Have a third child or I leave

[Hettywins]

What my husband has told me.

We have two, a 7 year old DS who is severely disabled and a 2 year old DS who is (we believe at this point) neurotypical.

I am primary carer for both and I work part time around my eldests needs. His needs are significant and involve a lot of hospital appointments.

My DH is a good Dad, a good provider, works hard, pulls his weight around the house, we have the usual squabbles and parenting life is very transactional right now - e.g you take the kids and I'll do XYZ and next day vice Versa. We don't prioritise family time.

DH did not handle our eldest's diagnosis very well, he loves him and is a good Dad but is deeply sad about his disabilities. I handle all medical appointments on my own and deal with all of the huge amounts of admin which comes with having a disabled child on my own. His mental health has plummeted and he is now a very angry bitter person, with an eternally pessimistic outlook, it is very, very draining but he is unwell.

He is very angry that I have said no to a third child, he thinks it is unfair on our youngest that they won't have a typical sibling to play with and grow up with and to be a friend/support when they are older, this anger is entirely directed at me and he says although he loves me deeply sometimes he has waves of hate towards me for not having a third child - actual hate. He knows I am a good mum and he recognises how I have been let down at times (e.g when I birthed our second he could barely acknowledge it was happening he just checked out because it brought up too much trauma for him from the birth of our first).

I could say I will have a third and he will stay. But I feel so hurt that he doesn't love me enough to understand that is asking too much of me (he says it's not about me it's about DS2) and I feel like whilst he is not well bringing a third child into the world is not the way to fix things - rarely does that work right? He says it will fix everything.

If he leaves I'm financially screwed and I'd loose my DH who I have loved for 20 years.

Any advice? Opinions? Is he right?

And if it doesn’t you’ll have 3 kids to cope with as a single parent.

Fix the marriage I mean.

hate is such a strong word-i mean he hates you his wife for saying no i have enough to deal with wituout a third child and just goes and sulks -he nees help for sure but thats for hm to sort out

I was going to say the same. It sounds like he's in a type of complex grief and looking for a fix, which this really would not be.

Reproductive abuse.

I wouldn't allow him back until he's had at least 3-6 months of councelising and starts doing more with the children & no more anger busts.

His behaviour is seriously not normal.

He may ultimately leave anyway, leaving you with a third child.

You sound like an amazing Mum OP, doing a brilliant job with a very heavy load.

In any circumstance one partner cannot force or demand the other to have a child. The one who says no trumps the one who wants to, however difficult that might be.

However in such a circumstance this issue needs to be explored and settled out of respect of the wishes of both. Many saying your DH is an arsehole. Maybe he is. And it sounds like you have no capacity to take on his mental health if he won’t take responsibility for it which is completely reasonable.

Your DH needs to take responsibility for his MH. I hope his plan to seek help is genuine and it sounds like he really needs it. If I were you I would say that as things stand you do not wish to try for a third child but you would be happy to discuss the issue again, with absolutely no expectation that you would change your mind, only once he has worked through his issues to understand why this seems so important to him. And then you talk and see where you get to once that has happened. If he doesn’t try to seek help you may find yourself at a dead end.

I am no expert and I don’t know your DH but as others have said it does sound like unprocessed grief and trying to fix/replace a void.

I do have the life experience of being the second child with an older sibling with a disability. Your DH wants a third for them, but doesn’t that risk your second child gaining less attention and time? Even without any additional needs of a third child, bringing a baby into a dynamic where you are already stretched doesn’t necessarily sound like the best idea and one where you and your DH would both need to equally want this and to step up for the extra work involved. In any case I never longed for a “normal” sibling or playmate instead of my brother. He was loved and cherished just as he was and could never have been replaced by anyone.

Good luck and take care.

It sounds like an incredibly difficult situation to bring a 3rd baby into. Id be asking myself what's in it for the baby? Your eldest isn't going to get any easier as he gets older. Your second child will need a lot of your time and energy for a long time yet. So you'll be pulled in 3 directions instead of 2. What's left of your life and your time for you to pursue your own interests?

He's being incredibly selfish. He says it's for ds2 but why would it be in ds2s interests to have his main carer stretched even further? With a new baby and your elder son, how would your ds2 get all the attention he deserves?

Your dh needs to seek mental health support, not another baby.

I suggest contacting him and saying if we are going to separate, what will our contact are arrangements for the children be? We will need to start setting some patterns. You will have to take over some of dc1s care, so I will get more of a break than I have in the last few years to be honest. I suggest you take them both this weekend, what time Friday would you like to collect them?

In no way whatsoever have another child with this horrid man. You will deeply regret it.

Sounds like he has one foot out of the door anyway....and that's no situation to bring another child into.

Be honest, say he needs 3 months minimum counselling and meds, and he needs to be more hands on in parenting than 'just turning up on time with you packing kid bags for him', he need to share the mental load.

If he did his fair share of parenting, it's him that would be begging you not to have a third child. But he's coasting, as it's not much extra effort for him, since you're the one doing most of the parenting and mental load at the moment.

Wear him out with this fair share of parenting, like a dog owner wears out a dog with chase and running tasks in a park.

Then depending on whether you can financially afford to (A) or not (B)
A) Be honest, say no more kids and let him leave.
B) Get bullet proof contraception, pretend to 'try', and string him along until you are genuinely too old and infertile....like loads to men do to their girlfriends for years, stringing them along, who they have no intention of ever having kids with. 'Run the clock' as MN says, but do it on a man.

Note: Option B is not serious, obviously honesty is the best policy.

I think my response to him would be that he needs to stay away, undertake the counselling, then assess whether he wants to stay in the marriage or not, but if he does you will only take him back if he has totally resolved the issues he has over your dc's disability. If that resentment is always going to remain, he needs to stay away for all your sake.

I have said this. I have told him that I don't feel that he would be able to support me and provide the mental stability I would need if third child had a disability. When I was in labour with DC2 is proof of this, his own trauma and feelings took over and he just couldn't engage. It's also proven by his deep pessimism and depression about DC1and their disability. I have to be the one to pull him out of his hole and convince him that it's not so bad and he is happy and we can cope and provide him with all he needs and life doesn't need to be sad just because we have a disabled child.

Genuinely, I do not feel sad about my kids. No it's not what I planned and maybe if DC1 wasn't disabled I would have wanted a bigger family but I don't live my life in "what ifs" I'm happy with my lot in life, I love my kids, my home, my family, my job, it's just DH dragging us down and if he could snap out of it I know he would be just an amazing dad and our lives would be happy. But the thing is he just can't, he says he can't get past the resentment he feels to me for taking this away from our DC2.

Maybe it is just that he wants out the marriage but I don't get that impression day to day. We have had very honest conversations where I tell him what it is that he needs to change about himself, like less anger, be more engaged in DC1s needs ect and he just takes it and agrees and I say what do you need from me and me and he says nothing, I'm amazing, it's just the third. Child. Sex life was fine, so I think attraction is still there, it's just this one thing he can't get over.

We had always planned 3 children. We have 2, and the reason is that both has disabilities. Raising disabled children is hard work and you have to balance everything.
Has dh considered how much less time your youngest would have? The time that you have to take with eldest will not change, hospital appointments are always going to be there, and the time can only come from your youngest.
Your husband needs help to accept this. It's not easy, I have been there. Felt sad that the plan for 3 never happened but you do grow to accept that, and it definitely is right decision. I hope your husband gets some help. I'm not going to say leave, because unless you have been there, living your life I cannot judge. However, make sure you are happy and your children are happy x

Just to add as some people have asked, it's not autism DC1 has and it's not heredity but could happen again. He suffered an episode in utero which lead to a premature birth and he has severe brain damage, as a result he cannot walk, talk, eat, is visually impaired and that will unlikely change. He does have cognitive abilities but obviously faces many challenges.

If he has depression he may well

Not be thinking straight and grasping at ideas he thinks are sensible, but aren't.

My DH is a good Dad

Whenever I see this I always know that what follows is a narrative of the DH/DP not being a good dad!

Children have to be the choice of both parents. Either everyone wants then or you don't have them, or shouldn't. That's just how it is.

This. Even if the third doesn't have as many issues as the first, your husband might still label the 3rd child as a problem and leave.

So he wants you to add more caring responsibilities and stress to your plate, for what?

Fuck this OP. I’d rather be financially fucked than tied to this twat by THREE kids.

I have 3 children with additional needs - it's so much harder to have 3 than 2. I would never agree in your shoes. I love my third but I find it very hard even with a fully actively supportive husband. It sounds like your marriage is at risk whether or not you agree

It sounds like he feels anger/hate/resentment towards life/fate etc that his idea of his ideal family with two 'typical' kids hadn't happened and because needs someone to blame he is turning those feelings on you.

And then because you are (for very good reasons) refusing to provide him with the picture perfect family with two typical kids it's helping him justify those feelings towards you.

But ultimately he cannot use you as a human incubator just because life has not given him what he wanted.

If you do end up back together make sure your contraception is spot on. Although Im not sure i could ever have sex again with a man who told me he hated me

He can't let go of the anger and hate he feels towards you

Let him go would be my advice.

He needs help, he has refused in the past and is now possibly getting some...

I wouldn't be letting him back right now!

No he is not right. I have two nephews, one of whom is disabled and yes the older one was affected with the amount of time that his mother had to spend in hospital with his brother, but now says he wouldn’t have wanted another brother as well

Your DH also needs to be aware that there is nothing to say that the third child won’t be disabled as well. Will he be reducing hours to help you look after three children, including a disabled child that needs more care? Will he start to take on hospital appointments to give you a break? Will he spend time with your disabled child to allow you one to one time with the others? Will he take on the housework, cooking etc to help you out looking after three?

from what you say it sounds like a no. If he wants to rip apart your family let him, but I would be taking him for every penny.

Does he have unlimited finances to provide the best life for DS1 ? I imagine it will be expensive. If so, might be worth calculating how much you could max him out on child support, if he continues that attitude. I hope you don’t mind me asking, is there a possible help for his visual impairment ? Can he use sign language currently ? Basically, I’m wondering if he can communicate with you, lack of communication may be a factor in your husband not being able to bond.
Seriously though, regardless, it’s horrendous to treat his kid like that. He has cognitive abilities, he can hear, he’s a human being who deserves the best life possible, and his own child. He can’t just drop responsibility. If it’s likely a residential home or a private experimental treatment - that could very well only be created in 10 or 20, the child is only 7 for Christ’s sake (sorry I’m just saying what comes to mind here) - who’s going to pay ?

Who’s going to pay for DS2’s activities at the same time ?

And he leaves you to absolutely all the care for both ?

I don’t know what to say, he needs to see a psychiatrist, he’s way out of touch with reality here.