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Original poster

Estrangement from adult child

285 replies

DesperateParent · 12/01/2023 10:04

I am trying to find some advice to help me with a really heartbreaking situation that has completely destroyed my family.

My darling DD1, who is at university, has decided to cut off all contact with me and her dad. This came pretty much out of the blue - one day we were exchanging jokey WhatsApp messages as normal, the next I got an odd message that I didn't really know how to respond to so I kept it light, then silence for a bit, then a nasty but vague email in weird formal language basically accusing us of abusing her throughout her childhood. She won't enter into any discussions, says she has seen a counsellor at university and doesn't consider us her parents any more.

We are totally devastated and have no idea what brought this on. Her email was vague, but nothing specific she says is true. We also find it hard to believe a counsellor would encourage her to cut herself off without knowing any background, but maybe that's what they do?

This all happened a year ago, soon after we took her back to university after the Christmas break, and I've been barely functioning since. When we left her at her accommodation, she was completely normal - laughing at me trying not to cry as I left her there, as usual. I contacted someone at the university whose name I remember being mentioned when she started who said he couldn't even confirm or deny to me that she was a student, but that he would always check on a student if a parent were concerned - hypothetically, of course. He was actually very nice while not being able to really tell me anything, but made it clear he would only be able to help if the student asked for help. We were hoping she would eventually recover from whatever she was going through and would get back in touch, but I got another nasty email the other day demanding that I stop sending her money. I presume she has managed to declare herself as independent as far as the student loans people are concerned and has told them she has no contact with us - would they just believe her without checking? We have been sending money monthly since she started.

She tells me in this email that if I reply she will block me - she 'requires' me to just stop the money as she demands. I don't know what to do - in a way she has given me an incentive to write back, as it makes no difference as either way I can't write again. She has already blocked me on WhatsApp and I don't know where she is living. Whatever she says or does, I don't want to stop supporting her as I'm pretty sure she hasn't thought ahead to the fact that she loses all financial support the minute she leaves university. Has anyone been in this situation? Is there any hope I will see my daughter again? Our whole family is in a complete mess because of this. DD1 will speak to her little sister and her cousin, but DD2 feels like she is walking on eggshells trying not to bring up important subjects, and I feel bad about her having to deal with this at the age of 16.

DD1 has a background of mental health issues (particularly in 6th form) and has always struggled to make friends and interact with other people. She is very unlikely to ask anyone for help and I don't know what prompted her to see the university counsellor. I seem to have spent 20 years trying to hold her together and fight off the bullies on her behalf - she seemed so well for the first year and a half at university, then this sudden change.

Sorry this is so rambling, I don't know where to turn.

OP posts:
BlandSoup · 12/01/2023 14:24

Yeah exactly. It does sounds like the daughter has said why she’s upset. But OP doesn’t want to hear it. I feel like it must be quite uncommon for a child to cut contact for no reason at all. I don’t think people really do that. Unless I’m an abusive relationship maybe or somehow got drawn into a cult.

caringcarer · 12/01/2023 14:34

This happened to my dniece too, also after seeing a counsellor. She broke my sister's heart. She is eldest child and my sister and her DH had 4 DC so had to work a lot of hours to provide for them. She did occasionally ask eldest child who was 16+ to please watch her younger sister who was 11.ig her and her DH shifts clashed. This was about once every 3 weeks. She was paid to watch her sibling for about 3 hours on a Saturday. She went off to uni perfectly fine. 1st year perfectly normal but during second year she saw counsellor and now claims she was treated like Cinderella by her parents. I know this is not true as I know she had lovely holidays, lots of clothes, allowed friend sleepovers, days out etc. She refused to invite her parents to her graduation. It was so painful fory sister. She actually invited me and her boyfriend as allowed to invite 2. I could not go as would have betrayed my sister. Niece no longer speaking to her parents or not me either now because I told her I could not go to her graduation if her Mum was not invited. She has not spoken to any of us for 4 1/2 years now.

Lillysmamma · 12/01/2023 14:45

I am someone who is NC with my family.
The things that would have made me reconsider that situation would have been if my family had acknowledged my feelings, respected my boundaries, acknowledged the pain they had caused me, apologised or showed any remorse, or showed me that they could change their behaviour towards me. Or if they would have shown a willingness to see things from my perspective and talk things through calmly.

The things that concreted my feeling that I was right to go NC were the things they did - they sent generic cards that felt dismissive of the situation, they denied everything and said I was bullying them by pointing out the things they did that hurt me, they told me I was mentally unwell, they ganged up on me to make me feel on the outside on my own, they stalked me, they contacted people I knew and smeared my name to them. They ultimately threw me under the bus and implied I was mentally unstable so that they didn’t have to face or admit what they had done to me - do not do any of these things if you want to salvage a relationship with your daughter.

Tekkentime · 12/01/2023 15:17

In a couple of years she might contact you again.
Having had time to create distance from you, she might feel a bit of contact every so often is then doable.
So give her space to live without you.
Time is a healer as in it creates emotional distance to where she's not as impacted anymore.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 12/01/2023 15:24

We have had to let him get on with it unfortunately, we don't know where he works, or lives, and just have to hope that one day he may come back and reach out

Just to say that my brother cut off contact for 15 years then emailed me out of the blue and we're now back in touch. I have no idea why, although I have my theories.

Suzi89 · 12/01/2023 15:28

Hmmm. My parents were abusive/dysfunctional. I am very low contact. Not in a million years would they agree they were abusive and I’d never confront them about it because they’d never acknowledge it or accept responsibility. It’s hard to know who is right because people are abusive usually think everyone else is the problem.

Suzi89 · 12/01/2023 15:29

It does sounds like the daughter has said why she’s upset. But OP doesn’t want to hear it.

Yep. 🚩

HotWashCycle · 12/01/2023 15:30

Just wanted to add that when I was estranged from my DM (my choice) for a few years, what would have made all the difference in the world to me is if she had offered to try and put things right - to ask me what was wrong. But she did not, presumably to protect her own feelings. When she did try to contact me it was to make herself feel better. So do respect her wishes about contact, but perhaps write once to say as suggested on previous page of this thread, that you love her and are always there, but also offer to try and understand what she is unhappy about. And if she does respond, really listen, don't argue back, deny or self justify.

soberfabulous · 12/01/2023 15:39

Another person asking what exactly is she accusing you of when it comes to abuse? Do you feel she's wrong here? Did she give examples?

My parents were both functioning alcoholics when I was a child. On the surface we had a lovely life. Nice home. Private school. But the truth is I was emotionally neglected and trying to hide the shameful secret of alcoholism and run the house.

I'm not saying this is you, but if you ask my parents they would say they "did their best" and that I turned out ok so what am I composting about. They have zero self awareness.

CableTidy · 12/01/2023 15:48

Suzi89 · 12/01/2023 15:28

Hmmm. My parents were abusive/dysfunctional. I am very low contact. Not in a million years would they agree they were abusive and I’d never confront them about it because they’d never acknowledge it or accept responsibility. It’s hard to know who is right because people are abusive usually think everyone else is the problem.

This

Hbh17 · 12/01/2023 15:58

Please respect her wishes. She is an adult, and has made her own choices. Someone suggested you go to see her - please don't, because it will panic her, probably make her feel worse than she already does and possibly end any chance of a reconciliation with her.
If you want to keep money for her, maybe put it on deposit so that you can give it to her IF she ever requests it.

NotAnotherBathBomb · 12/01/2023 15:58

I know this is not true as I know she had lovely holidays, lots of clothes, allowed friend sleepovers, days out etc.

This is the exact reason behind the name of the long-running parental abuse thread 'but we took you to stately homes'

People don't go no contact for no reason

saraclara · 12/01/2023 16:02

SirVixofVixHall · 12/01/2023 14:05

I agree with this.

Show quote history

This is what I would do, too.

You need the university to be aware of her past MH issues so that they can fulfill their own safeguarding requirements.
The line about you considering her to be vulnerable and in crisis is the important one. If they are made aware of that, they then have a responsibility for her.
She will probably already have a personal tutor who is responsible for pastoral care. Hopefully the university would contact that person. Of course no-one will be able to feed anything useful back to you, but at least you will have done all that you can to ensure that she is kept as safe as possible.

I can't imagine what you're going through. Can you get some talking therapy for yourself? And of course there's a chink of light in that she is still communicating with her sister. It's a tough gig for the younger one, but if she can hang in there with your support, even if it's very superficial conversation, it still keeps a channel open. Best of luck to you all.

saraclara · 12/01/2023 16:05

NotAnotherBathBomb · 12/01/2023 15:58

I know this is not true as I know she had lovely holidays, lots of clothes, allowed friend sleepovers, days out etc.

This is the exact reason behind the name of the long-running parental abuse thread 'but we took you to stately homes'

People don't go no contact for no reason

Can we stop with the victim blaming? Yes, many (the majority?) of those who go no contact have good reason. But sometimes those with chronic mental health problems do so without there being a reason outside of ther MH condition. Especially if psychosis is involved.

This is a very difficult situation, so let's not add to OP's troubles.

NotAnotherBathBomb · 12/01/2023 16:09

saraclara · 12/01/2023 16:05

Can we stop with the victim blaming? Yes, many (the majority?) of those who go no contact have good reason. But sometimes those with chronic mental health problems do so without there being a reason outside of ther MH condition. Especially if psychosis is involved.

This is a very difficult situation, so let's not add to OP's troubles.

Show quote history

OP brought her troubles to the board, people are free to give their opinions.

besides, my comment you quoted was not directed to the OP, I was quoting another PP who was saying that and I was simply pointing out that ‘nice clothes’ doesn’t mean a person hasn’t suffered.

also, you don’t seem to understand how ‘victim blaming’ works.

SirVixofVixHall · 12/01/2023 16:10

saraclara · 12/01/2023 16:05

Can we stop with the victim blaming? Yes, many (the majority?) of those who go no contact have good reason. But sometimes those with chronic mental health problems do so without there being a reason outside of ther MH condition. Especially if psychosis is involved.

This is a very difficult situation, so let's not add to OP's troubles.

Show quote history

I agree with this. I have a lovely friend who has three adult children, one of them stopped all contact at 21, decades ago now, after a mental health crisis and involvement in a cult. It isn’t always down to an abusive upbringing. She loved her son very much, and is very close to her other children who were also devastated to lose all contact with their sibling.

yorkshirepudsx · 12/01/2023 16:12

Suzi89 · 12/01/2023 15:28

Hmmm. My parents were abusive/dysfunctional. I am very low contact. Not in a million years would they agree they were abusive and I’d never confront them about it because they’d never acknowledge it or accept responsibility. It’s hard to know who is right because people are abusive usually think everyone else is the problem.

This 10000%.

Sometimes it takes for a child to grow up and leave an abusive environment for them to realise that it was in fact abusive. A lot of parents don't want to accept the harm they have actually caused.

I would refrain from contacting her etc, you'll only make things worse. Give her time.

Thedaysthatremain · 12/01/2023 16:12

Everyone whose child goes non contact for 'no reason' claims it's because of their mental health. It's text book.

TheFormidableMrsC · 12/01/2023 16:17

Thingsdogetbetter · 12/01/2023 13:49

You can contact the university and tell then her background mental health issues and your concerns. Say that she has requested that you stop sending money and you will do so, but consider her vulnerable and in crisis. They can't tell you if she's still attending or of any support they give her, but flagging her up should she still be attending will start some action - even if they can't tell you about it.

I agree with this. I would be completely upfront with the uni about what has happened. Save the money for her in the meantime. Don't try and contact her. To be clear, she has said that she doesn't want you to. This is enough for her to go to the police and say you are harassing her. It's not worth it. I can't imagine how painful this must be for you, I have a similar aged daughter myself, but I do think you have to take a step back from this for the time being Flowers

Suzi89 · 12/01/2023 16:19

saraclara · 12/01/2023 16:02

This is what I would do, too.

You need the university to be aware of her past MH issues so that they can fulfill their own safeguarding requirements.
The line about you considering her to be vulnerable and in crisis is the important one. If they are made aware of that, they then have a responsibility for her.
She will probably already have a personal tutor who is responsible for pastoral care. Hopefully the university would contact that person. Of course no-one will be able to feed anything useful back to you, but at least you will have done all that you can to ensure that she is kept as safe as possible.

I can't imagine what you're going through. Can you get some talking therapy for yourself? And of course there's a chink of light in that she is still communicating with her sister. It's a tough gig for the younger one, but if she can hang in there with your support, even if it's very superficial conversation, it still keeps a channel open. Best of luck to you all.

Show quote history

Oh god. PLEASE do not do this. This reminds me of the time I tried to go no contact with my father and he started making social service calls because I was obviously “mentally unwell” for trying to cut him off. Why do you think OP is being a vague about the email her daughter sent??? Why doesn’t she just say what her daughter actually said? Because she doesn’t want to as I’m sure it makes her look bad.

This woman needs to leave her daughter alone and have boundaries. You have no idea if she was abusive or not. Often it takes an outside person to help you realise your dysfunctional childhood was not normal.

Luckynumbereight · 12/01/2023 16:28

Are you 500% sure it’s your daughter sending these messages and not someone who has access to her phone?

saraclara · 12/01/2023 16:34

Thedaysthatremain · 12/01/2023 16:12

Everyone whose child goes non contact for 'no reason' claims it's because of their mental health. It's text book.

...and sometimes it's actually the case.

DD1 has a background of mental health issues (particularly in 6th form)

Again, the university needs to know that. There have been cases where students have taken their own lives (not that I'm saying that OP's DD is likely to) and the university has been blamed for not safeguarding their students. So they are much more on the ball.

OP can ask that they not disclose that she's been in touch, and that they use the information sensitively. But at this point, someone does need to be looking out for the girl. And of course, even if you're right and the parents have brought this on, the university STILL has a vulnerable and erratic student on their books, and need to safeguard her.

Suzi89 · 12/01/2023 16:38

saraclara · 12/01/2023 16:34

...and sometimes it's actually the case.

DD1 has a background of mental health issues (particularly in 6th form)

Again, the university needs to know that. There have been cases where students have taken their own lives (not that I'm saying that OP's DD is likely to) and the university has been blamed for not safeguarding their students. So they are much more on the ball.

OP can ask that they not disclose that she's been in touch, and that they use the information sensitively. But at this point, someone does need to be looking out for the girl. And of course, even if you're right and the parents have brought this on, the university STILL has a vulnerable and erratic student on their books, and need to safeguard her.

Show quote history

Oh my god you realise children who grow up in bad environments will usually end up with MH issues right? So that’s not something that’s in the OP’s favour. And it’s another way of gaslighting her daughter that she’s the one with issues. I tried to commit suicide when I was 17 because of my awful, abusive father, by your logic I was the “crazy” one when he’s a maniac whose been violent to atleast 4 women.

Suzi89 · 12/01/2023 16:40

And funnily enough as soon as I was away from my abusive parent all my “MH issues” suddenly vanished.

saraclara · 12/01/2023 16:41

Suzi89 · 12/01/2023 16:38

Oh my god you realise children who grow up in bad environments will usually end up with MH issues right? So that’s not something that’s in the OP’s favour. And it’s another way of gaslighting her daughter that she’s the one with issues. I tried to commit suicide when I was 17 because of my awful, abusive father, by your logic I was the “crazy” one when he’s a maniac whose been violent to atleast 4 women.

Show quote history

I'm so sorry that you had to endure that. But you cannot project your experience on to every young woman with past MH issues who suddenly acts out of character.

I have seen what psychosis can do to a person, and it can't be ruled out in this case.