Ignorance is no longer bliss

[WhereAreYouKeir]

I'm pretty confused about what is the best thing to do next and I'd like the sanity of strangers to help give my head a wobble.
DH started to withdraw from family life 17 months ago, it was very gradual and I guess I didn't see how bad it was until this Christmas.
Our boys are 7.5 and 5.5. DH is constantly irritated by the children and me.

To the extent the 7 year old says he's just mean or try to be extra quiet, (no bothering him in the morning).

There's no family time together, he actively avoids us. Hours at the gym, hours on his phone or doing some work project that is not needed (and doesn't warrant extra pay/time off/ recognition.) Basically avoiding us for hours.
He doesn't eat with us but will come in mid-meal and have toast leaving the boys to ask why isn't dad eating with us.

DH teaches in a primary school and has refused to look after the boys outside of term time. Just blank refused. He's doing things I'd expect someone to be doing who has no family commitments. London concerts, hours at the gym, hours on his phone. The bloody phone.

I'm the breadwinner and there's no bloody respite.
Work, children, housework, school admin.

Every time I bring something up, he says he wants to leave, says I'm a nightmare and don't make ANYONE happy. He shouts, raises his voice, slams doors, slams plates around, and of course, we all shut up.

He can go days without speaking to me at all.
I've tried to get him help for several months now. He has refused therapy and the GP. I've tried to get him to go to the GP for something else . His parents say they don't want to get involved. They tell me that I need therapy, I must have upset him.

His friends don't see the behaviour. He is super charming, affable, smooth with everyone else very nice. Helps the neighbours . And yet participates in absolutely nothing at home. No chores, no admin, nothing school related.
The boys and me see a very different side to everyone else.

He's ignored me now since Saturday because I pulled him up on shouting at the kids at bedtime. I'm still being cheerful with our boys but I'm ignoring his sulking for now.

Do I give him a deadline for seeing the GP or therapy? Every time I go out with the boys, I see parents working as a team to manage their kids and I get angry, with myself for not being able to change this shitshow that my kids are seeing.

The unkindness to your children stands out in your posts. Your beautiful children have their whole lives ahead of them and do not deserve to be treated as an inconvenience or a disappointment. I promise I’m not saying this to be unkind but this kind of behaviour could have a long term impact on their mental health.

Please find a way out. Set a deadline if it makes you feel better. 💐

I do catch him preening alot in the mirror talking about his weight loss or new trouser size. And the idea of another woman has crossed my mind on many occasions.

Actually... I am thinking maybe another man? He's unhappy but wont say why, he's hiding from everyone, he wants the kids, he wants you gone, he's off at the gym, he's preening, but no obvious woman on the scene.

It's not just depressives who drop the nice / functioning mask at home. Anyway, depressed or not, gay or straight, the bigger problem is that he is not takng any responsibility for addressing his own issues or for making things better for himself and his family. And you can't do that for him. As long as his go-to strategy is to blame you and be nasty to his own children, you will be doing more harm than good by looking for explanations or hoping for the best.

Being treated this way by him and his family must really mess swith your head. I guess he is covering up for how badly he treats his own children, and that's why he can blame you to his family and they just don't realise what's happening to their grandchildren in private.

Can you find some support for yourself and start figuring out an exit strategy?

This is very true.

OP I divorced for much less than what you say, much less, because exDP has always been and always will be an excellent father. Still, I was deeply unhappy as we werent suited. The relief I felt the day he left was phenomenal.

This was 14 years ago. We have a great relationship and have co-parented really well. I'm remarried with another child and incredibly happy. He's not remarried and incredibly happy too. There are many ways to be happy- the first step is to get away from the wrong person.

That's interesting - I can see how this may have brought his narcissism out in the open - combined perhaps with some offended ego at not being the higher earner anymore. But in the end it doesn't matter why. He's treating OP and kids awfully, and has been doing so long term, consciously and consistently. Any decent man would have caught these instincts in himself, talked about it, taken responsibility and sorted it long ago.

It's not our job to fix men who are so below the most basic bar for how they should be as humans. (Not saying you are saying this, @should, I'm just saying it to OP.)

We just need to free ourselves of these kind of people.

I’d also consider starting to record his rants, as he will surely try and turn this all round on you.

This.

You clearly need to go your separate ways, but you and the DCs should stay in your home and he should leave.

This.

The marriage is over.

you said it, he's just awful. Don't bother with deadlines for change, that 100% won't work. Throw him out, frame it out as you can see he needs space, he must see it's bad for the kids etc if you must, but get this brooding volatile presence out of your house.
You worry that you're risking throwing away something that could be fixed, but truly if he wakes up in a year and realises what a prick he's been, and what a precious thing he's lost, that's on him. You may or may not be open to a reconciliation then. But don't let the prospect of this possible magical change let you spend a year miserable and waiting. Move on with your life towards a happy positive environment for you and the kids, and if one day he comes crawling back, you can decide if you're interested or not, and set your own terms.

What’s the housing situation OP? It sounds like he wants out, but doesn’t want to give up the house or have it look like he’s abandoning his children (even though he doesn’t pay them any attention!).
Is he in a position to buy you out of the house? Or take on the full rent himself? If he isn’t then he needs a reality check. If he is, could you get a suitable place for you and the boys on your salary alone? With your share of the equity of course if you own the house together.
Or if you bought him out of the house would he have enough equity + salary to buy a suitable flat/house - a 2 bed place would be fine.

Stop kidding yourself. He doesn’t sound remotely depressed or unwell. He is having an affair, possibly with a married woman who won’t leave her husband which is why he won’t leave you but is telling you the truth that he wants to leave.

Let him go, your children can see how unhappy he is at home and they will think it’s them and will grow up always thinking they weren’t good enough or trying to please him when nothing will. That is so damaging to them.

There will be a period of time where you will be upset and grieve at the loss of the relationship and you will even miss him despite how cold he has turned, but that will pass and you and your children be much happier with him gone.

@Mummyoflittledragon I've started to spend time with DS to help him with readings on school days. We've dropped some after-school clubs so he can be home in quiet to do the reading. DH of course runs these clubs (on a voluntary basis, to raise his own profile). The irony of it all is terrible. DH could really make a difference with our boy, but it's all about him and what other parents think of him.

We have a tutor lined up since Christmas, she's been poorly and will start in two weeks. DS doesn't understand why a nice lady teacher will be helping with reading instead of dad.

This OP.
Save your children and save yourself.

Tamarindtree

as brutal at it is , I have to say i thought the the same

what grizzled veterans we all are

@Anon132 I did explore therapy for me earlier this year. I learned that I have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility due to caring for mum (v.poor mental health and lots of surgery for her during my schooling years). Always trying to keep positive, keeping everyone else emotionally ok stems from childhood experiences. I ended it after 3 months because I felt utterly wrung out after a session and still the same workload, childcare stuff etc to deal with.

Doesn't that break your heart? Does he teach at your DC school?

Please make sure you record who looks after the children when you're not there - holidays etc. Make it clear to your solicitor (get one ASAP) that he is not involved so that he can't pretend he's the primary carer - because he'll want the maintenance

@2Hot2Handle I'm sorry to hear this. It is a crippling load for me, at least it feels that way. It's not the sort of stress I can thrive off. I know some in breadwinner roles, thrive off the pressure, but I honestly don't.
I have managed redundancies in my workplace, disciplinaries, supplier failiures all that stuff. I try to be as just as I can.
And yet at home, the injustice of it all is so disempowering.

Your advice is very very good. I do need to take a few days off work and figure all this out with a plan down on paper.

I think he’s having an affair.

He wants to make things so awful that you throw him out and he can then blame you for the split and look like the injured party . He sounds like the type who cares a lot about how others perceive him. A new woman will probably suddenly emerge a few months later and he’ll claim they met after you’d chucked him out.

Either that or he’s dithering between leaving and staying bc he likes the perks of being married. Do him a favour, Chuck him out and make his mind up for him.

Tale as old as time!

@sweetgingercat Really appreciate the detailed advice and you taking the time to reply in what must be the middle of the night.

Sorry to say it, but my money's on him having an affair

Do I give him a deadline for seeing the GP or therapy? No

WhereAreYouKeir

by the way life is much sweeter without a man like this around
yes it’s not easy to end these things

no one shouting
no walking on eggshells
you find new single mum friends
you wake up not dreading the day
your House your rules
youll find a support network
work will be supportive
you can think of the future again
in general the people around you are nice

i understand what you mean about therapy
it’s gruelling

but don’t try and fix this
break it and move on x

@Nanny0gg
Yes he is a teacher as DS school. He teaches children the same age, but in a different class. It's a 2 class per year school and the school policy is that children are not in the same form as their parents. Lots of staff children there with it being a small village school with a big catchment.

It does upset me yes.
I have kept a log since May about who looks after the children and when. Outside of term time, it's a combination of activity clubs, swapsies with other parents and their children, plus unpaid dependents' leave for me.

It really baffled me reading your first post as to why you thought the GP or therapy would be the answer! He has fallen out of love with you, and doesn't particularly like his children.

He hasn't got the guts to leave. I wouldn't mind betting that even if you physically pushed him out of the door/threw him out of the window (which obvs you should NOT do!), he wouldn't leave quietly, for all that he says he wants to go.

Get lawyered up, because I can guarantee that once the divorce proceedings start, he will get even nastier. I'd work towards seperating finances, securing your accounts, getting your paperwork together etc asap, before he has the chance to appropriate them.

And keep telling your children that it's not their fault and that you love them. (I'm afraid he has to be the one to tell them that he loves them though--)

Sorry I am behind in reading all the messages, currently waiting in the GP surgery for a prescription that has gone astray.

You need to tell him to leave. If you want to see if things might work out (don't get your hopes up) then give yourself (not him, you don't give him any chance to negotiate) a deadline - say 6 months and if he hasn't taken any steps himself (not you booking things for him) to improve his mental health or whatever is going on then you start divorce proceedings.

Your children are telling/showing you how unhappy they are with the current situation, listen to them and take the necessary steps to remedy it. It won't be easy but surely a busy life not walking on eggshells is far better than an equally busy life with the added stress and worry of a volatile partner.