2023 08:36

mincedtart · 19/01/2023 08:15

You’re gonna need a new name again buddy

Show quote history

😂😂

springerspanielpuppy · 19/01/2023 08:40

After your update OP it seems there has always been an unbalance in your relationship, if in the beginning he thought he could be your saviour what did you expect or want from him? Perhaps he thought he could make you well and now he sees that this is permanent not temporary he doesn't cope with it so well. If you did not think you would live until you were 30 did he really know the extent of your MH problems.

Living with someone with poor MH can be draining and couples can often fall into the parent and child mode or carer and cared for. So when he says he likes it when you're happy he probably genuinely means it because it's difficult living with someone who is sad a lot. When he says he likes the things you do for him, maybe that's because he does a lot for you.

He said you are beautiful, do you believe him? What replies would have made you happy?

Lili132 · 19/01/2023 08:48

He did not list anything that he actually like about you and I think he completely missed the point of the question.

He likes you when you're happy - that's lovely but says nothing about your qualities or you as a person. And lots of men like their women nice and smiley because they don't want to deal with their emotions or feel like a failure.

He likes what you do for him - again it's nothing about you really. Everyone likes when partner does something for them. Maybe if he said something about your personality - being caring and thoughtful it would come across much better.

Being beautiful - again that's a lovely complement but if you put all together he didn't really say anything about you or your personality. He could be describing any wife material really.

But it doesn't mean he had bad intentions or that he doesn't appreciate you for who you are so rather then feeling resentful its best to gently clear it out with him.

Stravaig · 19/01/2023 08:57

On the one hand, I understand your dismay, OP - it's about feeling seen, and aporeciated for being uniquely you. I remember a boyfriend once saying he liked that when I gave him a big grin, my smile went wide and gappy at the sides! He's right, it does, but I'd never noticed, and nor has anyone else, before or since. It was completely random and very specific. What your DH said was quite generic, and rather service oriented.

On the other hand, you've struggled with your mental health, and it sounds as if you've been relying on DH for validation of who you are, which is never a great idea. I'd suggest some therapy to anchor your sense of self and self-worth more securely. And if your mental health has had a big impact on the relationship over the years, his comment about liking you happy is perhaps more understandable ?

Lili132 · 19/01/2023 08:58

Also OP it doesn't matter what others accept as normal or how they feel about their husbands. Our emotions are reflection of our values. So if you value intimacy, feel seen and cherished in a relationship then of course your husband response will be disappointing.

It's important tho to always give each other benefit of a doubt. We all do stupid things, we are all thoughtless sometimes.

It's best to discuss it with your husband and tell him how you feel.

Lili132 · 19/01/2023 09:14

Stravaig · 19/01/2023 08:57

On the one hand, I understand your dismay, OP - it's about feeling seen, and aporeciated for being uniquely you. I remember a boyfriend once saying he liked that when I gave him a big grin, my smile went wide and gappy at the sides! He's right, it does, but I'd never noticed, and nor has anyone else, before or since. It was completely random and very specific. What your DH said was quite generic, and rather service oriented.

On the other hand, you've struggled with your mental health, and it sounds as if you've been relying on DH for validation of who you are, which is never a great idea. I'd suggest some therapy to anchor your sense of self and self-worth more securely. And if your mental health has had a big impact on the relationship over the years, his comment about liking you happy is perhaps more understandable ?

I don't think expecting your partner to see you and love you for who you are rather then a role you fill is relying on someone else for validation. I think we need to stop pathologise normal human needs and emotions.

He literally could not come with one thing he actually likes about her as a person even though she even gave him hints about what kind of answer she is after.

I met lots of men before my DP who although were very into me didn't really seem to know me or see me for who I am, rather saw a pretty little woman who will fill the role. In every case they moved into another pretty thing very quickly after I stopped seeing them.
With my DP I felt completely different - like he actually noticed my qualities and like I was not easily replaceable. That's why we're still together.
It had nothing to do with me being needy or looking for validation - I was happily single before and enjoying my life.

It's not important for all people to have that kind of relationship but it's important for some and that's perfectly valid.

Kanaloa · 19/01/2023 09:19

Onnabugeisha · 19/01/2023 08:31

You have a go at me for extrapolating a feeling from what he actually said, and then you write something completely from what he actually said and pretend that is what he meant. That’s incredibly hypocritical of you to do.

I like it when you are happy is nothing like I like it when you don’t complain
I like the things you do for me is nothing like I like it when you serve me
And beauty means a hell of a lot more than “physically attractive” (though I see you threw a “when you are” which he did not say at all)

I never said she should “jump for joy” how dare you. I’m pointing out she asked for one thing, and he gave her three. She struggles with depression and probably doesn’t even realise the question itself asked in the context of passive aggressive “it feels like you don’t even like me. Name one thing you like about me” is emotionally abusive of her…

She says she’s the happiest she has ever been in her life with her partner, yet you and others are ignoring that she is probably going through a depressive episode and no matter what her partner says nice, her mind will dismiss it. You are helping her depression make her feel worse about herself and her partner.

Its a bit low of you to refer to a thread where a man was obviously showing numerous symptoms of ADHD and my advice was to get him assessed for ADHD. You gave the armchair diagnosis of lazy fucker LTB. When the OP was specifically asking for help. She was asking to be told oh, it’s futile, give up, just LTB. The thread was split as well, numerous other posters with experience of ADHD both in their partners and themselves also recommended the same advice of get him assessed.

Show quote history

I like it when you do things for me is no different from I like it when you serve me. Doing things for someone else is serving them.

You gaslight women who are dissatisfied with their partners. That’s what you do - it’s a pattern with you. I always hope when I see you that you are actually a male poster, because I find women who are so desperate to defend men by driving down women so much sadder.

Kanaloa · 19/01/2023 09:20

And how dare I? How dare you call her emotionally abusive and gaslight women? What a dummy you are.

Aposterhasnoname · 19/01/2023 09:22

newnamethanks · 18/01/2023 23:01

I hope this tale isn't true. If it is, you need some parenting advice. He is NINE years old. Stop guilt tripping him, he's your son not a prospective lover. Get counselling or you'll have even more problems sooner than you think.

She’s married to a NINE year old!!!!

Stravaig · 19/01/2023 09:24

@Lili132 Your supposed rebuttal simply reiterates my first paragraph, which you clearly didn't read.

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