Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you date a man who ..

166 replies

queeeniescloset · 08/01/2023 23:21

Is on long term sick leave and who probably won't work again by choice.

Does not have a home of his own. Lives with his folks.

Has an ok relationship with his kids .

Has minimal savings but enough to get by, even if he is mostly a decent man?

He is 48.

OP posts:
catandcoffee · 09/01/2023 01:21

Absolutely not.

emptythelitterbox · 09/01/2023 01:22

There's a term called, nurse with a purse for what these older cocklodgers want.

I hope you're not already dating and sleeping with this waste of space.

kirwanco · 09/01/2023 01:26

Oh, a stunning prospect! A lazy POS who leeches off his parents and runs down his savings having nothing left for old age.

Cleaners are about £12 per hour - a lot cheaper than this fcuker! I suspect he isn’t that great a shag either and sure there’s Tinder and the like to fulfil that need for free.

Jadviga · 09/01/2023 01:43

I would :

  • Hire a cleaner
  • Keep dating the dude casually if you enjoy it and the sex is good
  • NEVER allow him to move into my house
  • NEVER marry him
DivorcedAndDelighted · 09/01/2023 01:43

queeeniescloset · 08/01/2023 23:26

Stress leave. Unable to cope with workplace stress after a reshuffle.

No, not a chance. If he's "unable to cope" with work then I'd expect he'd be "unable to cope" with living a full life with me.

MissTrip82 · 09/01/2023 02:03

No. It’s important to support oneself and one’s children.

I can admit I also would not seek out someone so severely ill as he must be. I’ve been working in an ICU throughout a pandemic and nobody, not one staff member, has taken stress leave. He must have had extreme experiences and be very unwell. I would not set out to be a carer (very different to becoming one in an existing relationship, which I have done and would do again).

caringcarer · 09/01/2023 02:25

No, 48 and run home to Mummy and Daddy. In West Midlands you can get a room in house share for £450-500 pcm inclusive of council tax, gas, electric and water. All you have to pay for is food and do your own cooking and laundry. He would still be able to pay CM for his kids. He chooses easy way out with Mummy and Daddy. I would not date this big man baby.

Andypandy799 · 09/01/2023 02:44

Hell no why would you even ask? Do you have low self esteem @queeeniescloset

Teaandtoast3 · 09/01/2023 03:06

No OP. He would be a terrible house husband. He will let you think he would be amazing but my guess is he will be very crap.

ShandaLear · 09/01/2023 04:16

No. You’ll never get rid of him when it inevitably goes tits up. You don’t respect him now. How will you respect him when he’s taking advantage of your kindness and generosity? Work on your self esteem and finding someone worthy of you.

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 09/01/2023 04:42

Hand

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 09/01/2023 04:43

Handsome and charming are very superficial. Work shyness, freeloading, cocklodger r

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 09/01/2023 04:44

.... posted too soon

..., cocklodger runs much deeper

AnyMucca · 09/01/2023 05:01

If he's handsome charmer with dinner in one hand, rocking a baby in the other with a duster up his arse go for it.

Whotsit · 09/01/2023 05:12

I would probably date him for sex and laughs but nothing serious. Would not let him move in or introduce him to kids.

RenovationsUnderway · 09/01/2023 05:33

Even if the sex is good now, with those 'attributes' the ick will expand and the sex will stop.

SunshineAndFizz · 09/01/2023 05:41

Why do you think he'd even be helpful with the cleaning?!!

He's lazy and has no drive. This will be reflected in all aspects of his life.

StalkedByASpider · 09/01/2023 05:42

I initially would have said maybe, given the details in your OP. But later posts from you and I've changed my mind, absolutely no way.

He's "selfish", DC don't want to see him much for some reason, he's happy freeloading off people and you think he'd be very comfortable being a cocklodger. Nope, nope, nope.

For context, my DP has always worked but never found his niche. He is a lazy arse intrinsically - he doesn't like working, but I suspect that's partly because he's never found a job that he really enjoys. It's always been a slog and he's been unlucky with redundancies (always got brill reviews/pay rises but companies got bought out and the whole office made redundant. Three times).

My DP has always worked. Paid his way. But now he's off sick - a condition which has been rumbling away in the background but never diagnosed has flared up with a vengeance and it's now looking as if he can't go back to his old job. But we don't know what else he could do.

Thing is, we have two disabled DC, one with particularly high needs. I enjoy working and I'm self-employed. When he doesn't work, he's so much more supportive and engaged and he is great with the DC. When he's working F/T, he's tired, grumpy and reluctant to pull his weight.

This life is too short to be miserable. Me and DP are having serious conversations about whether he can go back to work, and if not, what life would look like. Due to DC we don't have holidays or trips, and lead a pretty quiet life. We're just moving and having a big life change which will slash our outgoings. So maybe he won't return to work. I don't know. But I don't judge DP for it, and selfishly, I quite like the idea as he's lovely to be around when he's not working.

Your situation sounds very different. My DP is very grateful that I'm even willing to consider it as an option and is worried about putting pressure on me to earn. It's a joint decision that we'll take and if we go ahead, he will be responsible for taking on lots of the stuff I normally do. Because we are a team. That doesn't sound like the kind of situation you'd be getting into and if you've got the ick already, I think I'd be setting this one free - no matter how charming and gorgeous he is.

Bananalanacake · 09/01/2023 05:44

Your DC won't want a lazy man living with them. How long have you been together, tell him he's only moving in when he's had a ft job for a year, see how he reacts.

SnoozyLucy7 · 09/01/2023 05:50

queeeniescloset · 08/01/2023 23:37

There is no reason he can't work but understand why he is on stress leave at his current job.
I think he'd rather like to be a cocklodger.
Integrity is not his strong point .
He lost his home to divorce and can't afford rent and cm.

But here you have answered your own question. Why would you want to go out with a cocklodger with no integrity?

pinkfondu · 09/01/2023 05:59

queeeniescloset · 08/01/2023 23:40

I think he would allow a woman pay for his keep actually. He has little shame in that way.
His teen kids don't seem to want to spend much time with him for some reason.

Date no

Dontjudgeme101 · 09/01/2023 06:00

This is totally ridiculous and a stupid idea op! You can do better than him. 💐💐

Zanatdy · 09/01/2023 06:05

Probably not

Coffeeandanap · 09/01/2023 06:11

Summerfun54321 · 09/01/2023 00:31

You have kids. Don't ruin their lives because you want a cleaner you can also shag. Find someone with prospects, someone who will be a role model to your kids, someone you are proud to be out with in public.

This!!! He sounds like an awful partner but I can’t believe you’re also contemplating bringing someone like this into your children’s lives. He has a crap relationship with his own, how do you think he’ll treat yours?

WestBridgewater · 09/01/2023 06:13

Some people settle for anyone rather than being alone, from reading your comments this sounds like the case here. Reread everything you have put on this thread and ask yourself whether you really want to be with this person.