Ignorance is no longer bliss

[WhereAreYouKeir]

I'm pretty confused about what is the best thing to do next and I'd like the sanity of strangers to help give my head a wobble.
DH started to withdraw from family life 17 months ago, it was very gradual and I guess I didn't see how bad it was until this Christmas.
Our boys are 7.5 and 5.5. DH is constantly irritated by the children and me.

To the extent the 7 year old says he's just mean or try to be extra quiet, (no bothering him in the morning).

There's no family time together, he actively avoids us. Hours at the gym, hours on his phone or doing some work project that is not needed (and doesn't warrant extra pay/time off/ recognition.) Basically avoiding us for hours.
He doesn't eat with us but will come in mid-meal and have toast leaving the boys to ask why isn't dad eating with us.

DH teaches in a primary school and has refused to look after the boys outside of term time. Just blank refused. He's doing things I'd expect someone to be doing who has no family commitments. London concerts, hours at the gym, hours on his phone. The bloody phone.

I'm the breadwinner and there's no bloody respite.
Work, children, housework, school admin.

Every time I bring something up, he says he wants to leave, says I'm a nightmare and don't make ANYONE happy. He shouts, raises his voice, slams doors, slams plates around, and of course, we all shut up.

He can go days without speaking to me at all.
I've tried to get him help for several months now. He has refused therapy and the GP. I've tried to get him to go to the GP for something else . His parents say they don't want to get involved. They tell me that I need therapy, I must have upset him.

His friends don't see the behaviour. He is super charming, affable, smooth with everyone else very nice. Helps the neighbours . And yet participates in absolutely nothing at home. No chores, no admin, nothing school related.
The boys and me see a very different side to everyone else.

He's ignored me now since Saturday because I pulled him up on shouting at the kids at bedtime. I'm still being cheerful with our boys but I'm ignoring his sulking for now.

Do I give him a deadline for seeing the GP or therapy? Every time I go out with the boys, I see parents working as a team to manage their kids and I get angry, with myself for not being able to change this shitshow that my kids are seeing.

@Shouldhavedoneitsooner Yes, I have heard this from other teacher friends and parents. He takes a lot of recognition for achievements for things outside of his normal work-role. We had a chat earlier in the summer when I said that it was exhausting to have to listen to him each night - 90 minutes plus about what was so crap at work, Miss Lee who couldn't teach science properly, etc. Whenever we would sit down for dinner, it would all steer to him doing a PhD or Masters, some mentoring etc. I said I felt stifled that we could never talk about anything else over mealtimes. We could plan our next holiday or a trip in the south coast. How about some one-on-one time with DS 7?

About a day later, he just refused to sit with us for meals. I'd prepare lunch, eat with the boys and watch him raiding the cupboards for junk food or anything that required no cooking.

We've had a long time of any conversations in the home being all about the school - in the context of his place of work, not school stuff related to the boys being educated there.

I want to support what some previous posters have said. In all your posts, it reads to me like he is trying to force you into being the one who calls time on your relationship. He is being as unpleasant as possible, but ONLY to you and your boys. This is so he can paint himself as the injured party when you finally cave in and ask him to leave.

Don’t leave him and take the boys. Ask him to leave and be very very clear with him why that is. Your boys need their home which will give them some stability.

Have you also talked to friends and your family about his behaviour. If not, stop protecting him and tell people close to you what he is doing to you and your sons.

I hope you are able to see your worth, to ask him to leave and to protect your sons from him.

Sorry lots of my thoughts sound jumbled. I am sober and functioning.
I read a few posts and then something else springs into my mind

I have started to tell a few close friends.
Oh their dad didn't want to come with to watch the boys do rugby, he's was on his phone and ignored us. So I'm matter-of-fact about it rather than saying, oh he's a nightmare and upsetting it.

My friends look really uncomfortable when I've said actually it's horrid at home and I do the bulk of the childcare when school is closed.
A couple have changed the subject, and I don't want to impose on them. No-one wants that friend who moans all the time.

God the way some jump the gun to ltb on this website. This is what I would do;

Husband move out temporarily (move in at parents or a friend) and get some therapy, he sounds depressed and making everyone’s life hard.
Give him a clear message that his behaviour is damaging and you will separate permanently if he doesn’t seek help.

Meanwhile you need to get some extra help if it’s possible. A cleaner at least. A part-time nanny/babysitter/relative if you can, to do school pick ups and after school help at least a couple of evenings a week.

Don't leave your home. He says he wants to leave, tell him you agree that he should. See a solicitor and ignore his parents - they are gas-lighting you. Good luck, you and your DCs will be so much happier without him.

@WhereAreYouKeir

OP, when I started reading your thread, I thought of depression, but it's not, he's just leading a double life and treating his home as a hotel. It was chilling reading that he is a different, charming person with everyone else, especially as his (CF) parents have blamed you. Just read the good advice of the previous posters, do yourself and your boys a favour and see a solicitor. Personally I wouldn't want you to leave the house, he should be the one leaving.

Let him leave! Nobody is winning in this situation it is just making you all miserable and he sounds like an arsehole.

The kids will be more damaged by growing up in a house like that than they will with their parents living apart, trust me I have seen it.

Hugs to you it sounds like an awful situation to be in, things will get better, I promise.

OP, i feel so desperately sorry for you and those poor children.

This is just so dreadful for you and them.

Please tell people who love you the truth and tell him to leave.

Your children are being so emotionally abused and THEY KNOW IT.

Please help yourself and call Womens aid and get their advice.

Tell your GP the ugly truth.
If you ask them to contact SS for help it might get him to leave.

He sounds like a complete narcissistic arsehole.

I doubt he wants the truth emerging.
Use that to get him to leave the house.

Him leaving doesn't need to be the end of the relationship. You both need time away from each other and if he is indeed suffering from poor mental health, he needs to see professionals to get help for it.
Then, if the help he gets does in fact help then you could discuss him coming back home.
Sadly, all that came to my mind when you described him is the awful husband in Happy Valley, the pe teacher, who is seen as wonderful by everyone else, but is awful to his family. Not saying yours is violent like this character is btw.

@WhereAreYouKeir He's likely having an affair, Divorce him.

Living as you are is no fun for you or the children.

@WhereAreYouKeir

Therapy is not a magic solution that will turn your DH in the nice DH and DF that you and your children would like to have.

It can be absolutely life changing, and longer term analytic therapy can really bring about slow but deep seated change.

But ONLY, and ONLY, to the extent that the patient knows there is a problem, takes responsibility for their part in it, and wants to look at it.

Your DH sounds a million off all three parts of this test.

If he went along for assessment it sounds like he would say "I am only here as my wife made it an ultimatum, she is a nightmare, my kids are a nightmare, other people and other things "out there" are the source of all my difficulties."

And a therapist assessing him would have serious doubts about whether he would be able to make use of the therapy at all.

@TiredyMcTired Yes, I can see increasingly that he is looking for it. He always wants to be the good guy. Everything from boundary setting with the boys to stuff outside with his colleagues and peers. He can't be seen to be difficult or firm.
I think he doesn't want to be seen to be walking out on his family and be the 'bad guy'.

I haven't read all the replies, but it sounds to me from what I have read. He's mentally ended the relationship but is waiting for you to actually do it, so he can then play the "she left me", "wounded bird" cards.

My exh was just the same re wanting to be the good guy (& totally different character with outsiders he was trying to impress). In that respect it was extremely useful for me to actually find evidence of him not being the good guy. It was what eventually led to him leaving rather than me - he was refusing to go, too (and opposing me leaving with the kids).

I'm taking tomorrow morning off work to see a solicitor. It probably makes sense to see more than 1. One is a start though.

My exh was also a teacher. His dad too. I wonder if it's a job that's attractive to people who have issues around wanting to please their parents.

Well your friend might be right and he might be depressed.

However, he is doing NOTHING to help himself and rarher shifts the blame onto you. Nothinh is ever going to change because he doesnt want to make the effort to help himslef. And he is the only one who can do anything to help with his depression (like going to see a GP et...)
On paper, yes you could wait until he is coming out of it. In reality, what is telling you it will ever get better? But rather you will get more and more disconnected and ressentful towards each other.

The comment about you having to leave and for the dcs to stay with him....
lol
he isnt happy to look after them now. Why would he suddenly be happy to do so now? And why is he not doing his best to support his dc with reading. I mean he is a teacher, he is in the best place to do that, a much better place than any of the other parents!!
(He might also need a reminder that struggling to read age 7yo means fuck all about how his child will be doing academically later on. My youngest was struggling A LOT at that age - more than 1 year behind , many issues with language etc... he is doing his A levels this year, predicted A,A,A,A and getting offers at top universities. As a professional, he SHOULD KNOW THAT).
That's emotional manipulation. Don't accept it.

👏 good stuff OP

You and your boys deserve SO much better than this.
Yes you can give him a deadline to get therapy- what I will say is that my DM left my Dad after years of this, and suddenly he's in therapy, working on himself. He's taking you all for granted and expecting you will put up with his shit. If he's telling you he wants to leave but doesn't and continues to be abusive, that tells you a lot.
I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. My mum has very complex MH issues and I'd say quite a few of those were caused by being in that environment for so long.

xpost.
Tough if he doesnt want to look like the bad guy. Yoou are allowed to share your story too. And beig the one who take the decision doesnt automatically make you the bad guy.

Good for you for taking action OP. You can't make him do what he should do; you have to take the options that are available to you, and there aren't many.

I was afraid that everyone would believe his stories about me, as he'd invested so much in his good-guy persona that it would seem more credible. But actually most people couldn't have cared less anyway.

When he left and it was over, there was no point him continuing to keep up the nasty behaviour. He just buggered off and did his thing. When we did meet, it was far more civil. There's some advantage in a co-parent who is 100% happy to leave everything to you (if that's something you can manage?).

Please put yourself first.

You do not need this man at all. You have tried and tried and tried. On top of that you are a professional, a mother and a daughter dealing with stage 4 cancer, I'm so sorry to read that.

What does this man child bring to your life?

If you left him, what would you lose? All the negativity.

What would you gain? Inner peace and the ability to breathe freely for you and your boys in your own home.

I am suspecting infidelity of some sort on his part. Please don't allow someone else such control over your happiness. You are worth so, so much more.

The first post, I thought,
"Oh God, just boot him out, this one's a failed husband and father, just find yourself a nice single Dad (who DOESN'T want to live with you) for sex, dates and cuddles".
Then I read the rest of your posts.
Good luck with the solicitor!
Pity it had to come to this but I can't see what else you can do TBH.

OP, you already doing it all, admin, school, childcare etc.

If you divorce him at least you won't hear the shouting, won't experience the sulking and won't be walking on egg shells constantly.