Have a third child or I leave

[Hettywins]

What my husband has told me.

We have two, a 7 year old DS who is severely disabled and a 2 year old DS who is (we believe at this point) neurotypical.

I am primary carer for both and I work part time around my eldests needs. His needs are significant and involve a lot of hospital appointments.

My DH is a good Dad, a good provider, works hard, pulls his weight around the house, we have the usual squabbles and parenting life is very transactional right now - e.g you take the kids and I'll do XYZ and next day vice Versa. We don't prioritise family time.

DH did not handle our eldest's diagnosis very well, he loves him and is a good Dad but is deeply sad about his disabilities. I handle all medical appointments on my own and deal with all of the huge amounts of admin which comes with having a disabled child on my own. His mental health has plummeted and he is now a very angry bitter person, with an eternally pessimistic outlook, it is very, very draining but he is unwell.

He is very angry that I have said no to a third child, he thinks it is unfair on our youngest that they won't have a typical sibling to play with and grow up with and to be a friend/support when they are older, this anger is entirely directed at me and he says although he loves me deeply sometimes he has waves of hate towards me for not having a third child - actual hate. He knows I am a good mum and he recognises how I have been let down at times (e.g when I birthed our second he could barely acknowledge it was happening he just checked out because it brought up too much trauma for him from the birth of our first).

I could say I will have a third and he will stay. But I feel so hurt that he doesn't love me enough to understand that is asking too much of me (he says it's not about me it's about DS2) and I feel like whilst he is not well bringing a third child into the world is not the way to fix things - rarely does that work right? He says it will fix everything.

If he leaves I'm financially screwed and I'd loose my DH who I have loved for 20 years.

Any advice? Opinions? Is he right?

It would be a hard pass from my side. Until his mental health improves he is clearly not in a place to even think straight about such big decisions. It seems he may not have dealt with issues around your first, having another is going to do nothing for that.

Does he understand how much he is going to have to take on if you go through pregnancy, childbirth and the newborn stage again? Is he in any position to pick up the slack? Or is he just expecting you to bring another baby into the world by yourself and raise it? Not to mention if there are issues during the pregnancy, or heaven forbid the baby is unwell in any way.

He is not being fair. He has been damaged by what happened with your first, but having another is defo not the answer. Please don’t have another child with this man.

Yes very good point

Your husband sounds like a feat I'd be leaving him - sounds like you practically single parent anyway!!

Like a feat??
I mean "twat"
Predictive text 🤦🏻‍♀️

I couldn't stay with someone like that - have some self respect and leave this awful man for yours and your kids sakes

Get the implant then you won't get pregnant.

😮 and what if this child needs additional support will you then have to have another to keep him and have four kids to care for while he's at work.

If he said that to me I'd have showed him the door. Unbelievable

Tell him you are very sad but he has to make his choices. He is not going anywhere, this is total crap. He thinks a third child will make him feel complete, rather than thinking of you struggling with three children and breaking down.

I’d say no, because you are my third child and I won’t have time for number 4 you whiney draining man.

your DH sounds like he’s being delusional/irrational.

Another baby means more stress, less time for existing children, more household/child cares tasks etx. It’s way too much for him to ask you to do.

To be honest if I were you I would be very angry with him trying manipulate me with threats of ending the relationship.

Would you be better off without him? Obviously it would be an issue to sort finances but it sounds like he does very little.

Have you asked him what happens if the third child also had disabilities?
Hwd he had any help for his trauma and mood??
He may be struggling but he is not coming across well in this scenario. Any one who threatens the person they’re supposed to love if they don’t get their own way is NOT a good partner.
What about your trauma and disappointment? I’m sure it’s not turned out the way you envisioned either.

I'm sorry, but to me it sounds like he is going to leave you anyway. It may not be tomorrow, but he has checked out.

I would be taking steps to do the MN cliché of "getting my ducks in a row"

His mental health has plummeted and he is now a very angry bitter person, with an eternally pessimistic outlook, it is very, very draining but he is unwell.

Is he doing anything about his MH or expecting your his precious dc2 to cope with his anger and hate?

I mean fair enough to be sad and grieving. Fair enough that it translates into anger. What is not ok is to do nothing about it. He needs counselling first, fir himself to come terms with his dc1 disabilities. Then he needs to start being a father to his first child and deal with said disabilities and all it involves.

Then and only then can he come back and start a discussion about a 3rd child. I doubt he would btw. I suspect that once he realises all the stuff he has left you to deal with, he won’t see that as a possibility.

Everything here agreed.
7 years is a long time. He needs counseling. Benefit of the doubt that he’s not thinking straight (which he probably isn’t at all if he’s been devastated all these years).
Having a 3rd child will only take time away from DS2, could that help frame it ? Is he worried somehow DS2 will catch the illness or something, he’s being a bit ridiculous. More playdates with other kids at their houses for DS2. Finances for 3 kids, including one with medical needs ? Emotional support for each : you’re not freaking superhuman. I admit I’m a bit thinking about anything that comes to mind here, I’m in a different time zone and it’s bedtime, I just wanted to not leave you with no reply, I’ll try to respond better tomorrow.
Could a support group for parents with children with the same disability (even if rare, you can find them online, actually he might be more comfortable anonymous)
Sorry I know this probably wasn’t much help, but you’re absolutely right, it would be too much for anyone.

This. I can’t believe he is willing to take the risk.

He needs to do and discuss this with a counsellor who can hopefully see how utterly ridiculous and selfish he is.

I have twins, one of which has SN. The NT twin has not missed out on anything by not having an NT brother. They love each other very much and she gets plenty of interaction and support through life from school friends.

the thought of having a third child to “make up” for what he perceives the first one can’t offer is appalling

anyway who threatens to leave is surely going the wrong way around trying to persuade you to have a child with him?

No you’re not unreasonable, you’re completely right to not want another child (at this point or ever).

Tell him if he goes to therapy, goes onto medication and gets to a place where he can process everything which has happened and can be involved and positive about the children you have, then and only then would you consider a conversation about another child. (But only if this is something you’d want given the right situation)

I cannot see your relationship going the distance if he does not address his issues either way though

You are not at all unreasonable.

What if you have twins or triplets? I had very sick, very premature twins. My eldest was 2 and had no additional needs. It was very very hard work. There are no guarantees another child would have no disabilities, that the children would get on, or that your husband's mental health would improve.

It sounds like he needs to access some mental health support. Giving you an ultimatum to have another baby is unacceptable.

Oh OP, I am sorry life is so hard, but please don’t have a third child for your husband.

Whatever he’s worried about, I don’t think it’s a playmate for your younger one, I think it’s an attempt to make up for your elder one by creating a proper family of two able kids. I know how brutal that sounds, but I think it’s quite common to have thoughts like that, but most people wouldn’t act on them as your husband is.

Do you really think he would leave or is it just a thread? I think you just have to say to him a third child would break the both of you (he is nearly broken as it is) and would do your younger one more harm than good. I would also suggest he gets some therapy because he really sounds quite fucked up. You will be a lot more screwed if you split up with 3 kids as it sounds like you easily could, so really don’t go there.

Trouble is, even if you changed your mind and decided to go for a third child, he's still said all that nasty stuff and you'll always know he'd have left you otherwise.

I might be able to forgive that if he got his head out his arse and was really sorry and changed his tune, but the relationship would basically be spoiled if he didn't. And who wants to even consider bringing a new baby into a broken relationship - he's sealed his fate by being a bully.

Is this a reverse to the thread of the woman who wanted the third kid but her stressed out over worked husband didn't feel he could handle a third kid and said no, and so she was considering leaving him to have her third kid?

Sorry I'm dealing with my eldest so not able to read all replies right now but to answer some questions.

Right now he has left the family home, he has slept at a friends since Sunday night. So I do think that it is a real "threat"

This all started back in the summer so 6 months ago, we made up and he said he would try and be less angry and I said I would not rule out a 3rd but only if he got better, at that time his whole family (who he is close to) said he needed therapy and did not agree with him. He did not act on that and got no therapy and honestly I know it sounds weak but I have no capacity to take on his mental health, I sort all of the kids out, I do everything for them and he doesn't need to worry about any of that other than just showing up when and where I tell him too, e.g eldest has a medical appointment and youngest is swimming so please be here at this time and here is the bag already packed with everything needed. Given my oldest medical needs it's a lot to for me and working 30 hours a weeks I'm just at full capacity so I told him I don't need anything more from you but just need you to sort out yourself, because I can't also take that on.

Anyway he did nothing. Since leaving on Sunday he has told me he's found a counsellor and will be getting counselling from next week and is also going to go to the gp to ask to go on antidepressants. But for me so much of the damage is done now. We have spoken tonight and he once again got very angry and told me he can't let go of the anger and hate he feels about me not giving him a third Child.

He's asking you to have a third child for the sake of your youngest.

No he’s asking her to have a third child for his own sake.

That's so intensely unfair on you. Maybe you should go into self-preservation mode and try to emotionally detach from him while he addresses his issues. It sounds like he is projecting all his disappointments and anger onto you, which is highly destructive.

Please take care of yourself and know that this is not your fault. (And for what it's worth, from what you've said I think you're right to not have another child with him.)

You have enough on your plate.

Tell him not to come back.

You will manage financially do not take him back because you're scared about that

He may be attributing these feelings of ‘hatred’ to not having a kid - but what if he’s wrong what if he’s just started hating you for another reason and another child whether NT or not doesn’t assuage it?

Your marriage sounds like it’s on the rocks either way.

You have no guarantee that a third child will fix anything quite apart from if it turns our to have a disability.

And if it doesn’t you’ll have 3 kids to cope with as a single parent.

With the behaviour you describe its reads like you already have 3 children...him being the biggest drain on your emotions.

Just imagine IF you did have a 3rd child and this child didn't live up to his expectations................would he walk away, yes sounds like he would.