Have a third child or I leave

[Hettywins]

What my husband has told me.

We have two, a 7 year old DS who is severely disabled and a 2 year old DS who is (we believe at this point) neurotypical.

I am primary carer for both and I work part time around my eldests needs. His needs are significant and involve a lot of hospital appointments.

My DH is a good Dad, a good provider, works hard, pulls his weight around the house, we have the usual squabbles and parenting life is very transactional right now - e.g you take the kids and I'll do XYZ and next day vice Versa. We don't prioritise family time.

DH did not handle our eldest's diagnosis very well, he loves him and is a good Dad but is deeply sad about his disabilities. I handle all medical appointments on my own and deal with all of the huge amounts of admin which comes with having a disabled child on my own. His mental health has plummeted and he is now a very angry bitter person, with an eternally pessimistic outlook, it is very, very draining but he is unwell.

He is very angry that I have said no to a third child, he thinks it is unfair on our youngest that they won't have a typical sibling to play with and grow up with and to be a friend/support when they are older, this anger is entirely directed at me and he says although he loves me deeply sometimes he has waves of hate towards me for not having a third child - actual hate. He knows I am a good mum and he recognises how I have been let down at times (e.g when I birthed our second he could barely acknowledge it was happening he just checked out because it brought up too much trauma for him from the birth of our first).

I could say I will have a third and he will stay. But I feel so hurt that he doesn't love me enough to understand that is asking too much of me (he says it's not about me it's about DS2) and I feel like whilst he is not well bringing a third child into the world is not the way to fix things - rarely does that work right? He says it will fix everything.

If he leaves I'm financially screwed and I'd loose my DH who I have loved for 20 years.

Any advice? Opinions? Is he right?

Is he trying to force you into leaving? Then he can wash his hands of the older child?

Just awful, I so feel for you all. Definitely should be offered contacts for support networks, and frankly I think you should get offered therapy as well as regular appointments with some sort of specialist agency for parents with circumstances like yours. Of course there is a cost attached to services but it is a fraction of the cost attached to family breakdown, mental illness etc that befalls the family without support. It is in everyone's interests for babies, new parents and all young families to be supported but for some bizarre reason we as a society place next to no value on women and children.

I’m just wondering how you’ll be financially screwed? Are you currently claiming DLA? He’s have to pay CM and perhaps spousal support. There’s a lot of help out there for you.

Other then money, so what is he leaves? You’re doing it on your own any way and DH clearly resents your eldest DC - why would you want that around them?

Let him go. You’ll be fine.

If he has anything about him he will move heaven and earth to make sure you stay in that house with your children. He is acting like an absolute cunt though. I knew he would be one of those men who doesn't take on any of the mental load with the kids. Do not have a third. It won't change anything and he will just let you down again and move the goalposts. Hold firm and get on with it and hope that he is accessing help. Any for UC if he has moved out.

Apply sorry