"Do you want me to do anything?"

[unicornsinspace]

How on earth do I get my DH to stop asking me this question!!
In his mind he's trying to be helpful but it just angers me! I've literally said to him so many times "I do not want to think for another adult" "I don't have another person to ask what needs doing, I just do it" and he always seems to ask me when I'm in the middle of something meaning I have to think about what he can be doing while I'm already doing millions of jobs.
So as not to drip feed, we have 2 DCs aged 8&4 and no help from family so the majority of everything falls down to me as I work part time.
AIBU to not want to think for a 37 year old man?? And how can I get him to stop when telling him in plain English to stop isn't working.

Dp does it. Holidays, restaurants, gigs, etc.
The only thing he's said is he wishes I would surprise him sometimes.

Kirk's wife would be on here posting about a whole set of other issues 😂

AIBU to moan that my DH flirts with women on every planet he visits?

Just write him a list - give him explicit instructions. What's wrong with that.

Oh nothing, if your husband is 5 years old.

Have you told him that it makes you feel disrespected when he says it? If so, you're dealing with a deliberately disrespectful husband, and need to face that, rather than the one question. If not, it's time to phrase it that way.

Hahaha yes. And this level of comprehension is why the fella who couldn’t work out how to use two pegs to hang up washing exists. Unless there’s a shortage of pegs, just use the pegs. If there is a shortage then buy some pegs.

😂😂😂

I'm lucky that my partner is a grown and responsible man who does his share of household tasks without being asked, but I still found it useful to have apps and shared lists to organise ourselves- not for daily life between us, but to prepare for DC's arrival. We have a shopping list app, so that whoever sees something missing (toilet paper, sponges, milk) adds it to the list and whoever goes shopping just buys it. We have a shared excel file of baby clothes that needs buying (columns for type of clothes and rows for age/size, and quantity in the cells), so that whoever buys baby clothes, just knows what is missing and what needs to be bought. Camping holidays? I have a permanent list of camping gears we need to bring (He had never gone camping before meeting me while I was a veteran camper), so that he can pack with me without constantly asking me what needs to be brought or get it wrong.

Of course those systems only work as both of us see it as our responsibility to plan and do those tasks (otherwise it's pretty useless), but I wouldn't dismiss the idea of shared lists/family organisation apps so quickly. Again, it doesn't negate the problem of men not taking responsibilty for household tasks/learned incompetence.

My DH would say that was him. I would say he repeatedly half-asses jobs and refuses to take on board my practical and reasonable advice. Yet again he has done two loads of washing that was not urgent, including thick and heavy things that will take forever to dry, when it is pouring with rain and we don't have a tumble dryer. How many times are we going to go through this?? DH looks hard done by, expecting an effort medal for making work for others.

We plan our week and have discussions. He certainly does more than me, although he doesn't have the commute I do.
I have suggested spreadsheets but DP laughed and said it's controlling.
He has software to manage his business he doesn't want it in his home life.

I have tried asking what he would think of a colleague who had to be reminded and told what to do every single shift and did nothing till the boss told them what needed to be done. This is the same! We're team mates! We take responsibility! Equally! Or else one of us will get enraged and want the other sacked.

There seems to be a divide with the list/no list

I think I'm going to trial it and see if it helps at all.

He does have jobs that are his and doesn't ask like the washing up (I cook so he cleans up after) and he does the bins/recycling. Maybe dividing up the jobs will help?

DP likes to vacuum every day, dishwasher, cook, etc. But he refuses to use the squeegee on the tiles and shower. He will not accept my mold argument.

Strange that mine could see it all when i was a sahm & it was my responsibility as such but now he's at home & i can work full time he sees none of it 🙈

Quite!

he will be criticised for it. It will be done wrong. Things will be done in the wrong order etc etc.

Sometimes there is a practical, logical reason for doing things in the ‘right order’. All it takes to learn is the willingness to listen and accept constructive criticism. A growth mindset, if you will. Refusing to ever do it again ‘because I’ll only do it wrong’ is the opposite of a growth mindset.

I agree however you cannot force another to do it like you.
That's weird and quite frankly hyper controlling.

I've said before on MN and I'll say it again. There is a book, it's very cheap secondhand and its very very simple to use. It's called 'Household Management for Men' by Nigel Browning I don't like the title. It would have sold better as 'adult in the house' but I don't work for the publisher. I'm not talking out of my arse- I have been thanked by many friends for this recommendation.
It gives a room by room list and graphic for good basic housekeeping.
Next time he asks that question you sit him down with the book and say in the friendliest most loving manner:
"You DH don't need to HELP with anything you DH need to look at each room as you pass through it and if it isn't up to code as per this excellent book you DH need to take responsibility for sorting it out. If you DH have a problem with such overwhelming adult responsibility we can perhaps discuss dividing these rooms and lists into equal shares but I'm not taking on more than half anymore. Next week we'll review shared parenting." Recommended reading for that is 'Wifework' by Susan Maushart.
(When I went through all this it was painful but my late parents were truly good partners and my oldest sibling is a badass feminist - I learned so much good practice from them that I foolishly didn't look for the same before my marriage because I was blinded by sex & romance and thought he would have been broadly raised the same - so wrong! Looking around from my vantage point in middle age I hate to see so many others go through this. And my advice to you comes from a place of loving sisterhood.

Folding towels in half as opposed to thirds is of course an extreme example and I'm sure there are partners who are actually never happy.
But 99% of the 'well she's never happy' comments mean that the DH has done a shitty job. Often deliberately, so they wouldn't be asked again.

I know a guy who was saying exactly that - he tries and tries but wife only complains that nothing is done right. Well, his idea of 'looking after children' was sleeping on the sofa while kids were playing with knives while still in PJs, not eaten, in dirty nappies. But it was the wife who was unreasonably not thankful when he had 'helped' her.

The Fair Play principles are really good - not only to share the tasks but you also have to agree on the minimum acceptable standard.

I wouldn’t force anyone to do something ‘like me’ - they’re free to crack on doing it the ‘wrong’ way as long as I don’t have to get involved in any issues created by not doing it the ‘right’ way.

If they didn’t want to accept my constructive and pleasantly offered advice, that’s fine. Natural consequences, innit. They prefer to learn by doing and drawing their own conclusions so I’d let them do just that.

Repeatedly, if necessary.

What I won’t accept is the shit excuses of ‘I always do it wrong so I’m not bothering’ when they’re not being picked on or controlled if they’re offered helpful advice.

What are you going to do? Put them on the naughty step.😂
I have to admit, in the early days, I hated how DP went about the washing up. To stop the disagreements he installed a dishwasher, and now the glasses are pristine.
He would like lines in his extensive carpet. I ruined his favorite merino wool top.
He washes his cashmere jumpers his way, I have a different way.
I come from a traditional household on the continent, his mother was a professional housekeeper for wealthy people. So there's quite a clash of styles and expectations.
Luckily he's not lazy, however, if I asked him to do it my way and then chided him after. It wouldn't be a happy house.

Eh? Of course I wouldn’t ‘put them on the naughty step’. I’m saying I’d leave them to sort out whatever issues they caused.

Don’t want my advice that it’s better to separate out the wool from the cotton? Then don’t ask me how to make your favourite jumper bigger again because my answer will be ‘you can’t - that’s why you need to separate out the wool from
the cotton.’

And especially don’t then ask me to do your washing because you ‘always get it wrong’…

The irony of course is that they seem to miss half the story of the Kobayashi Maru, which is that Kirk beats it by changing the conditions of the test

@WeAreBorg
The other irony is that the whole point of the Kobayashi Maru was to show that sometimes a situation is unwinnable and that experiencing that will make the students more humble and have a mature outlook when faced with a difficult situation.

One of the reasons Kirk is such an arrogant dick,in my opinion, is that he never faced this scenario but instead cheated by reprogramming it and never learned the resulting lesson.

Sorry that should have been @Letitrainletitrainletitrain but the Borg reference stuck in my brain instead

Everyone sees a house's "needs" in different ways so just tell him.

The 'list' can be the starting point for a discussion doesn't have to written in stone.
Use it as a tool for communication rather than to hit him with.