After 22 years together he now asks me to pay half?

[Nina55]

22 long-term relationship – unmarried 2 kids

Partner owns a house and pays bills which the 4 of us live in – often referring to this even now as his house / his bedroom verbally.

We have worked together for the last 20 years, perfectly fine, in his company. He pays me 1600 every 6 months, which I mainly being spent on kids, although I do work nearly full time, I do have lots of flexible time to move things about to suit the kids' needs.

Recently, he’s become more controlling and wanted me to do a job for a client I am not comfortable with. I explained the reasons why but he’s just not listening and twisting my reasons back to me.

He’s now saying I don’t want to work/contribute (which isn’t true) and should find another job. Over the last 20 years, I worked very hard to support the company.

I said fine. Then he followed up by expecting me to pay half of all the bills, which he never ever requested before in fact he made it clear it shouldn't when we first met. His financial situation is very good. I feel he’s just being controlling. Or is he right?

Tell me what you think. He says I am crazy and over-reacting …
You can be harsh, I just don't know what to think of this.

What should I do?

I don't think you've said how old your children are but sorry if I missed it. You would get NI credits if claiming child benefit up until your children are 12 regardless of your work.

Thank you for writing such a long kind reply. Getting ready for school pick up now.

Thank you to everyone also who has taken the time to help.

Really unfair for a stranger on the internet to offer the OP personal legal advice.

Assuming this thread is real she has already been the victim of misplaced trust. She needs independent advice from publicly accountable professionals - in public.

Teenagers below 16.

With what money is he expecting you to pay half the bills? !!

Agreed. What I have learnt from my own life experiences is that people don't just make choices like this out of the blue, in a vacuum.

You've got to think, why is he ok, as a business owner and professional, with "employing" his own partner for this long, on a nominal wage, and without being absolutely crystal clear what her position is in relation to the business and job? Why? There will be a reason. Even if it is simply that he wants to save money for his business, that's bad enough. Who uses their partner in this way? Disgusting.

You need 35 years of National Insurance contributions to claim a full state pension. You can claim these via working, child benefit or other benefits. You must check yours ASAP
You will need your National Insurance number

Secondly, by law you should have received a pay slip showing your pay, National insurance, tax, per week, month. Also a P60 per year

www.gov.uk/check-national-insurance-record

You can also check your state pension forecast on www.gov.uk

Did you claim Child Benefit for your kids. You will review National Insurance contributions for the years until the youngest was 12.

I'd overlooked the NIC credits. Yes OP, if you claim Child Benefit in your name, then you will get NIC credits until the youngest turns/ed 12. From that point though you won't get anything, so you need to sort out the wages/payroll issue asap at that point to ensure that you get credits. The eligible pay amount is currently £123 a week

If a man contributed basically nothing financially to the family for 20 years but helped out at the family business while the woman paid for all expenses for everyone for 20 years - somehow I doubt people would call him a slave and her aan abusive slave master. That she has a duty to pay him a full salary and pay all expenses and give him half of all assets - despite him living off her in entirety for 20 years.

This arrangement needs fixing but she has lived an expense free life for 20 years. A lot of people would have loved that. Never having to ever worry about a bill or an expense or any financial stress. Lots of people with full salaries are struggling to stay housed and put food on the table and the heat on because life costs money. I am sure some would be very happy to hsve someone say - I will pay 100% of all your expenses, you will never want for anything nor have to pay a cent - in return, I need help at the famiy business. I think OP will be a bit suprised by how much life costs to live on your own and that a salary doesn't make you that rich when you have to pay for everything that life costs.

OP please please please call women’s aid.

This situation is very serious.

All I can think is what. The. Fuck.
So sorry you're being treated like this OP. You're worth so much more.

Absolute bollocks. She works full time hours. She has absolutely no financial control. I don’t know anyone who would be happy with that.

Stop!

OP has no money. No pension. No sure sense of her status as an employee or with the business. A husband she feels wary of standing up to. OP is entirely financially dependent on her partner, and her partner knows this. Stop minimising this situation. Saying "I think OP will be surprised how much it costs living alone" is patronising and nasty. She's not a spoilt child who needs reminding how good she has it. Just stop.

OP, are you in Scotland?

I'm guessing not, but if you were you would have rights under a section 28 cohabitation claim.

You are financially extremely vulnerable

As you are not married, he could kick you & the children out of the property

He has been under paying you for years

He could release you from your job too

I would think you've been abused by him other than financially as well; such men are solely rarely financially abusive. He has kept you and otherwise used you to feather his own nest. The only person he cares about here is him.

How old were you when you met this individual?.

Please @Nina55 , from this moment on, don’t listen to him. You’ve been had. There has been some great advice on this thread, you can move forward from this, but only if you acknowledge what people are saying- that this is financial abuse and coercive control, and that you deserve better and are entitled to it. You need to stop trusting him and believing what he says, because he’s been exploiting you in a quite astonishing way. He’s been keeping you in the dark about company and family finances, as well as depriving you of money that should be yours. It’s heartbreaking that you work all these hours in a job that should be paying you well, and are buying all your clothes second hand.

You must be feeling extremely shocked and disoriented, so please take time to clarify all this in your mind and work out where you’ll go for independent advice. And as PPs have advised, do not tell him that you’re taking advice and digging into your finances.

🙄 there’s always one who has to get their cape out for hypothetical men and what we’d all apparently be telling them (thank god for mind readers). Why not focus on the actual problem at hand? Why is your first thought “but wait, what about the Poor Menz™️”

The OP hasn't helped out in the family business - she's been working full time for £3200 a year.

I'd bet if you balanace it out she has contributed financially MUCH more than her partner has.

Stop minimising financial abuse.

She has agreed to this arrangement for 20 years. Women are not stupid, incompetent, incapble beings. Why do people talk like women don't have brains and have no ability to make decisions for themselves. Women do not exist only at the whim of men. They are dependent children or pets or plants who have no agency or will or insight or judgment. They are not naive, innocent flowers. They can problem solve and weigh pros and cons and make choices about themselves and their lives, and assert themselves just like men can. They are complete humans just like men are. Men and women can make bad choices or good choices. They have agency and autonomy and can act.

Continuing to push this notion - she had no choice, a slave - she is a woman so all she can do is sway in the breeze at the will of man is just an insult to women.

And pretty offensive to people who actually do experience slavery.

My thought isn't actually for the poor menz - they can look after themselves - it is arguing against this idea of poor womenz. Women too can look after themselves. They aren't nearly as stupid of incompetent as some posters belive them to be.

I have agreed since the first post I wrote that the agreement needs to change. I just disagree that she is an abused slave who hasn't been capable of any decision making or problem solving or independent thought for 20 years.

You clearly have no understanding of abusive situations and how they can develop.

The lack of understanding of how incidious and the creep-in of abusive situations is quite staggering on this thread.

Does make you wonder what kick some people get out of having a pop at a poster clearly grappling with the realisation that she is in that situation.