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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Would you date a man who ..

166 replies

queeeniescloset · 08/01/2023 23:21

Is on long term sick leave and who probably won't work again by choice.

Does not have a home of his own. Lives with his folks.

Has an ok relationship with his kids .

Has minimal savings but enough to get by, even if he is mostly a decent man?

He is 48.

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 09/01/2023 11:10

MumE78 · 09/01/2023 10:38

I'm on long term sick suffering with PTSD after an abusive relationship.

Gosh I hope I don't written off so quickly if I meet someone 😞

It's right there in the very first sentence -
Is on long term sick leave and who probably won't work again by choice

I very much doubt you are actively planning to never return to work, & sponge off your parents/a partner instead, are you?

And when you are ready to meet someone, it will be because you have your PTSD symptoms under control & have managed yourself back into the workplace, so you will be feeling much better & ready to date again. I hope you are getting some therapeutic support to help you do just that - PTSD is a bitch. Flowers

5moments · 09/01/2023 11:16

Jesus just pay for a cleaner!

PinotPony · 09/01/2023 11:36

Not in a million years!

Support and company? Yeah, like you'll get any of that from him..!

Bananalanacake · 09/01/2023 12:22

Why can't he work in a bar or supermarket to earn some money until he wants to try his previous job again, or is that beneath him.

Oysterbabe · 09/01/2023 12:37

The hardest of nos.

queeeniescloset · 09/01/2023 12:59

He was a high earner in management and I know he wouldn't accept less than his present salary.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 09/01/2023 13:06

Well he's an absolute loser then, isn't he?

Suzi888 · 09/01/2023 13:11

No- it would drive me insane.

Unless you are both close to retirement in any case, then maybe yes if it suits you….

The fact he goes to bed for a few weeks would be a no for me personally.

ShakespearesBlister · 09/01/2023 14:56

I wouldn't be so shallow as to say no just because of the long term sick because anyone could find themselves there, but it's all the other things you added afterwards that are a turn off.

AlwaysGinPlease · 09/01/2023 14:58

queeeniescloset · 08/01/2023 23:27

He is handsome and charming.

Well that's subjective. It doesn't lay the bills either.

Run run run!

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/01/2023 16:05

queeeniescloset · 09/01/2023 07:46

I'm going to outsource cleaning, lunches and after school care, fully.
You are right. Outsourcing as much as I can will be cheaper in the long term .
He can be quite determined at times when it comes to trying to overstay his welcome but I have always been firm on that.

Sounds to me is that the only reason you were "pondering" the idea of him being your "house husband" is because Mr. Handsome&Charming-But-With-Neither-Integrity-Nor-Shame has been pressing the point somewhat. So keep these two things you've said at the front of your mind whenever he's with you -
. "He has tried to trample on my boundaries before a few times."

. "He can be quite determined at times when it comes to trying to overstay his welcome"

Basically, he wants a better gaff than his long-suffering parents provide (I wonder if they've been hinting it's time for him to leave). He's targeting you to provide said better gaff. He plants the notion of 'househusband' as a possible solution to you being "run ragged" and hopes that you are both enamoured with his penis AND are run ragged enough to overlook his propensity to take to his bed with "putting on a stupid voice and limping around in his robe for no good reason" whenever he is "exhausted".

Dear God, he's a wearer of The Dressing Gown of Doom! (you'll find many threads on Mumsnet about the DGofD.)

Also, you've said:
"He doesn't have a very stressful job, he just doesn't seem to be able to handle ANY stress at all. Things need to run smoothly for him at all times."

Because there's no stress in running a household that involves children, none at all, no sirr-ee! Such a household runs smoothly at all times. No lost PE kit, no sudden and inexplicable food dislikes, no squabbles over the TV remote, nothing. Smooth, smooth stress-free household. Which will run itself, smoothly and stress-freely, whilst he takes to his bed for a couple of weeks. Uh-huh.

I'd actually use that against him, personally. - 'No Derek, you'd be useless as a househusband, you'd be taking to your bed with the stress of organising and decluttering the house and looking for little Jonnie's PE kit and frankly I cannot be arsed. Your whole life revolves around 'stress' and avoiding it, which just exports the stress to those around you and I am not willing to deal with that, your cock isn't THAT good, you know! I'll let you know if I'm ever in the market for an exotic pet, but know now that's very unlikely to ever happen.'

One thing that occurred to me, about him currently being on "long term sick leave and who probably won't work again by choice". You said it's "Stress leave. Unable to cope with workplace stress after a reshuffle."

'After a reshuffle'. So, he didn't like his new job in the company. Was it a step up, or sideways, or downwards? I ask because although my first assumption was that the reshuffle was to a higher-stress job, all the things you've posted have made me wonder - really, really, wonder - is his long-term sick leave actually just a massive sulk? He didn't get to be where he felt entitled to be so her flounced off with 'stress' (notoriously hard to disprove since everybody's different) and being a "lazy git" lacking in integrity found that his flounce suited him just fine.

SweetSenorita · 09/01/2023 16:28

No, I wouldn't 😊

emptythelitterbox · 09/01/2023 16:49

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/01/2023 16:05

Sounds to me is that the only reason you were "pondering" the idea of him being your "house husband" is because Mr. Handsome&Charming-But-With-Neither-Integrity-Nor-Shame has been pressing the point somewhat. So keep these two things you've said at the front of your mind whenever he's with you -
. "He has tried to trample on my boundaries before a few times."

. "He can be quite determined at times when it comes to trying to overstay his welcome"

Basically, he wants a better gaff than his long-suffering parents provide (I wonder if they've been hinting it's time for him to leave). He's targeting you to provide said better gaff. He plants the notion of 'househusband' as a possible solution to you being "run ragged" and hopes that you are both enamoured with his penis AND are run ragged enough to overlook his propensity to take to his bed with "putting on a stupid voice and limping around in his robe for no good reason" whenever he is "exhausted".

Dear God, he's a wearer of The Dressing Gown of Doom! (you'll find many threads on Mumsnet about the DGofD.)

Also, you've said:
"He doesn't have a very stressful job, he just doesn't seem to be able to handle ANY stress at all. Things need to run smoothly for him at all times."

Because there's no stress in running a household that involves children, none at all, no sirr-ee! Such a household runs smoothly at all times. No lost PE kit, no sudden and inexplicable food dislikes, no squabbles over the TV remote, nothing. Smooth, smooth stress-free household. Which will run itself, smoothly and stress-freely, whilst he takes to his bed for a couple of weeks. Uh-huh.

I'd actually use that against him, personally. - 'No Derek, you'd be useless as a househusband, you'd be taking to your bed with the stress of organising and decluttering the house and looking for little Jonnie's PE kit and frankly I cannot be arsed. Your whole life revolves around 'stress' and avoiding it, which just exports the stress to those around you and I am not willing to deal with that, your cock isn't THAT good, you know! I'll let you know if I'm ever in the market for an exotic pet, but know now that's very unlikely to ever happen.'

One thing that occurred to me, about him currently being on "long term sick leave and who probably won't work again by choice". You said it's "Stress leave. Unable to cope with workplace stress after a reshuffle."

'After a reshuffle'. So, he didn't like his new job in the company. Was it a step up, or sideways, or downwards? I ask because although my first assumption was that the reshuffle was to a higher-stress job, all the things you've posted have made me wonder - really, really, wonder - is his long-term sick leave actually just a massive sulk? He didn't get to be where he felt entitled to be so her flounced off with 'stress' (notoriously hard to disprove since everybody's different) and being a "lazy git" lacking in integrity found that his flounce suited him just fine.

OP read this about 1000 times while picturing this nearly 50 year old man limping around unwashed in his ratty DGoD sulking and whinging like a toddler until you've firmly knocked him off the pedestal of perfect mate into the bin of reality.

totallyoutnumbered · 09/01/2023 16:54

Nope. I couldn't respect and desire a man like that in a million years

playingtwister · 09/01/2023 17:01

Would you expect a woman to find a man if...

Is on long term sick leave and who probably won't work again by choice.

Does not have a home of her own. Lives with her folks.

Has an ok relationship with her kids .

Has minimal savings but enough to get by, even if she is mostly a decent woman?

She is 48.

Bepis · 09/01/2023 17:03

Non of that would bother me if I'm honest. I have never judged people on their job status or where they live. If he is a nice man; that's all that matters.

Millionaireshortbread0 · 09/01/2023 17:07

No and I say this as someone that can't work (as decided by several medical practitioners and trying and failing to work for several years making my situation worse). Someone who chooses not to work has no work ethic, low morals and expects others to provide for him because he cannot be bothered.
Is he actively seeking support to improve his situation? Does he want to improve his situation? What happens when he can no longer live with his parents would you be expected to support him (I can support myself by way of an ill health pension so would never expect someone to financially support me).
If he's unable to work due to poor mental health does he manage to live a fulfilled life/able to to fulfill activities of daily living? Can he look for alternative work eg if its being around people thats an issue a wfh job or minimal contact job. Would you be expected to heavily support this? I can't fulfil activities of daily living independently so choose not to be in a romantic relationship because I feel it wouldn't be appropriate for an individuals life to be curbed by what I'm unable to do. I'd think seriously about a relationship where your effectively going to be financial provider /probably a carer and what happens if you needed support could he give you that?

playingtwister · 09/01/2023 17:08

if you are well enough to date you are well enough to work in some capacity.

That's rubbish, I've met autistic people who aren't well enough to work or function in a neurotypical society but should they not be aloud to date?

BackAgainstWall · 09/01/2023 17:10

No, I couldn't respect him.
I wouldn't even go there.

donthavekids · 09/01/2023 18:05

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ as we don't believe it was started by a genuine poster.

Stickyoffee · 09/01/2023 18:18

Yes, I don't see why not

BeachBlondey · 09/01/2023 18:33

queeeniescloset · 08/01/2023 23:27

He is handsome and charming.

He's most likely trying to get you to be his cash pony and let him move in with you.

It's a no from me. Don't you want holidays etc in retirement? He won't have any money to do anything!

Tuilpmouse · 09/01/2023 18:37

playingtwister · 09/01/2023 17:08

if you are well enough to date you are well enough to work in some capacity.

That's rubbish, I've met autistic people who aren't well enough to work or function in a neurotypical society but should they not be aloud to date?

Sad as it is, if someone's autism is so disabling they are incapable of work, I can't realistically see how they could form a sustainable relationship with someone.

In general, if you're well enough to date, you're well enough to work.

Tuilpmouse · 09/01/2023 18:38

Stickyoffee · 09/01/2023 18:18

Yes, I don't see why not

Out of interest, how low is your bar?

tappinginto2023 · 09/01/2023 18:54

playingtwister · 09/01/2023 17:08

if you are well enough to date you are well enough to work in some capacity.

That's rubbish, I've met autistic people who aren't well enough to work or function in a neurotypical society but should they not be aloud to date?

Well of course they can date.

But would you expect a NT full time working, financially independent women with children to ask them to move with her and her family and resume house-husband duties?

And it not to be a massive disaster?