Spouse visa renewal / separation

[AutumnEnglishRose]

Dear all,

I'm in a tricky situation with my husband and don't know where to turn for advice.

I'm British, he's not. We were together 17 years, married for 5. We have a little boy aged 6.

We were living in his country when our son was born, then we decided to move to the UK to be nearer my family. My husband applied for and was granted a spouse visa. This is a 5 year route to get permanent residency (Indefinite Leave to Remain or ILR) in the UK.

At first all was ok, but our relationship got increasingly difficult. We renewed his visa 2.5 years ago and it was granted again. Meanwhile our relationship went from bad to worse.

In March 2022, I couldn't take it anymore and asked to separate. He moved out of our home and I remained there with our son. He stayed in regular contact with our son and has done ever since.

At the time we separated, my husband was very worried about the impact on his visa, as he was here on a spouse visa based on our relationship.

At the time, I told him not to worry as I was sure we could just renew the visa - we had been together 16 years and had a child, it had been a genuine relationship all that time, but had sadly ended. Also, we had no plans to divorce yet, just live apart for a while and see how we feel. We decided to keep his post coming to my address and remain registered here for his work, etc.

Nine months later, he needs to renew his visa and I don't think I can sign the spouse declaration. Having read this, it says that "I confirm that we are living together in a relationship like marriage and intend to continue doing so" which is of course, not true. My husband is renting a room with a landlord nearby. We did recently have a family holiday with our son, to visit his native country, however this was platonic.

I'm very scared about the situation - we both work full time, and I am scared that if we apply to renew his visa, then get found out, we could face criminal consequences.

I have tried to have this conversation with him, and I have apologised for saying in the beginning that it would all be fine, as I was not thinking straight in the throes of a painful separation. I have told him that I want to help him given that he is my son's father, but I cannot sign something that could put me at risk of losing my job, or worse.

I have asked him to apply instead for the "parent of a British child" visa, which he is clearly entitled to, as our son is British and settled here. I have offered to support him gathering the evidence for this, which is basically our son's passport and a letter from his school confirming that his dad is involved in his life. This would be easy to obtain.

However, my husband says he is not prepared to do this, as applying for the "parent visa" means re-starting the 5 year clock before he can get permanent UK residency, which he had expected to get this year, 2023, through his current spouse visa route. He said that he wants to continue living and working here to be near our son, but if I refuse to sign the spouse declaration, he feels he will be left with no choice but to leave the UK and return to his country (which is very far away).

This course of action would be devastating for our 6 year old son who has a close, loving relationship with his dad, and who had adjusted well to our separation largely (in my view) because he has remained in close contact with his dad. Losing his dad to move to the other side of the world now, would be devastating. Also, it would be very hard for me to parent him totally alone, as I work long hours, and also depend on the child maintenance support my husband provides.

I have tried saying all this to my husband and implored him to see sense and apply for the Parent Visa, with my support. But he remains firm in his stance that I must sign the document or he will leave. He has also alluded to removing financial support, not having anything more to do with me/our son, etc. He currently provides a decent level of child maintenance support to me, without which I could not afford to continue paying the mortgage on our (small) home and providing for our son.

I am considering signing the document because the alternative - my son losing his father, and financial difficulties - seems even worse right now than the risk of getting into trouble.

Can anyone give any advice? I cannot afford to speak to an immigration lawyer by myself (again, I have suggested this to my husband and offered to pay halves for a consultation but he refused).
I'm desperate to do the right thing for my child, and feel lost.

Thank you

That’s long gone, apart from rare situations. They did ask things like what colour are your bedroom curtains. I mean many husbands would get this wrong!

Signing it would be breaking the law. It's not disgusting to be honest.

Thank you for your reply.

Just to clarify, he wouldn't need to apply for the parent visa from outside the UK. He can apply from here, continue in his full time job, and he would almost certainly get it, as he is named on our son's birth certificate and we can easily prove he is involved in his life.
I have already obtained the supporting letter from our son's school and emailed it to him.

His "only" objection (and I recognise it is a fair one) is that he will have to start the 5 year clock again and wait longer for ILR, also paying the renewal fees every 2.5 years.
He wants to do a Masters in the UK and cannot do this until he gets ILR/citizenship.

I am sorely tempted to sign because it is just one more renewal until he gets ILR and this would help him a lot + be good for our child.
However, I am even more scared of essentially lying on a government document. When he DOES in fact have another visa option.

I have also pointed out to him that he himself would be taking a great risk when applying for this renewal on the basis of a lie, and the consequences for him would be worse than for me, I.e. he could get deported and banned. This seemed to fall completely on deaf ears and he just kept repeating "but we're married, we're not doing anything wrong" and accusing me of not supporting him.

I should also add, I work in the Civil Service. I have security clearance. To renew my security clearance they ask all sorts of in-depth questions, even including personal relationships and sex life. I will be nothing but fully honest about my personal situation, as lying in a security clearance interview is even worse than lying to obtain a visa! This is the way we could get found out, and it would be disastrous as I could lose my job. It would only take my employer to check out my husband's immigration status (which they will probably do as part of my next security clearance) and they would see that he renewed his spouse visa in January 2023... whereas I will have shared (if/when they ask) that I am separated from him since March.

I want to help him, I care about him and above all our son needs his dad. But he also needs me (who pays 90% of his living costs) to remain employed and not in prison...

Thank you so much everyone for giving your replies and views.

The debate on here reflects the awful dilemma going round in my head :(

For everyone saying that I should sign, please understand: the declaration itself that I would sign, says this: "I confirm that I am still living with him in the UK in a relationship akin to marriage, and intend to continue living together permanently in the UK."
Underneath, there is a disclaimer saying it is a criminal offence to give false information to obtain a visa.

And I'm a government employee!!

I don't want to ruin his life. I'm just terrified of getting into trouble. He has got me over a barrel as he's utterly refusing to consider the parent visa and he will ruin my and my son's life if I don't sign it.

OP, you know exactly what you have to do, and it's be 100% honest on these forms.

It's not your fault that he's threatening to abandon his child and his financial responsibilities towards them to try to force you to put your job at risk, just so that he doesn't need to restart the 5 year wait ffs ! That's 100% what HE'S CHOOSING to do, just because it suits him !

Lying on the official forms would also give him something easy to blackmail/hold you to ransom over too.
So if he wants his child to have a 1 month holiday in his home country alone with him ? You'd be forced to say yes, or he would threaten to report you for a false declaration ! So he'd always have you 'over a barrel' and could use it to force you to agree to almost anything !

Tell him absolutely NO ! You will NOT be lying on any official document.

If he still chooses to throw his toys out of the pram and flounce off home, then so be it ! That's HIS choice to make.

He has been emotionally controlling throughout our relationship which is one of the main reasons I couldn't take it anymore and asked him to move out in March.

If it hadn't been for the toxic and controlling behaviour towards me, we could have tried to live platonically under the same roof for 1 more year until his final visa renewal (I.e. now). But it was unbearable and I felt close to a breakdown still living with him.

All that said, he is a loving father to our child and they have a great relationship. All 3 of us have been much happier since living separately and having regular (3 x weekly) contact between them.

I am fully committed to helping him stay close to our son in any way that I can - I have even offered to pay for an immigration lawyer and pay the visa renewal fees every 2.5 years if he changes route (I don't have savings, my family have all rallied round and offered to chip in!)

Someone said the parent visa is more complex to obtain, but according to the government guidance it is for people exactly in his position- parent of British child but separated from partner.
We can easily evidence with documents from school, childminder, family and friends that he is actively involved in our son's life. So what would be hard to prove??

"He accused me of not supporting him"

Well what obligation do you have to him to support him? You've split up. Your obligations to each other have ended. Your obligations are to your son and there is another option for him to get a visa.

Don't be manipulated by him

Thanks for your reply and support.

I do feel like he's blackmailing me right now. Out of desperation, he is scared of losing his status here, but still.

However, I do not think he would ever blackmail me with telling people I lied on the document, as surely that would only put HIM at risk too- it's his visa!! He is willing to blackmail and threaten me only if it doesn't affect him... perhaps classic abusive behaviour :(

I'd sign the form OP. Our visa system is shit, broken, unfair and untrustworthy. Given that I wouldn't feel bad at all about circumventing it for the sake of your child

I should also add, I work in the Civil Service. I have security clearance. To renew my security clearance they ask all sorts of in-depth questions, even including personal relationships and sex life. I will be nothing but fully honest about my personal situation, as lying in a security clearance interview is even worse than lying to obtain a visa! This is the way we could get found out, and it would be disastrous as I could lose my job. It would only take my employer to check out my husband's immigration status (which they will probably do as part of my next security clearance) and they would see that he renewed his spouse visa in January 2023... whereas I will have shared (if/when they ask) that I am separated from him since March.

You really should have detailed this in your initial post as I suspect then the majority of responses would have been very different.

It’s absolutely not a risk you should take. In fact, you should have already advised relevant depts that you have separated. My spouse has government security screening (not UK) and he must tell them if his relationship status changes, he moves out or I move out. Not sure if the same for you?

I was in this situation save that my split wasn't amicable. I informed Immigration of the split and learned it would take them 9m to a year to 'look into it'. In your situation I would absolutely not lie to the authorities, but I would get around it by having him move back in for as much time as you can stand so that your declaration is as truthful as possible or certainly beyond investigation.

He probably needn't stay the whole period.

Assuming you still have all the requisite evidence, sign it. The migration system is shit. Applying for a new visa as a parent is less of a certainty and will be very expensive and drawn out. For the sake of your child, sign it.

You've signed the declaration before when he first obtained his visa. So why did you tell him it would be fine this time around? That's where the rub is. He expressed concern when you split and you reassured him you would continue to support his visa and now you've changed your mind in a major way. I think you have to explain what changed for you exactly. The risk to you is tiny. The risk to him and your son is huge. I'm married to a Brit and we had my spousal visa rejected 2x even with an immigration lawyer because the home office are utter pigs. Anyone who hasn't been through simply won't understand. They are a law unto themselves. I was the parent of 2 British children and had been here 8 years and they rejected my last visa and I had to leave with a 3 month old and go back to my country of origin while the whole disaster was sorted out. It took 6 months and 10k. It was entirely the fault of the home office. My application was correct. My story is not uncommon!

That's a massive drip feed!
If he's toxic and controlling and signing it could cost you your job then no I wouldn't sign it.
If this is for FLR then will you also be expected to lie in 2.5years when it comes to ILR?

I see his side of things but you need to protect yourself. Annoying as it is, his Masters can wait.

OP - most of the people commenting he should go for the new visa - have never dealt with the immigration system in the U.K. They (and you) - are judging the situation on the way things ‘should’ work. And reality is - the Home office is a huge and badly functioning bureaucracy.

Parents of British children get refused visas - happens more often than you would think. And it’s a huge pain, and humiliating, to say the least to be going through that process.

I understand you seem to have a moral dilemma. But there is really no risk.
If you were still under the same roof and ‘trying to work on a relationship’ - the statement of ‘I intent to go on living with Spouse’ would still not be 100% correct, as your relationship is on the rocks and has unsure future.
What constitutes a relationship, a marriage at this point is really debatable. There are marriages where people don’t live together, etc.
So - for the legalistic argument sake - you are married - you share expenses, childcare, you have holidays together.

Just sign the paper and let life go on. Don’t declare official separation until after he gets is ILR application. There was a reason you didn’t file for divorce before - and you promised him. He is the father to your child. And you have brought him to this country. The sooner he gets his own documents - the sooner you will he more free of him.

I will just add that I have been though the ILR process and there is nothing that gets checked at the stage you are in. It’s an automatic process.

There is nothing that will be found out.

Christ, OP, please don’t even consider lying on an official document!

Wife of immigration lawyer!

Don't sign anything that isn't true.

He can absolutely get a visa as the parent of a British child as long as he has a genuine relationship with the child. It may take him longer to get ILR but the solution to this isn't to pressure you to lie.

A lot of immigration lawyers will give brief advice without charging for an appointment - might be worth phoning a couple and reaching out?

My DH just got his ILR, and we used an immigration lawyer because it is 100% true that people get rejected by the Home Office all the time despite their applications being perfectly fine. They then are removed to their home country and have to appeal from abroad which is expensive and time consuming.

Parent visas are even more likely to be disapproved than partner visas.

Our lawyer even said our chances were only good because my DH qualified as both a partner and a parent. He said if we weren’t partners or if there were no British DC, they’d have sent him back to his home country as the Home Office seems to have a “quota” of applicants they reject out of hand knowing that many will give up being unable to afford the legal costs of an appeal.

I get your DH “threatened to leave” but it may be out of fear of the real possibility that he will be forced to leave as that is a common outcome when applying for a parent visa. He may have meant to word it “if you don’t sign, you realise I will have to leave the country” and didn’t mean to word it as a threat. I don’t know, wasn’t there, but you seem to have too much faith in the Home Office from your posts.

You cannot lie on the form though, but neither should you deny the possibility that the end of your relationship with your DH could also end your DH’s right to remain in the U.K., forcing him to leave. It’s not a small chance this will happen. And it’s an even greater chance with no immigration lawyer to ensure the application is as strong as it can be and to handle any appeals.

Sounds tough but I would say that the people encouraging OP to commit fraud on an official government document because it’s “highly unlikely” she will be caught aren’t gambling with their own lives are they?
I think that even if the risk is small it’s not worth it, plus he is effectively blackmailing you OP

People need to read the updates

You would be insane to lie given your security clearance

This is just more toxic and controlling behavior from him. And he's probably bluffing.

And yes I agree the home Office are the fucking worst, I was nearly deported once myself! But switching visas is not the end of the world. And if the split was because of his emotionally abusive behavior (no shocker there) he has only himself to blame.

You can do an online consultation with an immigration lawyer for £100-150, I strongly recommend it for a parent visa

I think you are being a bit mean tbh. It's in the interests of your child to maintain a good relationship and you have been together for so long.

It would hinder his application. And this government are not keen on granting visas ... Many many obstacles.
I would sign it

You'd lie and sign a form that specifically states it's a criminal offence to lie on it?

Because your emotionally abusive ex is threatening to cause problems if you don't?

Terrible advice.

He can get a visa as the child of a British parent- he won't have to leave the country to do it. It's just not exactly the way that he wants.

Never advice anyone to commit a criminal offence.