I asked DH of 9 years if he can name anything he actually likes about me

[acidreign]

I would genuinely welcome any opinions on this conversation I had with DH a few days ago, as I've been ruminating on it since and don't know whether I'm right to feel as sad as I do about it.

This was after an argument but when we were calm again and making up. I was feeling quite low and told him that sometimes it feels like he really despises me and I have often felt like he simply doesn't like me, and isn't that quite sad after being together for so long? I asked him if he could even name one thing he likes about me. He cuddled me, told me to shush (as if he was trying to soothe me), told me he loved me. I asked him again and told him it was a serious question. He responded after a few seconds "I like it when you're happy, and I like all the things you do for me". Then told me I'm beautiful. I asked if there was anything about my personality he actually liked, and he said "I just told you, I like you when you're happy". I've been feeling a bit down about this ever since as I could write a long list of things I like about him.

Do I have any right to be sad? Is this just me trying to make a big deal out of nothing or would you also be sad at this response?

This. If I ask my DH the same question, his answer would be " I think you are great and I love you". If I ask him why I'm great, he would look at me like I've grown horns and say "because you are".

My DH is a good one but him, like most men I've met (excluding my father) are not able to have a deep conversation about feelings in a relationship.

Take a leaf out of his book and don't overthink his answer.

Thank you again all for such thoughtful comments.

In response to people who have asked what I would have liked DH to say, I suppose just some sort of indication that I'm not a horrible person, or a horrible person to be around. Perhaps that he thinks I'm kind, caring, affectionate, loving, that I make him laugh, that he likes how passionate I can get about certain topics, that I care for and connect with animals, that I'm determined and reliable, that I'm clever and good at [whatever]. The problem is I don't believe those things about myself, and I don't really believe I have much of a personality at all, so I suppose his inability to name something about my personality he likes validates my fears that my entire brain and life has been consumed by anxiety and - probably primarily - anorexia/bulimia. I can't actually ever remember him saying anything nice about any aspect of my personality.

He is a kind and supportive partner day to day. He does a lot for me, and I do a lot for him. I think this is a 'me' issue. I wish he was able to truly understand my mental health issues, and I wish he was able to give me the words that would help me, but that probably isn't even possible.

I do understand that living with somebody with mental illness is challenging, as that was how it was with my own mother. That said, I think most days I'm ok to be around - but maybe that is only because I've created a small and very regimented life with as few challenges and uncertainties as possible. Not the healthiest way to live, really, and perhaps more difficult for him than I give him credit for.

so I suppose his inability to name something about my personality

You didn't ask him about your personality, though. You asked him to name "one thing" that he likes. Why don't you try asking him to describe your personality instead. That's how you will know how he sees you.

Oh yes I did read it. Didn't mean to attack so no need to be defensive. The only thing I didn't agree is that it's not OK to relay on other people for validation - we all do to some extent, it's human. It's only a problem when it's excessive or when it fills lack of own self worth. Generally I really liked what you wrote.

I just see so many posts on here always excusing men - that that's the way they are etc and women should stop being needy. All you have to do is scroll through this thread.

In the nicest possible way, you need to allow him to be your husband, not your therapist.

You acknowledge that you have mental health issues, you cant put that on him to solve, and it must be exhausting for him to have act as a reluctant therapist.

You need a professional to talk to and who will help rather than poutting that all on him.

Couldn’t have been clearer!

The things that give me the most joy are, if I'm completely honest, things that are unhealthy and only entrench me further with regards to my mental health. Things such as (warning, this is a bit eating disorder- heavy):

• Having an empty laundry basket and clean, tidy house (I can be a bit obsessive about this but it does make me happy to achieve the perfect state of tidiness at home)
• Getting out of the house at the exact same time each day to start my dog walks, and in general being able to stick to my internal timetable for the day
• Planning, buying and preparing food for a binge (I'm fairly open about this, though I never use the word binge to him)
• Supermarkets - I love scouring the shelves for new junk foods and vegan foods, and follow a lot of instagram accounts that just show and review new food products. I also LOVE finding discounted items that I can allocate to my next binge. This is probably my ultimate joy.
• Being able to eat the exact same 'safe' food every day on non-binge days and hitting my calorie count

Essentially what makes me happy is thinking about food, eating/not eating food depending on what day it is, and achieving a 'perfect' day. I do realise how fucked up this all is.

Whenever I'm feeling my most enthusiastic and happy, DH has a tendency to tell me I'm being weird and 'manic' and need to calm down.

@Lili132 Here though, with a long-term history of mental health issues, there is a genuine need for a professional psychotherapist - a role which cannot and should not be filled by OP's husband.

I understand your wider point, but in reacting to me as if I were numerous previous Mumsnet threads, you were doing a wee bit of not-seeing of your own.

As I said in my original post, after his response I did actually ask if there was anything about my personality he liked. He just said the same thing, about liking me when I'm happy.

Anyway, I really appreciate all the comments but I think I will have to step away from the thread a bit as I'm definitely realising how messed up I am and am now a bit overwhelmed. I don't even know where to begin. It feels absolutely impossible to change.

I think the bit about "liking when you're happy" sounds a bit controlling to me. It is something a controlling man would say, but only you know if that is the case. It fact his actions and responses all sound a bit "off" somehow.

The fact that you feel he despises you is also a bit of a red flag.

Ok just read some more of your posts op (should obviously have started there). It's obviously more complex than the first post implied. Hope you get some help op.

Like other posters, I suspect he was put on the spot and dint think what to say.

On your pov, I can see why it was a let down

• I like it when you are happy isn’t a quality about yourself. More a statement he cares for you (or enjoy the easiness coming with you being happy?)
• you prepare my meals - that’s something you do, not one of your qualities.
• you’re beautiful would have had my back up because it’s so cliche.

I have more issues with other comments you made such as

• ‘he’d love it if I was trying to do more CBT/whatever approach as long as he wasn’t too involved’
• Most days I manage to find plenty of joy (albeit often in ways DH doesn't understand or approve of)
• feel quite stable mostly - although depression, anxiety and eating disorders are still big parts of my life, it is in a less dramatic/chaotic way. I hide it all well.

Now this points out to either the fact your needs aren’t met in the relationship or the fact that your idea of a marriage isn’t quite the same than his (and you might or might not want to change that).

fwiw you’ll have many many people coming and telling you that you have anxiety and therefore ARE hard work. I’d be very careful following that sort of line.
Whilst I will always advocate that illness is NOT a good reason to stay with someone when your needs aren’t met, I also have an issue with the automatic assumption that not being ‘normal’ (as in not being healthy, not having good mental health, having a disability etc…) is something inherently bad and that makes the other person somehow lesser than/hard-work/too demanding etc…. It’s a bit too close to ableism to me.
As you said yourself, you hide it well (like a lot if people with MH or physical health issues). That assumption isn’t ok and only feed the feeling that you are a nuisance to people because you’re ill.

((Hugs))

im sorry @acidreign
None should leave a thread feeling crap about themselves when they specifically asked for support.

Some posters need to think about what they are writing imo.

You've missed the point OP, this is mumsnet, it doesn't matter if you love him and that he's a kind and supportive partner... He's evil, LTB.

For what it's worth, I love it when my DH tells me he thinks I'm beautiful because I don't always feel it (and probably don't look it). Not saying you don't of course.

OP,
I agree with the pp that your partner cannot be your therapist. My DH learned this and I’ve learned when to call in help when he is suffering a sudden depressive episode. He is pretty good now at noting when a downward spiral starts and seeking therapy- most recently when his brother died he just went though work and got counselling without waiting for the depression to start.

Have you ever asked your therapist or psychiatrist about Autism? A lot of what you have written indicate ASD to me- need of a set routine to the minute, needing a stable home environment, happy to eat the same exact meal for up to years at a time (ie eat same exact thing for breakfast everyday).

ASD usually comes with a passionate interest in something bordering on obsessive. Your description of food and passion for finding new foods & then eating them sounds very much like an ASD passion.

These too hint at ASD
“passionate I can get about certain topics” as above
”I care for and connect with animals” many people with ASD find animals easier to communicate with & like than other humans.
“I'm determined and reliable” also traits of ASD.

I only mention as therapy for eating disorders and depression has to be adjusted if the person has ASD (is nuerodiverse) as the usual CBT doesn’t work for people with ASD. I think you said you have had CBT but still struggle massively with depression and anxiety (if I hit see all to reread your posts, this post will disappear so forgive me if I’m remembering incorrectly). ASD and a challenging childhood with parents who are nonsupportive also puts a person at higher risk of developing depression/anxiety and other MH problems.

Anyway, just a thought. Two of my DCs have ASD and you remind me a bit of my older DD who has dyslexia, ASD and anorexia.

I understand Op - Your dh could be my dh!

I asked him the same last year when we were going through a rough patch and he said exactly the same. So basically, he likes the way I look and likes the fact that I facilitate his life and “do things” for him. Saying “ I like you when you’re happy” is very manipulative in my opinion - he may as well just say “I only like you when you’re smiling and jolly - no matter how you’re feeling inside - just pretend you’re happy as that’s when I like you”.

He couldn’t say ONE nice thing about me specifically, about my personality or me as an individual. I know for a fact that friends and family would say I’m: a good friend, loyal, funny, artistic and creative, a great mum, intelligent, confident and assertive, stylish - the list goes on and other people have said all these things about me.

Ive never forgotten that - it’s stored in the resentment bank I have against him along with the many other douchebag things he does/has done.

I think a lot of men see their wife and children as an extension of them, and only enjoy their company when it’s “nice” and easygoing - my dh can’t cope when life gets messy. We met when I was very young and a conventionally attractive/trophy wife type - I sometimes wonder if this was his main incentive for being with me. I never feel like he’s really interested in me as a person or wants to have a decent conversation with me - he seems more comfortable when talk revolves around work/politics/other people.

I think maybe he’s just not a very deep person and I’m more of a thinker 🤷‍♀️

I really think my dh has adhd - interesting.

Haha it’s her husband of mine years, not her son!

He just said the same thing, about liking me when I'm happy.

See to me, that isn't nothing. That's him saying he wants you to be happy because he loves and cares about you. So, when you're happy, he's happy. He's happy you're happy. For you. Not him.

You need reassurance. Hes not making you feel known, let alone treasured.

What do you love about him?

Its nice that he finds you physically beautiful, and enjoys your company when youre in good spirits and feels affectionate towards you. I would use that as a starting point to try and dig deeper. Does he feel proud of you for your achievements? What made him choose you and want to stick around? What does he think of your character and qualities? Tell him that you feel disconnected and insecure and that 9 years in, you want to feel like you know each other as people and friends as well as lovers and companions.

The problem is I don't believe those things about myself, and I don't really believe I have much of a personality at all, so I suppose his inability to name something about my personality he likes validates my fears that my entire brain and life has been consumed by anxiety and - probably primarily - anorexia/bulimia. I can't actually ever remember him saying anything nice about any aspect of my personality.

Mental health issues are extremely difficult to navigate for yourself or your partner. You are asking for external validation from your DH, a validation few men can give you. They have their own biology and hormonal issues to deal with, which often makes them not the best people to tap into their feelings or discuss deep feelings with.

He is a kind and supportive partner day to day. He does a lot for me, and I do a lot for him. I think this is a 'me' issue. I wish he was able to truly understand my mental health issues, and I wish he was able to give me the words that would help me, but that probably isn't even possible.

It's impossible to fully understand mental health issues as outsiders. I have a nephew with mental health issues, and even if we are all supportive, we can't fully understand his feelings. For us to fully understand will mean living in his brain, and much as we've tried, we are not able to do that. The important thing is to accept that you have a kind and supporting partner that's been there with you through thick and thin. Of course there are going to be problems, all relationships have problems, but don't expect from him to give you the validation you need. You have mental health issues and he's a man, it's a double whammy. 😏

I think most days I'm ok to be around - but maybe that is only because I've created a small and very regimented life with as few challenges and uncertainties as possible. Not the healthiest way to live, really, and perhaps more difficult for him than I give him credit for.

Big bravo to you for creating that small and regimented life making it possible for you to enjoy life with your DH. You've managed to control your environment to make it safe for you, it's what managing mental health issues is about.* *

You are living the healthiest life possible with a partner that be may crap about telling you what you want to hear (as most men are) but is still there with you calling you beautiful after 9 years of marriage. Trust me, many marriages don't even reach the 9 year point, let alone a husband calling a wife beautiful at that stage.

Please be kind to yourself, you are doing extraordinarily well.

The thing is the OP asked that question after yet another argument where she felt unwanted, good for nothing most likely, so they calmed down and reality set in, and asked the obvious question... what do you like about me, in my personality, what are you after in a relationship with me, because no matter her MH issues she felt she isn't appreciated by him, that added to her problems.

My advice is, get to know yourself, Get to care for yourself in a real way, seek counseling because unfortunately life isn't set in stone and deviation from schedule almost always happen and you need to find ways to cope with it in a healthy way.

Thing is... love.. love its a mystery, we often love people who drive us crazy might not even be a visible reason of why would i like/love this person, its not something that can be rationalized but what we don't like, that we can tell always.

As long as it's an equilibrium between what you do for him and what the relationship with him brings you and, what he does for you and the relationship brings to him, its all ok, there's no such thing as perfection! but you need to detach/ leave emotions out of it and actually consider what do YOU THINK. not what he thinks, he has a mind of his own, he should be perfectly capable to stop at any point if he s unhappy and you also have that right and opportunity,

This really made me laugh.

Are you embarrassed? Why would you even interpret the thread like that?

I'm not disagreeing with you, I was just using one sentence out of your whole thread to let OP know that her feelings are valid. There is no reason to think that her mental health couds her judgement or that she's overly dependent on her husband for validation. She did mention she manages her mental health and seeks help so that's another subject. The example that she wanted opinions on does not show that she is over relying or needy and I wanted her to know that she has a right to be upset and disappointed. And that is it NORMAL. Because people with mental health issues always question themselves and their sanity and whether they are reasonable. That's the only reason I responded, not to have debates with you or to disagree with you - I even said I liked your advice.

I'm not even responding to people who blame OP or say its normal for men to have emotional maturity of single cell organism. It's a waste of time.

It doesn't matter now anyway because OP left the thread.

OP again - your feelings are valid. Gently talk to your husband.

There is no reason to think that her mental health couds her judgement or that she's overly dependent on her husband for validation

Her mental health doesn't cloud her judgement, it drives the way she sees and perceives her world. What on earth do you think mental health is about? Taking a pill?