Estrangement from adult child

[DesperateParent]

I am trying to find some advice to help me with a really heartbreaking situation that has completely destroyed my family.

My darling DD1, who is at university, has decided to cut off all contact with me and her dad. This came pretty much out of the blue - one day we were exchanging jokey WhatsApp messages as normal, the next I got an odd message that I didn't really know how to respond to so I kept it light, then silence for a bit, then a nasty but vague email in weird formal language basically accusing us of abusing her throughout her childhood. She won't enter into any discussions, says she has seen a counsellor at university and doesn't consider us her parents any more.

We are totally devastated and have no idea what brought this on. Her email was vague, but nothing specific she says is true. We also find it hard to believe a counsellor would encourage her to cut herself off without knowing any background, but maybe that's what they do?

This all happened a year ago, soon after we took her back to university after the Christmas break, and I've been barely functioning since. When we left her at her accommodation, she was completely normal - laughing at me trying not to cry as I left her there, as usual. I contacted someone at the university whose name I remember being mentioned when she started who said he couldn't even confirm or deny to me that she was a student, but that he would always check on a student if a parent were concerned - hypothetically, of course. He was actually very nice while not being able to really tell me anything, but made it clear he would only be able to help if the student asked for help. We were hoping she would eventually recover from whatever she was going through and would get back in touch, but I got another nasty email the other day demanding that I stop sending her money. I presume she has managed to declare herself as independent as far as the student loans people are concerned and has told them she has no contact with us - would they just believe her without checking? We have been sending money monthly since she started.

She tells me in this email that if I reply she will block me - she 'requires' me to just stop the money as she demands. I don't know what to do - in a way she has given me an incentive to write back, as it makes no difference as either way I can't write again. She has already blocked me on WhatsApp and I don't know where she is living. Whatever she says or does, I don't want to stop supporting her as I'm pretty sure she hasn't thought ahead to the fact that she loses all financial support the minute she leaves university. Has anyone been in this situation? Is there any hope I will see my daughter again? Our whole family is in a complete mess because of this. DD1 will speak to her little sister and her cousin, but DD2 feels like she is walking on eggshells trying not to bring up important subjects, and I feel bad about her having to deal with this at the age of 16.

DD1 has a background of mental health issues (particularly in 6th form) and has always struggled to make friends and interact with other people. She is very unlikely to ask anyone for help and I don't know what prompted her to see the university counsellor. I seem to have spent 20 years trying to hold her together and fight off the bullies on her behalf - she seemed so well for the first year and a half at university, then this sudden change.

Sorry this is so rambling, I don't know where to turn.

So very hard for you. Sending huge hugs.

Step back a bit, I know this is really hard but it's what she needs now. She'll be sorting her mental health out with uni. Many have superb support structures and really help their young adults.

Your likely outcome is a few years of her sorting herself out and then she'll approach you.

I wouldn't text, WhatsApp or email her. She's asked you not to. But I would send a small light note/cute card saying she's thought of daily and you are here for her. Short and simple. No blame, no questions, nothing but a simple way back when she's ready.

Post it to the university with her name on. Do this regularly, maybe once every other month. Do it consistently, you won't get a response. It doesn't require her to open it, it doesn't require a response, but it lets her know you are there when she's ready.

She's asked for space and she's processing her past and her current mental health difficulties. Its so hard, stick with it, she'll come right but it may take a while, and I'm talking years.

When she does eventually reach out, be lead by her. She'll be fragile and won't cope with questions.

Do you think there is any sort of cult involvement?

I personally would keep sending the money, and not acknowledge the request to stop, at least for now. And hope that she maybe picks up the phone to talk about the money at some stage - be prepared if she does, staying calm, requesting a meeting to discuss future finaincial support or a lump sum, saying you are not going to respond if it sounds like she is being promted, etc - or whatever you decide in advance would be the best response for various scenarios that might occur by phone

Hello.

I would do what she asks. There may be things that have happened in the past between you that you've not thought through from her perspective. I know it will be impossible but the best way forward is to really respect her wishes. If you ignore what she says now about wanting no money and no contact, it will just confirm to her that you can't be trusted to respect her needs. Give her space and wait for her to come to you. It may be a few years at least. However if you continue to email or send her money when she has asked you not to then the chances she will get back in touch significantly decrease. Try not to think of her as a child who can't think ahead about needing money when she leaves university. There is every chance she is more capable of that. Just think of her as another adult, if a friend asked you to stop making contact then you wouldn't assume that you know better than she does. It's important that she can see that you recognise she is a separate adult and respect her.

Sorry, I meant 'almost impossible' and 'more capable than that'.

I don’t know the ins and outs of your situation, but I would suggest you read this: www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html

Dear OP. So sorry about this, it is so painful. I would do exactly as she has asked you - no Whats App, texts etc and no more money. As Inloveandmarried says above, she will come back in her own time, but unlike her I would definitely NOT send regular cards - she will likely feel triggered and believe you are ignoring her wishes. Send one on her birthday saying you are thinking of her and love her and don't add anything more. keeping .it simp

My brother has done this too, oddly also after speaking to a councillor who has told him that apparently everything that has caused him pain in his life should be removed from it to allow him to heal (we were abused by Stepdad as kids and he has decided that me and DM enabled it and so removed us too from his life) seemingly forgetting that DM and I were also abused, and I was a similar age to him.

We have had to let him get on with it unfortunately, we don't know where he works, or lives, and just have to hope that one day he may come back and reach out.

Don’t send cards or any other correspondence through the university, she’ll say that you’re harassing her and it will escalate the situation. Just respect her instructions and focus on simple self care for you, I would also suggest you see a counsellor yourself.

Don't reply because she will block you and that's your only method of communication. And you can save that for a later date in the future.

Do continue to send the money.
That's a way of showing her you still care.

I agree with a previous poster to send a letter asking the university to forward it to her.

She may not open it. But tell her you are so sorry for anything that has made her feel this way. Tell her you love her and always will. Tell her in the future you would love to regain contact should she choose but you will give her the time and space and you will not contact her again as she wished

Have you (I know this sounds weird ). But watched her outside of the university?

At least then you can see if she has friends , looks happy or indeed still at the university ?

I agree with others that you should respect her wishes as she is an adult. The money thing especially. I have no relationship with my mum (for quite serious reasons related to sexual abuse), but one thing I found especially difficult was that she often used money to try to control me. She would send thousands of pounds and then demand I speak with her, and if I didn't, she'd tell her friends I was taking her money and cut her off to punish her for not giving me more. (I was, at the time, a financially secure professional woman with children in my 30s - I absolutely didn't need or want her money!).

That said, I am also a university lecturer and do a lot of work in pastoral care of students. While I think you should back off from your dd, I do think it would be worth reaching out to her tutor or the director of education in her programme again. You are absolutely right that they will need to respect her privacy and will not be able to even tell you if she is still a student. But if she was my student and I could see she was struggling, having this extra bit of context would help me to figure out how better to support her. I would just make it clear that you want nothing from them or her, and that you don't wish them to tell her you've been in touch. We can often tell that students are struggling, but we don't usually know what is going on in their personal lives enough to be able to refer them to the best services for them. The university does have a duty of care to her.

Don’t send money. If she has declared herself independent she could be accused of fraud.
save it for her in a bank account. Just wait and be there if she changes her mind. No cards etc she needs to know that you have listened to her and will respect her wishes.

One of my friends is in this situation too- almost exactly - her child was advised at Uni to stop all contact with those who stressed him out. (He had previously had Cams support at school).
So devastating but maybe
@Hardly123is along the right lines?

Don't think it's right to send money/ regular cards if they have asked you not to.
So sorry OP, hope the situation is improved in a few years...

Has she asked you to stop sending her any money?
She sounds like she's in quite a volatile state of mind and you could very easily say the wrong thing here so be careful.
I'm semi estranged from my Dad and am quite sensitive to what he says.
I'd comply with her wishes and communicate that you love her and that she can make contact with you anytime. Flagging up with the university that you are concerned is not a bad idea but they probably can't tell you much.

Do you think there's a chance she's in a relationship with someone? One of the first things a controlling boyfriend will do is cut his partner off from her family.

I'd respect her wishes and stop sending money. She may well not have thought that through about how she's going to survive outside university without any money, but you are going to have to let her work that one out. I would be tempted to reply and say everything you need to about how baffled you are because you have nothing to lose if she's going to block you anyway so can't really make it any worse, but only you can decide if that's worth doing as it sounds like you have lost her anyway. Has she said anything to her cousin or sister about why she has done this? My friends daughter did this at 15 and got herself put in care but I think there's a massive back story I don't know about so obviously it is not the same situation but some children do make a decision to cut parents out inexplicably.

Thank you all for your advice - it's hard to know what to do as some say to contact and some not. I think I need to contact the university to let them know that we are here for her if she wants to make contact and maybe I will put the money in a savings account for her, but I don't think there's a way I can do it so she can access it without contacting us, so she probably won't. I think @kateclarke is right about her now realising she's getting more money than she's entitled to and there may be repercussions. I feel very sad and guilty that she is taking money away from students who truly need it, when we've budgeted for supporting her through uni.

We were waiting to see a private psychiatrist before the pandemic (doctor advised we wouldn't get to the front of the CAMHS queue till she was too old) but lockdown put paid to that. I'm very wary of counsellors as she definitely got worse after seeing one here. She seemed to be better after the enforced rest of lockdown and for the first year and a bit she seemed really happy - pleased to be at uni, but also happy to see us for a break during holidays. I really felt that going away and being independent in the safe bubble of university had helped her mental health.

I don't know for sure, but I don't think there is anyone controlling her, although if you read her jokey, casual WhatsApp messages then the email she sent, it would be fair to say these don't sound like the same person. It's as if she's going through some sort of phychosis, and it's very scary. I miss her so much.

Can I just say, please please do not watch her outside of university, as one poster suggested. If you do that it will be evidence to her that you are someone she needs out of her life permanently.

I am estranged from my parents due to abuse. I stopped living with them at 17 and was then with a foster family. At 25 I met them again, just the once, to see if they had anything they wanted to say to me. If they had apologised, told me they loved me, taken some accountability and asked what they could do to fix and improve our relationship in a way that made me feel safe and comfortable, I would have considered letting them back into my life. They didn't, they didn't even mention what had happened, or express any concern or affection, they just cross examined me about where I was living and tried to find out who I was still in touch with so they could then have a point of contact with me. I am now 36 and I haven't seen them or spoken to them since that one meeting when I was 25. You already sound a lot nicer and more caring than my parents were though!

If she does get in touch with you and ask to talk at any point, that's likely to be your chance at reconciliation, so really prepare for that if you can, do the thinking in advance. Before you take any chances to talk to her, talk to someone who disagrees with you first, who sees her perspective. Maybe go and see a family therapist on your own and try and get a different perspective on what happened and think about her point of view. If you listen to people who disagree with you and listen to people who criticise you or say things about your relationship with your daughter that make you uncomfortable, you will have a much better chance at seeing your daughter's perspective and then if she does offer you the chance, you will have a much better opportunity at reconciliation.

A counsellor will try and guide a client towards minimising aspects of their life that cause them distress or hurt. A counsellor won't promote family relationships just for the sake of it, they will focus on whether the relationship is impacting their client's mental health. So depending on what she shared with the counsellor, the sessions could have led her to conclude it's best to minimise contact.

I guess a helpful question might be, what were the jokey messages about? If they immediately preceded her cutting contact, were there any clues there? Did the email state what it was that happened that hurt her? Sometimes when things are hard to hear, it's not because they're 'nasty', it's because they're too difficult to face and accept.

Sorry, I know this is a really hard hitting post, but it sounds like you are still at a point where this may be salvageable if she gets in touch again one day, it's just that in these situations often the relationships don't get salvaged as the reflection and the work is too hard and challenging, so the relationship is permanently lost.

I wish you all the best. My mother will now be 78 and my father 81 and they have never known me as an adult. I hope it turns out differently for you :)

What did she accuse you of? Maybe it’s worth listening to her about that and trying to understand her point of view. @2023a thats a really interesting website

You can contact the university and tell then her background mental health issues and your concerns. Say that she has requested that you stop sending money and you will do so, but consider her vulnerable and in crisis. They can't tell you if she's still attending or of any support they give her, but flagging her up should she still be attending will start some action - even if they can't tell you about it.

OP when she says you were abusive, what is she saying happened ? That you were violent ? Or a more vague “controlling” etc ?
The swift change is very worrying, especially in someone with existing mental health issues. Heartbreaking for you, it must be bloody awful having no contact like this, not knowing what has happened. Did you try to go and see her in person a year ago ?
It does sound as though she is mentally unwell, eg some sort of breakdown, or delusional thinking. Is there anything truthful in the things she is accusing you of, even if exaggerated?
In your place I would go to see her and try and talk in person, even if she sends you away at least you will get some sense of how she is.
The alternative is to simply stay put, not contact her, and hope that she eventually contacts you, but as it has been a year she may not do that, the longer it goes the harder it can be for someone to get in contact again.
So sorry Op, a terrible situation.

I agree with this.

Oh dear ... how horrible.

Could you put the money in an account that your DD2 has access to... and let her know that if DD1 ever needs help, that it is there?

It will be difficult for DD2 but she will benefit from knowing that your love is unconditional and that your support comes with no strings attached.

I think the suggestion to contact the university is a good one.. it will let them know that she is vulnerable, which she is.

I would be tempted to write one last card...

Dear DD, we love you, unconditionally, and will always be here for you. Love Mum and Dad.

PS. If you need money, DD2 has access to money which she can transfer to you.

Hi, This sounds similar to a situation we had with our daughter about 5 years ago. She'd had some MH problems in 6th form - mainly with disassociation. She'd sort of switch off and then come round hours later and find herself miles from where she should be. A couple of times people found her and she couldn't speak so they called an ambulance. The summer break after 6th form seemed to do her the world of good and she happily started Uni. Thankfully the Uni was only half an hour from home. After the first Christmas she decided that we were the cause of her problems and she cut all contact with us and with her siblings. The Uni were great, and probably told us more than they should, so we knew she was alive, safe and had a roof over her head, although she was not attending lectures and seemed to have a very dubious boyfriend, who we later found out was physically, mentally, and financially abusive. I also managed to have a couple of discreet FB Messenger conversations with her friend.
Things came to a head one day when she disappeared during a night out. Her friend let us know she'd gone. 3 days later someone 120 miles away rang my wife in answer to an appeal she'd put on FB. This lady had found our daughter in a field near her house. She was very disorientated and couldn't talk. We collected her and brought her home. She dropped out of Uni and spent a year at home with us. During that time she got mentally stronger and she then went back to Uni and started again.
The happy ending to this is that she graduated with a First and now lives happily with a fantastic boyfriend and has a job. Our relationship is better than ever.

My advice to you is to speak to the university to at least let them know that you care. Stop the money if that is what she wants. I wouldn't have been able to resist going to the Uni to 'spy' on her to see that she looks safe and has friends. Can you contact any of her Uni friends for a discreet chat? Other than that it's a horrible and upsetting waiting game. Best of luck to you.

This is a good idea. I can well imagine how helpless you feel @DesperateParent .

Hopefully this crisis will pass and she will be able to communicate with you properly.

I don’t know if you feel there is any grain of truth in what she had accused you of. If it’s both her parents or just one of you. Or if it is all so vague that you don’t know.

It really is. No idea if it’s applicable to OP’s situation, but I certainly think it might help her to examine the reasons that her DD has given, as opposed to dismissing them as ‘nasty, vague and untrue.’

What are they? Why might her DD feel this way? When she says her DD refused to engage in subsequent conversation, was she attempting to engage (in good faith) with the points that had been made it was she dismissing them?

And so on.