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Original poster

I asked DH of 9 years if he can name anything he actually likes about me

131 replies

acidreign · 18/01/2023 22:54

I would genuinely welcome any opinions on this conversation I had with DH a few days ago, as I've been ruminating on it since and don't know whether I'm right to feel as sad as I do about it.

This was after an argument but when we were calm again and making up. I was feeling quite low and told him that sometimes it feels like he really despises me and I have often felt like he simply doesn't like me, and isn't that quite sad after being together for so long? I asked him if he could even name one thing he likes about me. He cuddled me, told me to shush (as if he was trying to soothe me), told me he loved me. I asked him again and told him it was a serious question. He responded after a few seconds "I like it when you're happy, and I like all the things you do for me". Then told me I'm beautiful. I asked if there was anything about my personality he actually liked, and he said "I just told you, I like you when you're happy". I've been feeling a bit down about this ever since as I could write a long list of things I like about him.

Do I have any right to be sad? Is this just me trying to make a big deal out of nothing or would you also be sad at this response?

OP posts:
SirenSays · 18/01/2023 23:56

Wow the replies on here are so depressing. I'd be majorly disappointed with that list too

Onnabugeisha · 18/01/2023 23:57

piedbeauty · 18/01/2023 23:53

Christ. These are NOT OP's characteristics. They're not things about the OP that her h likes.

If I had to list things about my h, I'd say 'he's funny, he's unselfish, he's great at making people laugh, he's good at reassuring me when I'm sad, he's great at supporting the Dc with with their hobbies, he's hard working, he's a good provider...

Can't you see the difference?! 🙄

Show quote history

Yes, you are listing different things.

OP didn’t ask for characteristics about her:
I asked him if he could even name one thing he likes about me.

thing is so wide open you could drive a bus through it. You’re narrowing thing into a much more specific category.

Kanaloa · 18/01/2023 23:58

He sounds horrible. You regularly feel he despises you. Move on and find someone who’ll make you happy.

And anyone who thinks he said ‘three things’ the three things were rubbish. OP wants better.

tappinginto2023 · 19/01/2023 00:01

He sounds like a grumpy mid-aged man.
Fuck that spending your one life with someone like that dragging you down.
Your are so young, get away from him and found someone who appreciates you.

Fluffymule · 19/01/2023 00:03

I’m guessing that the OP was hoping her husband would perhaps speak of her being ‘kind’ or ‘funny’ or ‘caring’ or ‘spontaneous’ or ’smart’ or ‘compassionate’ as examples.

His list was a bit ‘I like you when you behave like this (happy, pleasing me)’ rather than recognising actual qualities that make her who she is.

Onnabugeisha · 19/01/2023 00:04

Kanaloa · 18/01/2023 23:58

He sounds horrible. You regularly feel he despises you. Move on and find someone who’ll make you happy.

And anyone who thinks he said ‘three things’ the three things were rubbish. OP wants better.

So, liking to see your partner who struggles with depression happy, thinking they are beautiful and feeling gratitude for all they do for you is “rubbish” 🤪

Bagsundermyeyestoday · 19/01/2023 00:05

I feel sorry fir your DH, mine has done this to me and I hate being put on the spot, especially after an argument when I'm not in positive frame of mind. There's many things I love about him, but I find this quite controlling, immature and manipulative

Onnabugeisha · 19/01/2023 00:06

Bagsundermyeyestoday · 19/01/2023 00:05

I feel sorry fir your DH, mine has done this to me and I hate being put on the spot, especially after an argument when I'm not in positive frame of mind. There's many things I love about him, but I find this quite controlling, immature and manipulative

Especially if it is a test you cannot pass….

Merlott · 19/01/2023 00:12

You sound unhappy OP.

Reading between the lines, all this talk of "mental health" just sounds like when you feel down he withdraws and punishes you instead of caring for you and making you feel safe?

That's not right. No wonder you are miserable. But begging him for more scraps isn't going to help.

It's a big age gap and makes me wonder how vulnerable you were when you met him.

In any case contact GP and self refer for CBT. Put yourself first.

Kanaloa · 19/01/2023 00:15

Onnabugeisha · 19/01/2023 00:04

So, liking to see your partner who struggles with depression happy, thinking they are beautiful and feeling gratitude for all they do for you is “rubbish” 🤪

Show quote history

He didn’t say he felt gratitude. He said he likes it when she’s happy, does things for him, and is beautiful. Those are the things he could think of that he likes about the woman he has been with for almost and decade. All he could think of when asked what he likes is ‘when you don’t complain, when you serve me, and when you are physically attractive.’

Although I remember you from the other thread - you’re the one who obsessively shows up on threads where women are at the end of their tether with men who refuse to contribute in any useful way to the running of the home and pick faults at the woman and what she should be doing to support a man who won’t cook, clean, or raise his kids. So hardly surprising that you think women should jump for joy when a man who she feels despises her says she does things for him.

Kanaloa · 19/01/2023 00:16

And regardless op does not need to stay with a man she feels despises her. There is more to life than that.

Bagsundermyeyestoday · 19/01/2023 00:18

Onnabugeisha · 19/01/2023 00:06

Especially if it is a test you cannot pass….

Show quote history

Erm. There's plenty of things I like about him or I wouldn't be with him, I just don't like someone asking me on the spot. It's actually weird. Don't you like a natural compliment, not one you've asked for??

piedbeauty · 19/01/2023 00:22

I asked him if he could even name one thing he likes about me.

@Onnabugeisha - it's not difficult. 🙄🙄 'Thing' = characteristic of OP.

Don't be a twat.

kalookaloo · 19/01/2023 00:26

@Onnabugeisha

You know exactly what she meant and are being deliberately obtuse and unhelpful.

QueefQueen80s · 19/01/2023 00:31

15 years older! Get out while you can.

EllieM27 · 19/01/2023 00:41

QueefQueen80s · 19/01/2023 00:31

15 years older! Get out while you can.

I had the same feeling. 24 and nearly 40 are light-years apart when it comes to maturity, mindset, and overall place in life. It was a red flag; these relationships always involve a power imbalance. Now she’s what, 33 and he’s 48? And he’s shushing her like a child and telling her he likes when she’s happy? I hope he doesn’t also tell her to smile for him.

Put him in the bin and find someone your own age, OP. You will be amazed by the difference once you’re out of this.

piedbeauty · 19/01/2023 00:46

He's 15 years older?! 😱 He won't change. Get out now.

Mumuser124 · 19/01/2023 00:54

Its Hard going being with somebody who has mental health issues. Sometimes you don’t like them, but it doesn’t mean you don’t not love them or support them.

I think your DP sounds kind, maybe abit avasive but you had just had an argument. Maybe you could ask him on a day when it’s easier to feel positive (no arguments).

AcrossthePond55 · 19/01/2023 01:48

If you asked my DH of 35 years that question he'd probably have a hard time coming up with something right off the bat simply because what we 'like' about each other isn't something we really think about. We just like and love each other without thinking much about why, it just 'is'.

DH adds so much to my life and greatly to my happiness, and I'm glad he loves and values me. But my self esteem isn't bound up in what he thinks of me, but in what I think of myself. With him or (God forbid) without him, my self esteem wouldn't change.

I think the OP could benefit from counseling to help build her self esteem and work on her MH issues as best she can. Then she'll be better placed to make a decision on just how much her DH values her. And whether or not it's enough.

beezlebubnicky · 19/01/2023 02:19

I think he probably felt put on the spot. Sometimes telling your partner these things can be hard without a framework to guide you.

I really recommend '8 Dates' by John and Julie Gottman - it sets out ways you can have more intentional conversations about your relationship and how you can set out time to cherish each other no matter how busy you are. It can work for a relationship at any stage.

maybeinanotherlife1922 · 19/01/2023 05:56

VictoriaBun · 18/01/2023 22:57

I've asked mine the same question a few years ago - he answered I make nice meals
I'm amazed I'm still with him !

😂😂😂

mickandrorty · 19/01/2023 06:24

newnamethanks · 18/01/2023 23:01

I hope this tale isn't true. If it is, you need some parenting advice. He is NINE years old. Stop guilt tripping him, he's your son not a prospective lover. Get counselling or you'll have even more problems sooner than you think.

It normally helps if you read the post before you answer.

Original poster
acidreign · 19/01/2023 06:47

I really appreciate all of the replies, thank you. I'm pleased some of you understand why I was disappointed with his reply. The reason I posted was because I really wasn't sure if my reaction was reasonable or not. I suppose it's not unreasonable, but I can't write our marriage off because of it.

If those three things really are the only things he likes about me, we would have a big problem, but given the context of the conversation it is unfair to demand a comprehensive, thoughtful list on the spot.

My mental health has always played a part in our relationship, and I do think in the early days he wanted to be my saviour. Perhaps I have always worried that I was a project rather than a real person to him, and I've disappointed him by not becoming everything he might have hoped I would. He definitely loves me and I don't think wants our marriage to end. He just finds me exhausting/exasperating at times I think. We have great conversations about almost everything, but if the topic strays towards mental illness or even feelings, he gets very frustrated. I think he just thinks he shouldn't need to have conversations that, in his mind, we've already had many times before, whereas I need reassurance sometimes.

OP posts:
Original poster
acidreign · 19/01/2023 06:53

beezlebubnicky · 19/01/2023 02:19

I think he probably felt put on the spot. Sometimes telling your partner these things can be hard without a framework to guide you.

I really recommend '8 Dates' by John and Julie Gottman - it sets out ways you can have more intentional conversations about your relationship and how you can set out time to cherish each other no matter how busy you are. It can work for a relationship at any stage.

Thank you, I have just ordered the book. DH will probably roll his eyes and ask why I'm creating problems that don't exist. I feel like I'm opening a can of worms.

OP posts:
BadNomad · 19/01/2023 06:55

If my DP asked me that question, I'd probably say "You're tall, a good cook, and always smell good." He is also kind, loving, and hard-working, but those are default characteristics to me, as in, I wouldn't be with someone who wasn't kind, loving and hard-working, therefore they don't need to be said. So the stuff I listed are notable bonuses/extras.

Just because he didn't say funny/kind/hard-working, it doesn't mean he doesn't think you are those things.