Estrangement from adult child

[DesperateParent]

I am trying to find some advice to help me with a really heartbreaking situation that has completely destroyed my family.

My darling DD1, who is at university, has decided to cut off all contact with me and her dad. This came pretty much out of the blue - one day we were exchanging jokey WhatsApp messages as normal, the next I got an odd message that I didn't really know how to respond to so I kept it light, then silence for a bit, then a nasty but vague email in weird formal language basically accusing us of abusing her throughout her childhood. She won't enter into any discussions, says she has seen a counsellor at university and doesn't consider us her parents any more.

We are totally devastated and have no idea what brought this on. Her email was vague, but nothing specific she says is true. We also find it hard to believe a counsellor would encourage her to cut herself off without knowing any background, but maybe that's what they do?

This all happened a year ago, soon after we took her back to university after the Christmas break, and I've been barely functioning since. When we left her at her accommodation, she was completely normal - laughing at me trying not to cry as I left her there, as usual. I contacted someone at the university whose name I remember being mentioned when she started who said he couldn't even confirm or deny to me that she was a student, but that he would always check on a student if a parent were concerned - hypothetically, of course. He was actually very nice while not being able to really tell me anything, but made it clear he would only be able to help if the student asked for help. We were hoping she would eventually recover from whatever she was going through and would get back in touch, but I got another nasty email the other day demanding that I stop sending her money. I presume she has managed to declare herself as independent as far as the student loans people are concerned and has told them she has no contact with us - would they just believe her without checking? We have been sending money monthly since she started.

She tells me in this email that if I reply she will block me - she 'requires' me to just stop the money as she demands. I don't know what to do - in a way she has given me an incentive to write back, as it makes no difference as either way I can't write again. She has already blocked me on WhatsApp and I don't know where she is living. Whatever she says or does, I don't want to stop supporting her as I'm pretty sure she hasn't thought ahead to the fact that she loses all financial support the minute she leaves university. Has anyone been in this situation? Is there any hope I will see my daughter again? Our whole family is in a complete mess because of this. DD1 will speak to her little sister and her cousin, but DD2 feels like she is walking on eggshells trying not to bring up important subjects, and I feel bad about her having to deal with this at the age of 16.

DD1 has a background of mental health issues (particularly in 6th form) and has always struggled to make friends and interact with other people. She is very unlikely to ask anyone for help and I don't know what prompted her to see the university counsellor. I seem to have spent 20 years trying to hold her together and fight off the bullies on her behalf - she seemed so well for the first year and a half at university, then this sudden change.

Sorry this is so rambling, I don't know where to turn.

Mumsnet always jumps on the abuse explanation, but having seen this play out with a family member, it's not always the case.
Young relative has cut off his family after going to uni. He's autistic and has very rigid views on how he should have been brought up, a new very privileged friendship group is reinforcing his views. His family are low income and can't meet his expectations, he is tearing their family apart, his siblings - who should never have been born according to him, are particularly devastated.

His siblings should never have been born? what's his rationale?

I wasn't attacking the op in any way in my last post. I have every sympathy with her. But one sibling doesn't know what another sibling's childhood was like. In my family everything that was projected on to me was a way to undermine me although it was done quite casually ''oh joy's so sensitive, joy's so emotional'' and everything that was projected on to my brother was to reinforce his right to a say iyswim. He's so rational. He's so logical. Therefore when I called out my parents for hurting me (which they did) the family narrative which had seemed like something harmless enough up to that point played in to their undermining of me. My brother who was rational and logical backed up my parents silencing me on the grounds that I was sensitive and emotional. Do you see what I mean? One sibling cannot necessarily say with 100% authority what the other sibling's experience was like.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Definitely give her space and hopefully in time she'll reach out x

His siblings should never have been born? what's his rationale?

His parents couldn't afford them - according to him. He would have had more advantages in life (the eldest). You shouldn't have children unless you can give them all the advantages in life. It's bizarre, he grew up in a happy home, albeit not well off, but not on their brass uppers either. He's at one of the top universities - I don't want to say anything outing. But apparently his upbringing is lacking compared to his new peers.
His siblings have always looked up to him, he's super bright.

My point being, you can love your kids and provide for them as best you can and it can still go wrong, there doesn't have to have been abuse.

@JoyPeaceHealth
Trust me, there was no abuse. My sister's rationale for the family being "dysfunctional " was the fact that my dad did indeed come from a dysfunctional family, despite the fact he overcame it and did things differently when he had his children. Oh and the fact my brother's first marriage was unhappy. Those were the reasons she said our family was dysfunctional.

Oh and so I don't dripfeed...my father was Irish, bur we were born and brought up in London. We were all born in the 60s, so no Ryanair! We went to Ireland once a year, there was no Internet contact, just letters and occasional phone calls from his family. So there was little contact with them....like I said, yes we found out later my uncle had abused his daughters, but because our contact was brief, and there was lots and lots of aunts, uncles, cousins etc around, she was not abused by him. She would have told us, at least as an adult.

When she was younger, she could be demanding and attention seeking, though she's fine now. When she said this (several years ago, she's not said it for ages) she had a lot of friends who strongly influenced her, and who did have unhappy childhoods. She didn't. Even she'd say that now.

Oh and please don't suggest the reason she was demanding and attention seeking when she was younger was because of abuse as a child. You can have negative personality traits without it being caused by childhood abuse. She's overcome it and is much nicer now.

Sorry I haven’t read the whole thread but apologies if I’ve missed anything.
We were in exactly the same situation this time last year. DS was in his first year of uni about 2.5 hour drive from home. He suddenly cut contact with us and the rest of his family. We questioned where all his money was going and he cut us off. We were concerned he was being taken advantage of financially - he’d had a rough time in 6th form coping with friendships and schoolwork. He’d made an attempt on his life the previous year so significant mental health issues but was adamant he wanted to go to uni.
We were hugely concerned but both uni and his accommodation were useless. It kept being reiterated that some people just want to cut contact when they go away. I was desperately trying to explain that this behaviour was out of the ordinary and his previous mental health history. This went on for 3 months until his dad and uncle went to his accommodation. He was incredibly angry and borderline violent. Eventually agreed to talk to his uncle but it was clear that he was taking copious amounts of weed. His room was covered in the remnants. This was giving him psychosis - he was accusing us of all sorts of things - minor events had been magnified and distorted. We got him back home eventually and a year on he’s doing really well. Been diagnosed with ADHD and autism and is off drugs. Our relationship is good now.
Realise this is a long post but is there a possibility similar could’ve happened to your daughter? Sometimes there are other explanations for them cutting themselves off. If we had left it there’s a strong possibility he wouldn’t be alive now. No thanks to the university!

Although much older, I am on the other side of this experience.

I am NC with my mother and my sister. I know that they would say that they have ‘no idea’ what my problem is, that I have always exaggerated and been difficult, and that I am selfish and neurotic. They have said so to my face.

it took me decades to reach the decision and have the strength and support to go no contact but I am so much better without them in my life. Things that they said and did, that they thought were just a bit of fun, and/or trivial were extremely painful to me.

It was not an easy decision and has come with its set of consequences: guilt, shame and grief.

Maybe your daughter will return to the family, maybe she won’t. But, as I am sure you acknowledge, she is an adult and she is entitled to decide who to spend time with and who to maintain relationships with.

Anyway, I am sorry that you are experiencing this, but believe me when I say that it is not an easy decision and no doubt she has her reasons that she may or may not share with you.

I would put the money that you would normally give her into a new separate savings account to sort of save it up for her in her absence

Don't send her any money or any details of this account or tell her anything about it BUT when she gets back in contact you can show her the account and that you continued to think about her while you were out of contact

That way when she returns to the family she will know that you didn't abandon her BUT it doesn't put any pressure on her at the moment

@Spidey66
I am absolutely certain that my sister would have written your post about the family not being abusive.
Often family members rationalise and normalise events in order to deal with them, but if she experienced abuse then that is what she experienced. It is often in the subjective experience that the distinction between abuse and ‘normal’ behaviour occurs.
My Dad used to chase us around the house to give us a ‘good hiding’. My younger sister laughs about it when she discusses it. I don’t. I found the whole thing terrifying. I know that I was physically and emotionally abused. My sister has a different narrative - and has replicated aspects of our childhood in her own family.
You have your experience, and your sister has her’s.

@Spidey66 I'm not trying to tell you that your sister was abused. I'm just pointing out that you cannot speak for your sister. Many sympathies with your father for having to cut off his brother. There is what they call ''a radius of estrangement'' and if it didn't have some small impact on how your father raised you he'd be the first to wipe his family history clean. Press reset. Press refresh. Clean slate! If only it worked like that. Even your summers in Ireland in the vicinity of the abuser but not alone with him, there must have been a sense of fear, shame, control and hyper vigilance amongst the other adults.

I'm not trying to tell you that your family was dysfunctional but most families are , to a degree! and your sister was dismissed when there was a lot going on there.

I wish my family could understand this. They've just dismissed me completely. they believe that they can declare on my behalf that my childhood was perfect. Even though I walked in a relationship with an abusive man because that feeling of hoping to please him if I could be a better version of myself was so familiar

@IrisAtwood yes, my brother is in the family superself. Mother's feelings matter. Mine do not. He cannot really see that that's unfair or illogical. There's just this irriation in him that I will not buckle under and accept the regime. He only ever questions why I called my mother out. He never ever questions why my feelings don't matter. I told him I felt like a cardboard cut out, the character of daughter written by my mother. When I went rogue, ad libbed, they just silenced me and wrote me out. I do not exist. But it makes sense. if my hurt didn't matter, then I didn't matter. I get it now. They all carry on without me, normal, sane, wronged, righteous and free from the mad bad sad daughter/sister

Oh fgs. She was not abused. She says that herself, just that the family was dysfunctional-and on questioning that was our dad's family, not our family. She was being influenced by friends at the time. As she's got older she realises that, and that as in our dad's case, people can learn from their parents mistakes and not repeat them.

I'm not saying we're the Waltons, but I'm confident things were not as she felt at the time. She was saying this 20 years ago, she's not said it for years....and trust me, she's not backwards at coming forwards, if there had been serious issues she'd still be saying it!

you remind me of my mother

And not that you'll listen but there is a huge middle ground between abused and the waltons.

I agree, lots of minimising and mis-direction going on. Lots of detail deliberately left out.

it’s absolutely textbook and what is also textbook is when parents of estranged children think they are pulling the wool over they eyes of their audience.

I'm bowing out of this thread. If people want to suggest that because my sister said 20 years ago that the family was dysfunctional, despite the fact she's acknowledged that it was our dad's family and not our our own, means this 100% means we were a f*cked up family....so be it.

I'm truly sorry for those who had unhappy childhoods. I've worked in mental health nursing for over 35+ years so have dealt with survivors of childhood abuse all the time, am fully aware of the impact this has on adults. I do realise different children in the same family have different experiences, but people seem to think I have blinkers on when it comes to my own family. I don't. My sister herself has acknowledged it was my dad's family who were awful. He wasn't. I'm sure mistakes were made but that happens in all families.

But just to be clear....

My sister is an assertive person, who is not frightened to speak her mind.

20 years ago, she told us she thought our family was dysfunctional.

On questioning she acknowledged it was the previous generation ie my grandparents, which while I know was true, she they'd both died by the time she was 11, and she barely knew them when they were alive, though was aware of the damage they'd caused,

Neither of our parents were bad parents. I'm not saying they were perfect (who is) but my father in particular worked how to do things differently to his own parents.

My sister has since acknowledged she was wrong, and I know for a fact if there had been problems she would have carried on saying so.

Both my parents are now dead, but she had good relationships with them, still has good relationships with the wider family, and has a happy marriage with a lovely 12 year old girl. But if you guys want to believe that something she said 20 years ago means that she's a highly damaged person and that the rest of the family are in denial about it.....you go ahead and believe it. Its no skin off my nose.

You're gone now but it's family dynamics that you don't get. I'm an assertive person too but the family's super self comes before any individual's own sense of their self.

@Spidey66 sympathies with you, there’s some posters desperate to project onto your experience. Sounds like your sister has given her head a wobble and realised she was rewriting history to try and fulfill something in her. People can do strange things like that.

I never said she was highly damaged. I wondered if it was possible for her to be heard in the family and still be in the family without being perceived as difficult, lead astray, wanting to have something in common with her friends, just basically WRONG. Is the dynamic in the family ever robust enough to embrace the continued presence of a family member who is perceived to be WRONG

Going back to OP. Just step back, she WILL come back to you. She IS processing lots of hurt and I'm guessing this is about her regaining control. Give her the power. She will come back. It doesn't matter what she is saying happened it's gone. All the matters is now...acknowledging that's she's hurting and you may have done things differently if you had known how to at the time. Respect Gee wishes lovingly. She will come back to you ❣️

How can you be so sure?

I've read this thread with such interest, that sounds like the wrong word, but I have been intensely focused on this thread because of my own family. My sibling went NC with our parents many years ago.

My sibling hardly needed to explain his reasons to me because I was in the family too, but there seemed to be a whole other part he had either forgotten or hadn't noticed.

My sibling was ND, probably quite an extreme case not that I know much about it. He had medication and at one point electro therapy although I don't know any details. What I do remember is his tyranny over the family, and how genuinely terrified my parents were of upsetting him, for quite a number of years. He had a lot of time with a psychiatrist who recommended certain courses of action to my parents, and I believe that they followed the professional advice to a high degree for quite a number of years. My sibling couldn't help his behaviour I guess, but all I remember is what an arsehole he was to everyone when we were growing up.

The other side of this is that my father was an unpleasant bully and my mother too weak to stand up to him. They said that they didn't understand why their son had gone NC.

How do I reconcile this inside my head? Who was to blame for NC? My extremely challenging sibling or bullying father and weak mother? I can't tell you how unpleasant my brother was to me and my parents - it was horrible growing up with brother one side and nasty father on the other.

Maybe my final point is that it can be more than one person who causes NC? Or is that unfair? Is it always the parents because they're the adults?

You don't think your siblings behaviour had anything to do with what he learned from your father?