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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

"Do you want me to do anything?"

239 replies

unicornsinspace · 05/01/2023 20:12

How on earth do I get my DH to stop asking me this question!!
In his mind he's trying to be helpful but it just angers me! I've literally said to him so many times "I do not want to think for another adult" "I don't have another person to ask what needs doing, I just do it" and he always seems to ask me when I'm in the middle of something meaning I have to think about what he can be doing while I'm already doing millions of jobs.
So as not to drip feed, we have 2 DCs aged 8&4 and no help from family so the majority of everything falls down to me as I work part time.
AIBU to not want to think for a 37 year old man?? And how can I get him to stop when telling him in plain English to stop isn't working.

OP posts:
Mamette · 06/01/2023 18:50

I agree with you @NoSquirrels, doing things one’s own way is absolutely fine as long as it doesn’t make work for the other person.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 06/01/2023 19:38

I started responding with well what do you think needs doing right now/today?

boxingdayswim · 06/01/2023 19:45

C1N1C · 05/01/2023 20:30

I do this (man).

And it is purely for the reason that I know I don't see everything that needs to be done. It is safer to ask and be told, than to continue obliviously and have the "why aren't you helping" argument.

This is one of those Kobayashi Maru situations it seems.

This made me smile!

ShandaLear · 06/01/2023 21:32

Sirius3030 · 05/01/2023 23:16

Mumsnet at its mysoginistic and sneeriest finest. The guy is probably as bright as the OP, so why not try and understand why the problem exists, rather than just assuming that all men are wilfully stupid?
probably something to do with wanting to do the most useful thing at the moment to help OP rather than start doing the dusting at breakfast time.

Instead of yapping about responses being misogynistic and sneery why not read and learn from the responses of dozens of women complaining about exactly the same thing? Of course the man is likely as smart as the woman, so why are women complaining that their partners are failing to perform even the most basic of tasks without having to be explicitly told to do it time after time after time? A man upthread was complaining that he didn’t do housework because his wife once told him she didn’t like how he folded towels, so instead of learning to do it properly he just stopped doing it at all, for FOURTEEN YEARS. Strategic incompetence at its finest. It’s nothing to do with ‘helping’, you’re not a passenger in your own home. You’re an equal partner.

maddiemookins16mum · 07/01/2023 07:20

Westernesse · 05/01/2023 20:16

I guarantee he does this because whenever he does do things without consulting you he will be criticised for it. It will be done wrong. Things will be done in the wrong order etc etc.

an unwinnable scenario for him and many men. An impassable test, constantly.

Show quote history

100% this.

mezlou84 · 07/01/2023 07:24

Write down what you want to get done for the day cross it off as it gets done and then he won't ask because he can see. Men work differently to women and need that extra push and like to know they're helping so a quick 5mins out of the beginning of the day isn't too much to ask for peace and much less annoyance x

uhOhOP · 07/01/2023 07:38

maddiemookins16mum · 07/01/2023 07:20

100% this.

Show quote history

It's not "100% this", though, is it? Have you not read any of the other responses on this thread?

magratvonlipwig · 07/01/2023 08:15

Make a list of the things you have to do every day. Show him. Talk to him. He wants to be helpful and doesnt know how .
Tell him how often. Tell him how you know it needs doing.
Tell him how he can see if youve already done it.

And then he can refer to the list and not feel like youre refusing to give him any guidance.. which it may be coming across as ?

ApathyMartha · 07/01/2023 08:16

Yep, know exactly what you mean! Thanks for adding something else for me to do! I do now have a stock list of jobs ready for him when he asks though. Even if it’s not urgent but it’s one less thing I have to think about (go and dust that room, sort out the recycling). It does feel like having another kid to occupy though sometimes so you can go and get something done.

SezFrankly · 07/01/2023 08:22

He isn’t trying to be helpful. He’s seeing you do stuff and he knows to feel guilty, but not guilty enough to do anything. So he asks you, knowing you say no - and he can carry on enjoying your evening.

Letitrainletitrainletitrain · 07/01/2023 08:25

I wonder who is out there writing lists for gay men, given men are apparently incapable of seeing what needs to be done, work differently, need a push, and want to be helpful but the poor dears just don't know how. 🙄

wickerhearth · 07/01/2023 08:27

Same like my hubby- "You should tell me exactly what should I do."🤨

BeyondMyWits · 07/01/2023 08:27

My DH got the message when he had to go to work early one day to fix a problem. Instead of rolling over and smoothing the path I asked "do you want me to walk the dog for you?", "should I bring the bins in for you after the bin man has been?", "are there any dishes that need putting in the dishwasher for you?", "where is the dogs lead?", "do we have enough poop bags?"

Response was "of course", "can't you just look?", "I don't know", "why all the questions? I need to go now.." I just raised an eyebrow and it clicked...

Life is easier...

MarvellousMonsters · 07/01/2023 08:44

I want you to think for yourself and not ask me to delegate things to you.

Agreeable · 07/01/2023 08:55

Speaking from experience here (as a man).

Living with my partner and her two kids, not my kids.

Early on in the relationship (when it had progressed to living together etc) I would do things and get my head snapped off.

"I was just about to do that"
"That's not how you do that" (meaning it wasn't how she did it)
"Why are you doing X when Y needs doing"
etc

So sometimes it's less hassle just to say "Is there anything I can do"

I do all the obvious stuff (take the bins out, empty dishwasher, fix bulbs that blow, change bed, tidy up after her and HER kids ((which is a full time job in itself)) but my housework radar or possibly my living style is different to hers.

NoSquirrels · 07/01/2023 09:01

So sometimes it's less hassle just to say "Is there anything I can do"

Yes.

Or you could have a grown-up conversation about how the domestic tasks are shared and what would be helpful - you could even suggest you make a list! so that you could get on with things without asking. You could say, ‘I know it’s annoying when I always ask “Is there anything I can do?” but I worry about getting in the way of your systems - do you think we could make a list of tasks so I can just look at that?’

I mean, you can give up and shrug (not my fault, guv, she hates me using my initiative) or you could problem-solve.

Beckknowsbest · 07/01/2023 09:02

Have a list if daily activities that need doing easily visible. As you have completed them tick them off. If he asks you tell him to check the unticked jobs on the list and have at it.

I would be pleased he is asking to help, albeit annoying you don't have to do it all yourself.

Darhon · 07/01/2023 09:06

Normally the person asking this wants you to say ‘no’. Those who want to help ask ‘what can I do to help?’

Agreeable · 07/01/2023 09:09

NoSquirrels · 07/01/2023 09:01

So sometimes it's less hassle just to say "Is there anything I can do"

Yes.

Or you could have a grown-up conversation about how the domestic tasks are shared and what would be helpful - you could even suggest you make a list! so that you could get on with things without asking. You could say, ‘I know it’s annoying when I always ask “Is there anything I can do?” but I worry about getting in the way of your systems - do you think we could make a list of tasks so I can just look at that?’

I mean, you can give up and shrug (not my fault, guv, she hates me using my initiative) or you could problem-solve.

Tried that.

Didn't work.

I'm also slightly on the spectrum (diagnosed and medicated) so I miss things (she is aware and does take this in to account) - not making excuses just explaining.

But for example I can walk past a full washing machine 10 times and not even notice that it needs emptying and putting on radiators/tumble dryer - and before people say 'why don't you just look' etc...It's not as simple as that.

Anyway, my point was we've found (hopefully she agrees) that the 'Is there anything else I can' do does work if both.

TheOGCCL · 07/01/2023 09:11

www.theguardian.com/world/2022/dec/22/science-of-why-women-clean-and-men-dont-notice-theyve-done-it

‘If you let me know what needs doing, I’ll get on with it, no problem’.
I’m not your manager.

uhOhOP · 07/01/2023 09:14

MarvellousMonsters · 07/01/2023 08:44

I want you to think for yourself and not ask me to delegate things to you.

As I said in a previous relationship, I'm neither your mother nor your manager.

Agreeable · 07/01/2023 09:16

TheOGCCL · 07/01/2023 09:11

www.theguardian.com/world/2022/dec/22/science-of-why-women-clean-and-men-dont-notice-theyve-done-it

‘If you let me know what needs doing, I’ll get on with it, no problem’.
I’m not your manager.

Well that article doesn't apply to our household, mostly.

I'm usually the one that changes the handsoap, tops up the toilet paper etc in the rooms I use and this isn't a selfish act it's because I notice them,

Maybe too much detail but for example when I'm on the toilet and eyes and mind going everywhere I will clock the soap dispenser needs replacing and do it.

MenaiMna · 07/01/2023 09:17

Letitrainletitrainletitrain · 07/01/2023 08:25

I wonder who is out there writing lists for gay men, given men are apparently incapable of seeing what needs to be done, work differently, need a push, and want to be helpful but the poor dears just don't know how. 🙄

The book I recommended was written by a gay man funnily enough. But I know plenty of gay slobs and plenty of gay sticklers.

Dinomum79 · 07/01/2023 09:19

unicornsinspace · 06/01/2023 15:40

There seems to be a divide with the list/no list

I think I'm going to trial it and see if it helps at all.

He does have jobs that are his and doesn't ask like the washing up (I cook so he cleans up after) and he does the bins/recycling. Maybe dividing up the jobs will help?

I would allocate him the same tasks every day.
He seems to want to help which is good .
I agree he shouldn’t need to ask but sometimes you just need to make the best of it and accept his limitations.