Have a third child or I leave

[Hettywins]

What my husband has told me.

We have two, a 7 year old DS who is severely disabled and a 2 year old DS who is (we believe at this point) neurotypical.

I am primary carer for both and I work part time around my eldests needs. His needs are significant and involve a lot of hospital appointments.

My DH is a good Dad, a good provider, works hard, pulls his weight around the house, we have the usual squabbles and parenting life is very transactional right now - e.g you take the kids and I'll do XYZ and next day vice Versa. We don't prioritise family time.

DH did not handle our eldest's diagnosis very well, he loves him and is a good Dad but is deeply sad about his disabilities. I handle all medical appointments on my own and deal with all of the huge amounts of admin which comes with having a disabled child on my own. His mental health has plummeted and he is now a very angry bitter person, with an eternally pessimistic outlook, it is very, very draining but he is unwell.

He is very angry that I have said no to a third child, he thinks it is unfair on our youngest that they won't have a typical sibling to play with and grow up with and to be a friend/support when they are older, this anger is entirely directed at me and he says although he loves me deeply sometimes he has waves of hate towards me for not having a third child - actual hate. He knows I am a good mum and he recognises how I have been let down at times (e.g when I birthed our second he could barely acknowledge it was happening he just checked out because it brought up too much trauma for him from the birth of our first).

I could say I will have a third and he will stay. But I feel so hurt that he doesn't love me enough to understand that is asking too much of me (he says it's not about me it's about DS2) and I feel like whilst he is not well bringing a third child into the world is not the way to fix things - rarely does that work right? He says it will fix everything.

If he leaves I'm financially screwed and I'd loose my DH who I have loved for 20 years.

Any advice? Opinions? Is he right?

I agree with this. Your husband sounds deeply traumatised. He is holding onto a fantasy that having a third child will fix everything. He needs professional help, probably more than talking therapy, probably EMDR too.

I think you can see that your situation caring for your DS1 will change, he’ll get bigger, heavier, providing for his needs will change. I don’t know how you care for him, DS2 and work 30 hours a week, I’m in awe and I can’t imagine how you add a third more work to this. I think your husband has landed on the idea of a third child as a fix for his depression, sadness or disappointment, whatever it is. If he’s not engaged with the kids he has, he may not be any further involved with a third.

We have spoken tonight and he once again got very angry and told me he can't let go of the anger and hate he feels about me not giving him a third Child.

Why on Earth anyone would bring another child into this awful situation is beyond me.

He doesn't sound very bright either, if he thinks the best way to convince you to have another child with him is to tell you how much he hates you when you don't give him what he wants. Sounds like you already HAVE a third child.

I’m pretty sure that your second child, if given a choice, would prefer to have a loving involved father rather than another sibling.
Look I’m just going to say what everyone else is thinking NOT MY THOUGHTS! your DH is disappointed with your oldest child’s needs. He wanted 2 normal ( to his way of thinking) children whether that’s manly thinking or whatever bollocks he might use to excuse his feelings. He wants a 3 child to get the 2 children that are acceptable to him and if he succeeds in pressuring you he’ll write off your oldest without a care.

Ultimately he has a right to say he's going to have another child and you have the right to say not by you and go your separate ways.

However I would try to convince him to go to therapy to make sure he's not just trying to abandon his disabled child

What if third child also has additional needs. What if he leaves you anyway.
What if you have another child and then he leaves for a different reason.
I'm sorry OP but your DH is not factoring in your mental wellbeing or acknowledging how difficult your family set up is for you.

He has a right to say he wants another child but that’s entirely dependent on his finding a woman willing to birth one with him. Many if not most might baulk at the rent a womb aspect.

It sounds less like your DH doesn't want a 3rd for your DS2 and more he has not accepted at all DS1 and his life and is therefore focusing on 3rd child rather then deal with his feelings about your first.
He most definitely needs counselling another baby will not solve this for him. What does he propose will happen to DS1 and his care when this theoretical 3rd baby is born and your in hospital etc.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

You’re absolutely in the right but this must be so difficult for you.

I have a friend, who has three boys one has high functioning needs, one has ADHD and one has autism. Maybe speak to your GP or do some research to share with your husband the chance that a third child will have additional needs.

Hopefully, your husband can get the help he needs, makes a full recovery and returns to the loving husband he once was.

Good luck.

You don't have another child with someone who hates you. Even if you did, he would just find another way to take out his contempt on you.

It sounds like he us vectoring abusive abs thinks a new baby will make it harder for you to leave.

Don't let your kids grow up seeing their mother abused. Get free of him. He is not the person you loved. Choose to love you instead. Walk (no, run) away.

*is becoming abusive and

You know adoption and co-parenting are things right?

Oh my goodness I'm sorry you are going through this. I don't feel your husband is right in saying this to you at all! You aren't some kind of birthing vessel, and we all know how much work goes into bringing up children let alone when they have additional needs.

What would happen if a 3rd wasn't neurotypical! Then what?!

He should respect your decision after having had depths conversations together and conclude without ultimatum.

I don’t give a shit if he is depressed, he has done nothing to help himself, he’s treated you appallingly and he’s topped it all by fucking off to try to force you to endure another pregnancy and labour, when he totally abandoned you following the birth of your first child. He is an awful, awful man, and an appalling failure of a father and husband.

Also, 'not GiVING him a third child'

What a creep he is.

Agree with pp. You aren't a rent a womb.
Couldn't give a fuck if he's 'struggling'. No excuse to treat you like shit.

Get him tf away from you. Don't get pregnant whatever you do.

Nobody can force you to have a child, especially if you are doing the majority of parenting. I only have one (neurotypical as far as am aware) child and she is the light of my life but all consuming and bloody hard work. It's not a decision that you can force on somebody and for your husband to say that he hates you is incredibly emotionally abusive. If he is going to carry on down this path and you know you will never want a third then I do think you have to think about striking out. Finances are a consideration but you do have 2 children by him so surely you would get a level of support? Only you know how you feel about him inside, but this type of resentment he is holding towards you will never end well, so if he can't get over that I think you don't have a choice but to end things. Would he be up for therapy?

Reading that your child suffered some kind of event in utero, i wonder does your dh blame you for your son being disabled on some level?

I'm so sorry OP. You aren't being unreasonable at all, and your husband is wrong (and horrifically unkind) on so many levels. As other posters have pointed out, any pregnancy is a blank cheque, and there is no way of guaranteeing a third child wouldn't be disabled. Even if they weren't, it's a very unfair burden to put on any child, planning out their role in the family and pinning expectations on them before they're even born. I very much doubt your husband is thinking of your younger son's welfare here, because if he were he'd be a more hands-on parent. He's got this fantasy of a 'normal' baby and he's selfishly blocking out what it cost you. He wouldn't even give you his support when you were in labour. What right has he to demand that you "give" him another child? Finally, he's wrong in his dismissal of the bonds that can exist between disabled children and their siblings. I have a severely disabled 10yo nephew (blind, unable to walk at all, no speech or structured communication, profound and multiple learning disabilities) and a 7yo niece with no disabilities. They adore one another. They play together a lot. They are friends. The idea that you can't have a meaningful sibling relationship with a disabled sibling is horrible, and it sounds as though your husband is projecting his own bitter feelings about the situation onto your younger son.

I really feel for you. He's putting so much pressure on you and it's unfair. I would just let him leave.

Having a child is not the way to fix a relationship, let alone having a 3rd child when you're already under immense strain.

No matter how much you love him, you can not put yourself through pregnancy, childbirth, and 18+ years of raising an additional child in the hope that your husband will magically be husband of the year again. It doesn't work like that.

It sounds like he is not in a great place mentally and there are a lot of what ifs. What if he leaves anyway in a year's time, in 5 years time, in 10 years time? What if the new baby has special needs? Will he be asking for a 4th child? What if the baby has no complications but the stress of 3 kids is too much and he buckles?

I wouldn't tolerate being with someone who gave me that kind of ultimatum. I really hope you find the strength within you to stand up for yourself and just let him go. Life is too short.

OP,

there is no guarantee the third child will be healthy, regardless of whether the first two are or not. Your husband needs a cold shower and start getting involved with the first one’s needs. Then see if he still has the energy for a third. I hope this paragraph did not sound too harsh.

You could tell him that while you do not appreciate emotional blackmail, which some may say is also abuse, you are willing to consider the option of having a third child if he shares 50/50 all the aspects of dealing with your eldest.

Also OP, if your third child was disabled or ended up having some serious health issues, would that not be unfair on the second one having to deal with not one but 2 disabled siblings later on in life when you guys may not be around anymore?

Oh goodness OP, you have the family in your shoulders.

So irrational for him to claim that his concern is the well-being of your youngest…to the extent that he would be prepared to leave your kids with separated parents and a sporadically absent Dad.

Does he realise how important he is to his children?

He is likely to be bogged down in all kinds of guilt and fear. I have a Dc with a disability and when we met parents with the same condition I was shocked at how many were single mums, whose partners had left, unable to cope with a disabled child.

In your shoes I would put my energy into trying to get him to seek help: therapy, counselling.

I really hope this comes right OP, fingers crossed for you.

He is wrong and I am wondering is there any reason he wants another child, is he wanting a child with no disabilities. This would be my worry and no I would not have any more children with him. X

If you do not want another child please don't be talked in to it.
I have 2 children with different genetic disorders. They need me for all personal care so I can not work. I've no time for hobbies either which is difficult. We have discussed a 3rd at times when we fear for the future but there are no guarantees the 3rd child would want to look after their siblings or even be ok and I'm now in the "risky age" being over 35.
My husband also struggled with our children's disabilities. It took him a long time to accept it and bond, but he was always a great help to me feeding the kids, changing nappies etc sometimes helping with therapies and helping around the house when he wasn't at work. With time and a lot of heartache he now has the best bond with both of our children.
Good luck OP. It is hard when your husband is not supportive and causing you such heartache. You have your hands full and don't need this. He needs some help for his grief and I hope he can get over this and be a good husband and dad to you and your children.

I'm pretty appalled by the attitude your H seems to have towards his poor eldest son, like he somehow doesn't count as a proper child and he wants to have another one to replace him. I'm sure the poor kid has cognitive abilities enough to realise that his dad never does anything for him - it's been 7 years and he still hasn't gotten over the fact that his son has disabilities? Perhaps if he spent more time with him it would have helped.

What would happen to your eldest if this theoretical third child was NT and bonded well with your youngest you youngster everything your H hoped for came true? Where does he see Ds1 in his future vision of his perfect family?