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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Estrangement from adult child

285 replies

DesperateParent · 12/01/2023 10:04

I am trying to find some advice to help me with a really heartbreaking situation that has completely destroyed my family.

My darling DD1, who is at university, has decided to cut off all contact with me and her dad. This came pretty much out of the blue - one day we were exchanging jokey WhatsApp messages as normal, the next I got an odd message that I didn't really know how to respond to so I kept it light, then silence for a bit, then a nasty but vague email in weird formal language basically accusing us of abusing her throughout her childhood. She won't enter into any discussions, says she has seen a counsellor at university and doesn't consider us her parents any more.

We are totally devastated and have no idea what brought this on. Her email was vague, but nothing specific she says is true. We also find it hard to believe a counsellor would encourage her to cut herself off without knowing any background, but maybe that's what they do?

This all happened a year ago, soon after we took her back to university after the Christmas break, and I've been barely functioning since. When we left her at her accommodation, she was completely normal - laughing at me trying not to cry as I left her there, as usual. I contacted someone at the university whose name I remember being mentioned when she started who said he couldn't even confirm or deny to me that she was a student, but that he would always check on a student if a parent were concerned - hypothetically, of course. He was actually very nice while not being able to really tell me anything, but made it clear he would only be able to help if the student asked for help. We were hoping she would eventually recover from whatever she was going through and would get back in touch, but I got another nasty email the other day demanding that I stop sending her money. I presume she has managed to declare herself as independent as far as the student loans people are concerned and has told them she has no contact with us - would they just believe her without checking? We have been sending money monthly since she started.

She tells me in this email that if I reply she will block me - she 'requires' me to just stop the money as she demands. I don't know what to do - in a way she has given me an incentive to write back, as it makes no difference as either way I can't write again. She has already blocked me on WhatsApp and I don't know where she is living. Whatever she says or does, I don't want to stop supporting her as I'm pretty sure she hasn't thought ahead to the fact that she loses all financial support the minute she leaves university. Has anyone been in this situation? Is there any hope I will see my daughter again? Our whole family is in a complete mess because of this. DD1 will speak to her little sister and her cousin, but DD2 feels like she is walking on eggshells trying not to bring up important subjects, and I feel bad about her having to deal with this at the age of 16.

DD1 has a background of mental health issues (particularly in 6th form) and has always struggled to make friends and interact with other people. She is very unlikely to ask anyone for help and I don't know what prompted her to see the university counsellor. I seem to have spent 20 years trying to hold her together and fight off the bullies on her behalf - she seemed so well for the first year and a half at university, then this sudden change.

Sorry this is so rambling, I don't know where to turn.

OP posts:
MonsoonMadness · 19/01/2023 22:06

HotWashCycle · 12/01/2023 15:30

Just wanted to add that when I was estranged from my DM (my choice) for a few years, what would have made all the difference in the world to me is if she had offered to try and put things right - to ask me what was wrong. But she did not, presumably to protect her own feelings. When she did try to contact me it was to make herself feel better. So do respect her wishes about contact, but perhaps write once to say as suggested on previous page of this thread, that you love her and are always there, but also offer to try and understand what she is unhappy about. And if she does respond, really listen, don't argue back, deny or self justify.

I agree with this. Having been NC with my own mother for several lengthy periods. No willingness from her side to try and understand or apologise. Just self justification.

saraclara · 19/01/2023 22:20

I had to stop reading this thread a few days ago, because I found so many responses unfairly judgemental and unempathetic. There was so much projection and filling in of gaps with posters' own assumptions. I couldn't imagine how painful that must have been for the OP, and I began to feel upset for her.

So I'm glad to find.(on this last page at least which is all I've chosen to read today) at least a couple of people who are looking at the issue objectively and empathetically.

While few people will ever know the facts and emotions behind situations like this, taking one side over another so aggressively is irrational and hurtful. Clearly both sides will be struggling here.

lifeinthehills · 19/01/2023 22:27

I have to admit, I have got more sympathetic to my parents as I've got older. Eventually I shifted from the child view of parents as being all in control and powerful to seeing them as being fallible humans, just like me. That doesn't mean I don't have things I am still unhappy about or that I think they should have known better about, but humans in general, I've come to understand are all living messy and imperfect lives.

I would never want to be a child again. By contrast, my children have all been very positive about their childhoods. Sometimes I think they think it's too good and I want to say, hold on, I know I made mistakes and there are things I'd do differently, it wasn't perfect.

I'll keep an open mind. I've seen grown children tell what I know are provable lies about parents before. I do also know that there are sometimes serious issues and going NC is understandable.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 20/01/2023 11:51

Unread the thread as a fellow parent with a child with MH issues
so my heart went out to her

but I suppose if you read the thread as someone who was enormously damaged by your parents , you’ll have a totally different reaction

this is why aibu is so risky

as she will naturally focus on the criticism rather than the people who are sympathetic

Idontknowhatnametochoose · 20/01/2023 12:32

saraclara · 19/01/2023 22:20

I had to stop reading this thread a few days ago, because I found so many responses unfairly judgemental and unempathetic. There was so much projection and filling in of gaps with posters' own assumptions. I couldn't imagine how painful that must have been for the OP, and I began to feel upset for her.

So I'm glad to find.(on this last page at least which is all I've chosen to read today) at least a couple of people who are looking at the issue objectively and empathetically.

While few people will ever know the facts and emotions behind situations like this, taking one side over another so aggressively is irrational and hurtful. Clearly both sides will be struggling here.

I absolutely agree with this and is the reason I haven't had anything to add. I feel very sad for the OP.

browlow · 21/01/2023 01:03

saraclara · 19/01/2023 22:20

I had to stop reading this thread a few days ago, because I found so many responses unfairly judgemental and unempathetic. There was so much projection and filling in of gaps with posters' own assumptions. I couldn't imagine how painful that must have been for the OP, and I began to feel upset for her.

So I'm glad to find.(on this last page at least which is all I've chosen to read today) at least a couple of people who are looking at the issue objectively and empathetically.

While few people will ever know the facts and emotions behind situations like this, taking one side over another so aggressively is irrational and hurtful. Clearly both sides will be struggling here.

very well put

OkImListening · 28/02/2023 06:54

How are you, OP? Have you heard anything from your DD? Has your other DD heard from her? x

Tramal · 16/05/2023 13:20

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Badromancer · 16/05/2023 13:48

Oh my, this is so sad and stressful. I would contact the University and let them know about the situation and see if they can help
in anyway. She may need some extra support from them. Who knows what she is really thinking or feeling? I hope you can get to the bottom of this. Dont give up on her.

Hardly123 · 15/08/2023 14:56

How are you, I hope things are going ok?

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