Ignorance is no longer bliss

[WhereAreYouKeir]

I'm pretty confused about what is the best thing to do next and I'd like the sanity of strangers to help give my head a wobble.
DH started to withdraw from family life 17 months ago, it was very gradual and I guess I didn't see how bad it was until this Christmas.
Our boys are 7.5 and 5.5. DH is constantly irritated by the children and me.

To the extent the 7 year old says he's just mean or try to be extra quiet, (no bothering him in the morning).

There's no family time together, he actively avoids us. Hours at the gym, hours on his phone or doing some work project that is not needed (and doesn't warrant extra pay/time off/ recognition.) Basically avoiding us for hours.
He doesn't eat with us but will come in mid-meal and have toast leaving the boys to ask why isn't dad eating with us.

DH teaches in a primary school and has refused to look after the boys outside of term time. Just blank refused. He's doing things I'd expect someone to be doing who has no family commitments. London concerts, hours at the gym, hours on his phone. The bloody phone.

I'm the breadwinner and there's no bloody respite.
Work, children, housework, school admin.

Every time I bring something up, he says he wants to leave, says I'm a nightmare and don't make ANYONE happy. He shouts, raises his voice, slams doors, slams plates around, and of course, we all shut up.

He can go days without speaking to me at all.
I've tried to get him help for several months now. He has refused therapy and the GP. I've tried to get him to go to the GP for something else . His parents say they don't want to get involved. They tell me that I need therapy, I must have upset him.

His friends don't see the behaviour. He is super charming, affable, smooth with everyone else very nice. Helps the neighbours . And yet participates in absolutely nothing at home. No chores, no admin, nothing school related.
The boys and me see a very different side to everyone else.

He's ignored me now since Saturday because I pulled him up on shouting at the kids at bedtime. I'm still being cheerful with our boys but I'm ignoring his sulking for now.

Do I give him a deadline for seeing the GP or therapy? Every time I go out with the boys, I see parents working as a team to manage their kids and I get angry, with myself for not being able to change this shitshow that my kids are seeing.

Honestly OP he has had the deadline. I know you want to fix things and make him add the light but he isn’t going to.

And his actions are completely damaging to your sons. They will remember their childhood being scared of someone who is supposed to love them.

If he is going through a depressive episode that’s one thing but tbh I don’t think he is. But the well-being of you and your children are the priority here.

Print off the divorce forms and leave them on the table. Find your strength and your anger and make the decision for him. Who cares if he martyrs himself? You need to do this for you and your boys.

I'm afraid you're going to have to be the one who steps up and protects your children from all this toxicity. You can't allow this to go on. You just can't.

I could cry when I read how your children are being treated by their father, please take heed of the advice already given. Do it for them.

This!

If you doubt yourself, re-read this over and over again.

It's not your job to fix him or anyone else. If he was depressed and it made him disengage in life but he was trying to get better with medication and therapy, then it would be right to support him. But he is just being abusive and self absorbed.

If anything OP I think it would be good for you to have a few sessions of therapy to get a bit of a perspective on what's going on here. Because this has crept up on you, you're not seeing how unreasonable your husband is being and how untenable the situation is. This is not helped by the fact he is gaslighting into believing you are the problem. You really aren't.

This is not a loving, caring marriage. Even if he slightly improved, how could you ever trust him again. Please get some support and look into your options to get out of this marriage. Your partner should enhance your life not drag you down.

I'm so sorry for your losses and your current ill parent. Take care of yourself

I’m so sorry to read this

i think his behaviour is so poor
also he can’t be that fuxking depressed if he’s managing his active regime of gym and work and fun and phone

as painful as it is this behaviour is unforgiveable

he’s not just a shit husband
he’s a shitty parent and he will fuck the kid up

I’d focus energy on lining the ducks up and planning to separate x

He's either depressed and nd not interested in seeking help, or he's totally withdrawn from family life because he isn't interested. Either means you are far better off separating. He sounds horrible and it's got to be awful for you to be treated like that - time to pack his bags and get rid.

No, don’t try therapy. Therapy can only work if he has recognized he has a problem and is prepared to work at that problem.

If you persuade him to go he will use that therapy to reinforce his existing narrative. It’s pretty much the worst thing you can do.

i know this from painful experience. Don’t do it.

You are in a brilliant position as a high earner to end this relationship.

If you want to show willing and have evidence you tried to make it work then book a marriage counselling session. Text or email him something along the lines of ‘you keep saying you want to leave us and you are incredibly unhappy, I want our marriage to work. I have booked a counselling session with x on x date. If you would prefer to organise a counsellor for us let me know he time and date and I will be there. If you are happy with my choice the appointment is at x on x date. I will be there regardless. I want our marriage to work but if you wish to use the sessions to find the best way to separate then I accept your decision and am prepared to work with the counsellor to do the best for our children’.

I am sure you or other MNetters can come up with a better message but you get the idea.

keep the email and his response. Then communicate in writing. Then you have evidence you tried.

In employment law there’s a constructive dismissal where the employer makes the job so difficult the employee is basically forced to leave. He’s doing the same but with your marriage. He’s ending it by his actions.

Does he hate that you earn more than him?

A relative of mine grew up with a father like that (effectively just a grumpy lump sat in the corner, being hostile to everyone and bringing everyone down) and it's really affected him long term. He decided not to have children even though he's great with kids, mainly because he didn't want to recreate his miserable childhood. Your kids deserve better.

Your husband is neither acting like a father nor husband. Actually worse... if he was just a lodger he'd at least make the effort to be courteous in his interactions and wouldn't tell the kids they were "doing his head in" when they were excited to see him (which is heartbreaking by the way, those poor little lads). Time to tell him to leave.

OP, I'm sorry but quite apart from what your marriage is doing to you, this man is damaging your children. You need to leave him. It's horrendous at first, but it gets better, and you can't put a price on your family not walking on eggshells.

The minute any man started being mentally abusive and aggressive to my kids they’d be out the door like a shot. I don’t care how long we’d been married for - his behaviour sounds cruel and will have a lasting impact.

If divorce seems too much of a hurdle or a line to contemplate, say that you and the family obviously aren’t making him happy and that you should take a break for few months and see how work things out. Ask him to move out to a flat as the first step and review in a couple of months. Once in that position you will be able to see the weight has been lifted.

You are allowing him to repeatedly abuse you and your young children. Get out!

So what if he does? Is the OP supposed to tiptoe around his fragile little man-ego just to keep the peace?

If, as is the law on here, all money is family money, who cares who earns it?

Next time he says he wants to leave, take a binbag, throw a few armfuls of his sh*te into it and tell him to go.

He is destroying you and seriously damaging your poor children - my heart aches for them - they sound so desperate to have their daddy's love and he comes in and treats them like crap. It's not on. If you are prepared to put up with it, that's your choice, but these poor little lads shouldn't be treated like this,

Your husband may br depressed, but I think he's just realised that he doesn't want responsibilities. I agree with others that there is likely to be another woman . He may not be having an affair, but he wants to. Perhaps he's tried and she's told him outright that she doesn't have anything to do with married men. Or maybe he's seen a workmate who is single and living the high life. It doesn't matter - he doesn't want you or your lovely children any more, and living like this day after day will crush you and your boys.

Send him back to his lovely family. They deserve him.
Get your financial ducks in a row.

See a solicitor as soon as you can.

You are in the very fortunate position of being financially independent. Get rid of him. He's destroying your confidence and scarring your poor little boys.

I feel exactly the same. He is a piece of shit. He is emotionally abusing you and his children. Be the parent they need abs divorce this absolute bastard. There’s nothing wrong with him I’ll bet. He’s just vile and gets a quick out of what he’s doing. Sadly I have experience.

*kick

Dear God. Get your children out of there.

Wow! This sounds awful. I would have a sensible chat with the children, broach the subject of Daddy living somewhere else, seeing him on weekends. I would speak to a solicitor today and tell him on Sunday night that you want a divorce, give him the basics of what the solicitor has said, tell him he’s got until 4th Feb to find somewhere to live. You are the main breadwinner, do NOT leave your house, you do everything anyway so it will be like a weight has been lifted. Tell him he now has all the time in the world to go to the gym, scroll on his phone and no longer has to worry about your beautiful children ‘doing his head in.’ You both sound miserable, life could be so much better for you.

The trouble with marriage counselling with someone like the husband is that he's charming outside the relationship. He'll present himself as the wronged party and some therapists fall for it. It could leave the OP feeling even worse. It's advised against with abusive partners.

He wants out but he wants you to instigate it do he doesn’t get the blame. Go seek advice about how you can get him out of the house. You’ll probably find life much nicer without him.

Leave him.

It’s his responsibility to get help He could sort himself out and he could become a better father who sees his children once a week. Constant family life doesn’t suit some people (does it anybody?) but what he’s doing to the boys is disgusting. For that hee a bastard. Your lovely boys deserve better and you deserve better. Also your boys are very very lucky to have you as their mum. op you sound lovely 💐

Leave. This will be the only wobble he needs to become a better dad.