Ignorance is no longer bliss

[WhereAreYouKeir]

I'm pretty confused about what is the best thing to do next and I'd like the sanity of strangers to help give my head a wobble.
DH started to withdraw from family life 17 months ago, it was very gradual and I guess I didn't see how bad it was until this Christmas.
Our boys are 7.5 and 5.5. DH is constantly irritated by the children and me.

To the extent the 7 year old says he's just mean or try to be extra quiet, (no bothering him in the morning).

There's no family time together, he actively avoids us. Hours at the gym, hours on his phone or doing some work project that is not needed (and doesn't warrant extra pay/time off/ recognition.) Basically avoiding us for hours.
He doesn't eat with us but will come in mid-meal and have toast leaving the boys to ask why isn't dad eating with us.

DH teaches in a primary school and has refused to look after the boys outside of term time. Just blank refused. He's doing things I'd expect someone to be doing who has no family commitments. London concerts, hours at the gym, hours on his phone. The bloody phone.

I'm the breadwinner and there's no bloody respite.
Work, children, housework, school admin.

Every time I bring something up, he says he wants to leave, says I'm a nightmare and don't make ANYONE happy. He shouts, raises his voice, slams doors, slams plates around, and of course, we all shut up.

He can go days without speaking to me at all.
I've tried to get him help for several months now. He has refused therapy and the GP. I've tried to get him to go to the GP for something else . His parents say they don't want to get involved. They tell me that I need therapy, I must have upset him.

His friends don't see the behaviour. He is super charming, affable, smooth with everyone else very nice. Helps the neighbours . And yet participates in absolutely nothing at home. No chores, no admin, nothing school related.
The boys and me see a very different side to everyone else.

He's ignored me now since Saturday because I pulled him up on shouting at the kids at bedtime. I'm still being cheerful with our boys but I'm ignoring his sulking for now.

Do I give him a deadline for seeing the GP or therapy? Every time I go out with the boys, I see parents working as a team to manage their kids and I get angry, with myself for not being able to change this shitshow that my kids are seeing.

This has made me so sad reading this ☹️

Please give him the boot OP, he brings nothing to the table and is actively ruining time with your boys.

So sorry you’re dealing with so much

Sorry to say but he doesn’t sound like he loves you or his children I don’t think he needs therapy I think he just isn’t happy in his situation and one of you should leave. If he doesn’t want to leave the home that’s another issue but one I would deffo address as nobody should live like this

Great news, OP. I've been lurking and thinking that you really need to split from him. Ideally, you need to get him to leave. As others have said, you're doing all the family stuff already along with your job - you'll probably be surprised how much better you feel not to have to deal with the behaviour of your 'D'H.

If, on the off chance, it is only depression on his part, then he can sort himself out separately and then try to make amends.

your poor children! So glad you’re addressing this now @WhereAreYouKeir before he can do any more damage 😡

If her DH works in a Primary school then she's not the only bread winner, is she?

Please leave Op, he sounds so unkind. Or better still ask him to leave the family home.

For what it’s worth I think the concerns for his mental health are a bit of a red herring. I suppose he could be depressed / need counselling, but I think it’s more likely he is just a selfish, abusive person. Regardless, you and your DC are not responsible for his mental health & you are all being damaged by continuing the relationship. Don’t let his manipulation continue to paralyse you.

Wishing you & your DCs love, luck & happiness.

@JudgeJ You are right, we both bring in household income. I supported DH through his teacher training, practically and financially.
It is only my income that is used for household and family expenses. DH uses his salary on himself and his car. I realise that this is now to my disadvantage and he may well pursue me for financial support.

Well, I for one am excited on your and the dcs behalf! Please don't spend a day longer than necessary with this horrible emotionally abusive man in your home. Well done on starting the process. Your lives are going to be SO much happier soon. Good luck and stand firm!

Sad to say I could have written this post about my ex-h and his behaviour towards me and the children. Turns out he was having an affair with his TA. He focused on work as the more he did, the more she told him how wonderful he was - what a great man and a great teacher etc. Honestly, it was pathetic.

Whatever his problem is, he needs a wakeup call about the impact of his behaviour. Get all the financials together before you ask him to move out - including his pension details, if possible - and make it clear that you and the children will not be moving as HE has caused the issue and HE therefore needs to make it right by giving you space and allowing you to all stop walking on eggshells around him. Wishing you all the best - it's awful but once he has gone you'll all be able to exhale at last x

@WhereAreYouKeir sorry but this sounds horrific for you and your dc. Not often I say this but it’s a LTB from me

This is classic gaslighting, isn't it? Practically textbook. Change the reality until it's unrecognisable and then tell the person they're in the wrong for trying to mention it or change it.

You're already a single parent. He's checked out.

And anyone wanting to hear an example of the thinking should have listened to Ross Kemp on Talksport this morning. When Alan Brazil says to watch what you're saying, it's pretty bad...

I havent read the whole thread but your post doesent make me said it makes me angry in fact furious on your behalf. How dare he act this way, find your anger and put an end to this. Do not accept this awful behaviour tell him you want a divorce you and boys will be so much happier.

Oh, that's terrible. He's behaving so badly. I feel so sorry for your boys. Honestly, I'd see a solicitor, to help work out a plan to separate. Because what good is he to you and the boys?! Seriously, he's only as good as a chocolate tea pot. You and your boys deserve so much better. Perhaps when you separate, and he has them alone he may step up?

Oh - I also thought my ex was depressed; at one point I even asked the OW (who I thought was just his colleague and his 'friend') if she could cheer him up. Obvciously she did, just not in the way I thought 😂

Oohhh OP, after reading your interesting updates I can confirm you’re dealing with a text book narcissist. Like your husband it’s all about them and they have the emotional maturity of a toddler. They are so insecure deep down (under that facade of cruelty and silent treatment) that just like you you feel the need to “make yourself smaller” in order to be accepted by them.

OP, you’re in a toxic relationship, and you know. It’s not going to get better. You and your kids deserve better.

I'd be surprised if he could seek financial support from you if he is the one that is actually leaving the family unit and you will be left with 2 children to support, a mortgage, possibly a car loan (that you haven't had to deal with up to now).

@WhereAreYouKeir - in relation to this comment you made "I think he doesn't want to be seen to be walking out on his family and be the 'bad guy'." I hate to break it to you but he is the bad guy. He may not have physically walked out on his family yet, but mentally I think he's checked out of the family a long time ago. This is the final thread that you need to cut because he just won't.

Oh op, your posts make me so sad for you. You sound great, a lovely person and he should be happy he's married to someone like you! As he's decided he's not I think the best route to go down is the separation route. Also, re your DS's reading, please try not to worry too much. He's 7 and my son (who is now 11 and a huge reader, his room is full of books) really found it all clicked into place in Year2 (about the same age). I hope the same for your DS.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Seriously. I’m not an LTB poster usually, but bloody hell, do not accept this bullshit for a second longer.

There is no love or respect here from him and it’s damaging you, damaging your kids. Doesn’t matter if he’s off shagging, depressed or whatever - he’s acting like a despicable arse and there would be no coming back from that for me.

Pack his bag and off he fucks. He’s even said he would rather leave, so help him to achieve his goals!

See a solicitor and start the ball rolling because you’re wasting your life with this tosser.

Not if you're primary carer for the dc. It won't be that simple for him

He has to leave. I'm so sorry but reading your post brought back memories of my own father acting in a very similar way. Sulking, silent for weeks, sometimes months at a time, ignoring all of us, vile. Outside the family he was charm personified. You are not doing your kids any good in keeping him in the household. This is emotionally abusive behaviour and you must protect them from him and it. So sorry you're going through this.

Sounds like he is doing everything he can to make you kick him out (probably unconsciously) rather than leave himself. He wants out, he is making no effort. Marriages can be salvaged after bad times but both people have to want it to work and he clearly doesn’t.

This is just actually so sad to read. For you but also for your boys. It must be so horrible for them having a dad who takes no interest and won't even spend his time off in the holidays with them, won't even eat with you all and openly shows his disdain for them. Honestly at this point I think your only option it to split or at least have a trial separation. He may actually be a better father if you separate and you may find yourself with more spare time if the boys do go visit him. Good luck tomoro, you and your boys deserve to treated so much better.

I am very sad that a Primary school teacher is refusing to engage with his primary age children at home. That is a serious indicator of FUBAR. It's going to be increasingly damaging to your DC.

I suspect he is also underperforming (big time) at work. Might be worth checking out. If he's as lazy, irresponsible and uncommitted with kids he teaches, then pretty soon he'll lose his career.... and income. Then you and the kids would face a full time bastard at home who contributes nothing whatsoever.

I'd give him a deadline to leave. Then its up to him to either get his act together or abandon his Big Social Lie

He won't be acting like this as a teacher. He'll be Super Teacher. Lots of unpaid overtime.

It was only later that I realised how much stress the children were noticing too. It was much less stressful when he'd gone. I bet your ds's reading will blossom.

What do you mean he doesn't pay for the household? This is financial abuse on top of anything. Good luck with the solicitor, you need a really good one as this man is beyond selfish, in fact, the more you write, the worse he gets. A better life with your boys does await you, you've got this (in fact you sound awesome, you are already working, paying for everything and doing all childcare!)