Ignorance is no longer bliss

[WhereAreYouKeir]

I'm pretty confused about what is the best thing to do next and I'd like the sanity of strangers to help give my head a wobble.
DH started to withdraw from family life 17 months ago, it was very gradual and I guess I didn't see how bad it was until this Christmas.
Our boys are 7.5 and 5.5. DH is constantly irritated by the children and me.

To the extent the 7 year old says he's just mean or try to be extra quiet, (no bothering him in the morning).

There's no family time together, he actively avoids us. Hours at the gym, hours on his phone or doing some work project that is not needed (and doesn't warrant extra pay/time off/ recognition.) Basically avoiding us for hours.
He doesn't eat with us but will come in mid-meal and have toast leaving the boys to ask why isn't dad eating with us.

DH teaches in a primary school and has refused to look after the boys outside of term time. Just blank refused. He's doing things I'd expect someone to be doing who has no family commitments. London concerts, hours at the gym, hours on his phone. The bloody phone.

I'm the breadwinner and there's no bloody respite.
Work, children, housework, school admin.

Every time I bring something up, he says he wants to leave, says I'm a nightmare and don't make ANYONE happy. He shouts, raises his voice, slams doors, slams plates around, and of course, we all shut up.

He can go days without speaking to me at all.
I've tried to get him help for several months now. He has refused therapy and the GP. I've tried to get him to go to the GP for something else . His parents say they don't want to get involved. They tell me that I need therapy, I must have upset him.

His friends don't see the behaviour. He is super charming, affable, smooth with everyone else very nice. Helps the neighbours . And yet participates in absolutely nothing at home. No chores, no admin, nothing school related.
The boys and me see a very different side to everyone else.

He's ignored me now since Saturday because I pulled him up on shouting at the kids at bedtime. I'm still being cheerful with our boys but I'm ignoring his sulking for now.

Do I give him a deadline for seeing the GP or therapy? Every time I go out with the boys, I see parents working as a team to manage their kids and I get angry, with myself for not being able to change this shitshow that my kids are seeing.

If you're in a senior role, it can actually be easier to sort things out as a single parent than it can if you're lower down in the hierarchy, as you have more control over your diary.

You are already a single parent. Your job as a single parent will be made immeasurably easier without having to tiptoe around your "D"H.

Honestly, OP, your predicament is fairly familiar to me. Once he leaves (and it is him who should leave) you will be amazed at how relieved you will be.

I understand why you hesitate. But the loving partner and father in your head is only in your head. It does take time to let that fantasy (or memory) go, and be able to see the reality of the man currently in front of you, but when you do it's a relief. Only then will you and the kids be able to get on with your lives without having this thundercloud hovering over you.

Good luck op.

I have kept a log since May about who looks after the children and when. Outside of term time, it's a combination of activity clubs, swapsies with other parents and their children, plus unpaid dependents' leave for me.
Well done OP.
Plus, his refusal to look after his own children in the school holidays will serve him poorly when you document all this to your lawyer. That should scupper what I think is his plan - to force you to leave him in the marital home, your boys at his mercy, & you paying maintenance for the privilege.

You are sounding very switched on in your updates. I hope you can find your anger, & use it to help you power through the frustration & unfairness of how H is treating you all, & his parents' collusion with him. Their suggestion that YOU need therapy, when YOU are the one earning most of the money & keeping the entire domestic show on the road while H swans off to the gym & whatever is spectacularly poor form.

This is such a sad thread op. I have two grandchildren placed with me via the courts and I waited and hoped for years my dd would change, improve etc. Thought she had depression. To give you some perspective, the eldest is 20 this year and she remains the same because this is who she is sadly. Whilst it hurts me, it hurts the boys more just like yours.

I think when you refer to him being sunny and calm at first, well this was his public face wasn't it. I advise you not to waste any more time. You need to prioritise yourself and your boys. You need to start on the next phase of your life with your boys who I feel so sorry for. Thank God they have you. It does not matter what anyone else thinks believe me.

I just can't believe that he refuses to look after them outside of term-time when he's a teacher! WTAF?!

I'm a teacher, and one of the reasons (as well as loving teaching and kids) is so I could always be there for the kids during holidays! I could earn far more in industry (secondary teaching) but all the years of bring able to be with my children for 12 weeks of the year I couldn't buy back.

This is madness from him. WTF is he doing all summer/Easter/ half-term whilst you juggle care for the kids? At the fucking gym?! Most of his friends will be working (if not teachers). He's a piece of fucking work.

You are both also giving your children a sad experience which will affect them the same way as your background affected you. You need to get back into therapy yes it can feel hard to keep up but you need somewhere (else?) to vent. The reasons you give for leaving are fairly classic . It gets hard as memories and reflection kick in. Your old defences strengthen. The way you describe what’s happening it sounds like a sado masochistic dynamic. Couples counselling another option?

You sound very capable btw OP.

I think your self esteem is currently on the floor though with the abuse you’ve been putting up with.

You do know you and your boys deserve better dont you? I know it’s really hard as you obviously still love your dh despite his abuse - but you really need to listen to what others are saying here - there will be no good outcome from this it’ll just get worse.

Do you want your boys to be irreparably damaged by their df’s behaviour and the toxic environment they are growing up in? I’m assuming no, so there’s only one thing you can do and that’s start the ball rolling to get divorced and throw this evil man out.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP. You sound lovely and completely undeserving of this treatment. What you’ve described is emotional and psychological abuse. If he is unwilling to take responsibility for his poor mental health (assuming thats the problem and not him just being a twat) then he needs to live his life alone, away from other people who could be hurt by his toxic behaviour. I’ve been in a similar situation for some time, although I’m not the breadwinner. It’s crushing. I feel awful for you.

I know its not straightforward, but he needs to leave.

You deserve so much better than this and so do your poor children. This is abuse, pure and simple.

In case there is another woman, and let’s be honest, there are a lot of markers, I think you should book an STI check.

As per another poster upthread, I also wonder if it's actually another man, rather than another woman.

Not that it ultimately makes any difference.

OP, I promise you that however scary/sad it might seem today, life in the future without this man will be so much easier and happier than it is now, with him.

How on earth did you come to the decision to get a tutor for your DS when he has a ready made one at home? I just don’t get this at all. How does your DH reconcile this?

Anyone in your family/friends groups would surely be as baffled? It’s total madness.

Your poor children. I would be reading him the riot act! How dare he put his self/image before his own child!

It’s clear he doesn’t care so get advice to leave.

I'm sorry I've only read up to page 8 but I have to go to work and just wanted to say one thing...

Your 7 year old is telling you all you need to know, please listen to him. Xx

Like others have said, arm yourself with evidence. It sounds like you’ve already got the sense to do this. Speak to a solicitor, keep up with the record taking and I would also consider seeking some emotional support for your children. Not only might this be good for them, but the truth of his behaviour will be evidenced in their way that your children present sadly.

The more I read the more he sounds like a proper dickhead. The - not reading with your DS but helping other peoples children - is gross. He doesn’t deserve you. I know the word gets overused, and I’m not qualified to say anything, but he sounds like a narcissist.

Get tooled up and don’t be afraid to ask on here for support on here if no one around you gets it. We’re rooting for you!

@wizzywig Yes, I think so. I feel that his ego is so bruised by me being the one who had ( I can't be away with work overnight any more) work-related trips. I've been a speaker at some conferences, I don't like it but it pays well and helps with networking in my sector.

In the summer I was part of a small team advising a European government on something, a big task but we did really well. When I got back late on the Friday night, he didn't ask me how it had gone, nor save me any pizza. I could see he was so cross with me at being away and I ended up playing down what I'd done to my sister and friends when I saw them.

Looking back, I had every reason to be proud , (so few women in senior management in my sector) and yet he sounded as though I had done it all to annoy him more than anything else.

I know now that he very much resents what I do and what I earn. But it is family money in my head, not mine.

How terribly sad they he cannot rejoice and be proud of your achievements.

He is a weak man. His ego cannot take your being successful and earning more than he does.

I’m so sorry but this alone is enough to make him leave.

Is this the role model you want your boys seeing every day?

No, of course not. Families aren’t always destroyed by violence, the insidious behaviour of your husband is wreaking huge emotional damage.

I’m sorry you’re having to live like this. I think it’s time to stop always looking for excuses for his behaviour, though.

It’s natural to try to see the best in someone, and excuse shitty behaviour with “they must be depressed” or “they must be jealous of my higher-status job”, etc. But at some point you have to consider that he is simply choosing to treat you this way, he don’t want to be a good husband and father, and you shouldn’t put up with it.

I though my exh was depressed, too - well, that's what he claimed. It was very plausible. But it wasn't that after all. I snooped on his emails and he was very happy with an affair partner (not the first, it turned out), nothing about depression in there.

Your dh isn't going to admit to it, but in case it helps you to consider the idea that this might really be none of your fault at all and that it might not be therapy he requires, here's a list of signs I put on someone else's thread the other day (i.e. a week before reading your description of your situation):

• different "work hours" (whatever the explanation)
• mentioning a new "work colleague" or similar
• unexplained mood changes
• new interests, e.g. buys a new book/watches a new TV series that "someone" recommended
• unexpected tan
• change in social media habits - new apps
• negative about things you do/did that he was previously OK with
• "not tired yet" when you go to bed so stays in another room
• other excuses to be in a different place from you
• not wanting to make plans
• not joining in conversations, as if not part of the family
• funny about you potentially tracking him, e.g. if you say you phoned his hotel or your friend is in the same town, or suggest sharing locations

You may never find out what's going on. But don't wait too long to make the changes that you are able to make. It does your head in otherwise.

I have kept a log since May about who looks after the children and when. Outside of term time, it's a combination of activity clubs, swapsies with other parents and their children, plus unpaid dependents' leave for me.

Sorry, I skimmed over the part in the OP where you said he refuses to look after the children during the school holidays. Fucking what???!!! And I'll bet he leaves all of that for you to organise, too, doesn't he? What purpose does this man serve??!

He is not a father at this point, he's a sperm donor. Absolutely pitiful behaviour. I'll never understand how a man like that can look at his own reflection in the mirror. I'd be utterly ashamed if that was my son.

As I said, he's now WORSE than a lodger, because at least a lodger would be civil when talking to you and the boys. Those poor boys.

Do you think he is waiting for you to kick him out so he can play the injured party? Everyone will have sympathy with the life and soul of the party and how could you kick out such a wonderful man?

Are you noting that this thread is pretty much unanimous in telling you to get rid of him?

Not only does he bring nothing to your lives he actually takes from them.

Please LTB

100% this.

He is not bringing anything positive to your life or the lives of your children.

He leaves. Now.

Best of luck to you.

Hi OP,
I don’t say LTB lightly but your husband being “funtime frankie” with everybody else and a cold fish with your children will destroy their mental health as they get older.

Pack his bags. He is a family man. If he has mental health problems he needs to seek help and medication to manage them. Until he does he can live somewhere else.

You also deserve the best of someone and not the worst. I don’t think you should even encourage contact with the kids unless he can treat them with love and affection. A teacher that won’t look after his own kids in the holidays - that is unreal. You won’t miss him - he is a waste of space as a partner and father.

He doesn't get to call the shots.

If he says he wants to leave, make sure his suitcases are handy (so as not to have an argument about that), and tell him he's free to pack and find somewhere else to live. You're not going to pack for him. He wants to leave, let him leave.

This sounds like my ex, even with regards to his job, and the phone usage, and clocking out of family life. Things came to an abrupt end when I found a receipt for a hotel in his pocket dated at a time he was “at the cinema”. He came clean in so much as admitting he booked it for himself and another woman. He claimed it was an escort (a one off and first time, and that the women never even showed up) but I suspect it had been a long term affair, probably with a colleague.