Ignorance is no longer bliss

[WhereAreYouKeir]

I'm pretty confused about what is the best thing to do next and I'd like the sanity of strangers to help give my head a wobble.
DH started to withdraw from family life 17 months ago, it was very gradual and I guess I didn't see how bad it was until this Christmas.
Our boys are 7.5 and 5.5. DH is constantly irritated by the children and me.

To the extent the 7 year old says he's just mean or try to be extra quiet, (no bothering him in the morning).

There's no family time together, he actively avoids us. Hours at the gym, hours on his phone or doing some work project that is not needed (and doesn't warrant extra pay/time off/ recognition.) Basically avoiding us for hours.
He doesn't eat with us but will come in mid-meal and have toast leaving the boys to ask why isn't dad eating with us.

DH teaches in a primary school and has refused to look after the boys outside of term time. Just blank refused. He's doing things I'd expect someone to be doing who has no family commitments. London concerts, hours at the gym, hours on his phone. The bloody phone.

I'm the breadwinner and there's no bloody respite.
Work, children, housework, school admin.

Every time I bring something up, he says he wants to leave, says I'm a nightmare and don't make ANYONE happy. He shouts, raises his voice, slams doors, slams plates around, and of course, we all shut up.

He can go days without speaking to me at all.
I've tried to get him help for several months now. He has refused therapy and the GP. I've tried to get him to go to the GP for something else . His parents say they don't want to get involved. They tell me that I need therapy, I must have upset him.

His friends don't see the behaviour. He is super charming, affable, smooth with everyone else very nice. Helps the neighbours . And yet participates in absolutely nothing at home. No chores, no admin, nothing school related.
The boys and me see a very different side to everyone else.

He's ignored me now since Saturday because I pulled him up on shouting at the kids at bedtime. I'm still being cheerful with our boys but I'm ignoring his sulking for now.

Do I give him a deadline for seeing the GP or therapy? Every time I go out with the boys, I see parents working as a team to manage their kids and I get angry, with myself for not being able to change this shitshow that my kids are seeing.

I went through a similar situation after 22 years of marriage, he was having an affair. Divorce is difficult but I’ve never been as happy as I am now.
You deserve better, get a good lawyer, confront your husband and then move on.

WTF? He keeps all of his salary?! Who decided on that?

If your salary is family money, why isn't his?

I wouldn't hesitate to kick him out, tbh. He's had his salary all those years without contributing - he should have plenty to live on now.

Make sure you tell your solicitor about this.

Unless you are a crazy high earner that is unlikely to happen. He shows no interest in DC, he's hardly going to try take primary custody! He'd actually have to parent! He must earn a decent salary, unless yours is £100K plus and substantially more than his, and you have the children most of the time, you won't need to pay him spousal. He'll have to pay you child support though!

OP I've read most of the thread and want to congratulate you on going to see a lawyer. 10 years ago I was in a similar position - senior role, breadwinner, 2 young sons, and a husband who did very little and treated me like complete shit. He too made it impossible for me to travel for work, left me to do everything, and made me miserable. I won't go into all the details but reading Lundy Bancroft's book was life changing (he was emotionally abusive dickhead type 1). You've had great advice but I wanted to say a bit about your husband potentially going after you for maintenance. I offered shared care of the children and a 50/50 split of assets as I didn't want to fight. He told his lawyers a very sanitised version of our lives in which he was the put-upon stay at home parent and I had used him to advance my career and then dump him. So they started from a position where he wanted the kids and the house and I would pay him maintenance. This did not happen - the truth comes out in the end, though it did take lawyers (best money I ever spent) and was very stressful. It doesn't sound like he will actually want the kids and I would fight him hard if he tries. Re maintenance, if you have assets, and he has a full time job and you have the kids at least 50% (and hopefully much more) the court isn't keen on giving men with the ability to support themselves maintenance - I was told the preference is for a "clean break" and that's what we got. (I think my lawyer's quote was "He can get a job!") So he got half the assets and the kids 6 nights out of 14 (which was negotiated, not imposed) and there is no maintenance either way. I was happy with that to get away from him and I remind myself that the assets are there to support the children. My two kids are fine and not being damaged from living in such an unhealthy environment, and to my great surprise I now have a really loving and supportive partner and have never been happier. I wasn't expecting that (or even believed it was possible), but I was a million times happier and healthier without my ExH. Stay strong and focus on doing what's best for your kids - this will keep you on the right path. Good luck x

P.S. The other thing that helped me was that once I had decided to end it I didn't allow myself to care what other people thought about me or the situation, as he used that to manipulate me.

OP, you sound like a great parent with a fantastic career - well done you.

I agree with some others that whether or not your husband needs mental health support, you need space without him in your home. I really hope that happens for you and that you can finally exhale and breathe. Time and space is needed for you to take stock and be kind to yourself and assess what you want in life. If a good friend told you this was her situation at home I’m sure you wouldn’t expect her to put up and shut up. It must be hard taking such steps but you sound extremely strong and I hope you know, as other posters have stated, you can get through situations like this.

It is so sad that he can’t use his skills and his holidays to be a better parent. He should not be talking about named pupils at home to you especially as you are both also parents at the school. This dual role is probably why he want to push you to do the actual ending- his colleagues and boss all know you as a parent. It’s dicey ground for him if he is the one to do it. I imagine that his colleagues probably have him clocked from what you say anyway though.
He sounds like my old colleague that I had my own mental bingo for at staff meetings. I’d predict stupid egotistical moves and comments and he never disappointed. It helped to picture it like that as when he was being a total twat I smiled because I’d predicted it first. Good luck with the solicitor. I think that you will all be happier without him at home.

Excellent post - well done for getting out 👏

Glad you have this documented. Watch out for that suddenly to change and him want more than 50/50 shared care and unfortunately ime if he can show that he can look after the children more than you because of his schedule ie save them having to go to after-school childcare or able to ferry them to different clubs after school and you cant, then you maybe at a disadvantage if you needed to go to court and you need to work out if you are comfortable with this.

@SaveMeFromMyBoobs you would be surprised at what dirty tactics get employed during a nasty divorce

If you have 20 minutes to listen to this, it seems very relevant to your situation :

player.fm/series/the-dr-psych-mom-show/many-avoidant-partners-would-be-relieved-if-you-initiated-divorce

Many people will not initiate divorce because they don't want to be the "bad guy" or start a conflict. However, avoidant partners in particular often end up much happier alone, without the emotional/sexual demands of a relationship to stress them. Coparenting often is much better suited to their personalities as well, as they are often frustrated by their inability to fully focus on work or hobbies when always with the kids. This reframe may be useful if you want to leave your avoidant partner but are staying together out of guilt!

@creativevoid Thank you sharing your experience. I'm sorry you had such a difficult time

It is testament to how disordered and distressed YOU are, that you think it acceptable that he contributes absolutely NOTHING to the family finances nor has ANY involvement with his childrens care.

Please, please spell this out to the solicitor and to any friends and family.

He contributes no money nor time but emotionally abuses you and his children.

That in a nutshell is who he is.
Keep it simple and factual.

A teacher who refuses to help his own child.

He's a disgrace.

As he can and does earn his own money there’s no real rationale for financial support. It’s not as if he’s given up his job to be a HH, quite the opposite he refuses to look after the children during the holidays.

I hope it went well with the lawyer

If you can then restarting therapy would be excellent- you’re clearly very competent at work, you’re a senior leader and you need to apply all those skills to extricating yourself from a man who contributes nothing to your happiness

No deadline. Tell him to leave.

He needs a shock to the system

@WhereAreYouKeir not a chance he could pursue you for financial support. He has a well paying job and is well able to support himself.

What a horrible pr*ck your H is. Also the way he is treating your sons is disgusting, must be very hard for them seeing him school when he ignores them at home.
Are you sure he is going to the gym and not going to meet someone else.
Also not contributing any money, so he's emotionally and financially abusive.
You and your sons deserve better. He won't be happy if his holier than thou reputation in the school is damaged but tough, people should know the truth of what he's like.
I hope you get the support to break free from this awful situation.

@billy1966 I'm writing things down as they come to me. Found myself wavering about the solicitor appointment tomorrow.
The list of behaviours is helping me stay on track - this is who he is and this is what he has chosen to do to me.
Cancelled my birthday meal and disappeared to Glastonbury with a friend for a weekend. Because I went away with work for three days the week prior.

Didn't get me any gifts at all this Christmas from him or from the boys

Told the plumber, that I was controlling and he had no time for himself at all.

Tells people to watch out for me bragging about my 'cool' job. (I hardly every talk about my work, other than trying to plan timings for school things. I never refer to it as cool.

Walked out of DS birthday party because the soft-play was too noisy for him.

I'm reading that and getting to 'how dare you do this to us' and at some point I will find the anger. I feel a lot of numbness at the moment and I can recognise its a defensive thing our minds do when struggling.

Thank you all and I mean all of you for your sanity, your combined anger and clarity. Thank you to those sharing your experiences of bad partners. I'm overwhelmed at the support of strangers.

I'm terrified about my appointment tomorrow but I will go and I'm taking lots of information and a record of behaviour with me.

I have nothing to add to what other have said other than to say he sounds awful. Re the solicitor when it comes for negotiations take your solicitors advice and go in hard with wiggle room so that you're near where you'd like to be once you've negotiated. For what it's worth he sounds cruel and an absolute deadbeat parent.

@WhereAreYouKeir

Write down all those behaviours, put the list in a secret place. If you find yourself weakening or wondering if your freedom is 'worth it', read that list. Read it over and over. Then visualize a home without him in it. The sense of peace and personal space. Things the way YOU want them. The absence of conflict and negativity. All of these for you AND for your children. It's not just you who needs to get away!

It can take time to find the anger OP. But it will happen.

My ‘dh’ fucked off 6 weeks after our son finished his (hopefully) last chemo for Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.

Rewritten the past to suit his current narrative that I am toxic and he has to leave to be true to himself.

Self indulgent navel gazing narcissistic prick that he is.

This is a man aged 53 years, we together for 28 years, now he’s bewailing that he doesn’t have the sports car that he thought he would have abs that I am the root of all evil. My 3 dc (teenagers/young adults) think he is a prick.

He fucked off with no warning or prior discussion 4 months ago. I was suicidal, now I have found my anger.

How dare these weak and selfish men treat us this way.

Holding your hand OP, better days are on the horizon.

Good for you.

You can do this.

He is an utter waster.

Your poor children.

The pure confusion your son must feel.

Keep reminding yourself of his confusion and how that is decimating his self esteem.

Poor little mite.

Hi OP,
I would only need one thought to keep in mind to leave this man. That is that your lovely children will grow up feeling disliked by the person they look up to the most. That will have a profound and powerful effect on them. Their self esteem, confidence and relationships will be affected. This dynamic could even contribute to them suffering depression and mental illness when they are older.

A partner could disappoint me, let me down, disagree and argue with me but they would not get to make my kids feel bad about themselves. No way.

You need to protect your kids and show them and your husband that this relationship is not OK. They deserve to be loved unconditionally and to grow up in a home where they feel liked.

That will have a profound and powerful effect on them. Their self esteem, confidence and relationships will be affected. This dynamic could even contribute to them suffering depression and mental illness when they are older

people used to tell me this when I first posted about my EA ex on here
unfortunately it took me quite a while to end it (I did try )

its true
unfortunately
very true sadly