Spouse visa renewal / separation

[AutumnEnglishRose]

Dear all,

I'm in a tricky situation with my husband and don't know where to turn for advice.

I'm British, he's not. We were together 17 years, married for 5. We have a little boy aged 6.

We were living in his country when our son was born, then we decided to move to the UK to be nearer my family. My husband applied for and was granted a spouse visa. This is a 5 year route to get permanent residency (Indefinite Leave to Remain or ILR) in the UK.

At first all was ok, but our relationship got increasingly difficult. We renewed his visa 2.5 years ago and it was granted again. Meanwhile our relationship went from bad to worse.

In March 2022, I couldn't take it anymore and asked to separate. He moved out of our home and I remained there with our son. He stayed in regular contact with our son and has done ever since.

At the time we separated, my husband was very worried about the impact on his visa, as he was here on a spouse visa based on our relationship.

At the time, I told him not to worry as I was sure we could just renew the visa - we had been together 16 years and had a child, it had been a genuine relationship all that time, but had sadly ended. Also, we had no plans to divorce yet, just live apart for a while and see how we feel. We decided to keep his post coming to my address and remain registered here for his work, etc.

Nine months later, he needs to renew his visa and I don't think I can sign the spouse declaration. Having read this, it says that "I confirm that we are living together in a relationship like marriage and intend to continue doing so" which is of course, not true. My husband is renting a room with a landlord nearby. We did recently have a family holiday with our son, to visit his native country, however this was platonic.

I'm very scared about the situation - we both work full time, and I am scared that if we apply to renew his visa, then get found out, we could face criminal consequences.

I have tried to have this conversation with him, and I have apologised for saying in the beginning that it would all be fine, as I was not thinking straight in the throes of a painful separation. I have told him that I want to help him given that he is my son's father, but I cannot sign something that could put me at risk of losing my job, or worse.

I have asked him to apply instead for the "parent of a British child" visa, which he is clearly entitled to, as our son is British and settled here. I have offered to support him gathering the evidence for this, which is basically our son's passport and a letter from his school confirming that his dad is involved in his life. This would be easy to obtain.

However, my husband says he is not prepared to do this, as applying for the "parent visa" means re-starting the 5 year clock before he can get permanent UK residency, which he had expected to get this year, 2023, through his current spouse visa route. He said that he wants to continue living and working here to be near our son, but if I refuse to sign the spouse declaration, he feels he will be left with no choice but to leave the UK and return to his country (which is very far away).

This course of action would be devastating for our 6 year old son who has a close, loving relationship with his dad, and who had adjusted well to our separation largely (in my view) because he has remained in close contact with his dad. Losing his dad to move to the other side of the world now, would be devastating. Also, it would be very hard for me to parent him totally alone, as I work long hours, and also depend on the child maintenance support my husband provides.

I have tried saying all this to my husband and implored him to see sense and apply for the Parent Visa, with my support. But he remains firm in his stance that I must sign the document or he will leave. He has also alluded to removing financial support, not having anything more to do with me/our son, etc. He currently provides a decent level of child maintenance support to me, without which I could not afford to continue paying the mortgage on our (small) home and providing for our son.

I am considering signing the document because the alternative - my son losing his father, and financial difficulties - seems even worse right now than the risk of getting into trouble.

Can anyone give any advice? I cannot afford to speak to an immigration lawyer by myself (again, I have suggested this to my husband and offered to pay halves for a consultation but he refused).
I'm desperate to do the right thing for my child, and feel lost.

Thank you

I find it very hard to believe that since March 2022 neither of you thought about this scenario, when you both clearly knew it was a spousal visa. This situation is on both of you. It doesn’t take being an immigration expert or actually anything to not understand spousal visa.

Yes, the system is complicated and can be ruthless, but it’s absolute insanity to play with the Home Office, especially when you have such an obvious situation (separated physically, you’ve told people you were separated, you’ll have clearance checks…). Yes, it’s expensive and it’s a mess, what makes you think you’re more entitled to avoid it than everyone else who has to go through the same thing.

Sorry, I don’t wish to be mean, but you made your beds here, you were one of the very fortunate ones for whom it was actually a straightforward possibility, and a matter of holding it out 9 months if you really wished to.

Wish you the best.

I don't think you can lie on the declaration. I've read the wording to see if it could be interpreted very broadly to encompass your situation (and therefore sign honestly) but I don’t think it can. If it got challenged and cross referenced with your security clearance checks (no idea if this could happen) then you'd be in trouble with the home office and work. Not worth it.

Look - he's trying to blackmail you with an ultimatum and it's highly likely he's calling your bluff. He clearly REALLY wants to stay in the UK so I doubt very much he really means he'll abandon the parent visa option. He's just trying to strongarm you into a fast track to ILR which he'll otherwise have to wait longer for.

I can see why you ended the relationship to be honest. He's bullying you or trying to.

Invite the poor man back home, sign what you need , he sounds a lovely father, pays so much, wants to be around your son, isn't abusive, what is so hard here ....?!

I think there is a forum somewhere whihch is really helpful
www.immigrationboards.com/indefinite-leave-to-remain/
try posting on here, or one of the other boards on the site
very up to date and revelvant help

But he IS abusive, that’s why they split up

He's so abusive that they went on a platonic family holiday today and other people in the family are willing to help him financially to stay in the country? Uh-huh....

Ultimately you need a lawyer.
I maintain what I previously said about you having a year to think about your child.
I’m a multiple immigrant for full disclosure, always legally (and the nightmare that comes with it). I know both legal and illegal in several European countries (we’re all from a country with ‘legitimate’ security risks, my uncle was shot in the head… And like everyone, it’s been a nightmare). So I’m sorry if I struggle to sympathise, I empathise, but sympathise I just can’t.
Its so incredibly disrespectful to go on a platonic holiday knowing what was awaiting, and how f*ing damn lucky you were one of the rare fortunate ones.

I hope you manage to sort it out for the sake of your child.

Hi all, OP here and sorry I disappeared for a while.

Also sorry this post has sparked so much controversy.. which had basically mirrored the back-and-forth in my head over the last few months.

I am pleased to report that we have resolved the situation. 3 weeks ago, my ex and I agreed to pay halves to get advice from an immigration lawyer. We had a meeting with her together and told her the full story. She advised we would be foolish to renew his spouse visa, even though we do have the evidence to do so (shared utility bills etc). The reason being that even if he was awarded the visa, if anything came out later down the line- even years later- that we had not been fully honest, he could lose his ILR and even citizenship. She cited a case where a man had his citizenship revoked 10 years later because it came to light that he had used deception in his original visa application. She strongly advised us to apply for a Parent visa even if it means starting the 5 year clock again and spending more. She also said that I could lose my Civil Service job if any of this came to light.

My ex decided to do that and has now submitted an application for a Parent of British Child visa. I wrote a detailed supporting letter. And I helped him obtain supporting letters from our child's school, GP, childminder and family friends. I feel bad for him that the 5 year clock had started again before he can get ILR, but in reality his day to day life is not affected; he can continue in his job and have the peace of mind that he will definitely not ever face any kind of trouble regarding his immigration status. He is fully eligible for the Parent visa as he sees our son 3 x per week and is actively involved.

The relief is indescribable. I was very worried about singing the form and the possible repercussions for my job. I have just moved to a new role and had to renew my security clearance, meaning I had to detail who lives in my household and what my marital situation is. I have been fully honest and not faced lying on any government forms, which is all I wanted to avoid in the first place!!

I've seen some comments about coercion/abuse. For what it's worth, I believe my ex was emotionally abusive throughout our relationship which is what led me to eventually end it. He called me names, told me I'd never meet anyone else, blamed all our problems on me, told me I was stupid regularly. Several times he accused me of cheating when I hadn't. Many times, if I tried to end it he resorted to threats of withdrawing financial contributions/returning to his home country. So the relationship had to end. It took me a very long time to get to the point that I could, and stick to it. But like any abuser, he is not all bad, and in fact mostly good- he is funny, hardworking, friendly, and an interesting person to talk to. The bad side is "just" his controlling and abusive tendency. It took me a very long time to realise that.

And his good side comes out when he is with our child. He is genuinely a committed, loving father. Now our son is able to enjoy their relationship without having to be caught in the crossfire of an unhealthy/abusive situation.

Even the platonic holiday we had, was a mistake as when we returned he became very nasty towards me again when he realised the relationship was not getting back together. Deapite me not giving even the slightest signal, he had interpreted the holiday as a sign we might get back on track. Since then I have realised that the only way to deal with him is to be 100% boundaried, firm, and civil. I will always be civil to him for the sake of our child, who is happy and well adjusted.

I am pleased I stuck to my guns and refused to sign. If anyone wants to judge me for that, that's okay. Because I know now that it was my ex's decision what to do next, not mine. It was his responsibility to decide to leave, or apply for the other visa and stay. I'm really glad he made the right choice.

Hope this update is helpful for anyone in the same situation ever. And thank you for all your comments ♥️

One further comment... we did consider moving back in together. Very very briefly! But it would have been incredibly confusing for our child, who was upset when he first moved out, and has gradually adjusted well over the past year. He would have found it very destabilising to have Dad move back in, then out again. Currently he talks happily about "mummy's house" and "daddy's house" and it took us both a year of love and patience to get him to this point. No way would I set him back again now.
Not to mention we live in a 2 bedroom flat and it would have been hell on earth. He would have trampled all over any boundaries I tried to set. Some things are just a no.

I have read the comments about how foolish we were not looking into this when we first split up. 100% agreed. I should have taken the time to sit down and review our options then, not now. So should he. We could have applied for the Parent visa then and saved a year of extra time. All I can say is, it was a terrible time. I wasn't thinking in my right mind, just getting through each day. He rained down nastiness and guilt trips on me for the first few months after moving out. My capacity to think about his visa was limited to "that'll be OK, I'll just sign it". Stupid, I know. I did intend to sign it. But looking back, I wasn't thinking straight. Sometimes it takes time to see things in the cold light of day, and make the right decision.
Thankfully, we both now have.

I’m really happy that you could resolve this dilemma for all concerned. Visa/residency issues are fraught with problems and you were obviously in a difficult situation. Good luck and I hope that it all works out.

He sounds like an awful man and you have been very generous towards him considering his abuse of you.

I am glad to read that you wouldn't sign a false declaration, which would have been very wrong IMO.

Stay boundaried with him.

He may be an interested father but he is not a good man.

Remain alert and wary.

I’m so glad that you got legal advice, OP, -yes, it’s expensive, but it’s put you on the right path. Now you can proceed with the divorce and your son can still maintain his close relationship with his Dad-but the visa situation will be independent of you!

I'm really pleased to read this update OP. Definitely the best outcome for everyone.