After 22 years together he now asks me to pay half?

[Nina55]

22 long-term relationship – unmarried 2 kids

Partner owns a house and pays bills which the 4 of us live in – often referring to this even now as his house / his bedroom verbally.

We have worked together for the last 20 years, perfectly fine, in his company. He pays me 1600 every 6 months, which I mainly being spent on kids, although I do work nearly full time, I do have lots of flexible time to move things about to suit the kids' needs.

Recently, he’s become more controlling and wanted me to do a job for a client I am not comfortable with. I explained the reasons why but he’s just not listening and twisting my reasons back to me.

He’s now saying I don’t want to work/contribute (which isn’t true) and should find another job. Over the last 20 years, I worked very hard to support the company.

I said fine. Then he followed up by expecting me to pay half of all the bills, which he never ever requested before in fact he made it clear it shouldn't when we first met. His financial situation is very good. I feel he’s just being controlling. Or is he right?

Tell me what you think. He says I am crazy and over-reacting …
You can be harsh, I just don't know what to think of this.

What should I do?

I believe all employers are supposed to offer their employees the choice to join a private pension scheme too. This sometimes comes with life insurance & death in service payments too.

Example
You pay 3% into your private pension per month
Your employer pays 3% or more into your private pension per month
This is tax free
With compound interest this can add up to lots over the years ( what would it be for 22 years ?)

Some employers pay 20% or more !

So potentially you have lost the opportunity to have done this if you had been working for someone else

Your partner could have paid himself loads into a private pension & paid you zero !

Just have a think on what you have been missing

Have you been paid

Sick pay
Holiday pay - the legal minimum numbers of days paid holiday per year are also on www.gov.uk

Actually I do. But not every single woman who has ever been in a difficult situation or made a bad choice or had something critical said to her is an abused woman. Not every situation that needs correcting is the result of abuse. NOt every relationship is abusive. Not every problem or obstacle is abuse.

Abuse gets thrown around now in almost every post. Every man is abusive and every woman a helpless, hapless victim of abuse according to this board.

Your whole first paragraph was a “if this was the other way around”, load of Poor Menz wank.

I agree with you that OP has some responsibility for getting herself into this situation, I don’t need to invent hypothetical men and declare what everyone would tell them (making the side point that we’re all sexists) to highlight that. I wonder why you do?

Obviously, but what about this situation where it looks like he’s been breaking the law. Is that not abuse, irrelevant of OPs responsibility in the situation?

If this was the other way around - the man would be given the benefit of the doubt that he had a brain and some responsibility for the situation he was in. That is my point. He would be treated as competent and as having the ability to be responsible and an agent in his own life who could make decisions. He would be seen as someone who could contribute to his own situation. Why can't we give women the same respect?

A man who has his partner working full time for £3200, which she has to use for the children so therefore leaving her with nothing, is clearly a manipulative and abusive man.

It's very clear from the OP's multiple posts that this is a nasty situation.

Harping on about 'not all men' and 'not all women' is unhelpful on this post - which is clear to the vast majority of people

Oh get a grip. Absolutely no one on this thread believes OP is in this situation because she is a woman, or a flower, or a child, or an incomplete being unable to make choices and without agency. They (and I) believe she is the victim of financial abuse, as many men and women have been and are in the world.

One can be an intelligent, competenet person, of any gender, and still end up in an abusive, vulnerable situation. I believe this is what is happening to OP, based on what we know. Something similar but much less serious has also happened to me, and I am fully aware that I am not a delicate little flower, despite my womanhood.

The only person suggesting that the OP is somehow unintelligent for finding herself in an abusive and isolating situation is you. You are the one being disrespectful for suggesting she's in this situation dur to a lack of a brain. Only you.

Breaking the law would be illegal acts and that should be dealt with thought legal channels. OP must be well aware if there are illegal acts happening and her role in going along with that or not over a 20 year span of being activey involved in the business full time. Women are capable of being aware of what is happening around them, of looking into situations, of doing research, of informing themselves about the laws and rights and events in their own lives.

If he is doing something illegally then he should be charged and face the consequences. That is different from OP being an abused slave.

Unfortunately your assertion of what we’d all say to a man, is not actually proof or a fact.

Absolutely. I hope this whole thread doesn't get completely derailed into a weird, topsy-turvy debate about whether women's rights means that it's sexist to believe a woman is being abused... because that must mean we believe she has no agency or autonomy, and also that we're assuming all men are abusers and all women are victims. Difficult to find the real point.

www.gov.uk/government/publications/minimum-wage-rates-for-2023

Hopefully it won't and the decent advice given to @Nina55 won't be lost in the dog-whistling 'but I wouldn't accept that' bollocks (which is essentially what it boils down to with some posters and their belief that they wouldn't end up in that situation therefore it's unbelievable that anyone else would unless unintelligent).

OP didn't say she was being abused. She said both she and her husband were fine with her getting another job at full salary but then he said she would then need to contribute to household expenses and she asked if that was controlling behaviour. It was the posters who told her she was being abused and she is a slave and that she has a right to a full salary and to not pay for anything.

Op only balked at contributing to expenses out of her new hypothetical salary. That was her qustion. And posters told her that would be abusive - to expect her to contribute to expenses - abuse.

OP should definitely, as I have said repeatedly, look into changing the agreement. However I just don't agree the only explanation is that her husband is an abusive slave master and that she has had zero part or ability to play a part in any of this situation unfolding as it has to this point.

Oh, did we get a "if the sexes were reversed" bot? My eyes always glaze over when one of those pops up.

If the sexes were reversed (and they're not, so who cares), it would be just as exploitative and wrong. But there are very very few men prepared to work full time for £3k a year as well as be the nanny and chief cook and bottle washer for someone who keeps a tight hold on all the property and purse strings, makes no commitment or protection, and expects them to be happy about it.

And good for them, it's a horrendous situation to be in so it is great that they tend not to do it. But it's not what's happened here, so please spare us another "if my auntie had balls she'd be my uncle" whinge.

The type of set up though of man running a business and sahm doing work for business eg invoices and then that role developing as kids get older is very common. It sounds like Op is a director and has been receiving a dividend, not an employee.
So all her living expenses paid for by company, phone and car via company. That’s not unusual.
What is unusual is Op is unmarried, friends probably assume they are.
Op also doesn’t appear to know her status in company - is he forging signature or is it a case of sign here and she does.
Obviously a lot to find out on Op’s side and then get legal advice.
I knew an acquaintance in a similar set up (unmarried, 2 teen kids, does admin for him - director of his company for tax reasons) she has money, lives in nice house and nice car. I would never have said anything to her, I can understand how no one has said to op wtf are you doing.

It was the posters who told her she was being abused and she is a slave and that she has a right to a full salary and to not pay for anything

Those comments were clearly in response to how little he’s been paying her for full time work.

I completely agree, the OP lived stress free for 22 years whilst completely clueless about bills contributions and salary. Things changed only when the arrangement is in danger for her going into real world, and having to, god forbid, pay half of everything. Lack of concern for own financial situation is completely her responsability. No one is abusive as OP had the chance snd even encouraged to get any other job. Maybe taking advantage yes this I see. But this is Mumsnet snd if it has a d... is abusive. Heavily biased thst's why I don't bother to go into arguments like this because you will never win.

Really? You haven't seen or paid a bill in 22 YEARS?

I think it's on the books but I get paid by cheque every 6 months. I do believe NI is paid.
You think ... you believe ...
This man could chuck you out of the house tomorrow, & if he hasn't been paying your NI, you won't even have a State Pension to fall back on when you reach 67.

Don't you think it's time you started informing yourself about the essentials of your life?

Sorry you're in this situation, it's really not ideal. You need to pay NI contributions, look into paying voluntary NI, which is what I do as I don't earn enough for my company to pay it.

Or get another job.

You have no idea if her life has been stress free, what a ridiculous thing to claim.

Yes, OP has been ridiculously neglectful of herself and I absolutely hope she learns from this, but that doesn’t mean that her partner hasn’t also been abusive.

Q: how much are the bills?
A: no ideea he sorts them.

Yes, I call this stress free. Because the topic is about finances, is assumed that I mean financially stress free. Stop being ridiculous with the abuse it was an arrangement that op agreed with. She has acces to information to make decisions for herself. She didn't use them becsuse it suited her but now s*it hits the fan.

OP is 'earning' WELL UNDER the annual NI threshold. I would not assume that any NI has been paid, unless as voluntary contributions on a dividend, in which case OP should have clarity as to her shareholding and share class in the company. There are legal rules about dividends.

All payments to you from his company need to have been recorded. All income from the company to you will have to have been through a payroll, or needed you to complete a self-asessment tax return - this even for £3200.

OP have you ever received child benefit? Because there is a possibility that your partner has also stolen your right to a basic state pension. At least if you received child benefit in your name then for those years your NI contributions will have been recorded.

If you call the DWP on 0800 882 020 they can explain your present position. They may be extremely interested to hear about your working arrangements - not so much because of your actual income, because you are able to work for your own company for little or no salary and many people do so, but the fact that you apparently have no idea what your actual employment, tax and NI position is. That almost certainly means that certain paperwork is being withheld from you.

The worst position you can be in OP is that the £3200 has been paid to you by your partner from HIS income and has nothing to do with the company or the work you have done. This would amount to 'housekeeping' money and would mean that you have no financial rights at all. If you can see from the accounts that this is the case, then you need to consult a lawyer urgently.

Truth be told, many women are willing and complicit in the creation of their own financial situations. They do not lack the ability to think " what will happen to me and my children if: we separate, he becomes disabled, he loses his job or business,etc?". It is just easier to coast along with someone else handling all of the finances, and to blame the partner when the foreseeable happens. It is hard to garner much sympathy for someone who willingly arms the weapon and hands it to the abuser.

Threads like this always attract people who are jealous of SAHMs and feel the need to put the boot in. They come across as they are - jealous, petty and nasty. That is their 'real world' I guess.