Estrangement from adult child

[DesperateParent]

I am trying to find some advice to help me with a really heartbreaking situation that has completely destroyed my family.

My darling DD1, who is at university, has decided to cut off all contact with me and her dad. This came pretty much out of the blue - one day we were exchanging jokey WhatsApp messages as normal, the next I got an odd message that I didn't really know how to respond to so I kept it light, then silence for a bit, then a nasty but vague email in weird formal language basically accusing us of abusing her throughout her childhood. She won't enter into any discussions, says she has seen a counsellor at university and doesn't consider us her parents any more.

We are totally devastated and have no idea what brought this on. Her email was vague, but nothing specific she says is true. We also find it hard to believe a counsellor would encourage her to cut herself off without knowing any background, but maybe that's what they do?

This all happened a year ago, soon after we took her back to university after the Christmas break, and I've been barely functioning since. When we left her at her accommodation, she was completely normal - laughing at me trying not to cry as I left her there, as usual. I contacted someone at the university whose name I remember being mentioned when she started who said he couldn't even confirm or deny to me that she was a student, but that he would always check on a student if a parent were concerned - hypothetically, of course. He was actually very nice while not being able to really tell me anything, but made it clear he would only be able to help if the student asked for help. We were hoping she would eventually recover from whatever she was going through and would get back in touch, but I got another nasty email the other day demanding that I stop sending her money. I presume she has managed to declare herself as independent as far as the student loans people are concerned and has told them she has no contact with us - would they just believe her without checking? We have been sending money monthly since she started.

She tells me in this email that if I reply she will block me - she 'requires' me to just stop the money as she demands. I don't know what to do - in a way she has given me an incentive to write back, as it makes no difference as either way I can't write again. She has already blocked me on WhatsApp and I don't know where she is living. Whatever she says or does, I don't want to stop supporting her as I'm pretty sure she hasn't thought ahead to the fact that she loses all financial support the minute she leaves university. Has anyone been in this situation? Is there any hope I will see my daughter again? Our whole family is in a complete mess because of this. DD1 will speak to her little sister and her cousin, but DD2 feels like she is walking on eggshells trying not to bring up important subjects, and I feel bad about her having to deal with this at the age of 16.

DD1 has a background of mental health issues (particularly in 6th form) and has always struggled to make friends and interact with other people. She is very unlikely to ask anyone for help and I don't know what prompted her to see the university counsellor. I seem to have spent 20 years trying to hold her together and fight off the bullies on her behalf - she seemed so well for the first year and a half at university, then this sudden change.

Sorry this is so rambling, I don't know where to turn.

I have a son the same age. If he sent me a message saying i was no longer his parent, i would get in my car snd go straight to him and have ' wtf is this all about ' discussion. Did you go and see her?

This^^

Approaching her university and getting them involved could just push her further away.

She's getting help! That's a good thing, regardless of her relationship with OP right now, she's seeking the help she feels she needs which is a good thing, it's a sign she's self aware of what's happening in her mind and wants to be helped.

I’d put money you were sending her in another account that you can give her when she’s had her space and if she decides to come back. Sorry OP xx

There can be an association but it's not a given. I think the problem is assumption that A = B. Mental health is too complex and multi-factorial for that.

I've also seen the opposite, where those who experienced adverse childhood events come out with excellent mental health and resilience.

Ideally I think OP should hear her daughter's reasons, give them due consideration even if it hurts to hear and uncomfortable truth, and be prepared to apologise and acknowledge. But, if what is being said is demonstrably untrue, like the example I gave of the teen who told everyone their parents were taking all their money when they were actually giving them money, then they don't need to apologise for something they never did.

The main thing is to keep an open mind and really be willing to consider their daughter's perspective honestly, if she gives them that chance. None of us are perfect parents.

@lifeinthehills - this is something else yes, there are so many mental health issues/conditions, that it can be hard to factor that in sometimes

OP -

I think for the benefit of your relationship with your daughter (it may be rocky now but it could very well get better) - I wouldn't approach uni as some have suggested, this could push her further away.

I would give her the space and time she needs, as much as that may hurt, respecting her wishes will work in your favour. It will be hard but if you go in on her with too much, such as contacting uni, showing up, replying, etc etc, it could very much harm any chances you have of rebuilding a healthy relationship.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Sudden estrangement is such a painful thing to go through.

As parents, it can be so hard to see how we may have hurt our children. It’s such an impossible job to get everything right.

When I was 34 I had a mental health crisis and sought counselling. I completely unpicked my childhood and the depressive/anxiety episodes that had followed me through life. This involved looking deeply into where my parents had got things wrong. This isn’t the case for some people, but my parents love me and are well meaning and tried to meet my needs (you sound similar with your Dd). Before counselling I would have described my childhood as normal happy and loving. I still do feel that way but it has been really helpful for me to identify ways in which I was hurt in order to help my MH now.

What I learned was, we are not just traumatised by the bad things that happen to us that shouldn’t (ie violence, neglect etc). We are also traumatised by the good things that don’t happen that should (ie having emotional needs unmet in some way). This sort of trauma can happen in the most well meaning household. (Have a look into the work of Gabor Mate if this interests you).

I guess what I’m saying is your dds feelings are valid even if that’s not how you’ve experienced things as her parents. My mum and dad loved me and physically provided everything I needed , but as one of four I was left to my own devices a lot and I felt I had to attune to the needs of my parents rather than my own, to keep everything on an even keel at home (amongst other things). This caused me to have really unhealthy coping mechanisms in adulthood. I have always felt like a burden. I wouldn’t say we’re super close now but I see them all the time and have a happy light relationship with them. I appreciate that their faults were also caused by trauma in their own childhoods that wasn’t dealt with.

im super conscious with my small dd now to try and meet her emotional needs. However I am only human and will let her down at some point. I think the key is to repair things properly when they go awry and give her the opportunity to tell me when I’ve hurt her or haven’t met her needs. As a child I could never say when I was sad, hurt, down…I spent a lot of time alone with my emotions and it wasn’t heathy - I needed an adult to co regulate with.

I really hope your dd comes full circle and can make sense of whatever it is from her childhood that is still causing her pain in the present. As her parents I’d encourage you to have an open mind, put your ego aside and listen carefully to what she has to say. It’s so hard. I have so much empathy for you & your dd. X

I feel very sad and guilty that she is taking money away from students who truly need it, when we've budgeted for supporting her through uni.

This is a red flag for me. Your daughter is a young woman who has lived with mental illness since she was a child. She is taking steps to make changes in her life, with the support of a counsellor, for her own well-being. In order to do this she is accessing funds available to students in need. She may be wrong about you and your role in causing her mental distress, but she is acting on what makes sense to her, from her perspective, at present. And she is no less deserving than any other young person who might "truly need" financial assistance at university.

It's as if she's going through some sort of phychosis, and it's very scary.

I wouldn't worry about psychosis. If your daughter has been in a psychotic episode that has lasted more than twelve months she wouldn't be able to write an email that read like anything other than jibberish. There are, for example, some homeless people who live with very long-standing psychosis but it's rare, psychotic episodes are usually brief and intense and there is no evidence that has happened to your daughter.

It's hard to read a thread like this without my own experience coming into it. If it's helpful, I have a distant relationship with my mum. She was never abusive but I do think there was a mis-match, and there was noone in our lives who could help breach that. I'm a very sensitive person and my mum is tough (she's had to be, I can see that objectively). My mum wasn't deliberately cruel but I didn't know that as a little one - I just experienced the rebuffs and the dismissals in the same way as if they /had/ been deliberate cruelty.

None of us know the specifics of your situation. But if it's true that, hand on your heart, you can say you were never deliberately abusive of your daughter, then maybe there is something similar that, from her perspective, has been experienced as harm over years and years.

As previous posters have said, if this relationship is going to be salvaged it will be all about you letting go of ego and getting as close as you can, by whatever means possible, to seeing things from your daughter's perspective.

I’d also stop the money, if that’s what she wants. All very odd but I really hope she finds her way back to her loving family

'I feel very sad and guilty that she is taking money away from students who truly need it, when we've budgeted for supporting her through uni.'

OP, are you blaming your daughter (who is accessing services that she is apparently eligible for) for making the lives of disadvantaged students harder? Do you usually slyly blame her for things like this?

If you're really sick with concern for these other students why don't you take the money she's rejected from you and donate it to a scholarship fund for students who 'truly need it'.

I suspect you won't.

Put the issue of money aside for the moment. It is a side issue.

What abuse is she referring to op? What happening in her childhood?
You are going to need to look at every angle, from her point of view, what has gone wrong in her life. Just pointing to mental health issues is not enough, why did she develop mental health issues and what caused them.

You mentioned she had no friends and can not open up, was she bullied and ostracised at school?

I think we need to have the whole picture in order to advise properly.

Sounds. Ery similar to my sister OP, though she was about 30 when she did this. Vague claims of neglect in her childhood and 'flashbacks' to some things but nothing concrete and what she did say that had a bit more meat to it, simply wasn't true (largely around being neglected for her two brothers, but I saw throughout my childhood all the things my parents did for her to make sure she didn't miss out etc).

Unfortunately, I haven't spoken to her in 14 years, I know my brother has had limited contact but think that has been pretty sporadic, though don't ask.

For your situation, I can only suggest you give her time and space. I think a few months is reasonable before trying to reach out and I'd go along with her wishes of no money or attempts to contact in the meantime. I'd be thinking something around Easter time letting her know you love her and are here for anything she needs and that you hope she's doing well at Uni. I'd leave out anything about how you are feeling and keep it at an open offer of support. Only time will tell what she does from here OP and hope it works out for the best.

Many abusers will present themselves as sympathetic and completely innocent of what their ‘mentally ill’ victim has accused them of. It bolsters their ‘wronged’ image and paints the victim as unstable and unreasonable. It’s textbook, actually.

The sudden switch up in the daughter may have just been her finally feeling free and safe due to being away from her parents, thus dropping the pretence.

OP may or may not have been abuser, we don’t know. If she is, it’s probably best she isn’t encouraged to, or given methods of, approaching her daughter.

continuing to contact her when she’s explicitly told you not to could see you slapped with a no contact order, OP. Respect her wishes.

I'm so sorry OP, this sounds heartbreaking.

Living away from home for the first time is a huge transition, and uni can be a difficult place to find your own identity. You're surrounded by people who put on a good show of having all the answers.

I sent my parents a similar letter - in my case, not from uni but much later in life. The whole episode was prompted by me joking with a strong-minded friend about some throwaway remark mum and dad had said, and her saying very slowly and carefully, "And that's all right with you, is it?" It suddenly seemed very important to make a big point to them about showing me more respect.

I was, I thought, very magnanimous about welcoming them with open arms if they ever got the message.

It took me a year or so to realise that my parents had always done their very best for me, and the real problem was my general uncertainty about boundaries.

The "weird formal language" definitely sounds as though she is seeing things through someone else's eyes.

Very hard to know what to do in your position but I'd agree with @inloveandmarried 's suggestion of a regular note just letting her know you're thinking of her, love her and are always there for her. Keep it light and simple with no expectations of a reply. Good luck

Assuming you actually read the whole thing, that’s an interesting and unusual takeaway. To most readers, myself included, it’s very clear how and why the parents in question are at fault. There is no ambiguity.

It appears to me that you lack the fundamental ability to respect your sibling's valid view of their childhood and experience, whether it is matches your experience is irrelevant. Your sister's experience was how it felt to her, it was how she experienced and understood it and regardless of whether she has passed your tests for deciding if it is true or not, it is something that causes her pain and makes her sad and that is the important factor here. It was clearly deeply painful for her, and maybe you don't remember it/framed it in a different way or simply brushed it off.

To dismiss your sister's pain altogether *jimboscott0115, label her flashbacks as 'made up' and fabrication sounds extremely callous to me.

It would have been perfectly possible for you to say to her that you remember it differently but understand it was hard for her in some way, and still remain respectful of her and her own experience. Which may be wildly different from yours and both can indeed by true.

To have stopped speaking to her for fourteen years is unfathomable. So not only has she tried to share her sadness with you only to have it dismissed, she then gets punished with silence for 14 years. And you think this is healthy and functional?

Given she felt neglected due to her brothers, it is hardly surprising contact is limited.

I feel deeply sorry for your sister, she tried to open up and share with you something that happened to her, and you closed her down, and continue to do so. Something tells me about your very unloving response to her, that she is indeed right about the dynamics in your family.

OP I don't want to put more worry but have you spoken to her in person since the messages? If f only to confirm she sent them. You say it doesn't sound like her, please take steps to ensure it was her. Shit situation all round but you need to make sure there isn't someone else sending these.

I've never been in this position so don't know if this is a good suggestion, but I might send a single functional message saying:

I will respect your wishes and not contact you or send you money from now on. But I need to clearly state that if at any point you choose to reverse your decision, you can without hesitation. I am always open to you returning to my life and always will be. Also, should you need money in the future, you are welcome to ask for it. Until then, I hope you thrive and enjoy your new adult life. You deserve to. I love you.

@Swissmountains that is so articulate and insightful. 🙏

Yeah, that bit jumped out at me too (I'm also several decades into NC with a mother who remains "baffled" and doesn't remember anything untoward about the appalling childhood she inflicted on us)

I suggest you read back through the messages your daughter sent you, OP, if you haven't already deleted them. The answers will be in there, even if you find them inpalatable. It's not too late to do some hard work on yourself.

Firstly I feel your pain and I am sure you have been a "good" parent .However no one gets it right all the time .Sometimes I think there is a clash of personalities and this may come into play.Also the oldest child is often expected to be more "Grown up" and behave in a way that they should be more responsible.Parents are only human and unless physically violent or downright abusive ,often are doing their best in difficult circumstances .By all means think about what she has said and see if there is any truth there.I would take a step back at present .Maybe hard ,but she needs some space away from you to work things out.

OP - I'm really sorry that you feel this way. To lose contact this way is very upsetting. If you want a relationship again with your DD, look carefully at posts like the one above - of those who have been in a similar situation to your DD. It is essential to understand and respect your DD's point of view on this if you want a future relationship with her. The answers will be in the email and texts she has sent you.

People don't go NC with their family without good reasons. But those who have usually state that they want their parents to do exactly what @Lillysmamma has said - but the trouble is that the parents don't or simply don't accept what has been said or deny or justify or rewrite history.

Please respect her wishes and don't contact her, send her money or even speak to her Uni. If you bombard her with messages of love and money, it is likely to make her angry and prove that you don't listen to her and what she wants. Wait for her, be prepared to talk to her and for now, whether you agree with her version of events or not, do whatever else she asked of you in her messages. I do hope you find your answers.

I have no contact with my Mother. She left at 10 and I last saw her when I was 20. I don't want a relationship with her (she sounds nothing like you btw you sound lovely) but the one thing I do want is a birthday card and Xmas card. That's enough for me from her (just as well as she won't let me have her address etc) but some years nothing arrives and it's devastating. This year no Xmas card. So I would do exactly what she asks, no more money no more communication etc but I would write a note saying you agree to what she has asked but at anytime she can reach out to you, keep it simple. I wouldn't advise talking to Uni, she wants to control the relationship between you so this would I suspect make her very angry and push her further away. Best of luck.

You were almost convincing, OP.

Then came the additional post about being sad that ''she is taking money away from students who truly need it'' and the mention of being wary of therapists and her having a ''psychosis''.

I also found it odd that you also never expressed surprise at the claims of abuse in your initial message. Just shock at the fact that she was cutting you off suddenly.

The repeated mentions of money is also a red flag. Very often it is used as a mean of control presented as generosity.

As someone who has had to distance herself from and then cut off toxic parents, I believe that the majority of people would not do this lightly and without any reasons.

It is easy to pass such a decision as the result of ''mental health issues'', ''psychosis'' or to blame her counsellor for bullying her into doing. Most toxic parents will do that and pass themselves as victims rather than try to self-reflect, sometimes because they are unable to (narcissistic) or because it would shatter the pretence they created of the happy family or force them to address unpleasant events in the past and their participation in them.

If she is talking to her sister and cousin and has managed to continue her university course for the past year, you know full well she hasn't run off to join a cult, suddenly become insane or developed a drug habit...she simply is getting on with her life and just doesn't want you to be in it.

Respect her wishes.