Have a third child or I leave

[Hettywins]

What my husband has told me.

We have two, a 7 year old DS who is severely disabled and a 2 year old DS who is (we believe at this point) neurotypical.

I am primary carer for both and I work part time around my eldests needs. His needs are significant and involve a lot of hospital appointments.

My DH is a good Dad, a good provider, works hard, pulls his weight around the house, we have the usual squabbles and parenting life is very transactional right now - e.g you take the kids and I'll do XYZ and next day vice Versa. We don't prioritise family time.

DH did not handle our eldest's diagnosis very well, he loves him and is a good Dad but is deeply sad about his disabilities. I handle all medical appointments on my own and deal with all of the huge amounts of admin which comes with having a disabled child on my own. His mental health has plummeted and he is now a very angry bitter person, with an eternally pessimistic outlook, it is very, very draining but he is unwell.

He is very angry that I have said no to a third child, he thinks it is unfair on our youngest that they won't have a typical sibling to play with and grow up with and to be a friend/support when they are older, this anger is entirely directed at me and he says although he loves me deeply sometimes he has waves of hate towards me for not having a third child - actual hate. He knows I am a good mum and he recognises how I have been let down at times (e.g when I birthed our second he could barely acknowledge it was happening he just checked out because it brought up too much trauma for him from the birth of our first).

I could say I will have a third and he will stay. But I feel so hurt that he doesn't love me enough to understand that is asking too much of me (he says it's not about me it's about DS2) and I feel like whilst he is not well bringing a third child into the world is not the way to fix things - rarely does that work right? He says it will fix everything.

If he leaves I'm financially screwed and I'd loose my DH who I have loved for 20 years.

Any advice? Opinions? Is he right?

No, I don't think he is right.
He's asking you to have a third child for the sake of your youngest. If you don't, he'll leave you. How is that going to benefit the youngest he is so concerned about? Neither will it benefit the eldest, you or DH.

Will he go to relationship counselling (although I imagine finding the time for that would be nigh on impossible). Has he sought help for his depression? Does he acknowledge how much of the emotional load you are bearing and which he is adding to?

I'm so sorry this is so difficult for you. It's completely unfair. But if he can't reconcile himself to your family setup with 2 DC, then maybe leaving will be for the best in the long run.

What does he think will happen if your 3rd child isn't neurotypical?

How will that affect your second child?

Not sure I have any useful advice, but I didn't want to read and run. That sounds like intolerable pressure for him. Having a child to keep an existing child happy sounds like an awful idea to me. What if they don't get on? What if you have terrible post-natal depression and can't cope with your existing children? Do you have the capacity to cope if a third child has complex needs? It sounds like your DH needs therapy to cope with your current situation, not a third child to act as a sticking plaster.

No he is not right.
You have a lot on your plate as it is. What if your 3rd child has SN of some kind, how will he punish you then for not having a perfect child for DS2 to play with? Ridiculous way of thinking.
What’s to say several years down the line he won’t leave anyway? If he’s already thinking it’s an option then that may be a possibility.
Maybe he would benefit from some counselling to help him deal with everything.
sorry op, he’s being very unfair

*from him not for him

No he's not right. He can't place such expectations on you to go through a pregnancy and have a child that you don't want just for his sake. He doesn't get to coerce your consent on that.

He's also making some large and wrong assumptions about what any possible sibling relationship might be like, and that any possible child will not have any challenges of their own.

It sounds like he needs some counselling/therapy in relation to his feelings about your eldest's disabilities. And then maybe some joint counselling about your relationship. But would he be up for that?

Wrong of him to say this but then its not that uncommon for women to come on and ssy they want another and husband says no, 'just leave and have another' is the cry.
It needs both of you to want this new child especially as you'll be the main carer. Lots more work for you.

Why would you have a third child with someone who is not able to be a good dad or husband with two? It makes no sense.

What would happen, especially, if your third child had a disability or special needs? If you're around the age of 40 then the chances of that are higher. It's a massive gamble considering that you have two young children with special needs already.

And if the third child is able to support his or her siblings, what if he or she doesn't want to?

Your husband isn't thinking very straight. Do you think it might be poor mental health?

Absolutely stand your ground on this one.

And please point out to him that if he is willing to break up the family over a hypothetical third baby, he must not love his existing children very much.

Also point out that a 3rd baby might also be disabled which might have the opposite effect to what he is aiming for in regards to your youngest. And regardless, any additional kid will only stretch the resources your two have eveh further. Less time, less energy, less money. Is that really beneficial to them?

He's practically blackmailing you if he threatens separation and that is just not alright.

sounds like this is all about his unprocessed grief around your first child and he thinks having another child will someone fix it or something along those lines

i imagine he would benefit from some intensive counseling and once that has had an impact I would imagine him to take a different approach. He may still want a third child - but the conversation and handling of that would be very different

having a third child in these circumstances would most likely be a disaster

best of luck

He's being a total prick.

Looking at you with hatred because of the children? Threatening to leave if you don't have another child when he helps so little with the ones you have?

Supposing you did give in and have another. He couldn't make it to your 2nd child's birth - he might carry out his threat and leave anyway... where would you be then?

As much as you love your DH of 20 years, I think you have to make yourself and your existing DC the priority and plan the best future you can on that basis and not cater to someone else's demands if they conflict with that priority and if they are coming from a place of instability.

I think if you reach the point of him saying that to you the relationship is as good as over if he doesn’t change dramatically.
Bringing another child into it will just make it more complicated down the line.

It’s tricky, ultimately you get the final say but he’s also entitled to leave for any reason… is it autism your DC1 has? If so that’s quite hereditary and there’s a possibility another baby would have it, although the likelihood of that I don’t know, might be worth doing some research. Do you want another baby? I do understand why he wants an NT sibling for your DC2 but equally what if they weren’t? It would be different if he wanted another because he loves having kids and took DC1 disabilities in his stride but it sounds like a second disabled child would finish him off entirely.

I really think your DH needs to explore his feelings with a specialist therapist / counsellor to unravel his anger towards you, and how he feels about your elder child. Does he blame you in some way? Does he think a 3rd child will be a magic bullet to stop him feeling the way he does?

Having a 3rd child is not the answer to his anguish.

As we all know, you never know who your child is going to be. They're all different. Family dynamics are complicated, and introducing another child (who will of course become a grown person) might just be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

Wow your husband is a total arsehole. Can't parent his existing children but he hates you for not having another? I'd be divorcing him.

However much you love your husband i think that you need to keep the focus on yourself in this scenario.

If he is talking about separation now there is a chance that it might happen anyway at some point so definitely don’t have a third child. It would be very difficult if he left now - it would be impossible if you had a third child.

On a practical basis:

Is your eldest in school ? If so I would try and find some work that fits round hours even if it’s just a few hours a week.

I would also look at the family budget and make sure that some money is going into savings each month, in an account which you have access to.

Make sure that you know all financial info, that your name is on everything, and that you have passwords and access to everything.

Make sure that all child benefits, carers benefits, pip etc are going into your account and have your name on them.

Hopefully you won’t need to have done any of that, but it will make a huge difference to your life in the event of a split if you have.

What happens if your 3rd child is disabled?

Same issue here op.

Eldest has moderate learning disabilities, autism, adhd, sleep disorder etc

Youngest is NT.

We decided against having more as the likely hood of us having another disabled child was to much and would take our attention way from the two we already have.

That's what I'd put across to him, he's being selfish.

His logic is flawed.
Sounds like it comes from a lot of upset, so in a sense that is understandable, but as something to base a life changing decision on that's not great. It could go so wrong. What if dc2 doesn't get on with new sibling and the reduction in your available time and attention is a net disadvantage for them!? Maybe dc2 lives their older sibling and isn't feeling the need for a typical one.
I would ask that he has counselling to examine his feelings and heal his trauma before he acts on his gut this way.
I couldn't do 3 kids and mine are not as demanding as one with high needs, I know my limits and ultimately all the ok in the family as far as your kids are concerned rests on you. Break you and nothing will fix it. You knowing your limits is protective of making a huge mistake.
A child should be brought into the world for it's own sake not to fulfill a function in someone else's life, the expectations on that are just inviting trouble.

He’s an absolute fucking arsehole.

I have 3 children including a severely disabled eldest son. Your husband is being grossly unfair to you in both expectations and comments. I would find it very hard to forgive and forget such unjustified anger directed towards me.

No advice on your relationship but you can’t have a third to try and make him happy. As you said it won’t solve anything (& in fact 3 was much more stressful than 2 ime - my younger boys do have a lovely relationship but that wasn’t guaranteed!)

This with knobs on

What a twat

On a much lesser scale....... my Mum said I should have a second child so that my first child had someone to play with on our yearly, 2 week holiday

Sorry but it doesn't sound like your relationship is in any way solid enough to bring another child into the world

You should NEVER have another child with someone who threatens to leave you if you don't meet their demands.

If you have a third child with him now to get him to stay, he will only threaten to leave again over something else in the future, and the more children you have with him, the more you will feel you need his support (so the more he will be able to control you by threatening to leave).

Tbh, anyone who's already threatening to leave and is being this manipulative clearly has one foot out of the door already, so it's inevitable that he will leave in the end anyway - the question is whether you'd cope better being a single parent of two or a single parent of three children (potentially two with high needs).

He is very very damaged by this situation - but he needs to sort himself out, not demand another child.
He clearly couldn’t cope with another disabled child so if anything went wrong he would probably leave anyway.
He has to get his act together or go. I actually couldn’t stand being in the same room with my DH if he was like this.