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Original poster

How long into the relationship did you get engaged?

129 replies

mum1993 · 14/01/2023 17:16

I've been with my partner 9 years and we have 3 children and a house together. However, we are not married, in fact we aren't even engaged.

Now don't get me wrong, this doesn't affect our relationship at all but it is something that plays on my mind a lot and with every engagement announcement my heart breaks a little bit more. When I've tried to mention it, he says I'm being dramatic!

Is it normal for me to feel upset about this?

OP posts:
Simonjt · 14/01/2023 17:18

18 months, we married on our second anniversary. If it breaks your heart why haven’t you proposed?

rubydoobydoo · 14/01/2023 17:19

9 years for us! 😅

Have you discussed it with your partner?

Lessonsinchemistry · 14/01/2023 17:21

Engaged after 3 years and married after 4. But I was very clear to my DH that I would not entertain having children without being married. Have you discussed it with him? Depending on your finances/employment status you are also leaving yourself wide open to issues if you split up.

Suprima · 14/01/2023 17:23

Simonjt · 14/01/2023 17:18

18 months, we married on our second anniversary. If it breaks your heart why haven’t you proposed?

‘why haven’t you proposed?’ is always thrown out on these threads

OP has discussed marriage with her boyfriend

he doesn’t sound keen

her proposing won’t change that.

that’s the problem.

Yellowflowerr · 14/01/2023 17:23

Engaged after about 4 years, due to be married this year. If marriage is important to you, you should let them know. I always told my partner that I’d like to be married at some point so he knew that that was important :)

Twizbe · 14/01/2023 17:24

7 years BUT we were 19 when we met and in university. We had to grow up a bit first.

Children before marriage was not an option for either of us.

If you want to get married you need a proper conversation with your partner about this.

You're too far along for some romantic out of the blue proposal.

Present him with the difference between being married and not and see what he says.

If he agrees to either get married or do all the paperwork needed to protect you - excellent

If he says anything about it being 'just a piece of paper' then he has no intention of marrying you.

Suprima · 14/01/2023 17:24

2 years for me. I never got a ‘proposal’. we spoke about marriage from the beginning and he bought me a ring and we got married just before our daughter was born.

CharlotteStreetW1 · 14/01/2023 17:25

A month. Married within six months.

He's taking the piss OP - what is his reasoning for not doing something that would make you happy?

Original poster
mum1993 · 14/01/2023 17:25

rubydoobydoo · 14/01/2023 17:19

9 years for us! 😅

Have you discussed it with your partner?

I have. It was actually his younger brother getting engaged that sparked a really big talk about it and he just said, 'when he's ready!' I just think he feels like I'm being over sensitive.

It's also little things like having a different surname to my children. (I know they could of had mine but I'm quite traditional in that sense.)

OP posts:
Sisisimone · 14/01/2023 17:26

Engaged after 3 months of dating. Took a few years to get married as we went travelling for a year then had to save for the wedding. Been married 22 years.

Have you never discussed getting married OP? Seems odd after 9 years and 3 children that you are completely in the dark about his intentions.

cptartapp · 14/01/2023 17:27

9 years. Met at 20, engaged at 29 and married at 30.
I didn't want a failed engagement or children before marriage so waited until we were ready to actually set a date and plan a wedding before we got engaged. Thats the whole point IMO.

Stockcleandemon · 14/01/2023 17:27

We were living together within about 6 weeks and engaged after about 6 months - we are still together after 15 years of marriage .

Original poster
mum1993 · 14/01/2023 17:27

Twizbe · 14/01/2023 17:24

7 years BUT we were 19 when we met and in university. We had to grow up a bit first.

Children before marriage was not an option for either of us.

If you want to get married you need a proper conversation with your partner about this.

You're too far along for some romantic out of the blue proposal.

Present him with the difference between being married and not and see what he says.

If he agrees to either get married or do all the paperwork needed to protect you - excellent

If he says anything about it being 'just a piece of paper' then he has no intention of marrying you.

I completely agree about the romantic proposal too. I mentioned to him today about just doing a registry office and a party with friends and family and he just said, 'I guess.'

OP posts:
InsertSomethingMotivationalHere · 14/01/2023 17:27

Just coming up to 4 years and he proposed. No kids, no pressing reason, just that it felt the right time. I'm pleased because I'm the higher earner and got a good pension, house in my name, etc. so it makes me feel better he will be protected if something were to happen to me.

QueSyrahSyrah · 14/01/2023 17:27

18 months, married almost a year to the day later.

I'm afraid to say that with the home and the children already it doesn't sound like there's much incentive for him to ever be 'ready' as the only thing it will ultimately change now is your peace of mind (and the children's and your financial security, but if that was a big concern then you'd have married beforehand?).

HashBrownandBeans · 14/01/2023 17:28

Got engaged after 4 months. I’d have married him the day I met him but we both had to get divorced first. Took us a few years to get married though.
Have you even discussed it?

Kerri9 · 14/01/2023 17:28

6 months then got married 5 months later.

MintyPrincess · 14/01/2023 17:28

6 months then married 3 years later

Livpool · 14/01/2023 17:28

Engaged after 3 years - married after 4

Lessonsinchemistry · 14/01/2023 17:29

I don’t think you are being over sensitive but because you have already got 3 DCs and the house I agree with other posters that the romantic surprise proposal horse has bolted a bit.

Have you read up on the benefits of being married (especially as you have DC) and educated him on why it’s important? Have you made it very clear you want to marry and would you be happy with a small wedding just to get the legal bit done? If you’ve already done this then tbh as others have said he has no intention of marrying you and you have bigger problems.

Twizbe · 14/01/2023 17:29

I'm sorry but he doesn't want to marry you.

He's avoiding the conversation and giving useless responses.

It's time for a shit or get off the toilet conversation

bloodywhitecat · 14/01/2023 17:30

Four years. When we first met he made it clear he had no interest in getting married again but things happened to change that and we talked about getting married but we never really did a formal engagement. We married about a year later and had a very happy but short marriage.

I don't think he's sounds like he's ever going to be ready, what are his objections to marriage?

TheMumLife3 · 14/01/2023 17:30

5yrs for engagement, stayed engaged for 7yrs and we married last year

JustWhattheDoctorOrdered · 14/01/2023 17:31

We have been married 30 years, as have most of my friends. We didn’t get engaged and neither did anybody I know. It sounds like something from the 1950s.

CarPoor · 14/01/2023 17:32

8 years but we were young when we met and we both wanted to wait that long

If you want to get married you have to have a proper conversation. It sounds like he doesn't want to be married so you need to be clear that you want to. Either to him or if he's not prepared to then you need to find someone else